To wonder why the fuck I agreed to visit DH's parents again!

[HeyNa]

We are in Eastern Europe. It is 40C in the day and 35C at night. No wind, no air con. We have 4 Dcs and DH reverts to the ignorant sexist pig that most of his countrymen are aslmost as soon as we arrive in the country!

It is too hot to sit around the in-laws house (they expect me to constantly clean and make chai anyway), we have a 2 year old and we need to go somewhere where there is air con as we had planned, but he has buggered off with his cousins without a word to me. No idea when he will be back. All he does while here is sit on his arse drinking chai and jibber jabbing away with his numerous relatives, leaving all the cleaning, cooking and washing to me. The electricity goes off constantly so it can take all day to do one load of washing.

I can drive but I am terrified of driving here as they drive like maniacs and on the wrong side of the road to boot! The older Dcs have not had lunch as there is nothing in. I feel absolutely trapped and powerless. I do not speak fluently in his language so can't join in with conversations and I can't get a word in edgeways. He has been ignoring me.

I would like to smash DH's teeth in actually. This is not a holiday for me or the DCs. This is our 3rd time here and he promised this would not happen again. At home, he helps a lot and I wear the trousers if you will. I will never come here again. I am even thinking divorce would be a better option. AIBU?

'Kosovo is hardly a tourist destination. There's nowhere really to go.'

Depends what you mean, there might not be any theme parks but there is beautiful scenery, swimming opportunities and lovely peaceful old villages. And some amazing old monasteries. Am not trying to make out that it's the number one holiday destination for most people just saying there is plenty to see beyond the obvious.

I don't know where the OP lives in the UK but if OP if you are interested in language lessons in London, PM me and I could help. Anyway, I am probably just jumping the gun now, perhaps just get this visit over first!

The OP has made an effort to learn the language, she just doesn't speak it very well.

I wouldn't be advising her to leave him either but I definitely think she should go home.

If its any help, it costs from £192 per over 12 to fly on Turkish airlines on Saturday from Pristina to London.

Or, could you and the kids bugger off to Thessaloniki for a more normal holiday? It's 2-3 hours on the bus from Pristina to Skopje, and about 3-4 hours on the bus from there to Thessaloniki. The buses seem relatively cheap and you could go there for a few days, come back and then drive the rest of the way with your DH.

yes i would porc, because that is not on, to treat the wife with total disrespect, and children to. threatening to take the children there without the op, and not supporting his wife, and taking his families side.. sorry that would be a dealbreaker for me in a marriage.

well thats fair enough, but thats what YOU would do.

but can you see that your wording was quite strongly written, and I always think its worrying to write such strongly worded advice when we really know so very little

Its not the same as "tell your neighbour to fxxk off, tell your MIL its my house, my rules"

This is a family, a marriage, and children

easy to say "tbh i would leave him "

But you know what, 1% of the situation, if that?

Well not much has changed. I stayed in our room to get the toddler down to sleep last night and they did not save me any dinner. Even DH was narked about that. His mother keeps on thrusting things at me for me to do something with and telling me to clean,serve, hang washing etc. I really don't appreciate being told what to bloody well do. They have often joked about how I am crazy about cleanliness and I do not need to be told how to do it or when. I am on holiday ffs with 7 DCs running around all day, the house cannot be clean 24/7. They have lots of guests as well and you are supposed to drop everything and serve them without a please or thank you or even a nod in your direction.

There is a concrete balcony with steps to get down into the garden and a big hole where they have been building. They do not understand that I feel I must follow the toddler around as I am worried he will hurt himself. They also have a large dog running around which they have said snapped at a relatives toddler. They will not watch him so I have to 'ask' DH to watch him.

I am boiling with rage. His mother and sister were muttering something about me using the washing machine earlier and they took the clothes out and chucked them on the balcony! They seem to be constantly watchin what I am doing.

It would be fucking hilarious if I was'nt living it. I will not go. DH knows how I feel. I will think of it as an experience never to be repeated ever, ever, ever.

Thanks for all your posts. It has helped.

"Even DH was narked about that. "

But did nothing about it?

Heyna, I hate to disappoint you but there is nothing even slightly funny about your situation. :(

I think I would need counselling when I got home after living like this. Beyond awful. :(

It's not funny, why are you not doing anything about it? He's not going to make the slightest bit of effort, so you are going to have too.

I would tell him you need to leave today tell him he can pretend you've had a call from family and there's an emergancy so have to get home. It's not like they seem to care enough to find out. Then leave. Give him this face saving option or you will pack up the DCs and book a flight home. Or take the car and leave him stranded. Or have a screaming row in front of his family, and then give his mother a piece of your mind.

Basically, back him into a corner. Take away the option of your being polite and putting up with it, he can 'manage' your escape or he can accept being humilated in front of everyone.

How can you have any respect for him? He lets you be treated like shit and he lets his DCs be put in danger in order for him to look a tiny bit better in front of his family. If he loves you and loves his DCs, he would also see this is not acceptable.

HeyNa, your situation is incredibly tough right now.

Try and focus on what you CAN do right now. You can focus on the DC (which cuts own available time for speaking to MIL etc...), organise games, read, draw, go for a walk? Etc...

You CAN try and talk your husband into taking you and DC out for day trips to see more of his country.

You CAN try and disengage your feelings so you care less about the bitching from the other women.

You CAN make plans in your own mind about how you can ensure this doesn't happen again and you can plan out the conversations you want to have with DH when you get back home.

You CAN also develop a very 'tired' feeling and go to bed as soon as the children are settled in the evening (to escape).

Tbh if it was me I would be mounting an actual escape to the airport and leaving DH for dust, but I can see from your Posts that you don't seem able to do that.

OP, please just leave. With the kids.

Your kids, not the others'.

Sounds like a pretty tough situation to be in. There are some cultural norms which are tough or impossible to accept. The impoliteness that you mention is similar to my own experiences of being married to a woman from eastern europe. I think you must try to accept that - you can't expect people to change to suit you when you are in their environment. Complaining that things are hard when you've been there a matter of days? You won't get a great deal of sympathy from people who've lived in those conditions for a long time.

I agree that your husband is different though. When you marry into another culture my feeling is that you have to follow the path of least pain when differences occur. I think you would be right to let him take the kids next time but refuse to go yourself. And remind him that the responsibility lies with him for your decision.

OP, why don't you leave? I've stayed off this thread so far but am quite worried by your latest post. How will you feel if you don't go and the dog bites your toddler? You can't stay in a dangerous house with a dog that can't be trusted for two more weeks.

And if my DH ever behaved like that it would be the end of the marriage. I wouldn't be able to get past it - we'd never be able to have an argument again without my bringing up the times we went to stay with his family and he treated me like dirt.

I am honestly at this thread

I can't believe your husband is treating you so badly, does it honestly not affect how you feel about him? I know you say he's lovely at home but does that really make what's happening ok? I just can't imagine being ok with being treated like this by them all

But obviously we're all different so I hope things go as well as they can op and you get to come home soon.

I cant see why you're putting up with it. Seriously I can't.

You won't leave as it will make your DH look bad, so you stay and put up with more of the same for 2 weeks. Fuck that, I wouldn't care how he looked to everyone else. He obviously doesn't give a shit about you.

Man up, pack the car and go. Or stop moaning and get on with it.

You know are not being unreasonable, so do something about it.

"Even DH was narked about that". Er, clearly not narked enough to DO anything. To say, actually, HeyNa will want some of that in a mo, let me put some on a plate for her/keep some please.

There are no excuses. What are your children getting out of this, other than learning that their mother is a doormat and that women are a subservient species? really, why are you still there?

HeyNa- From the sound of it you're not going to get a thank you or a break during this holiday. There's no sense in being a 'martyr' for your DH at the expense of yourself and your DC's.

OP - The fact that you uphold (by cooperating) the idea that your man must be protected from people judging him if his wife acted on her anger, means you have become part of the culture and are condoning it to your children.

Yes his family have to live with the difficult domestic arrangements so it would be rude to complain about the electricity etc. But this is an unfamiliar situation for you, and one where his relatives are being hostile rude to you to cap it off, so some assistance dealing with it is not unreasonable to expect from your husband who is able to see your position.

The opinion of him in the eyes of his friends and family is coming ahead of your basic sanity - how is that OK? He isn't even thanking you for it.

I don't think I could do what you are doing.

heyna - not sure where about you are staying in Albania, the type of man you have married and the kind of family he has, however let me tell you one thing, I am Albanian, living in London for 13 years, married to an Albanian man, visit his family and my family in Albania every summer, actually drive there every summer, and I have never and will never ever experience anything like this! I am sorry you are having to go through this, but i honestly cannot think of the kind of people you're dealing with here and that makes me sad.

I do hope you have managed to sort something out for you and your children. Let me tell you one thing, Albanian men (i know them well) are like children, if they know they will get away with things, they will do them. Teach him a lesson. I mean a real one, don't give in. They are too committed to just walk away. Do anything it takes to show him that you are serious about this and want things changed.

On another note for everyone else writing on this post, please don't judge people, countries, cultures etc with no or very limited knowledge or experience. Albania is a beautiful country, with a lot to offer to its countrymen and tourists. Albanians are amazing people with great values and a rich history and culture.

ST82 I think the OP said it was Kosovo. :) Good post btw.

My DH comes from a culture where the women do the housework and the men go out to work. I am not expected to work when I get there but I tend to pitch in. So I do understand that his family appear not to be treating you well on the otherhand they are treating you exactly the same as the other DIL's I suspect. You need to tread a fine line between condoning outright sexist behaviour from your DH and appearing to think yourself superior to their way of life.

When I first went to visit DH's family there was no running water at all and regular power cuts. They live with this day in and day out so I didn't think me complaining about something they couldn't change was going to do anything other than embarress them. I just treated it as a quasi camping holiday. (Washing machine - bloody luxury!)

I get the impression that you don't have a great deal of respect for your DH's family and that they probably don't like you either. Why is their family gossip jibber jabbering? would you describe an evening chatting with your family about trivial things as jibber jabbering or would it be a good family fun?

Yes, read the riot act to your DH if he is behaving badly but if you are criticising his Mum and Sisters to him, it's putting him in an awful position.

Thanks for pointing it out JennerOSity - Kosovan Albanians are Albanians and Kosovo is very, very similiar to Albania, they used to be one big country afterall, so my post is still valid :)

Best of luck heyna!

Yeah ChazsBrilliantAttitude, it's her husband who's in the awful position!