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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious that ex wifes new partner put soap in ds mouth?

153 replies

damodad · 30/10/2012 07:38

Sat down at breakfast and my eldest son who is 5 tells me that my ex wife's new partner has put soap in his mouth and he was worried and it made him wet the bed.
We have been separated 2yrs and things are pretty good between us all.
Tbh I took what he said with a pinch of salt because he has been making some pretty far fetched stories up recently.

I rang my ex that eve to check and it true. I am absolutely furious and a bit concerned. I'm not sure if it is my protective instincts making me overreact or if I am right to worried?

OP posts:
Original poster
damodad · 30/10/2012 08:09

Not that this is an issue but just for the sake of clarity, her new partner is a woman with a daughter of her own. It wasn't the act of putting soap in his mouth that worried me, it was when I confronted my ex she was almost trying to brush it under the carpet.
Apparently her NP wanted to tell me but my ex thought it best not to tell me? I have warned her that if I get the slighest sniff of anything like this happening again I will report it to social services. I have had my ex's mum on the phone this morning (we have a very good relationship) checking if I was going to report it.

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 30/10/2012 08:10

Totally unacceptable.

But....

Imho weensy you do next very much depends on how much you trust your rd tho protect your soon, especially given that you have a good relationship with her. It is entirely possible that her partner, not having kids himself and having had this done to him as a child, thought this was appropriate punishment.

If your ex, during the phone conversation, acknowledged that this was awful and said that she has told her partner a such, he was upset to have upset your son so much and wouldn't do it again I don't think there is as much cause for concern as some of you are making out. If this is the scenario I'd be watching things very very closely and making it absolutely clear to your son that if he is ever worried again about anything the partner does he is to tell his Mum immediately and you asap. This is ONLY if you can trust that your partner would unquestioningly take his side and not her partners. If this is the situation it would be a shame to ruin a good relationship between the 2 of you which will continue to benefit your son, for what could have been a misguided but not abusive act.

On the other hand if your ex was supportive of her partner or defensive or there is anything not adding up I'd do what everyone else has said and get advice from nspcc or social services and see where you go from here. If there is any inkling at all that this could have been deliberately abusive clearly protecting your son trumps preserving your relationship with his Mum.

YellowDinosaur · 30/10/2012 08:11

Cross posted with you op. If you trust your ex to put your son first I think this is fine. Only you know if this is the case or not...

YellowDinosaur · 30/10/2012 08:12

And please ignore all the autocorrects!!

midori1999 · 30/10/2012 08:20

YANBU at all.

However, given that your ex's new partner wanted to tell you about this, it suggests that she didn't think it was wrong and sees it as appropriate punishment, which obviously it is not. I think you all need to sit down and discuss this and make it clear that it is not acceptable and is abusive.

I would be more worried that your ex clearly felt this was wrong as she tried to keep it from you, but allowed it to happen anyway. Sad

MrsCantSayAnything · 30/10/2012 08:25

I wouldn't be waiting for "the slightest sniff"" of anything else op...I would report them now. BOTH of them.

Original poster
damodad · 30/10/2012 08:25

Just to add a bit more background. We have all had some issues with his behavoir recently and it has been all of our faults for not taking charge of the situation. A couple of weeks ago I had had enough so I had an hour long chat with my ex and we all agreed a common stratagy for both households with the same rules and rewards / consequences. This has worked really well and he has responded to it very quickly.

OP posts:
mutny · 30/10/2012 08:26

I would be worried that the dp wanted to tell you. That's an indication that she does not think its wrong in the slightest. She is unlikely to stop, unless she your ex puts her foot down.
Its assault. I am concerned that if she does this to someone else child what is she doing to her own?

WandaDoff · 30/10/2012 08:27

I would be raging.

HeinousHecate · 30/10/2012 08:29

the gender of the partner makes no difference whatsoever. Putting soap in your child's mouth is abusive.

Another talk is in order, saying that it is unacceptable and must never happen again, or you're taking action.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 30/10/2012 08:32

I'D be worried that your ex wanted to hide this from you. It suggested to me that she is not happy with it either and also suggests that she would back her partner over your son in future 'discipline' issues. ts also interesting that her mum is involved.

seeker · 30/10/2012 08:32

What were the circumstances? Not that anything can make it right, but you need to know exactly what happened.

lucyellenmum · 30/10/2012 08:33

Oh God, your poor Son - and you say there have been other "far fetched" stories too? Well unless he is telling you that he has a big hairy imaginary friend called chewbacca, i wouldn't be considering anything he says as "far fetched" now, as something that was quite frankly, unbelievable has been confirmed to be true. Im sorry but i would be applying for full custody and reporting to SS as everyone else has said here.

LaCiccolina · 30/10/2012 08:34

I think the police/nspcc is a touch above a reasonable reaction but I do believe this requires a vociferously phrased response from you to the pair of them. I guess one half had no idea what the other did til u checked? I would change visits so presently not overnight, and short daytime with u present if the offending person is around. Trust needs rebuilding which can be done with time. I would also keep watching it.

An apology needs to b given to ur boy too. He needs to see the adult b sorry and repent.

Poor kid

Waitingforastartofall · 30/10/2012 08:41

I would to be furious and be expecting her to apologise to ds. My son wouldnt be going back there until we had laid some serious ground rules and make sure she knows that her relationship with ds needs to be rebuilt so that he trusts her again.

AnEerieAirOfHorror · 30/10/2012 09:05

I would thank your son for telling you and confirm its ok to tell you things he is worried about.

The fact the event made him wet the bed means you need to take it more seriously. It scared your son. Someone he lives with who is an adult is bullying him so much it makes him wet the bed. This is not on.

What other things has your son said?

seeker · 30/10/2012 09:06

You really need to know exactly what happened.

Backtobedlam · 30/10/2012 09:37

I can't see how it could ever be justified to wash a 5yr olds mouth out with soap! Most of what they say at that age is repeated, your ds probably didn't even know the meaning of what he said. My children drive me to distraction at times, but I've never resorted to this, and to do it to someone else's child is even worse as usually you'd hold back more. I'd be worried what other 'discipline' techniques this person uses.

HGAFC · 30/10/2012 09:39

Until you said your exW's partner has a daughter of her own I had a sneaking suspicion you were my cousin's exH.

Her girlfriend used to brag about forcing her stepchildren to eat a spoonful of everything in the house (including salt/pepper/spices etc) for the crime of... Eating a slice of her chocolate cake.

People that are open about abuse like that don't just stop doing it.

seeker · 30/10/2012 09:40

"I can't see how it could ever be justified to wash a 5yr olds mouth out with soap"

Of course it couldn't. But the OP doesn't know what happened.

And he needs to know the exact circumstances in case he need them for evidence in court or something later.

lunar1 · 30/10/2012 09:40

No way would my children be going back there. Keep him with you and call the police or ss

midori1999 · 30/10/2012 09:45

People that are open about abuse like that don't just stop doing it

I'm not in any way justifying what has happened here, but I think some people just genuinely don't realise this sort of thing is wrong. It's a bit like biting a child back if they bite you. Loads of people had it done to them as kids, it used to be common and not frowned upon and so loads of people think that is how you teach children things/punish them.

My DH had a terribly abusive childhood. He didn't even realise that until we talked about it. He told me not long after we were together, almost proudly, that he had washed his son's mouth out with soap after he swore. Sad I was furious and told him that this was abusive and not a suitable way to teach a child that something is wrong and after we discussed it he realised that it was wrong and he also now fully agrees with my methods of gentle parenting. He would never do anything like this again, or contemplate smacking a child, he knows it is very wrong.

seeker · 30/10/2012 09:46

Honestly, the police/social services thing is just silly. Particularly as you don't know exactly what happened!

Backtobedlam · 30/10/2012 09:49

Sorry seeker...I wasn't aiming that comment at you. I agree it would be useful to know exact sequence of events.

greenbananas · 30/10/2012 09:53

I don't think talking to Social Services would be over the top. They are unlikely to do very much at this stage, but at least there would be something on record in case the situation escalated.

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