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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be baffled why so many parents automatically give their DCs the fathers surname?

452 replies

mackereltin · 23/08/2012 15:42

It baffles me as women have come so far in the last century but the one thing that still seems to be very much the norm is giving the fathers surname to children. It doesn't seem to be questioned very much by society in general but for me it just seems to be one of the biggest symbols of patriachy. Or am I just going on? :)

I'm particularly thinking about married couples as I know lots of unmarried couples double barrell. I'm genuinely interested to hear peoples point of view on this - AIBU?

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 23/08/2012 16:22

I wasnt married when DD was born she was my name in hospital for security ( i think) but I changed it to her dads name , I know children whos names change with the weather which is unfair on the children. I changed my own name when my mum remarried as I wanted to be the same as her,

FergusSingsTheBlues · 23/08/2012 16:22

BTW In Scotland, very common to give the children mothers maiden name as a middle name and that was what we did too. Nice compromise.

squoosh · 23/08/2012 16:23

I really like that tradition FergusSingsTheBlues

FarloRigel · 23/08/2012 16:25

Grin at linerunner

I got teased all through school for my surname. DH had a nice one. Had it been the other way about I would have kept mine and given that to DD.

Margerykemp · 23/08/2012 16:25

I'm with you, op. have stated the same on many a thread and pretty much universally get flamed.

Mrsjay · 23/08/2012 16:25

fergus i thought that has died out years ago in scotland , nice to see some still do it I didnt I gave grandmothers names to my children , but some of my uncles have my nanas maiden name and boy cousins not so much the girls though,

GragPop · 23/08/2012 16:25

DH has a much cooler name, he wasnt fussed either way but it did make mil happy that our son would carry on the family name.

I dont think it matters much either way, its a personal choice.

MrsBethel · 23/08/2012 16:26

It's just custom, innit? Do what you want, I say.

Anyone on here with a husband who took their name? Perfectly fine thing to do too, but it ain't half uncommon.

ladydepp · 23/08/2012 16:26

I changed my name, and my 3 dc's have DHs surname too.

But I feel the same as Fergus and it doesnt always sit well with me. One of those traditions that feels a bit out of touch.

FWIW I decided to change my name as my father didn't have a massive input into my life and so I went from one man's name to a better man's. And I wanted to have the same name as my dc's.

In Canada it is not as automatic, a lot more double barrelling.

and I will certainly encourage dd not to change hers.......

maswera · 23/08/2012 16:27

BBB Some couples discuss the options and decide on one surname or the other.

But undoubtedly, some couples do it automatically, without considering that kids might take the woman's name against tradition.

The OP is asking people why

nickelcognito · 23/08/2012 16:27

I just think it makes a mockery of a woman keeping her own name upon marriage if the child will automatically get the man's name anyway.

one point made is "but the child will have a different surname!"
well, I didn't get married, so the child would have a different surname to me.
we did the new surname thing, so we've both got that problem.
we all have our own surnames, same as we all have our own first names, and DH has the different surname thing as much as I do.
equality, you see.

however, woe betide anyone who addresses DD's 1st birthday cards to Eleanor Payne. Hmm

Yummymummyyobe1 · 23/08/2012 16:27

We double-barreled our DS name as we are currently unmarried and we thought that the long run it would be easier to explain why he has both over either mummy/daddy's alone. When DP and I do marry we will both double-barrel or names to preserve my family name (my father is the last male to be born in his family).

LeftTheBlimminWashingOutAgain · 23/08/2012 16:27

just googled the icelandic system. never knew that.

SecretSquirrels · 23/08/2012 16:28

I agree double barrel is naff and it did cross my mind to give my surname to girls and DH to boys (I think the Scandinavians do something like that).
I'm married but kept maiden name. DSs have DH surname.
I now wish I'd done it differently. They are teenagers now and while they appreciate my reasons for keeping maiden name they resent the fact that everyone, teachers in particular, assumes they are from a broken home because of the surname discrepancy.

BigBoobiedBertha · 23/08/2012 16:28

I've been married 19 years and I still think of my MIL when I hear anybody call out Mrs BBB.

On the other hand my old maiden name seems a bit alien to me now too. I have trouble remembering I was ever called that.

BionicEmu · 23/08/2012 16:29

I took my husband's surname when we married because I just wanted to. Then when DS came along 6 years later we gave him our surname too. I don't see what's to question about that TBH.

squoosh · 23/08/2012 16:29

I completely agree that it's a personal choice and I certainly don't think there should be laws banning double barrel names for example as they do in Scandinavian countries. But without wanting to be patronising I don't think most people give much thought to how much precedence is given to a the man's surname.

Annunziata · 23/08/2012 16:30

I wanted to take DH's name. I even called DS1 his first name too. It doesn't mean that DH 'owns' me.

ANTagony · 23/08/2012 16:30

DH took my name when we married so the DC all have my family name too.

I did take my XH's name but loosing your name as well as house etc when your H decides he doesn't want to be married/ a parent anymore is too much. It's rather more synical than progressive that we all now have my maiden name.

LST · 23/08/2012 16:30

DS has DP's name because when I marry him (eventually) I would want us all to have his name.

The pets have all got mine though :)

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/08/2012 16:30

I agree OP. Given that children are far more likely to stay living with their mother until they are 18 than with their father, I think it would be a much more sensible convention to assume that kids take their mother's name.

Agree with earlier poster too - I've NEVER heard a couple say "Well we were going to give him Dave's name but we didn't really like the name Piddlebottom/Dave never got on with his dad/Dave loves me so much he wanted me to pass on my name." Women saying these things seems to be elaboration after the whole name thing has been decided based on what the bloke (or his family) wants or expects.

nkf · 23/08/2012 16:31

I don't like double barrelled names. It mattered a lot to him but not much to me. My surname is actually just my mother's married name and it's a really silly name. The children's surname is stylish. Totally shallow really but I agree with the main point that it is one of those old traditions that is slow to die. It's an English tradition though. I think other countries and cultures have very different naming patersn.

tara0202 · 23/08/2012 16:31

Yep, I am Scottish too and DS has my maiden name as his middle name. All my friends from my home town have done the same so the tradition is alive and well in some places at least.

cheesesarnie · 23/08/2012 16:31

I wish I'd kept my name.
I wanted us all to have the same name and I was mrs cheesesarnie so theyre mini sarnies

Mrsjay · 23/08/2012 16:31

I think Muslims take their fathers first name dont they ?

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