Who is being unreasonable here? Wedding drama.

[manicinsomniac]

Ok, trying to keep the background simple and not too specific:

A while ago friend A quit her job, very suddenly, because she said she was being bullied by some of our colleagues.

Friend B is getting married. Friend A is the maid of honour.

Friend B has invited the 'bullying' colleagues to the wedding (partly out of politics but also because they are friendly with each other)

Right, so, last night friend B phoned me crying because friend A is now refusing to come to the wedding if the bullies come. She says it will make her physically sick to see them.

My response was 'for God's sake she's 40 not 10!' and I have more or less told friend A that to her face, in slightly less harsh terms.

Friend B asked me to try and talk friend A round and let her know how upset she was. My take on it was that if A is really B's best friend then she will appreciate that it is B's day, she can invite who she likes and that A will have to deal with it and socialise in an appropriate, polite, adult fashion.

A is now 'not speaking' to me I may have accidentally used the words selfish and childish . And doesn't appear any closer to giving in.

Who do you think is being unreasonable? Is Friend A pathetic? Is Friend B a bridezilla? Am I taking B's side unfairly and not appreciating A's POV?

Something was so wrong, wrong enough to make her leave her job!

You need to support A I think.

Friend B the bride is being unreasonable. If she left her job, the thing that pays her bills, because of this bullying then that is pretty serious.

I could understand if she didn't want to attend the wedding.

I agree MmeLindor, the bride doesn't need to justify her invitations, or try to persuade A.

OP to me it sounds like you are closer to B, erring towards disliking A and quite like the colleagues. If you and B think A is being childish, the kindest thing to do would be to accept her decision not to come to the wedding and not make her feel bad. It's obviously important to her that she doesn't spend time with people. Either she is overblowing things and will miss out on a friends wedding, or she will not have to spend time with people who made her life hell. It's no skin off your nose either way, the bride can be a bit upset but she has to accept that if she decides to invite the colleagues knowing that A will be unimpressed.

heyannie, I agree with you and, if I were B, I would let it go.

But, as you say, she is closer to A than I am and she feels she can't let it go and is trying to work out ways of sorting it, probably uninviting 5 other people so that A will come and therefore giving herself lots of stress and upset and awkwardness at work. She's angry but she still wants to sort it out hence asking me to have a go at it. She's probably just a better person than me because I'd just leave it.

And no, it's no skin off my nose really, I was just interested to hear some other opinions on whose side was 'right'. And I'm surprised. But it's making me think. In a good way.

I think A would be better off without so called friends like you and B to be honest OP.

really? I can understand you saying that about me but not about B - she is doing everything she can to accomodate A to the detriment of other guests and her own relationships at work. I think she's being brilliant about it, which is why I was so upset to see her so upset, if that makes sense.

what a bitch to invite people who bullied your bridesmaid out of a job to a wedding

how could that not be unreasonable?

Well you're right, you don't sound like a very good friend. But B doesn't really either.

If I were getting married I wouldn't invite the same people who bullied my maid of honor (and presumably therefore very close friend) out of a job. I say that from a perspective assuming I am very close to the maid of honor (hence why she has the position) and less close to the colleagues, as they are simply colleagues not friends.

I am also assuming the invitations were sent out after the bullying/job quitting. If the invitations went out before A quit then yes, it's probably unreasonable for her to demand B makes changes, but it's also unreasonable for B to expect A to suck it up.

Op, nobody ever saw my bully bully me at work, which made it all the more humiliating.as it happens, she left to a different department and lo and behold did the same to someone else, making people actually believe me.

I eel sorry for A, not having support of her friends.

*feel

A sounds well shot of all of you

I left a job because of a bully. I could go to wedding with her there now, but for a long time there was no way I would have been able to cope with it. You obviously have no idea how badly it can affect an individual.

I don't think a is being selfish or childish. She is doing what she needs to do to get through. I know that I would have had to do the same, for a long time after my experience.

It is entirely possible I am clouding my judgement, but it doesn't sound like you have listened to friend a, and instead have projected how you think she should feel.

X posted with stunt. What a horrible lot you are

Just to be clear - I could be in the same room with her, but I would not talk or have anything else to do with her. I can't see me ever having anything civil to say to her.

You don't sound very nice op. there must have been bullying for friend A to quit. You don't sound like much of a friend. The only way friend b will sort this out if she does not invite the bullies, or understands that friend b won't be able to attend because of the bullies going. No wonder the poor lady left you are no comming across as very nice

Actually, although I agree with the above posters if a was bullied, it does seem that their might be some doubt about that, and surely it is unfair to "give a dog a bad name and hang him", with no proof or evidence, if these women are also your friends. A little digging into the truth seems required. After all, if they are innocent it is surely unacceptable to uninvited them?

I think you have - hopefully inadvertently - actually compounded the bullying by calling A's actions (and by implication her) 'childish and selfish'.

If I were A I wouldn't go - I wouldn't put it in terms of 'me or them', but I would just apologise and say I was unable to attend.

FWIW I think both you and B are BU and also very insensitive.

OP just because you didn't see the bullying that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

You say that because you didnt see the bullying you have doubts it happened. Would you think the same about an abused wife for instance? It happens away from people so if the bullied/abused person told anyone no1 would believe them.

I think A is better off away from the lot of you. You sound quite bullying.

So she feels bullied, wants to avoid her bullies and you phone her up and bully her to make her change her mind. Nice one.

In a big wedding she need have nothing to do with them si I think she is being a bit unreasonable BUT if she can't face them, she can't. Out of interest has she got another job now & how is she getting on with it?

Bullying doesn't often take place in a crowded room to an audience. It can be much more subtle than that.

Everywhere I have worked, the bullying policy focuses on impact not intention, so by thefact that your friend had to leave she would be classed as being bullied. If the friends / bullies are so 'delightful' why would they not immediately seek out friend A to reassure her? I cannot imagine being at work and having someone leave because of my behaviour - anot not trying to resolve it before then.

You definitely need to apologise to friend A. And perhaps (meant nicely) educate yourself a bit more about bullying in the workplace. And then suggest your workplace does too.

Woah, hang on peeps. This isn't somebody refusing to believe that their good friend was bullied at work.

This is somebody who has a bunch of friends, who she likes equally, and one of

them has accused the others of bullying. They have, presumably, denied it. The bullied friend had other issues at the time and may (again, I'm assuming) have seen bullying where there was a simple personality clash.

I'd need to know what both sides had to say before I accused OP of being a bully herself.

Its not just because i didnt see it that im not sure i don't belive it though, its because the people that were accused have been my friends for 6 years and they're so lovely that its hard to imagine them behaving as she said they did. But A has also been my friend for 4 years so I'm very conflicted about who to believe. I am not allowed to dig around for the truth as someone suggested. It was investigated at the time but we aren't allowed to discuss it anymore

No, she has no new job, she says she's happier not working and she doesn't need to work. Which is another reason why it can be so frustrating that she wants us to blank the other colleagues. We all need our jobs and have to get along with each other and work closely together. When there's an atmosphere (as there will be if B has to uninvite the colleagues) work is a miserable place and we need to be there 60 plus hours a week.