Dp totally flipped out, says it's my fault?

[snowflakesoutside]

Yesterday evening, normal enough we're watching tv and looking on net for a nice recipe for the weekend.

Then I started to show him a toy castle which I wanted us to get for ds, he looks and nods, doesn't seem too interested. Says Christmas is ages away anyway, and we'd be better of just looking in Toys R Us at the weekend. So I say that perhaps, but this ones on offer and Toys R Us can be expensive, then go and find the same one there and show him. Then he says "what does it do anyway, does it have a lift or anything or else what's he going to do just look at it?". By this point I'm bemused and point out that if it was a dolls house he wouldn't be saying that and how kids don't need a toy to be all singing all dancing to play they'll make their own game.

It went on for another few minutes with me then showing him another toy ans asking what he thought about that and he just snapped saying he wasn't interested right now and just wants to relax and to just forget it, I snapped back asking what's up with him tonight and he's being a bit selfish to which he told me to fuck off and threw the tv remote hard across the room at the table so the back came off and the batteries flew out, also knocked the vase off the table and water all up the wall, and bounced off the table smashing ds's digger in two. Then he stormed out, I went after him asking what the hells up with him and can he go and pick up the mess. I was standing in the hall in front of the front door and he grabbed me by the wrists to drag me out of the way. He grabbed me so hard that afterwards me wrists were red raw and I have a small bruise today and he stormed out.

He came back in afterwards and just blamed me. He said I pushed him too far, and that if I hadn't tried to stop him going out he wouldn't have hurt my arms. All he kept saying is he hadn't done anything wrong and I kept on at him when all he wanted to do was relax and watch tv. Then he softened and did apologise and said he was tired. But it wasn't until later on that he really aknowledged he'd even done anything wrong and even then he said I was pushing him too far.

I didn't even realise until this morning that ds digger had smashed and had to lie to ds who spotted it straight away and say I must have stood on it by accident. The remotes also broke now and the back won't clip on properly.

OP, your partner isn't your DS's father, is he? And he dislikes the focus being on your DS rather than on him, doesn't he?

Just been chatting about this thread to a friend, why did he grab your wrists? Surely someone trying to move you out of the way would of held the top of your arms/shoulders?

Not condoning by the way, just wondering.

I did post in here worra as kind of a who was u, him or me. I don't mind if it's moved to relationships if it's more relevant. But I am ok to hear people views even if I disagree still afterwards I've just answered as honestly as I can.

Ahh ok then. Well imo he was definitely unreasonable for throwing the remote and you were a bit unreasonable for not dropping something you could have discussed when he was in the mood. He was definitely unreasonable for pulling you out of his way, and you were a bit unreasonable for going after him instead of giving him his space. I know you wanted him to tidy up, but he needed to be allowed to calm down first imo.

You two really don't sound compatible though to be honest.

Couthymow, I can't honestly accuse him of that although he is prone to sulking, accussing me of not caring. And does tend to be selfish, I know it sounded in my op like I just threw the accusation because he wouldn't do what I wanted at the time but it's more an ongoing frustration of mine, his lack of interest or care about other people, he's not very sensitive but expects people to be to him.

Knickers I don't know why he grabbed my wrists it has confused me too, as I said if he really felt I was preventing him from going he could have quite easily lifted me up, or he could have gone out of the back door. It wasn't the real issue.

Snowflake: is there any reason why you have not already told him to fuck right off and never come back? If you are afraid of him becoming even more violent, you can have the police remove him by force. He does not live with you therefore you can put him out of your home at any time: tell him to go and call the police if he refuses.

Op is he your sons dad?

I've missed it if you've already said!

I know, in hindsight I probably 'should' have just dropped it about the bloody toy. But it's just an ongong bugbear of mine, and not just because I want him to cowtow to my every whim, but the way he treats people in general bothers me. Let's say everything from getting up peoples arses when driving, not bothering to visit or even send a card to his elderly grandparents despite gladly taking their £££ every birthday or Xmas, being rude to people in general.

It does just come down to compatibility, sadly we are lacking in that.

No not ds father.

OP I don't think you are going to get the advice you need in here. The victim blaming in the very many posts above are exactly what you do not need to have thrown at you.

Your DP was violent and violence is unacceptable.

Usually this sort of thing escalates but also normalised at the same time so that one day you could be nursing some serious injuries and looking at a smashed up house and wondering when the heck it got so bad.

What has happened is a very big red flag, and I really think you would be wise to seek some professional help to work out the best way forward for you and your ds.

He sounds charming.

Honestly, do your ds a massive, vital favour here and get rid.

Don't waste any more time - this is your child's life, upbringing, self esteem, core, confidence, role modelling at stake here.

Way, way more important than anything else - any fear of being alone or 'but he's a good guy really sometimes'....

Oh and in one of your posts you mentioned it being about respect. I absolutely agree. You cannot force him to change his behaviour but you can reduce/stop contact with those who do not treat you with respect.

Sorry by the way I have read a listened to the posters who have 'agreed with me', only I was responding to other where I could to correct things or put my side where I felt I needed to.

I mean agreed in the context of aibu. Those who thought his behaviour is inexcusable.

I don't often post on these threads but I'm so shocked at the amount of people justifying this man actions. I've fortunately never experienced DV myself but even I can see that's what it is.

You need to get rid of him for the sake of your DS. At best you have a 16st toddler who tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. At worst you've got a 16st man who could, and has started to, do some serious damage.

Out of curiosity what is he like with your DS?

Well I think you've rather answered your own question there Snow He sounds like an utter cunt. I wouldn't waste my time on him and certainly wouldn't expose your DS to him any more. He deseves better, as do you.

With ds, well I've been with him since ds was 6mo, he's ok, good, plays with him, gets stuck in, he's cleaned up his sick/diarreah/dogshit shoes when I didn't have the stomach to do it, got stuck in and did toilet training with me, tends to get ds over excited and a bit silly, but isn't that typical?

He can be a bit childish/impatient/lazy, probably like I can, but has never shouted (I have), or swore never done anything to or in front of ds that has concerned me, and I am probably over protective. He's broken his digger, if/when he realises I've no doubt he'd buy him another without a second thought. It was actually dps mother who bought the digger and he'd probably feel worse about breaking that than hurting me.

Considering he's been the non dad he's been good. I gave that a lot of thought before I answered. I don't think he's a natural with kids but I can only imagine how hard it is with a child that isn't your own and I think he's been good.

Ok great. Well all's good then OP.

I'm out.

How old is your DS?

He's 5 and no I'm not saying that at all proud, someone asked me what he was like with ds and I was giving an honest reply, not saying that excuses the other stuff just trying to be as honest as I can about all.

And I have posted in R on advice, and I am not staying with dp after last nights incident but just after advice.

Hmmm...just seems a bit off that if you weren't going to give him your attention by looking at recipes and letting him squash you with his legs, because you started to look at Christmas presents for your DS, that he kicks off.

I WOULD personally take it as a red flag, I'm assuming your DS isn't primary school age yet, when they start arguing that black is white, and not doing as they're told so unquestioningly.

It raises a 'mark' with me for the kick off and moodiness when your attention was diverted, as if he almost 'puts up with' your DS during the day, and in fact behaves appropriately towards him, but that he expects your evenings together to be child free, free from thinking about your DS. But that is not always possible, things like Christmas shopping online DO have to be done when DC's are in bed.

I don't know, for that alone I would be rethinking my relationship, my DC's come first.

Then there is the WAY he showed his displeasure at you wishing to talk about Christmas (which is only something like 56 days away) - throwing the remote hard enough to knock over a vase, knock the batteries out, AND break a child's toy IS VIOLENT.

It is completely disproportionate to what the OP was doing. The appropriate response would be to say "I'm tired, I really am not up for this tonight, but I WILL talk about it on Saturday night". What the OP's partner did was not acceptable OR reasonable, it was a violent overreaction.

THEN you get into the realms of him assaulting her when she was quite reasonably requesting that he sorted out the mess HE had created before he left. NOT UNREASONABLE. HE made the mess, HE should clean it up before he leaves.

He then, instead of saying "I need to ho for a walk to calm down, I will be back before 10pm to clean up", proceeded to ASSAULT the OP instead of acting like an adult.

Those are not the reactions of a non abusive partner IMO. If he is this bad when you DON'T live together, how bad will he be if you ever move in together?!

IMO, I would be advising you to run for the hills, tbh. And don't look back!

You also say that there are 'other things' that are making you question the relationship. What?