Who is being unreasonable here? Wedding drama.

[manicinsomniac]

Ok, trying to keep the background simple and not too specific:

A while ago friend A quit her job, very suddenly, because she said she was being bullied by some of our colleagues.

Friend B is getting married. Friend A is the maid of honour.

Friend B has invited the 'bullying' colleagues to the wedding (partly out of politics but also because they are friendly with each other)

Right, so, last night friend B phoned me crying because friend A is now refusing to come to the wedding if the bullies come. She says it will make her physically sick to see them.

My response was 'for God's sake she's 40 not 10!' and I have more or less told friend A that to her face, in slightly less harsh terms.

Friend B asked me to try and talk friend A round and let her know how upset she was. My take on it was that if A is really B's best friend then she will appreciate that it is B's day, she can invite who she likes and that A will have to deal with it and socialise in an appropriate, polite, adult fashion.

A is now 'not speaking' to me I may have accidentally used the words selfish and childish . And doesn't appear any closer to giving in.

Who do you think is being unreasonable? Is Friend A pathetic? Is Friend B a bridezilla? Am I taking B's side unfairly and not appreciating A's POV?

I can't stop thinking of the poor children at that school :(

So dismissive of bullies

Would you Tell a bullied child to just get on with it and think that xxx bully is too 'nice' to do that

For what it's worth OP, in my view I don't think you have bullied A. You were mean in that phonecalll, and maybe lacked empathy and compassion and failed to see it from her point of view, and the whole cooking it up (which was mostly of B's doing) was somewhat immature. But you haven't systematically bullied A and I think the posters accusing you of this are being a little unfair. And from your responses you have taken this on board and seems like while you don't agree with A, you see that you have a difference of opinion.

I think DollyTwat is right. I don't think you actually like A though, deep down, which isn't a crime. However it is not your responsibility to fight either of their battles.

We only have your view of the whole situation and my only conclusion is that it's a mystery why A and B are very close friends at all. The safest thing for your sanity is to keep out of the whole sorry episode. I think B is the true villain in all this. A may or may not have been bullied, your colleagues may or may not have done the bullying, but B is definitely a manipulative whiner who unfairly used you as weapon, maybe because she thought you were a straight talker and not that emotionally attached to A. But you didn't recognise how much this would hurt A even more, perhaps unwisely, but we all make mistakes.

All the while B gets to look, in your and your colleagues' eyes, like the victim, the poor wounded bride who's friend is ruining her wedding. Being a bride doesn't make her queen, she should get over herself. I feel sorry for A, but I feel for you a bit too, you have been dragged into it and felt you had to get involved for loyalty's sake. You went in all guns blazing but I think you were trying to knock sense into A and restore the peace rather than deliberately guilt-trip her and give her abuse. You may have gone about it the wrong way, but the only thing you could do now is apologise if you think that you have treated her badly. Even if you don't like her much.

The whole whether or not she was bullied is a bit of a red herring, and I don't think it's fair to question the OP's professionalism when she has already said she directs students who mention bullying through the appropriate channels. She admits that she doesn't really handle bullying accusations with children because she is not the best person for the job. Even if she is dispassionate and says "go see the nurse/Head of Year" it doesn't make her a bad teacher. In any case dealing with something as a professional is completely different from what you might do in your personal life where you are more emotionally involved. I am a consummate professional in my job but have few compatible morals outside of work ;)

we kind of do have to be friends because we have almost no ?out of work? to see other friends in. We work in a boarding school and pretty much live there. I mean, we have our own houses but they?re all very local to the school and we?re in school most of the time.

So really, regardless of whether these other women are bullies or not, because your job makes it awkward for you to socialise out of work you have to be friends with your work colleagues just so that you have friends...

You have your own houses, friend B manages to conduct a relationship with someone outside of work and is marrying him... these people don't have to be your friends. You are choosing to be friends with them!

You are dismissing friend A's claim of being bullied because you want to remain friends with these people and you are finding it easy to turn a blind eye to her claims never see any of the bullying.

Obviously if you genuinely like your work colleagues then you aren't going to want to take sides. In fact you shouldn't, but you do need to be more sympathetic to friend A's situation. Please don't push her on this issue

Agree with Heyannie!

So when A were bullied by her colleagues, it made it doubly hard for her?
She had to not only leave her job, but her home too?

And her colleagues were also her social circle?

I feel more and more sorry for A!

But I do see that you are between the rock and a hard place. The crux of gang mentality, isnt it?

Manicinsomniac - wow you've had a hard time!

FWIW I think:

• some people do wrongly interpret actions as bullying. I work with kids on the spectrum and it's very common for them to misinterpret others' actions as directed at them when they aren't, for example to hear a group of people in the corner laughing and immediately assume they are laughing at them. This can also happen when a person is feeling depressed or paranoid.
• work place bullying does take place, for definite, and friend A obviously felt bullied.

I also think

• working in a boarding school is quite incestuous and I can see that it will be hard for friend B to uninvite colleagues, and how that could cause B stress and anxiety for some time to come in her workplace.
• B has been insensitive, and A has been naive to assume that B would automatically cull her guest list without prior discussion

I think that it's not your issue mani, but I think this is what should have happened:

B should have had a long chat with A a while ago. She should have said. 'Look, I want you to be my MOH. It won't be the same without you there. But I know that might be hard for you given the circumstances in school. How can we plan this so I can maintain the work relationships I need to, and you can be happy?' Then they could have organised, for instance, that all work colleagues would be invited only to evening do, and A could leave beforehand. Or that no work colleagues would be invited. Or that A is just unable to cope with any other work colleagues being there and can't attend.

I actually do think A is being a bit unreasonable to say at this late stage that she won't go and people should be uninvited. She should know about the protocol in boarding school weddings- presumably there have been others at the school before and colleagues were invited - and that it was likely that other colleagues would be invited, and should have voiced her concerns earlier. She shouldn't have assumed that it would all be taken care of to her benefit without mentioning it. I suspect B just got all carried away in her wedding plans and didn't think of the impact on A. It is horrific and exhausting organising a wedding.

I went to a wedding once and one of the other guests was my team leader who was trying to bulky me out of my job and it was not a nice experience at all. I felt awkward and just wanted to get out of there as soon as I could!

I think A is right to not attend the wedding if B insists the bullies are still invited, A must know what she can and can't cope with and obviously this would be too much for her.

Having said that it is totally up to B who she invites to the wedding.

Very difficult situation and I don't think there is going to be a solution that pleases everybody.

+1 for HeyAnnie

You were used as a bulldog by B because she knows you are insensitive forthright. Best you can do now is apologise all round, back out and encourage A and B to talk quietly and open-mindedly about it, and try to really listen to what the other one is saying. At the risk of adding to an already toppling pile of cliches, teachers do spend a hell of a lot of time in transmit mode, I have observed this amongst my own friends. Maybe this is at the root of some of the wider issues with the group.

But if it shakes out that A doesn't want to go at all now, I think that's just tough buns on B really.

Haven't read whole thread but on the basis of p1 I would say the maid of honour should really get a bit of a grip. At a wedding (unless it is tiny, in which case you don't invite people out of politeness so I am assuming this one isn't) you can easily avoid people. I went to a wedding with my new partner and our baby at which my ex and his new wife were also. We managed "hello" and a smile and apart from feeling a little conscious of their presence that was it. No way would I have allowed it to be an issue for the bride and groom. I suggest as someone else did that you talk to A in a sympathetic and understanding way (avoiding words like childish) but try and persuade her that this is NOT about her.