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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious that ex wifes new partner put soap in ds mouth?

153 replies

damodad · 30/10/2012 07:38

Sat down at breakfast and my eldest son who is 5 tells me that my ex wife's new partner has put soap in his mouth and he was worried and it made him wet the bed.
We have been separated 2yrs and things are pretty good between us all.
Tbh I took what he said with a pinch of salt because he has been making some pretty far fetched stories up recently.

I rang my ex that eve to check and it true. I am absolutely furious and a bit concerned. I'm not sure if it is my protective instincts making me overreact or if I am right to worried?

OP posts:
Tailtwister · 30/10/2012 09:54

Wow, that's NOT ok. I think you need to take some action on this. Poor little chap.

shesariver · 30/10/2012 10:00

Honestly, the police/social services thing is just silly. Particularly as you don't know exactly what happened!

Rubbish! Its an assualtpure and simple - which is a crime and should be reported to the Police. They then can investigate the circumstances. If someone came up to me and shoved soap in my mouth I would phone the Police - it shouldnt be any different just because its a child.

greenbananas · 30/10/2012 10:06

The NSPCC website here classes washing out a child's mouth with soap as abusive behaviour.

digerd · 30/10/2012 10:08

Did he wet the bed at your EXs? If so what form of punishment was used on him for that? Very worrying

knackeredmother · 30/10/2012 10:10

My god , I would be phoning the police! How dare she!

YouWithTheFace · 30/10/2012 10:16

I agree with knowing more. The threat of washing your mouth out with soap was commonly used on us as children, but it was only ever applied once, to one of my brothers at an older age than 5 after a really really bad swearing episode done on purpose, and with him daring us all to do it. And it wasn't more than a dab of Pears or something on the tongue, hardly soap suds or OMGabuseabuse. It was really just a shock tactic to snap him out of his temper tantrum and it worked, but he wasn't the kind of kid to be damaged by that! I would have been upset though if it had happened to me, so it depends so much on the child, on the circumstances, on the boundaries, on the situation.

seeker · 30/10/2012 10:38

So you're going to ring the police and say "my 5 year old said that his mum's new partner put soap in his mouth- please investigate"

The OP needs to asking the other adults in this scenario very serious questions. But involving the police or social services at this stage will help no one. Particularly not the child.

ScarahScreams · 30/10/2012 10:43
Sad
Alisvolatpropiis · 30/10/2012 10:51

YADNBU!

That's appalling behaviour,your poor son!

starmaker7 · 30/10/2012 10:54

if someone did this to my child THEY would be eating soap along with my fist :@

GhostofMammaTJ · 30/10/2012 10:57

I have been a step mum and as the 'real' mum was very soft, we had a 'my house, my rules' policy.

Although that actually applies to all visiting children.

The one thing I always kept in mind was that I would have to justify anything and everything to my H and to my DStDs mum. That stood me in good stead for many years.

You don't sound too soft, you sound like you are trying to control your sons excesses very well.

I think you need to have another conversation and remind the GF that she needs to be able to not only justify her actions to you, but to SS should anything like this happen again.

seeker · 30/10/2012 10:57

Will people stop being hysterical? It's awful. But it's happened and the OP needs to plan. He doesn't need competitive "What I would do to someone who did this to mine" comments.

SamSmalaidh · 30/10/2012 11:12

seeker - the mother and her partner both agreed it happened, so it isn't a story a child has told.

I would call social services and have it logged/ask for advice too.

SamSmalaidh · 30/10/2012 11:14

And as a nursery teacher, if a child told me that this happened to them I would be logging it and seeking social services advice too, so if the ds repeats this at school I would expect it reported.

wannaBe · 30/10/2012 11:14

about three years ago I was talking to a mum in the playground and she was saying how her ds would have his mouth washed out with soap that night because of his behavior. She went on to say how he'd hidden all the soap in the house before so they'd used shower jell instead. Shock

I came home and posted about it on mn, and do you know what responses I got?

"keep your nose out/if that's the only punishment that works/I had it done to me as a child and it never did me any harm."

Op - if someone did that to my child I would hit the roof, but in all honesty you need to sit down and have a calm discussion about A, the reasons why it happened, B, the fact you consider this an unacceptable form of discipline, and C, what methods of discipline you (and your ex for that matter) consider unacceptable on either side.

Talk of the police is hysterical. Yes it is consider asalt, however in truth people used certain punishments back in the day and if it workked for them sometimes they don't concede that what was considered ok then isn't any more.

For the record in the situation mentioned above I agonised over it for days, saught advice from a friend who is a SW, and eventually reported it. But no action was ever taken.

Junebugjr · 30/10/2012 11:24

This would be waving huge red flags to me.

I work in CProtection, and this would be something that I would be very concerned about. Particularly as its her partner dishing out the 'discipline', your ex obviously knows its wrong as she tried to hide it from you, but doesn't seem to have the control in the relationship to stop it. This was an instance of abuse plain and simple, children also do not wet the bed over a bit of discipline either, he must be scared on a day to day basis for it to get to that.

Have you thought about the fact that he maybe acting up lately because of his situation at your ex's house. It's no point blaming the poor boy for bad behaviour or 'stories' if he's subjected to this, of course his behaviour will be affected.

The fact that they seem shit scared of you ringing social services seems quite telling. You need to ring social services over this, or your failing to protect him the same as his mother. A little chat with your ex or a don't do it again warning to her partner isn't going far enough. Ring them before the situation for your boy escalates. Possibly my job effects my view here, but abuse doesn't stop, it just becomes more secretive, and children unfortunately are easy to silence with warnings or threats. A visit from a social worker may hammer home and nip in the bud something that an angry phonecall from you may not.

What does her mother think of this?

Original poster
damodad · 30/10/2012 11:25

Quick update (I'm at work!) Have spoken to the NSPCC who have advised me that they feel that this is totally unacceptable. They also said I need to discuss it with DS and make sure he understands that it was wrong and that he also understands that if anything else happens that he is unhappy with happens that he can let me know (I haven't had a chance yet as I only found this out mon morn just before I left for work and I don't have them again until the weekend.

Finally they said if anything like this happens again then to phone them asap and they would refer the case to SS police etc.

I'm pretty happy with this as it was what I was planning to do. ExW has been texting me saying her NP wants to speak to me but I'm not sure I want to do it yet, I'd rather the conversation was constructive and I get my point across rather than me flying off the handle which is what I suspect I would do at the moment.

This has upset me a lot, I never thought I would be ringing the NSPCC for my children.

OP posts:
MrsCantSayAnything · 30/10/2012 11:27

Good news. It's a shocking thing to do.

MsVelvet · 30/10/2012 11:30

Absolutely disgusting behaviour to do this to a child, i have a very horrible memory of my dad doing this to me when i was younger with a bar of shield soap, i felt ill for ages after and cant use bars of soap to this day cos of it.

Sassybeast · 30/10/2012 11:32

I would not be engaging in any 'conversation' with this NP other than to tell her that you have spoken to the NSPCC and if there is EVER a repeat of this incident, then the police are informed. How fucking dare she ? The very act of forcing a child to eat soap would inevitably involve some sort of physical restraint.
I would be straight round there to get my children out of that situation. Does your son have a phone ? Can he contact you at any time day or night ?

AnEerieAirOfHorror · 30/10/2012 11:53

Glad you got the help and advice you needed. Im sorry this has happened to your son and you :(

Dont forget its your ex that should have stopped it happening, put rules in place and should have delt with it and told you. You need to adress these issues with your ex and find out why she didnt tell you and how you can stop her from withholding information in the future.

You sound like a great parent and very level headed considering what happened. If your ex is having a hard time with your son could you offer to have him live with you?

ScarahScreams · 30/10/2012 12:20

You sound like a lovely parent. Thank God you got wind of this...

Oblomov · 30/10/2012 12:24

Using soap and/or washing up liquid (a dab on mums finger,and then mums finger put on childs tongue) were done, not just in the 60's , but in the 70's but in the 80's aswell.
Dh had it done once to him, by his mum, after weeks and weeks of being rude to her, and she said finally, after he responded to no other punishments, if you carry on talking to me like that I will wash your mouth out. And he did continue. And it was done. And he never spoke to his mum like that again.
My sil (who is a nurse) was talking to dh about how it was done back then, but is not considered an appropriate punishment these days. Plus, sil, explained that washing up liquid was much weaker and milder back then, but now is very condensed and very strong.

Oblomov · 30/10/2012 12:33

Greenbanana's Your link to the NSPCC is very interesting. But I could not find the bit about washing up liquid. what is the exact quote please?

I am not condoning or saying that w-u-liquid is o.k. Not saying that at all. I was just pointing out that it was been done for many years, and the other parent, of OP, may be none-the-wiser that it was now consideed not o.k.
My dh did not know this, until my sil told him.
And dh was not in an abusive childhood. All 6 of them were totally loved and my mil is lovely.

GoldenPeppermintCreams · 30/10/2012 12:33

Well done for talking to the NSPCC. I would also warn the school so they are aware of the situation, and that there is a record, because this could escalate further with more incidents.

Why did your ex-MIL call you to check if you were calling social services? Was it because she was protecting her daughter, or because she wanted to do it her self? She might be aware of more incidents?

Good luck, I know this is difficult.

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