To wonder why the fuck I agreed to visit DH's parents again!

[HeyNa]

We are in Eastern Europe. It is 40C in the day and 35C at night. No wind, no air con. We have 4 Dcs and DH reverts to the ignorant sexist pig that most of his countrymen are aslmost as soon as we arrive in the country!

It is too hot to sit around the in-laws house (they expect me to constantly clean and make chai anyway), we have a 2 year old and we need to go somewhere where there is air con as we had planned, but he has buggered off with his cousins without a word to me. No idea when he will be back. All he does while here is sit on his arse drinking chai and jibber jabbing away with his numerous relatives, leaving all the cleaning, cooking and washing to me. The electricity goes off constantly so it can take all day to do one load of washing.

I can drive but I am terrified of driving here as they drive like maniacs and on the wrong side of the road to boot! The older Dcs have not had lunch as there is nothing in. I feel absolutely trapped and powerless. I do not speak fluently in his language so can't join in with conversations and I can't get a word in edgeways. He has been ignoring me.

I would like to smash DH's teeth in actually. This is not a holiday for me or the DCs. This is our 3rd time here and he promised this would not happen again. At home, he helps a lot and I wear the trousers if you will. I will never come here again. I am even thinking divorce would be a better option. AIBU?

[grobagsforever]

'Cultural norm' is NOT an excuse for bad behaviour - I refer you to the practice of circumcision. There has to be a line and OP's DH has crossed it. Allowances should be made but this man has gone too far. OP should respect the country she is in but it is unreasonable to expect her to totally adapt. OP stop cleaning at least. And never go back there. He can go alone.

[DontmindifIdo]

You can just leave. Or more, you can give him a choice, you all leave (he can make up an emergancy at home if he wants to save face with his family) or you will leave on your own, embarrassing him in front of his family. Again, if he wants to save face, he can make up an emergancy that takes you home (someone sick in your family?), you don't care, but you want to leave in the next 24 hours.

He can't just treat you like shit and expect it to have no consequences because it's happening in his old home, it will effect how you view him. Can you trust him? He lied about how this holiday would be. He hasn't bothered to try to look after you, can you trust that when push comes to shove back in England he won't revert to type?

You say he said it's your fault you can't cope - but then you said before hand it would be difficult and he promised it would be different, it's not, he has lied and is blaming you that it's exactly like you said it would be. Not on.

Why do you care what people in this village think? You live in the UK, you won't be returning again, he will only be returning for short visits on his own, it doesn't matter what these people think.

[oooohhhhyes]

I have similar situation, though not as bad. After 20 years I finally said to NSDH, "if you wanted to marry a housewife from 1960s **land, why didn't you? I'm English and you chose me and my country, so stop expecting me to be your mother. My background is different and you have to respect that." I suddenly realised I didn't give a shit about him anymore as I said this, it was like a switch inside. That's what idiocy drives a decent wife and partner to - his loss, your gain.

In answer to novak, you are not hiding in your bedroom like a teenager, you are venting and trying to hang on to your sanity in a horrible situation. So fucking what if you don't know the language, you don't live there and he should be taking care of you in return for you leaving the comfort of your home to unbearable conditions to let your ILs see their DGC.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I can't do that to him [just leave] . It would be over the village like wildfire. He is the 2nd son and his older brother is a knob. I can't embarass him in front of him."
Sounds to me like a wonderful lever to apply to your husband, e.g. "Get your act together or I will enjoy embarrassing you in front of your whole family and you will never be able to face coming back here."

[LittleBugsMum]

I get it, it's hellish at the moment but you're not going to go home so just keep giving him the finger behind his back, gritting your teeth and calling him a dickhead on here and your 2 weeks will soon be over and you can get back home. Where he will be very apologetic and understanding, we all know that! Good luck with it all.

BTW - did you get an ice cream? just wondering...

[whois]

You would probably have an easier time if you 'manned up' and dealt with driving so at least you could take the DCs somewhere, and get yourself some food.

But the whole thing sounds crap. If you can afford it, take the kids and go hire a car and check into an apartment with air con!

[GeekLove]

If my husband spoke to me like that I would take his word and have the kids and the car out like a bat out of hell. He obviously cares about his image more than about you or the DCs.

[pigletmania]

Op that s awful. Why the hell are you with a man like that. Can you not book a flight home, is there any Internet access

[pigletmania]

Op it's not Armenia is it, my family are from aemenia

[pigletmania]

Sorry oranges that is no excuse to treAt the op like rubbish, and with utter rudeness and contempt. Why cant you leave or book yourself into a hotel

[pigletmania]

Ism sorry but jibber jabber is not offensive, I lie it when ripple take offence about nothing. The op is gangry, she s being treated very badly by her husbands family, they are rude, they do not like her and they make it known, worse of all she is being treated very badly by her husband. So pease don't be petty, the op needs support

[LurkingAndLearningLovesCats]

^^Totally agree Piglet. OP even said herself it wasn't in reference to their language.

Agree with poster who said tell him to get his act together or you will embarrass him by taking off.

He told you to fuck off and he'd just take the kids anyway??!

:( You poor thing. Ignore the posters who are trying to blame you for not just sucking up his cruelty.

[pigletmania]

thanks lurking. I think that he is showing is true colours, he is in his home country, where he feels more empowered maybey, and so is actng like a total arse wipe. Op I would be filing divorce papers when you get home and either chucking him out, or finding somewhere else to live. He has treated you with utter disrespect and disreggard, telling you to fuck off , and allowing his family to treat you in that way. stuff him, you have to do your best for your dcs and yourself. Yes my family are from Armenia, but are lovely and my sil is married to an Albanian and he is great so dont tar all Eastern Europeans with the same brush.

I know an Armenian who was born in Armenia, and brought up there, and she is used to the wmen doing all the housework and looking after the men, and the men bringing home the bread so so speak. I asked my mum whether that was the norm, and she said no not really, mabey in the poorer parts of Armenia. anywayit is noway for your h to treat you, tbh i would leave him

[ohnevermind]

We have just had my family visit from overseas. Where they live it is common to have low paid workers who do all the housework, cooking and childcare. To begin with my SIL never did any washing or ironing while here as she claimed she didn't know how to do it. She changes the children's clothes at least twice a day and creates huge amounts of washing and ironing. They are used to eating three quite elaborate meals a day and expect the same when here. They go out and leave the kids just expecting that we will look after them. As they live overseas they are not really up with all the work that has to be done looking after elderly family members etc and do nothing to contribute.

They complain about how it is not really a holiday when they come to us as they have work more than they do at home. I know this is different but have you considered what a strain having all of you to stay could be for your DH's family? I'm sure they would prefer not having power outages, flies, heat etc. Then on top of that having a family to stay for a long period must be hard work. Can't you go away for a few days and stay in a hotel? There must be nice places you could go to.

It sounds like your DH could be a lot more sympathetic.

[pigletmania]

nevermind, there is no excuse for the h behaviour, a little more sympathetic , he has been horrid to the op. So because of the situation they live in, they have every right to be rude and horrid to their guests . I have seen not first hand, and heard from my African friend from Uganda, how they are poor, but treat their guests with utter respect and give them all they have, even if its very little

[pigletmania]

and this can been seen in other less developed countries as well

[ohnevermind]

I think there's a difference between a guest and close family who regularly come and stay for extended periods of time.

[pigletmania]

she does not go regularly, 3 times in years of marriage. there is no exucse for h behaviour, and he should be with you and on your side. ohnevermind, if you think that its ok for h to tell his wife to fuck off, and to treat her with disrespect. how is h famly going to be good to her, if her h is not

[Thumbwitch]

Good grief - you "can't do that to him, you can't embarrass him" but he's quite willing to subject you to 2 more weeks of hell? Fuck that.

I'd be out of there, sorry.

[ohnevermind]

Did I say it was OK for her husband to tell her to fuck off? All I was trying to do was to try help op to see it from her DH's family's point of view. The op married a man from a different culture and must have known that would be a possibly difficulty in their marriage. I can't imagine the divorce rate if everyone walked away when their DH/DW told them to fuck off (but that doesn't mean it was the right thing to do!).

[LurkingAndLearningLovesCats]

You're sympathising with her and her children being treated like garbage so he can feel good in front of his family. They were left with no food.

Frankly, does it matter if his family thinks she's a big bitch? The point is he promised not to get all 'status quo' on her when they visited, and he ha not only left her and their children without food, he's allowing his family to treat her like a slave, telling her to fuck off and essentially put up and shut up. She has every right in the world to feel betrayed and trapped.

She married a man from a different culture living in the UK and not living his home culture. Is it so shocking she doesn't expect to have to live a culture she didn't agree to when she visits her in-laws?

I don't care if they were visiting Mars, he has no right to treat his entire family like that. Not just her, the kids too. They're miserable as well.

Oh, and the fuck off thing is more about context. There's a big difference between being told to fuck off in a heated argument and being told to fuck off and I'll take the kids anyway...Which a not-so-thinly veiled threat for her to put up and shut up.

So please, just stop.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I love the way all of you are airily saying "oh learn the language." Do you not realise a) what a difficult language it is to learn and b) how difficult it is to find a teacher in UK? To give some context, I used to have a financial adviser (perhaps you are her - this was years ago - does your name begin with R?) who was married to an Albanian. She said that she had been unable to find a language teacher in London - she asked me if I knew anyone (I speak a few odd languages myself). I couldn't find anyone either.

And for those of you who say "go somewhere for the day" - err, where? Kosovo is hardly a tourist destination. There's nowhere really to go.

[TheVermiciousKnid]

Of course it's nice if visitors, especially close family who stay for a few weeks, help out around the house. But why only her? Why not her husband? I know, it's the culture, he would lose face etc etc. But ... their core relationship is, in my opinion, something that should not be affected by where, or with whom, they live. There should still be mutual respect and support, no matter where you are. I would feel utterly betrayed if my husband treated me like that, no matter what the circumstances.

[porcamiseria]

"Op I would be filing divorce papers when you get home and either chucking him out, or finding somewhere else to live."

How helpful!!!! do people actually think before they write the "leave the bsatard" posts like this?


She has said her DH is lovely in the UK, just reverts to some weird national type when there. I dont think in the West re have any countenance of the disfunctonal cutlural norms that occur in some places

we just come out with knee jerk reactions



I dont think she she should put up with it, but posts like that make people feel worse, and are not supportive. In fact some posts almost denigrate OP for being such a TWAT as to still be there

[ohnevermind]

Thank you porcamiseria that's exactly what I was trying to say.