to be furious that ex wifes new partner put soap in ds mouth?

[damodad]

Sat down at breakfast and my eldest son who is 5 tells me that my ex wife's new partner has put soap in his mouth and he was worried and it made him wet the bed.
We have been separated 2yrs and things are pretty good between us all.
Tbh I took what he said with a pinch of salt because he has been making some pretty far fetched stories up recently.

I rang my ex that eve to check and it true. I am absolutely furious and a bit concerned. I'm not sure if it is my protective instincts making me overreact or if I am right to worried?

Damodad, you sound like a very responsible parent. I would find this very difficult to cope with indeed! Well done you for getting good advice from NSPCC, and best of luck with dealing with the situation. You seem to have a very level head, so you should be able to turn the situation round.

Completely unacceptable behaviour, am all for other adults disciplining my children but there is a line that is not to be crossed and she has taken a running jump straight over it. I think a phone call to express your concern over said event and possible discussion on what you deem appropriate discipline to be (hers could vary greatly to yours) so that you are both singing from the same sheet. And after that calm polite conversation tell her that if she ever does any thing like that again you will be reporting her for child abuse.

I'm so glad you rang the NSPCC. If you do speak to the NP, remain calm what ever you do. Do tell them that you have spoken to the NSPCC and tell them what their recommendations are.

I would be very concerned. If this is happening, what else is going on?

Am I missing something here?

You need to step up and protect your son! Phoning a charity with no statutory powers is not protecting him.

Sending him back into a house where one of the adults cannot stop the other one physically assaulting her own child is not protecting him.

Refusing to tackle this head on with the partner who probably had your son in a headlock whilst cramming soap into his mouth whist he was crying, choking and gagging whilst his mother done nothing to stop it IS NOT PROTECTING YOUR SON.

If you have to converse with him - can it be in email format? That way there is no confusion and everything can be clear and on paper. If you get another text from ExP, can you ask NP to email you instead

Sitting and waiting for her to do it again, which she will (it will probably take longer for your son to speak up about it the next time though) before you report her for child abuse is mental. Was that her one free shot at your son?

To be honest I would log it with social services anyway. Because I assume you don't know the Np's history and this may be part of a bigger historical picture. SSD may well not do anything, but its at the very least logged in case anything else happens in the future. By telling Np you are will take action next time is giving her a second chance, and a chance to be more secretive and manipulative, at the detriment of your child.

Exactly ryle. I do not understand people advocating giving this woman another chance. His mother has failed him, his step mum is failing him and after plucking up the courage to speak up, YOU are just another grown up in his life that's failed him.

I'm not sure using examples of what was then acceptable discipline used in the context of a loving family is very useful to the OP, given the differences in his families set up, and the fact this is a new partner doing the 'discipline'

NP probably wants to contact you to minimise what she has done, probably like the above examples.

OP, it is not normal behaviour by any means, that a new partner waltzes in and does this to a child for discipline. Be warned for it escalating. If she is happy to do this at the start of a relationship with your ex, what's she going to be like when she has her feet under the table and relaxes.

I would definately inform his school, so they are aware what's going on, and if he does disclose it to them anyway, you are not left looking bad if he says, 'well mummy and daddy both knew'. I'd also seriously think of contacting social services with the information, you never know she may have had form for this sort of thing before, and that it's logged what she did to your son.

I would not have any contact with NP unless it's written down in black and white, email etc. reason being, if there are further instances, you have stuff written down, and also it's clearer to think and put down what you really mean to say especially if your feeling get up.

Would you be willing to discuss it with the child protection officer at your child's school? It may be the case that your child is going in to school and talking about this, so it would be helpful if school were fully in the picture about what's going on.

Are you really happy to let him go back there OP? I wouldn't allow my children back in the house with this abusive woman.

But the new plan of discipline hasn't worked if his mum's girlfriend thinks she needs to put soap in a child's mouth!

I agree with MrsKeithRichards. Just waiting for it to happen again is not enough neither is a phonecall to a charity for advice.

If you were a school teacher or support worker had come across this info and had just done a call to a charity, end of matter etc, you would be failing in your duty of care. I'm not sure why as a parent this is acceptable.

The thing is, your son is small and vulnerable. He is unable to protect himself, and, quite rightly so, relies on the adults in his life to do so for him. If one of them fails to do that, then the others have a duty to protect him. It concerns me that the NP does this to someone who is not even her child, and it is massively overstepping her boundaries. If she can do this to someone elses child, then what else does she deem acceptable? Using soap was once acceptable as a form of dicipline, so were many other undesirable practices. But they are not any more. The Np is severely lacking in parenting skills and a second chance for her would not be in your sons best interests.

JustFab this happened before the discipline plan was put in place, it's just I only found out about it on Mon.

I think only maintaining a written contact with the NP is the way ahead although I'm not sure how she will react (not that I care) due to the fear of incriminating herself (she is a teacher and may feel her job is under threat)

I would talk to SS. They probably won't do more than send someone for a chat, if that, but perhaps an official objective person can make NP realise how unacceptable her behaviour was. I imagine she has convinced his mum that she was being too soft, and the same for you. SS will make it very clear it is her that is wrong in a way that you asking her not to do it again just won't.

Phone a charity and send an email. Is that really all you're going to do?

Sorry op but you seem to be skirting the issue. Why are you not informing social services?

Also, a written plan would not only incriminate her, but you also as you are aware of her behaviour but chose to not act.

She's a teacher? Jeez, things just get better. I just hope she isn't in my dc's school.

I wonder how she diciplines the kids at school, bearing in mind she seems to be lacking in personal control.

She is a teacher

It is such an extreme thing to do to a 5 year old!

I would try and get something in writing from your ex or try and record a phone conversation. (??)

Bloody hello, she's a teacher! It's not even like she couldn't have known it was unacceptable.

Hello= hell

so now you are badgering the op and trying to force her in to doing something she obviously doesn't want to. if she is happy the situation is resolved then that is her decision. she has probably spooked both her ex and her np enough that nothing like this will happen again chill people stop the rampage against her.