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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why the fuck I agreed to visit DH's parents again!

259 replies

HeyNa · 07/08/2012 13:56

We are in Eastern Europe. It is 40C in the day and 35C at night. No wind, no air con. We have 4 Dcs and DH reverts to the ignorant sexist pig that most of his countrymen are aslmost as soon as we arrive in the country!

It is too hot to sit around the in-laws house (they expect me to constantly clean and make chai anyway), we have a 2 year old and we need to go somewhere where there is air con as we had planned, but he has buggered off with his cousins without a word to me. No idea when he will be back. All he does while here is sit on his arse drinking chai and jibber jabbing away with his numerous relatives, leaving all the cleaning, cooking and washing to me. The electricity goes off constantly so it can take all day to do one load of washing.

I can drive but I am terrified of driving here as they drive like maniacs and on the wrong side of the road to boot! The older Dcs have not had lunch as there is nothing in. I feel absolutely trapped and powerless. I do not speak fluently in his language so can't join in with conversations and I can't get a word in edgeways. He has been ignoring me.

I would like to smash DH's teeth in actually. This is not a holiday for me or the DCs. This is our 3rd time here and he promised this would not happen again. At home, he helps a lot and I wear the trousers if you will. I will never come here again. I am even thinking divorce would be a better option. AIBU?

OP posts:
oooohhhhyes · 16/08/2012 01:37

Hey OP are you still out there? How are things?

futureunknown · 19/08/2012 10:26

OP are you home yet? I am another one wondering how the rest of the "holiday" went.

Nice post from BadLad by the way.

emark · 19/08/2012 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

bochead · 19/08/2012 11:03

This isn't cultural - it's dysfunctional! You can't reason with the unreasonable.

To knowingly leave the wife and children unfed on a visit is just wrong in ANY culture, and yet the OP has now mentioned 2 incidences of missing meals. Same with the toddler/dog situation.

I don't think this is a kosovan thing, I think this is a DH's family thing. If they don't like or want the wife there then it's simple - for all future visits Granny can have her son to herself and wifey and unfed grandkids can stay home in the UK. The cousins and SIL are going out of their way to be nasty to the OP & her children - the husband knows this and hasn't read his family the riot act?

Sexism is one thing, being spiteful to your guests is another. I suspect there is a lot of envy,(& therefore resentment of you) from family members still struggling in a post-war environment of your percieved life of luxury in the UK.

My kids going unfed would have me on a flight home with them - sod my hubbies ego!

helenthemadex · 19/08/2012 13:03

what a complete nightmare, cultural differences are no excuse what so ever to behave in this way

I hope you are ok OP and the ordeal is nearly over

giveitago · 19/08/2012 18:40

I think you bring up their differences as you are so fed up at the way you're being treated.

Poverty and cultural difference are all a part of life in this world and chipping in with housework is fairly normal where you are considered family.

However, your dh expects you facilitate his holiday. It's not a holiday for you or the kids. If his family can't cope with your family then you should be in a hotel. But I can see that culturally he'd find this unacceptable. OK, fine, but his wife is having to more than chip in but rather bear the burden of entertaining other people for them. Your husband should be entertaining his kids while way. He's not doing that at all. It's all about him.

It's outrageous that there was no food for you.

Learn from this and next time don't go but the only reservation I have is that if is is so chaotic and not child frienly (ie the dog and the big hole) I would worry myself stupid the entire time they are away from me.

My dh is very similar and we go to a place which is not as bad as yours but not that far from it in terms of facilities. Also very sexist and my dh does the very same thing as your dh. After many years of dreading going there almost exclusively year after year I've just told him and his family that in future dh takes ds and for the 'holiday' and I'll roll up the last few days and fly back with ds and dh. They very upset on the one hand and acting like big victims when actually very pleased to have me out of the way. Well, that's fine - as long as I manage to save some my annual leave . Just feel very sorry for ds.

thereistheball · 19/08/2012 19:13

About the washing that was put on the balcony: did you find out why they did that? I'd assume because the power was needed for something else that they considered to be more important. Maybe you would too, if you knew? It doesn't sound as if they are making great efforts to reach any kind of understanding with you, but your time there would be much easier if that understanding existed, so is there anything you can do to foster it?

Original poster
HeyNa · 19/08/2012 21:23

I am still here. I decided to see it as an endurance test to how see much I can put up with as it will NEVER be repeated. The food thing has not happened again and I have driven to the supermarket myself.

We had a few days away at the seaside (after a massive row as I refused point blank to go to the same place his brother went to which was a days drive away. I won as DS was ill and they left without us Hmm). So instead we went on a 7 hour drive somewhere else. A place with no kettles or washing machines in the apartments and no laundrettes. Fun handwashing and wringing out washing for a family of 6 with towels not!

Today was Eid (or Byram) and I played dutiful waitress to the 30 or so guests who visited over the course of the day. They just turn up and myself and SIL have to drop everything and make drinks and coffee and cake while the men (and MIL) just sit there. I was told by SIL that I should serve her DH first as he is the eldest brother and the guests in order of who is the eldest male. The women get served last without exception. The men do not even look up or nod when you place stuff in front of them. It makes my blood boil. SIL earns more and has a more responsible job in the UK than BIL and I know he cooks over there. I cannot get my head round how she switches into subservient housemaid when they come over here and in front of guests in the UK. BIL does has not lifted a finger, not even to take his plate in the kitchen, the whole time we have been here. My DH has done what I have told him to do when I fixed him with an evil glare.

Nightmare will be over in 2 days and counting. Then payback!

OP posts:
TooManyDaisies · 19/08/2012 21:30

Op, you're nearly there! My goodness. You deserve a medal!

muffinino82 · 19/08/2012 21:40

Why are you serving them?! I don't get why you and SIL haven't said 'fuck this for a barrel of monkies, if you want a maid, pay for one'. Are you scared they will hurt you or your children if you refuse? There's no way I'd serve them nicely when they haven't got the decency to acknowledge me!

pigletmania · 19/08/2012 22:00

That is all about culture and the susurviance to women from the men. The lack of manners is probably the norm and what is expected in the Islamic culture. The burkas is men's constraint on the women, I believe that in the Koran it does not say that a woman has to ware one only dress modestly. Good luck op you are nearly on the home straight. Never I say never go back again, and definitely read your h the riot act when you get home

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/08/2012 22:02

HeyNa

Well done for hanging in there. By my calculation your DH owes you a Spa Weekend and about 60 meals.

fryingpantoface · 19/08/2012 22:06

Best of luck OP

MelanieSminge · 19/08/2012 22:08

I thought chai is Indian too??
chai is international, char, tsai, chai....
Are you in Russia or an ex Russian state...you poor, poor woman.
Sounds a bit like Poland where the men are entitled twats who sit around in their pants being waited on while the women bitch about who is the cleanest/best cook.
take your DCs and run.

MelanieSminge · 19/08/2012 22:11

oooh Albania....????
omg
take Dcs and go for holiday to Greece.

muffinino82 · 19/08/2012 22:11

Aye piglet, that may be so, but unless OP fears for her safety or that of her children, why is she allowing them to treat her like shit on their shoes? Same goes for SIL, I don't get why they're going along with it.

pigletmania · 19/08/2012 22:13

I am not sure Mabey she does not want to rock the boat

muffinino82 · 19/08/2012 22:16

I am not sure Mabey she does not want to rock the boat

Rock the boat? I'd blow the fucker out of the water! Shock

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/08/2012 22:19

muffin maybe because she will achieve nothing but to sour an already difficult atmosphere. She is not going to change the cultural expections by staging a protest.

One of the key things that I have seen make a difference in my DH's country is education, once the girls stay on at school and go to university they are less ready to accept that men are the arbiters of everything.

pigletmania · 19/08/2012 22:26

That's right caz it will make it harder on the op, so it's easier to run along with it

Original poster
HeyNa · 19/08/2012 22:51

I have made it very clear to DH that because of him being a wanker, the younger Dcs and I will never be setting foot in this country again (me never, Dcs when much older) and it is completely his fault and he will be reminded of it at every opportunity. He will be doing all the cleaning and washing for the foreseeable future don't worry about that. I will not forget this believe me. He will have to get his parents visas to come to the UK if they want to see the DCs.

I have truly never appreciated England this much before. The hospital we took DS to get checked over at was like something from the twilight zone Sad. There are beggar children and mothers with babies (gypsies) everywhere, I have been handing out euros like sweets.

I am just about to do an online shop for when we get back. I cannot wait for Marmite on crumpets! Vegetarians are not really catered for out here [understatement].

OP posts:
icepole · 19/08/2012 22:58

My dh is from a similar place and I am never going back there again. Hope you are ok OP

JammySplodger · 19/08/2012 23:01

Crikey, I'm amazed you've lasted 2 weeks! Have a good drive back, and I hope he accepts he's going to need to do alot of making it for this!

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 19/08/2012 23:16

HeyNa, I'm really amazed at your restraint! Good on you for letting your husband know this will never happen again. Ever. When he tries to cajole you in a few years about how it will be 'oh so different this time,' don't forget this!!!

muffinino82 · 19/08/2012 23:32

muffin maybe because she will achieve nothing but to sour an already difficult atmosphere. She is not going to change the cultural expections by staging a protest.

Well no but that doesn't mean she has to wait on them hand and foot just to be treated like shit for doing it. Fuck cultural expectations, sour them to Hell and be damned. I do understand it's easier said than done but the Gods alone would be able to help my OH if he treated me like this.

One of the key things that I have seen make a difference in my DH's country is education, once the girls stay on at school and go to university they are less ready to accept that men are the arbiters of everything.

Good, I'm very pleased to hear this. It's fab they have the opportunity to realise that they don't have to put up with being treated like shit and hopefully pass this down to their daughters, if they have them.

I'm glad to hear you won't put up with this again OP. I have complete admiration for you for refusing to go back there or letting your children be treated in the same way. Looking forward to getting home, no doubt Wink