to be furious that ex wifes new partner put soap in ds mouth?

[damodad]

Sat down at breakfast and my eldest son who is 5 tells me that my ex wife's new partner has put soap in his mouth and he was worried and it made him wet the bed.
We have been separated 2yrs and things are pretty good between us all.
Tbh I took what he said with a pinch of salt because he has been making some pretty far fetched stories up recently.

I rang my ex that eve to check and it true. I am absolutely furious and a bit concerned. I'm not sure if it is my protective instincts making me overreact or if I am right to worried?

I would not tell NP you have spoken to anybody just yet, but I would report the incident and apply for custody.

You just risk that her abuse of your son continue, with her threatening your son to silence, thus escalating the abuse.

i also think you need to find out the exact circumstances around what happened but on any level this is unacceptable.

Why did she do it?

i would be grossly unhappy with this and i think it needs to be addressed properly, now.
Does the new partner resent your son?
how much of a say if she having in how to discipline your son?
what was your ex partners reaction and was she there at the time?

i would, in these circs come down like a ton of bricks on them - your ex tried to hide it so she knows this is wrong.

in my own experience, this is how my step father began a cycle of abuse which lasted 8 years for me. Someone else should not be able to wade in and change the way things are done, - if he is bed wetting i would be very concerned about his well being.

i would talk to SS. If the police were to have a report they would refer this to social services anyway.
you need to find out the full circumstances and talk to your boy about how things are at home i think. is he generally happy?

you are in a difficult position if the new partner is a manipulative controlling type and has a tendency to be a bully you need to keep your ex on your side not push her away at the same time as keeping your ds safe it is not easy

i think talking to your ex about how upsetting this was and that it is totally unacceptable and that you are worried you do not need to talk with him, it is down to you and your ex how your children are bought up that is not his role

it is understandable you are confused you trusted her and that has been broken and you are very worried and hurt for yoru son. you are aware now of what has happened and what you can do should anything like this happen again let?s hope it was a one off. i know people who still feel it is ok to smack their children quite hard and would probably think using this punishment is ok, would i say they were abusive no but their actions may cause more harm in the long run then they care do admit or even aware of how it can harm children emotionally

I don't give a shit about the op (who is the dad btw) but care a lot there's a little boy noone is stepping up to protect.

I would call SS and let them deal with it. The new partner is either deliberately abusive or doesn't know any better (which is doubtful after you said she's a teacher), either way something needs to shock her into stopping this behaviour, as she obviously sees no problem with it.

Pushitrealgood - no one is trying to badger the op, they are just concerned that a little boy doesn't seem to have anyone taking decisive action to protect him.

If everyone took the view of - ah just leave it, they know they done wrong- there'd be a lot more abuse. IME abusers may stop or lower it for a bit, once they are comfortable again, it starts up again with more secrecy. Also, the fact that someone knows and hasn't done nothing about it, just makes than feel as though their behaviour is fine. Just accepting this as a one off is not going to do this little boy any good.

what call the social services what do you think they will do rush round and take him into care please be realistic or the police will arrest the new partner.

the op is dealing with a situation that may just may get worse it may not he is now aware of what might happen and can report as soon as another incident happens. his hands are tied there is no way he will get full custody just for this unless his ex is willling to go along with him and is this what his ds wants. the ss coming round is not going to help the op and his ex's relationship and it is very important that he maintains regular contact with his ds and it is very intrusive and might not be necessary lets hope so if not he now knows what needs to be done

as some one pointed out earlier the gender of the people is not the point. realisticly the child will not be taken off it's mother for one incident. op you may or may not feel that your ex wife's new partner is an abuser, from what you say it sounds like you feel that your son has been tough to deal with and that your wifes np may have made a (bad) judgement call (because no loving parent has ever done that before have they?). if this is the case i would leave it were it is and keep a close eye on the situation. MN can be a great place for advice but there a few subjects that cause a massive outpouring of mob mentality aggression and child discipline is one of them. you have noted this issue brought it up with the others parents found out its truth and sought other advice. i would probably have another chat with them maybe face to face making clear that any thing like this come up again and there will be further consequences. also talk to son and thank him for telling you make him feel really good about it. aside from that i would probably leave it for now.

The fact that this boy is wetting the bed strongly suggests to me that he has been afraid of the NP for some time. I would doubt one incident of soap in the mouth would cause the bed wetting, more likely it's a result of an accumulation of incidents.

Also he 's only been making up stories recently, again this strikes me as a response to being at his mum's house.

And if she's doing this now, at the start of a relationship, what's it going to be like in 6 months? A year?

I think many of the posters are getting very het up for small reason. The op suggests the prior relationships were ok. Yet for one bad judgement call you want police, social, nspcc, and various other services called, oh and the previous visitation rights stopped altogether!

Get a grip people. The boy should receive an apology from the offender. The offender must agree never to do suchlike again. The parents must together watch the situation and monitor it going forwards.

Another instance might mean calling for advice from a service but this one time, get angry, get a resolution, get over it - together.

Put your fire laden broom sticks down people!

Possibly the son is difficult to deal with because of the NP behaviour towards him. I doubt that any of us would be at our best if we are shit scared.

No one is suggesting he call Social services so they will come round and take the boy. What has happened though does need to be logged with them incase of further abuse, possibly get some advice, and also to protect the OP.
As if the school are made aware, they will certainly be passing it onto SS, it will not look good if the two parents were aware of a new partner doing this, and no one did a thing.

It would be useful to know exactly what happened. I think we are all envisioning a howling, retching, man-handled child with a bar of soap being stuffed down its throat where it could have been a soapy fingered dab on the boys tongue done in an light hearted way. (Obviously still wrong though). ?????

OP please listen to Junebugjr - the advice she is giving fits in what I have been taught on numerous child protection courses (not surprising if she is a professional in the child protection field!)

Going by what you have said on this thread, I am more than a bit concerned about your little boy. Bedwetting, storytelling and deteriorating behaviour could be all be ways of him trying to let you know that the situation is very wrong. He might not know how to explain why he feels it is wrong (e.g. a child who is belittled, constantly called 'naughty' and made to feel generally worthless may feel that he deserves the way he is treated and that he has no right to complain about it).

I am a childcare professional and, if this soap-in-mouth thing happened to a child in my care, I would definitely be asking Social Services for advice. I wouldn't tell the parents, as that might put the child at further risk (e.g. by driving any abuse underground).

In your position, I would call Social Services for a general chat about the situation, and I would also talk to your son's school. Staff at his school may already have concerns (which they may have already reported), and you will be helping your son by giving the school and Social Services more information to work with.

LaCiccolina - you don't think it's rather strange that a near stranger to the son - a new partner apparently, is allowed to discipline the boy with soap in his mouth, and he is wetting the bed because of it? It wouldn't be ringing any bells for you?

np doesn't have to mean new as in only just arrived on the scene it can mean new as in not me.

I wonder what the other 'far fetched' stories are.

Up until the age of 4, I lived with my 'mother' and her friend. They were abusive to me. I was on the bus with my nan when I told her that they flushed my head down the toilet. SS were already involved and my 'mothers' friend just told them I had a vivid imagination. They seemed to accept this. I also used to wet the bed a lot because of the abuse. I was starved and only fed dry bread and water. I remember, at the age of 2, sneaking out at night to get food from the kitchen. When they found the crumbs in my 'bed' (it was a mattress on the floor with a sheet) they locked me in a cupboard that was barely big enough for me to move around in. No one even knew about that. I didn't say anything.

I would tread carefully with these aparent made up stories, you don't know.

I also wouldn't be having contact with the partner. Have you told your ex about speaking to NSPCC and what they said? I would be very very suspicious of their behaviour and whether this is the only incident.

She says she's a teacher.

Are you sure ?

NP has been her partner for almost 2 yrs so not new in that sense. I have spoken to my XW and have told her that I have spoken to the NSPCC. She assures me that she has spoken to her NP and nothing like this will happen again.

As for the bedwetting, as far as I know it was just on this occasion but he has never once wet the bed from when he was potty trained which is why it concerned me.

This is nothing short of appalling. And you say she's a teacher??!!!

Don't let this lie. Please.

What nature were the other "stories" he's come out with?

"nothing like this will happen again."

But other things might. Abuse takes all forms, and your ds might not recognise them as such in order to tell you. Particularly if he thinks you'll be furious as, in his mind, he might think it's his fault. And he loves his mum, presumably, so won't want to get her in trouble either.

He was claiming that he was being bullied at school but when we explained that we would have to bring it up with the teacher he said he made it up.

The NSPCC advised me (and I will do from now on) to accept what he says is the truth until proven otherwise as opposed to the other way round

I'm aware that how I deal with it with him is very important to ensure he feels safe to tell me anything. Also he has no idea any of this is going on, he doesn't know I am furious with mummy or NP nor will I tell him as much. Just reassure him and make him feel at ease to talk to me (or any other adult he might want to e.g. teacher)

Hang on. Just because he said he made it up when you said you would bring it up with the teacher doesn't mean he is lying. He may be worried about a bullying child finding out and taking it out on him. I certainly would not be assuming that that was a lie!!!

Not much shocks me.

But this thread does.

If it were me, I would have to talk to the woman who did this simply to get my head around the backstory and work out if the woman went into a rage or did this 'cold', whether she herself had some kind of odd background and thought this OK, or whatever. Not so that I can rationalise it in my own head but so I could assess the ongoing risk to my son. I'd also be analysing exactly the involvement of your XW in all of this and whether she is likely to protect the boy in the future.

Only when I knew that would I then decide what to do next.

I fully agree with everyone else.

And I am concerned that with the "warnings", and you having no supervision about what happens at their house, that it will continue, only your DS will be afraid to tell you.

They have already shown that they want to hide it. Your ex clearly knows you'd disapprove. Has he even told his np that it was not acceptable?