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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be baffled why so many parents automatically give their DCs the fathers surname?

452 replies

mackereltin · 23/08/2012 15:42

It baffles me as women have come so far in the last century but the one thing that still seems to be very much the norm is giving the fathers surname to children. It doesn't seem to be questioned very much by society in general but for me it just seems to be one of the biggest symbols of patriachy. Or am I just going on? :)

I'm particularly thinking about married couples as I know lots of unmarried couples double barrell. I'm genuinely interested to hear peoples point of view on this - AIBU?

OP posts:
PureMorning · 23/08/2012 15:44

My sons got their dads because I don't like mine.
Really dont see why it matters thoughConfused

BlackberryIce · 23/08/2012 15:45

Well if the woman has taken her husbands name it kind of follows doesn't it?

Maybe the man has a nicer surname? Maybe it's traditional/cultural?

KellyElly · 23/08/2012 15:45

I think because it's always been the 'done thing'. Same way as women are now keeping their own names after or marriage or going double-barrelled it will start to not be so much the 'norm' any more.

WorraLiberty · 23/08/2012 15:46

It boils down to personal choice

If parents don't share the same name then they have to pick one or the other...especially if they think double barrels are a bit wanky.

I wonder what's going to happen in the future when so many couples with double barrel surnames come to name their kids.

Quadruple barrels perhaps? Confused

MrsKeithRichards · 23/08/2012 15:46

It's tradition innit?

Some like it, some don't, everyone is free to choose.

MadStaringEyes · 23/08/2012 15:46

My children got their dads surname because its nicer.

Itsjustafleshwound · 23/08/2012 15:47

What a generalisation ....!

However, a lot of my friends have included some acknowledgement of their names.

I don't particularly like my surnmae, but my child has a name that has a strong family connection.

MrsKeithRichards · 23/08/2012 15:49

Personally I think double barrel names are naff.

I'm sure I read somewhere it o.ly used to be done when a child was conceived under questionable (at the time) circumstances.

MyLastDuchess · 23/08/2012 15:49

The funny thing is that when the parents weren't married the kids didn't get the father's name, as a sort of "badge of shame". Now that it's not shameful to have kids without being married, it seems like the kids automatically get the father's surname.

Our kids have my surname, because I wanted to have the same surname as my children, and my OH wasn't that bothered. It was his idea, because he knew it was important to me. I was really shocked at how many people assumed I must have forced him into it (I didn't; we decided together, just like we decided on their first names together) or that his surname must be somehow "embarrassing" (it isn't; both our surnames are fairly boring).

We live in NL where there is no option to double-barrel - the kids have to have one surname or the other, and all kids of a couple have to have the same surname. So you choose for the first one, and after that all subsequent kids have the same surname.

FuckityFuckFuck · 23/08/2012 15:50

Aside from the fact that double barrel names can be 'wanky' IMO, if I had chosen that DS's surname would be 17 letters long, not exactly practical.

OH's surname is better than mine

MyLastDuchess · 23/08/2012 15:51

Oh, FWIW we are not married. Very normal in NL, less than half of babies are born to a married couple these days.

pictish · 23/08/2012 15:51

It's just a matter of choice really.

We weren't married when ds1 happened along and I opted for him to have my oh's surname. It went better with his first name.
It's nothing to do with me being oppressed in a patriarchal society I don't think!

Evasmum12 · 23/08/2012 15:51

I just did it without thinking about it.

It's normal in my family. I have my dads name even though he isn't married to my mum. My mum and sister both still use their ex husbands' surnames even though they divorced many years ago.

I have quite a long surname as does DDs dad so it would have been ridiculous to double barrell it.

Although I know a few people who have gone through the very difficult process of changing a child's surname after a split. Maybe I'm just too lazy to bother!

Some0ne · 23/08/2012 15:54

I discussed this with my DH before we had kids, because my dad was the last boy in his family and always wanted a boy to 'carry on the family name'. He only had daughters. So I sort of wanted our kids to have my surname, since DH's family have gazillions of kids. He said 'but my kids are my legacy!' and they got his name.

I don't know what I get as my legacy...

EldritchCleavage · 23/08/2012 15:54

I kept my name. DC have both (not double-barrelled) but are known by DH's name only. I'm relaxed about it.

LindyHemming · 23/08/2012 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TopCuppa · 23/08/2012 15:56

We double barrelled when we got married so our children have the same. I don't see it as 'wanky', more a compromise.

Also, with regards to what happens in the future with double barrelled names, I would like to think that my children will either keep their name or drop one and join with their partner's name, etc. Hardly rocket science.

It does baffle me why so many women drop their name on marriage, but each to their own.

reluctanttownie · 23/08/2012 15:57

I toyed with idea of going double barrelled on feminist principle, but DH really didn't like idea of changing his name, so me and any DCs would have been double barrelled and he would have been different. Everyone would have constantly got called different things based on people making assumptions about the whole family having the same name. Didn't seem worth it.

Also think double barrelled often sounds faintly pretentious. I certainly would have felt a bit akward with it.

I also come from an unhappy family background and was not particulatly attached to my old name. I enjoyed the chance to lose my old name and gain a new one - felt like a nice fresh start.

cantspel · 23/08/2012 15:57

why should they not have their fathers name?

Afterall the child is as much the child of the father as a child of the mother.

threesocksmorgan · 23/08/2012 15:57

when I married I took my husbands surname, so my kids have the same one.
can't see what is odd about that, it is just a name and we are a family so yabu

Nymia · 23/08/2012 15:59

I had a double-barrelled name and I hated it. Kids at school always used to tease me for being "posh", and I was quiet and shy already so it didn't help my confidence any.

I've happily dumped it for DH's surname now, it's an Irish one which is a bit more difficult for British people to get since we live in the UK now ("That's spelled O, Apostrophe, Aaaargh, ...") but far easier than mine.

It doesn't help that I have an unusual Irish first name too; I cringe whenever I have to give my name over the phone... My son is getting a nice little name that cannot be mispronounced or shortened!

Binkyridesagain · 23/08/2012 16:01

I took my husbands name because my original surname is well known by police in my town. Smile

MyLastDuchess · 23/08/2012 16:01

why should they not have their fathers name?

Afterall the child is as much the child of the father as a child of the mother.

I can't speak for the OP but I think she was saying that it's the fact that it seems to be unquestioned that gets her, not that children should never have their father's surname.

I have honestly been stunned by how many of my "friends" questioned our decision. As far as day care, doctor etc goes it has been no problem, my OH just calls and says, "Hello this is Fred Smith, Bill Jones's father". But then NL is probably a bit more progressive than the UK!

EndoplasmicReticulum · 23/08/2012 16:01

When I got married I took my husband's name. This was mostly because mine was really dull, his was really interesting. So children have his name.

MyLastDuchess · 23/08/2012 16:02

Oops HTML failure, should have read the instructions!