Dp totally flipped out, says it's my fault?

[snowflakesoutside]

Yesterday evening, normal enough we're watching tv and looking on net for a nice recipe for the weekend.

Then I started to show him a toy castle which I wanted us to get for ds, he looks and nods, doesn't seem too interested. Says Christmas is ages away anyway, and we'd be better of just looking in Toys R Us at the weekend. So I say that perhaps, but this ones on offer and Toys R Us can be expensive, then go and find the same one there and show him. Then he says "what does it do anyway, does it have a lift or anything or else what's he going to do just look at it?". By this point I'm bemused and point out that if it was a dolls house he wouldn't be saying that and how kids don't need a toy to be all singing all dancing to play they'll make their own game.

It went on for another few minutes with me then showing him another toy ans asking what he thought about that and he just snapped saying he wasn't interested right now and just wants to relax and to just forget it, I snapped back asking what's up with him tonight and he's being a bit selfish to which he told me to fuck off and threw the tv remote hard across the room at the table so the back came off and the batteries flew out, also knocked the vase off the table and water all up the wall, and bounced off the table smashing ds's digger in two. Then he stormed out, I went after him asking what the hells up with him and can he go and pick up the mess. I was standing in the hall in front of the front door and he grabbed me by the wrists to drag me out of the way. He grabbed me so hard that afterwards me wrists were red raw and I have a small bruise today and he stormed out.

He came back in afterwards and just blamed me. He said I pushed him too far, and that if I hadn't tried to stop him going out he wouldn't have hurt my arms. All he kept saying is he hadn't done anything wrong and I kept on at him when all he wanted to do was relax and watch tv. Then he softened and did apologise and said he was tired. But it wasn't until later on that he really aknowledged he'd even done anything wrong and even then he said I was pushing him too far.

I didn't even realise until this morning that ds digger had smashed and had to lie to ds who spotted it straight away and say I must have stood on it by accident. The remotes also broke now and the back won't clip on properly.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture (as you have been doing by the sound of things).

If you have serious concerns about comparability (and I can certainly see why), then perhaps it's time for some breathing space between the two of you.

How long have you been together and is your child his biological child?

Not intentionally drip feeding I was trying to keep my op as to the point as possible.

I could have posted the entire relationship history but wanted to post the details abot what happened yesterday. But because people were saying I was preventing him from leaving I was trying to give a clearer picture of the way things happen and the way it actually was.

..compatibility

OP, why not start a thread in Relationships with all the relevant information (no drip feeding) and use that to work out what you want to do?

But you did try to prevent him from leaving otherwise he couldn't have dragged you by the wrists out of the way of the door

Sounds like to much effort, get shot.

No, that is just not how it was, I didn't know at that point where he was storming to, a map of the layout of my house might help! I didn't know if he was going upstairs, to the kitchen, out the door, he didn't even have his shoes. I went mainly to ask him to pick up the mess he'd just made, he immmediately grabbed me in temper. Afterwards I gladly held the door open but he only got as far as the car and came back.

He's only interested in stuff that directly affects him, he moody and prone to frequent out busts, you cook him a meal and try and have a conversation with him and his response is to break things in your house then blame you.

That what I've got from your posts but that leaves me wondering wtf are you doing with this man.

Mind you I'm very irritating and we?ve been under loads of stress the last few years ? yet my DH had never come close to physically man handling me or throwing stuff at me. Having read this thread I'm left wondering if my expectations are some how odd .

I can be a nag sometimes but never would I expect my DP to flip out at something so trivial.

This is absolutely not your fault and some of the responses on here are pretty laughable. Some folk just like to pick and pick until you start to believe what they are saying.

YOU DID NOT PROVOKE HIM BY ASKING HIS OPINION ON CHRISTMAS PRESENTS OR BY GOING AFTER HIM TO FIND OUT WHY HE WAS ACTING THAT WAY.

Only advice I can give is to end the relationship. Sounds far too volitile, especially if you have DC around.

Meh, I don't know, I am irritating in an enthusiastic, happy go lucky, like chatting and planning things kind of way. Get excited over the smallest things. But that also on a good note means I'm generally kind and thoughtful, will do anything for people I care about like spending hours shopping with dp looking for things for him and showing an interest, doing things he likes to do for his sake.

But then he's irritating in many ways I could list but I've never done what he does.

I agree with kim and others, IMO violence isn't an acceptable response to nagging/calling somebody on throwing the remote control around. Glad to hear that he isn't living with you, hopefully that would make ending the relationship easier.

I can't believe some of the posts saying that OP provoked dps violent behaviour. Bang goes all the progress women have made in the fight against DV.
Insane.

Jesus wept, no wonder we have such high DV rates in this world with the fucking apologists telling the OP that it her own fault that he reacted abusively.

You should be ashamed of yourselves! educate yourselves, seriously read a fucking book on Domestic Abuse or something ffs!

No, it was not your fault AT ALL. It is NEVER ok for your partner to react like that, or to physically assault you. A normal man would never behave like that, no matter what happens, never mind over something so trivial. An abusive man would though. I doubt that this is the only time he has ever behaved abusively. His behaviour is designed to scare you and control you. And it works doesn't it? If he can behave like this over something so minor he has serious issues with respect and I strongly advise you to contact Womens Aid and get help.

Also, post on the Relationships board where people have a lot more wisdom and experience and will help you to figure this out.

Can I just point out I'm not saying that it's the op's fault her (d)p grabbed her. I'm just saying, maybe blocking the path of someone who is obviously angry isn't the best idea ever.

No-one has said that it's the OP's fault or that his actions were excusable

However that won't stop people posting red faces and pretending otherwise...

presumably he's out at work and not with ds all day? so why do you think that a choice of toy is going to be so important to him? why should it be? why did you have to go on about it when he'd already shown he wasn't interested? could it be that most of the time when you speak to him, you're talking about ways of spending money he has to earn?

whatever. he's violent and has no interest in christmas. leave him.

I'm 'out at work all day' and funnily enough I am extremely interested in my son's birthday presents. What a totally ridiculous thing to say. If you are suggesting a parent who works FT does not or should not have to be plugged into their kids, lovebunny, you are even more offensive than I've previously thought you were.

OP you sound like this man doesn't really give much to the relationship and these scuffles will lead to more serious violence at some point and bitterness and resentment. You have to look at what you and your child get from this and if the bad outweighs the good then its time to call it a day. You sound incompatible and I can only see this getting worse. Think of your child and yourself. You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy and that you can have a life with. When you don't even live together (and even if you did) him slobbing out, not wanting to communicate while you run about after him does not sound like a relationship that even vaguely resembles a partnership IMO.

And I'm not saying everyone has to enjoy shopping for their kids' presents or that it was at the right time in the right way...

But your post is effectively saying men who are going out to work should not have to bother themselves with trivialities such as their dc's birthday presents FFS.

No lovebunny, I don't know what part of my posts made you think that. I am out at work all day too by the way, full time (so have my own money). And believe me enough of my money goes on my dp. Completely unfair judgement.

I don't know to me it's the same as the way I help him choose things, which I do, all the time he asks for my opinion. It was only last Saturday that we were in town and he was asking for my opinion on clothes and asking me to choose things for him. Now I have no real interest in mens clothing but I still helped him look, because I care about him.

And worra as I say again it really wasn't like that, I followed him in the moment because I too was angry that he'd just thrown and broken things. And as I say if I hadn't, I'd have no doubt been accused later of 'letting him go' or not caring enough to go after him.

Blocking the path of someone angry - actually I've done this a couple of times when DP has been angry because I want to talk about the issue at and he, in his anger, obviously doesn't. Did he physically assault me to move me out of the way? Er, no. Absolutely would not even think of it. What OP did or did not do is irrelevant, it's what he did that was completely unacceptable.

Is he your dc's father?