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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious that ex wifes new partner put soap in ds mouth?

153 replies

damodad · 30/10/2012 07:38

Sat down at breakfast and my eldest son who is 5 tells me that my ex wife's new partner has put soap in his mouth and he was worried and it made him wet the bed.
We have been separated 2yrs and things are pretty good between us all.
Tbh I took what he said with a pinch of salt because he has been making some pretty far fetched stories up recently.

I rang my ex that eve to check and it true. I am absolutely furious and a bit concerned. I'm not sure if it is my protective instincts making me overreact or if I am right to worried?

OP posts:
mamamibbo · 30/10/2012 07:39

did he swear?
could e be wetting the bed because he is scared of his mums partner?

yanbu btw, i would go mental!

Alligatorpie · 30/10/2012 07:40

Wow - I would be fuming! Does your ex think it's ok?

RyleDup · 30/10/2012 07:40

Wtf did she do that for?

FannyFifer · 30/10/2012 07:41

I would phone the police for advice and under no circumstances would my son go back there again.

Orangelephantshavewrinkles · 30/10/2012 07:42

I would be less than happy. WTF would you do that for?

PatButchersEarring · 30/10/2012 07:42

That is dreadful. There is absolutely no way I'd be allowing him to be anywhere near my child again.

I would even go as far as talking it through with NSPCC to see what they would advise.

Orangelephantshavewrinkles · 30/10/2012 07:43

I would not want him near my son.

Fairylea · 30/10/2012 07:44

That's absolutely unacceptable. Yanbu.

I would be telling her you won't be bringing him home unless her new partner is nowhere near your son. If you have parental responsiblity she will have to apply for a court order to remove your son and in that time you can report her partner for abusive behavior towards your son, which this is.

Sorry I feel very strongly about this. It's really awful. Especially as his mum seems to be supporting her partner over your son.

LtEveDallas · 30/10/2012 07:44

I would be absolutely barking mad furious Angry

I have no problem with step parents giving discipline - ie telling off a naughty child. I think all parents should be consistent and able to be 'in charge' as it were. But that crosses a line into abuse.

I cannot believe that in this day and age anyone would still use such draconian punishment techniques.

I would go LOON.

ButtonBoo · 30/10/2012 07:45

YADNBU. Seriously? I'd be furious.

You might have agreed that new partner can discipline but that is crossing a big boundary.

Soap in a child's mouth to try to teach them a lesson is appalling. Yes, it may mean that they don't do X again but at what cost...fear?

No. Not ok with this one.

TantrumsandBananas · 30/10/2012 07:46

Not OK.

All "adults" involved in a childs life need to agree what form discipline should take. Putting soap in a childs mouth is not a form of discipline.

I cannot believe that his mother thought this was OK. Good God, does she not see this as a warning!

ToothbrushThief · 30/10/2012 07:46

Why? Why the hell would anyone do that?

My DC would not go there again. End.

reddemonsinthegarden · 30/10/2012 07:49

no, not ok to do this. at all.

Halfway · 30/10/2012 07:50

Its the failure of your ex to adequately protect your child from her partner that concerns me the most about this, because if he has free rein to 'discipline' your child as he sees fit, then who knows where the line is drawn in his own mind, and what other forms of discipline he finds acceptable.

I would be furious, but I would try to stay cool-headed about it in order to take the most practical actions possible under the circumstances.

In this case, it would involve laying my concerns out thoroughly in writing. I think I would forward a copy to the ex directly, and also social services, and perhaps even the NSPCC as someone else suggested.

This sort of behaviour towards your child has to stop, but you may need to enlist outside help to do that. In any case, I would be creating a paper trail.

Just my two cents OP, all the very best.

KaFayOLay · 30/10/2012 07:50

YANBU - Was your ex embarrassed by having to admit her partners behaviour, or did she try to justify it?

This guy is out of order and words need to be had with him!!

LtEveDallas · 30/10/2012 07:51

I would also be very concerned that someone who thinks soap in the mouth is an acceptable punishment would be more likely to agree with hitting as well.

GwendolineScaryLacey · 30/10/2012 07:52

You're right to be worried. I'd be hopping.

MrsKeithRichards · 30/10/2012 07:52

Completely not ok.

Where is your son now?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 30/10/2012 07:52

Fuck that! I would not send my DS to be in that person's company again. That is child abuse, plain and simple.

Phone the police to lay a charge and phoen NSPCC for advice.

Hope your child is okay. He must be worried sick if he is wetting the bed again. Angry

fedupofnamechanging · 30/10/2012 07:53

I'd be applying for full custody of my child and would contact SS regarding exW's partner. That is abusive behaviour.

What sort of mother allows someone to behave like that?

HeinousHecate · 30/10/2012 07:54

I would hit the roof. It is totally unacceptable.

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms to never do anything like that again or there would be hell to pay.

What else is he going to do to discipline your child?

He needs to know right now that he is to back the hell off and never do anything like that again.

If the price you pay for that is that your relationship with your ex takes a bit of a nosedive - it's a price worth paying. He put soap in your child's mouth and frightened him so badly he went on to wet the bed.

That's awful. It shows how anxious he was about it.

MrsKeithRichards · 30/10/2012 07:57

She is failing to protect him.

Don't you do the same.

Orangelephantshavewrinkles · 30/10/2012 07:57

I have just read your car thread OP, your ex wife has problems. Have you thought about applying for custody?

IvorHughJackolantern · 30/10/2012 07:59

What everyone else has said, except the calling the police bit.

I would not be sending him back there and I'd make it clear why.

Yuck. My mum used to do this to my sister and I. She's lovely, we get on great, but there are aspects of her parenting that have definitely left their mark and this is very much one of them.

WofflingOn · 30/10/2012 08:04

Have you considered recording your phone calls so that you have evidence if you decide to go for full custody? Likewise using email and text, keep records.
Soap in the mouth was done to me and my siblings on a couple of occasions, but that was in the 60s, when it was one of the many disciplinary strategies used by parents that are no longer acceptable.
So YANBU and your DS should not be in her care if she's allowing it.

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