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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious that ex wifes new partner put soap in ds mouth?

153 replies

damodad · 30/10/2012 07:38

Sat down at breakfast and my eldest son who is 5 tells me that my ex wife's new partner has put soap in his mouth and he was worried and it made him wet the bed.
We have been separated 2yrs and things are pretty good between us all.
Tbh I took what he said with a pinch of salt because he has been making some pretty far fetched stories up recently.

I rang my ex that eve to check and it true. I am absolutely furious and a bit concerned. I'm not sure if it is my protective instincts making me overreact or if I am right to worried?

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 30/10/2012 15:56

have you spoken to school OP?
has his general demeanor changed at all since the Np came on the scene?

i would still report this, as a safeguard against future abuse. I would also want to know what other punishments she has metered out. How is she with him normally?
i used to flinch from my SF, if he came near or raised a hand i would flinch. i was very nervous around him and he made me feel uncomfortable from the day i met him. (i was 7)
i would not let this go. i think it shows a disturbing lack of care, compassion and judgement on both your ex partners part aswell as the NP.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/10/2012 15:58

the other thing - is that i did not mention it to anyone because i did not want to change or rock the boat....i had no idea what would happen and was fiercly loyal to my mother back then - at 5 or 7 they are your world and you are aware that saying something might change things - even at that age.

it ended up with SF putting me in hospital with broken bones. i would dig and keep digging until you get to the bottom of this.

Junebugjr · 30/10/2012 16:12

OP your obviously not going to report this to SS for whatever reason.
At least do some reading about childhood abuse, and how it can be hidden, and also the behaviour displayed by a child when they are being abused.
It is not your sons responsibility to identify and report abusive behaviour to you, he may not even realise it is abusive, but you need to watch out for signs of it in your child. Increased bad behaviour, bed wetting, emotionally withdrawn etc.
I would also not take your xw take on things as necessarily true, but listen to your boy a bit more.

I think your post OP also illustrates to other posters how children can be abused so easily. It's because even when they do disclose, people think it can be managed by having a word etc. So family all know what's going on, but no one actually does anything. Let's just hope your son tells his school, the decision will be out of your hands then.

LaCiccolina · 30/10/2012 16:40

I'm not advising ignoring anything, the child is paramount. I'm just asking for some sensible advice before everyone hangs the np and sets them on fire. I just think that SS etc are NOT the first point of call. They are part of a chain of events and that simpler tactics be tried first (reason for example) before hand. I'm asking that the op is allowed to use their judgement of all the individuals concerned which is something many others appear to want to ignore.

mummywithnosleep · 30/10/2012 17:13

There is a mug sat on my desk which says.

Do something, Do anything, but do not do nothing.

I´m not in child protection per say, but this is a huge giant red flag.

my thoughts.

This happened BEFORE you had a meeting to sort out moving forward with combined tactics - NO ONE TOLD YOU.

your ex tried to hide this from you

your kid behaviour is deteriorating

you have not had a chance to disguss this but you DC is back with the same people that did this and hid it? YOu will have NO direct contact with him untill the weekend?

For god sack. SOMEONE needs to be told.

I would start with SS, they can talk to you first, and then to your ex/np and the child

Oh and bullying at school? Maybe he ment bully at home, or maybe like virtually every kid I know he was worried about making everything worse.

Damodad, please at least run this past social services informally if you must and see what they say.

Hope that helps

IneedAsockamnesty · 30/10/2012 17:31

i think your ex and her np have far more problems with parenting that this one issue

MrsKeithRichards · 30/10/2012 18:05

Claims, pinch of salt, telling stories

Why the fuck are you not LISTENING to what your son is TELLING you?

Goldenjubilee10 · 30/10/2012 18:55

You say your "eldest son" do your other children live with your ex and her np. Are they younger and therefor even more vulnerable?

pushitreallgood · 30/10/2012 18:59

oh my gosh. op do what you are doing, keep an eye on things and see how thing progress. good luck. both in life and on this thread.

JustFabulous · 30/10/2012 19:02

"Nothing like this will happen again."

So other things probably will.

It is classic childhood behaviour to deny something happened when really it did because they are scared of what will happen if it is taken forward.

exoticfruits · 30/10/2012 19:06

You do need to do something-there is never any justification for putting soap in a child's mouth.

clam · 30/10/2012 19:10

And I would want to know what the hell else has been going on before this that no one's seen fit to tell you about. Or that your ds has been to scared to mention.

shockers · 30/10/2012 19:12

He's 5, if another child did this, it would be bullying. The difference is, this wasn't a child, it was someone much bigger than him, someone who he has no choice about staying with.

If he's been dry at night since he came out of nappies, his bedwetting is a sign that he is feeling very anxious. His behaviour might... sorry, will, also be a sign of that.

Could you have a meeting with your XW and her partner to discuss boundaries, possibly with someone else there on your behalf?

StrawberryMojito · 30/10/2012 19:17

Many people on the thread have asked you the full circumstances of what happened which presumably his mum has told you. I may have missed it but what exactly happened?

clam · 30/10/2012 19:47

Washing out a child's mouth with soap is such an archaic, overly authoritarian punishment to inflict, that it indicates to me a very worrying trait in this woman's personality. It horrifies me to hear that she's a teacher as well, ffs.

What else is she doing to him? Verbally? Emotionally? Physically?

PetitIndice · 30/10/2012 20:04

Poor you, OP.
The NP will herself have had training on safeguarding if she is a teacher. Therefore she will have been trained to report treatment like this.
This isn't ignorance, I fear. At best, arrogance. At worst - well, it's been said on here already.
Listen to your little boy, stay calm, and protect him. He isn't being treated fairly, at the very least.
Good luck.

lunar1 · 31/10/2012 12:41

How is your DS today OP, hope he had a better nights sleep.

Sazzle41 · 31/10/2012 13:41

If she is a Teacher she knows what she has done is physical assault. You don't touch other people's children and you have what lawyers call a 'a duty of care associated with and/or defined by your role' as a Teacher (or Step Parent, or whatever role a responsible adult has in that child's life).

If you read the book 'Child C', washing up liquid in the mouth was listed in the court papers as a daily part of the horrific physical abuse, so if the prosecuting social services/police deemed it assault and abuse: and so did the Court, it IS ...

That your son is wetting the bed speaks volumes, he is emotionally affected already, this need sorting, soon as.

cumfy · 31/10/2012 15:48

You say that DS retracted his bullying allegations when you said you were going to go to the school, but have you considered that he may have been scared or believed, perhaps rationally that things might get worse ?

Also why did you not just inform the school without telling him ?

TheBigJessie · 31/10/2012 19:20

What cumfy said ^.

TheBigJessie · 31/10/2012 19:24

If you are bullied, you always need to tell someone. But telling someone is terrifying, because the bully will find out you told. And then, maybe they will punish you, and it will be worse.

Think about that carefully. It applies to bullying from adults, too. Don't write everything off if you son claims he "made it all up" about the soap next week.

CrapBag · 01/11/2012 20:03

"You say that DS retracted his bullying allegations when you said you were going to go to the school, but have you considered that he may have been scared or believed, perhaps rationally that things might get worse ?

Also why did you not just inform the school without telling him ? "

I brought up something similar a few pages back, it seems to have been ignored. I would not be so quick to think a 5 year old lied about being bullied and suddenly told the truth when told it would need to be brought up at school.

Do 5 year olds lie like that anyway? I wouldn't have thought them capable.

shockers · 05/11/2012 18:49

He may have been being bullied at school, or he may just have wanted to tell someone that he felt bullied in general and made up the bullying story at school so that he could talk about his feelings with someone without getting into trouble. He might not even have known what he was doing, but it sounds very much like a little boy trying to work out his feelings.

shockers · 05/11/2012 18:50

Sorry crapbag, that was for the OP.

CrapBag · 05/11/2012 21:41

I wish the OP would come back and explain it actually. I am finding it frustrating that he has refused to answer anything about this alledged bullying but simply chose to believe that his child is lying about it, when he could be lying about lying.