To wonder why the fuck I agreed to visit DH's parents again!

[HeyNa]

We are in Eastern Europe. It is 40C in the day and 35C at night. No wind, no air con. We have 4 Dcs and DH reverts to the ignorant sexist pig that most of his countrymen are aslmost as soon as we arrive in the country!

It is too hot to sit around the in-laws house (they expect me to constantly clean and make chai anyway), we have a 2 year old and we need to go somewhere where there is air con as we had planned, but he has buggered off with his cousins without a word to me. No idea when he will be back. All he does while here is sit on his arse drinking chai and jibber jabbing away with his numerous relatives, leaving all the cleaning, cooking and washing to me. The electricity goes off constantly so it can take all day to do one load of washing.

I can drive but I am terrified of driving here as they drive like maniacs and on the wrong side of the road to boot! The older Dcs have not had lunch as there is nothing in. I feel absolutely trapped and powerless. I do not speak fluently in his language so can't join in with conversations and I can't get a word in edgeways. He has been ignoring me.

I would like to smash DH's teeth in actually. This is not a holiday for me or the DCs. This is our 3rd time here and he promised this would not happen again. At home, he helps a lot and I wear the trousers if you will. I will never come here again. I am even thinking divorce would be a better option. AIBU?

Chazs His Mum and sisters are being shitty to his wife, who is an infrequent guest and is stepping well out of her comfort zone to facilitate family relations, so I think if OP mentioned this to her DH, he should be capable of taking it on the chin without thinking it is some mindset of hers which is the problem.

Leaving aside different cultures, power cuts, heat etc, what is so unfair about this situation is that the OP's husband goes off having fun most days, while she is left at home, doing all the childcare, housework and washing. Yes, she could go out with the children, but I understand why this might be difficult.

OP, I think I would insist on leaving asap, but I do understand why you feel you can't really do that. How about you comprise and leave a few days (or even a week) early and spend longer on the way back?

squoosh maybe you have been in a similar position to the OP maybe not - I have. I visit my DH's family in rural North Africa most years where women rarely walk down the street on their own, in the UK I am a successful lawyer and more than capable of managing without supervision.

What I see is that her DH's family are treating her like all the other women, which from a UK perspective is bloody uncomfortable. However, from their perspective is normal and they might see it as making her part of the family.

Think for a minute how you would feel if your DP came with you to stay with your family and complained about your parents, the electricity, the chatting in the evening etc.

Its unbelievely difficult to go into another culture that is so different to your own and adapt and the family should make allowance. However, for her DH and his family this is their culture, it is normal, and if the women have never experienced anything different they really don't understand the leap that the OP is being asked to make. Her DH should be acting as a better bridge between cultures but the OP should tread carefully about being critical about the way things are done in his family and home country.

It sounds awful op, your husband sounds as much use as a chocolate teapot, and does nothing to help or support his wife, especially as this has happened in the past so should be fully awAre and ready to support you. In fact he is supporting this behaviour by allowing It to go on. To save you no dinner, I would not have that at all, did he not ask to save you some dinner. He was a bit narked, so what, did he do anything about it, no. Sorry for me that would be a dealbreaker in a marriage enough for me to leave, it would. Just goes to show that his family and pride come before his wife and children. Yes different cultures are different I am aware of that, but to expect to be an unpaid unfed slave to basically horrid nasty eople, nobody should have to put up with that in this day and age

Chaz agree - the problem is the DH is exacerbating the problem when he could be ameliorating it.

Although, that said, ST82 said she also knows Albania well and said this family were not typical of the culture - so it could be the problem is the family is dysfunctional, rather than the culture is alien.

There are plenty of threads on here from people with dysfunctional families in the UK where all the family members are enabling of behaviour not regarded by the wider culture as normal.

I don't feel this is an issue so much with OPs in-laws or the culture or living conditions... Although I understand all of this must feel very foreign and alienating.

It seems though that OP may feel more able to bear the situation if she had the support and understanding of her husband. And if he tried to ease her transition into the family more.. perhaps by translating for her, asking his mother to keep some dinner for her, by compromising and taking OP and kids out for the day here and there...

Yes, it is important that OP respect and make an effort to understand her DHs culture and family. However OPs DH also made the decision to marry a British woman and should respect that and his DWs culture and attitudes.

At the moment it sounds all about the DH making promises he can't keep [that he will look after OP on holiday] and that his needs take priority and that his 'saving face' is paramount.

But OP, your needs are equally important and it sounds to me as if neither of you are respecting these. I imagine that you might be able to 'endure' DHs family and the living arrangements with greater equanimity if you felt that DH was more mindful of your 'sacrifice' and more willing to ensure that you were looked after and given a pleasant holiday... rather than just being used as a servant and childminder!

JennerOsity agreed - I don't think her DH is being very fair at all and as I said in my first post she would be entitled to read him the riot act over that.

It really can be hard. I remember once at with DH's family. There were some male visitors (non family) who sat with the men and ate a leisurely dinner chatting away whilst the women lurked in the kitchen waiting for their chance to eat. My blood was boiling but it wouldn't have changed anything if I had steamed in to my DH and said how unfair it was, its just how that culture works. I did have a quiet word with him after and made sure he knew that the women had to wait and next time why didn't the men go and talk somewhere else after their meal.

Why will you not go?

I would go fucking apeshit if my family didn't save food for my OH settling my child, their gc/dn etc.

Narked? He was a bit narked? WTAF?

Your DH IS a cunt OP.

OP: even if you have to grit your teeth and stay for the next two weeks - promise yourself that you will never ever return. Then discuss future terms and conditions when you and notsoDH return to the UK. Consult a solicitor if necessary re: OH taking kids out of UK [ostensibly on holiday]. Sorry to read that you are having such a crap time .

Ohh OP I real feel for you. No advice other than you must not go again. Shred your passport, commit a minor crime and get yourself an ankle tag, do whatever it takes but dont go back. Don't give DH a reason, encourage him to go alone BUT DON'T GO WITH HIM.

Good luck with the rest of your, err, umm, holiday from hell

highjumping

what a sweet and comforting post, bless you

porcamiseria

What a pointless and passive aggressive post.

Have some flowers since apparently that will make my rude and passive aggressive comment less rude.

DoItOnce - or she can just say "no, you promised last time, that was a lie. I don't trust you any more to act like a good husband and father when you are around your family, so that won't happen. You can go be a tool without us, and I'll stay here where I can be certain our children will be fed and safe."

I hope the OP has lost it and they are driving home.

HJH
I know you had an awful time with your DH when you went to live in his country. However, I think you are projecting some of your experiences on to the OP. Her DH is not behaving as well as he should but its not the same as what you went through.

HeyNa,

not much is going to change because you're enabling the situation to continue.

to change things will mean feeling uncomfortable for a while because you'll be rocking the boat, a boat that everyone else is comfortable in except for you.

so use this thread to post about your frustration and anger, but just posting isn't going to change anything.

You an ask for a compromise, op. You are doing your best to fit in with his family, so every couple of days he could take you all out for the day, a picnic at a scenic spot perhaps?

Did he evrexplain to his family that your culture is very different so you will find it very hard to just do what t looks like women are expected to do there? He could do so much to help the situation and make it easier, but it seems almost as if he is 'getting his own back' for the way things are over here. It looks a little like he needs to let you know that this is what he could have had from a wife. I'm probablyreading far too much into it, but his reaction, telling you to fuck off, ignoring his own promise to you, intimate that there is something in his psyche which he can't or won't let go of.

claude

Rock the boat, how?

My concern is it is very difficult to go into someone elses culture and tell them that you don't accept they way they live or what they are doing is wrong. There is a real risk that the OP will be seen by her DH's family as someone who thinks she is superior to them and more important / knows better etc if she doesn't handle it carefully. Its a really difficult line to walk and her DH should be helping more.

I think its disgusting that in the guise of "help" and advice people say things like "Your DH IS a cunt OP. "

I will be as passive agreessive as I like frankly

Its disgusting, rude and unhelpful

I cannot see how OP will gain one iota of support from a post like that

The "leave the bastard" brigade seem to imply that anyone that accept poor behaviour is a week cowardly "in denial" piece of shit, and it really upsets me

maybe they have issues we dont even know about

bang your drum, and make some poor cow feel like shit why dont you

I think however rude and stuck up she may appear the OP has to say firmly that she married DH not his culture and not his family.

Personally I would only go if I was staying a hotel or a rented house with access to a pool. DH would be free to spend time with his cousins, but DCs and I would have some cool down time.

Holiday is a scare thing, I would not spend it cooking for relatives who's guest I was.

Not staying with them or staying in the UK seems the only way not to very damaging rows.

I think the OP loves her DH normally and needs to reach a deal that prevents him having to choose to back her or his mum.

StarBall

She can certainly say that to her husband. I don't go every year to visit DH's family as I do need a break from it some years but DH does and he takes the children. How I manage it is that DH will go for 3 weeks and, when I am going to I will come over for the last 7-10 days. We have a family holiday somewhere else at a different time of year.

After more than a decade and at least half a dozen trips, we both agree that visiting his family can't be our main family holiday because DH is under so much pressure to visit siblings (of which he has quite a few) and cousins etc (if you visit one lot you have to visit the other 4 sets of cousins otherwise someone will be offended) that he can't focus on us as much as I would like, hence the compromise.

"I think its disgusting that in the guise of "help" and advice people say things like "Your DH IS a cunt OP. " ... I cannot see how OP will gain one iota of support from a post like that"
Well, it helps to hear other people say things like that because it makes you feel less alone. OP is physically isolated from RL support right now, being effectively told by all around her that she is the one in the wrong and her husband is in the right; it's pretty easy in such situations to start to doubt yourself and your opinions. Having this semi-gaslighting forcefully rebutted can be very reassuring, confirming that your feelings are legitimate and giving you the strength to face unreasonable behaviour on the part of others and not crumble.

I may have suffered at the hands of my abusive 'h', but I wouldn't ever have had his family bad mouth me, fail to actually feed me during a visit.

IME Egyptians HATE western wives, we've 'stolen' their men. There IS open contempt from them, comments etc.

I lived there, had shit thrown in my direction almost everytime I left the flat, but my shitty 'H' actually stood up for me.

What the OP's H is doing is standing by watching while his mum and sister gang up on her, fail to treat her as the holiday guest, the family guest that she is. He regularly leaves her to fend for herself, and doesn't even suggest she's actually FED! In fact, from the OP, His ONLY contribution to the situation is to tell her if she doesn't like it, she can Fuck Off.

So, OK so stating that he's a Cunt was perhaps not the most constructive sentence, what out of interest would we best describe him as then?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude

by 'rock the boat' i mean change the way things are done now.

i do see your point about different cultures but from what i understand her in laws are treating her badly no matter what culture you're from. her dh should be standing up for her and the fact that he's not means his family has the green light to continue.

To those suggesting the OP learn the language to join it, it is a massive undertaking. I can say anything I want to in my wife's language and understand much of what goes on around when it's all correct - the equivalent of BBC English, if you will. When the in-laws are talking about some local gossip, with cultural references that I don't know, using all sorts of slang at breakneck speed, it is almost impossible, and utterly exhausting to do for any length of time. Added to that, I can't imagine that there are too many resources for someone wanting to learn Albanian(?), so if the ones that do exist aren't much cop, you're stuck.

I think the OP would be better off just leaving her husband to it in future, and not going with them, as indeed she says in her first post. I think I would just say that the cultural difference was more than I could handle, and clear off back home.

There is much the same way of thinking in this country. Older men in particular contribute nothing besides sitting on their arses. My mother-in-law is a bit used to it now, but she still goes wide-eyed when I do a bit of hoovering, and actually compliments me when I put a dirty plate in the sink. My visiting aunt-in-law once nearly wet herself when I thanked my wife for handing me a cup of tea, and mentioned how she would like to be told "thank you" from time to time. Discussing this with my wife, I was told that the aunt was married to an older man, and had no daughters, only two sons, so she was used to doing everything and getting no thanks.

Sorry, that wasn't much help. You aren't being unreasonable in being pissed off, but if hubby is fine when he's in the UK, it sounds like he just has a lack of balls when dealing with his family - not uncommon - rather than him being an arse. At the risk of making an explosive suggestion, have you considered inviting some of the in-laws to wherever you live, so they can see that being a silent servant is NOT what you are used to?