To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

I know it is hard, but this money is your son's. You have no right to refuse it. Save it or use it but for god's sake try not to let your own disappointment anger and sadness (all perfectly natural) make you deny your son the only support he can get from his father.

A consultant?

From NHS careers:

Consultants

Consultants can earn a basic salary of between £74,504 and £100,446 per year, dependent on length of service. Local and national clinical excellence awards may be awarded subject to meeting the necessary criteria.

Just proves that Couthy is spot on with her calculations.

I just love the way he's talking as if he's got a minimum wage job stacking shelves and uses a 15 year old banger to get to work and is worried that he won't be able to put petrol in it and so will lose his job. Didd-ums!

Oh and lots of consultants do private work as well which brings a lot of extra money in. But some consultants won't do that, they support the NHS totally and want to give back to the NHS what the NHS has spent on their training, and more. He might be a high-minded moral sort like that.

Either he's deluded, or deliberately lying.

Either way, he needs to learn to budget.

For what it's worth I actually think it's important for your son's self-esteem for you to take the money.

It might also be worth starting a new thread asking for advice on how to explain the situation to your son, for good responses to the questions he's asking to help him understand and retain a sense of worth and other things you can do so this mythical father figure isn't so important in his life I bet i could teach him to play football and use my powers of persuasion so he believes he's the best football player in the world if you lived nearby

^DS matters not at all to him. Not at all. That hurts me, that hurts me for DS, I just cant believe someone would be so terrible, and so I wait hoping that its all just some misunderstanding, but its not, he actually doesnt give a fuck.

I just kept thinking if he spends time with him, how can he not see how fucking wonderful DS is. How can he not want to be a part of his life, and thats why I find it so hard to believe he could just walk away and leave DS behind.^

Magic with this ^^ you've exactly summed up how I feel too. It's heartbreaking, isn't it, to know that your son's father doesn't give a shit. My son has recently started asking why his dad isn't around, why he doesn't see him. It's so hard to have to try and explain. It breaks my heart.

My story is a very similar one...it's the disbelief that a father cares not one iota for their child and it takes a very long time to realise it is actually true.
I believed that my DS deserved to have his father in his life and I did everything I could to facilitate and encourage that relationship....nearly 12yrs now but I gave up quite a while ago now and have barely heard anything since.

Maintenance is the rights of a child to an upbringing between both parents contributing towards....it's not a nice favour, a generous gift or lining your pockets....it's the responsibility any parent has for any children they have...

stick to your guns and let the csa collect what is due to your DS. If his father isn't worth anything else to his DS then that's his selfish choice.

Please don't back down...this is for your DS and is absolutely the right thing to do....and the csa do not award amounts of money willy nilly...it is a carefully addressed calculation of income.

If you do have a convo with ex about this again...you can advise that from October 2012...it will likely shift and be a higher amount as it is changing to gross income calculations and will very possibly mean a greater amount is awarded....he should get his act together now to avoid this possibility!!

Jesus Christ, OP. Those text messages are beyond ridiculous.

How stupid does he think you are? How can he possibly act as if £375 per month is going to literally ruin him financially, when you KNOW he is a high earner? To say "if I pay this money I won't be able to run a car so I won't be able to get to work so I will lose my job and then you'll get nothing from me anyway"...jesus, that is insulting! How can you not be getting angry with him right now?!

The reality, as you must well know, is that he may have to make a couple of minor sacrifices but to pretend that he is going to lose his house, his car and his pension over this is just fucking RIDICULOUS and makes me absolutely furious. I think he must be an extremely arrogant and disrespectful man to say this kind of thing to you and expect you to believe it.

If he is running a luxury car, he will just have to sell it and buy something more economical. There is no WAY that paying an extra £375 per month to you would mean he couldn't afford to run any kind of car at all.

If he has a massive mortgage, he will just have to downsize. Presumably if his partner and her kid(s?) are moving out then he won't need such a big place anyway.

If his partner is leaving him over £375 per month, then she was hardly in the relationship for the right reasons to start with.

STOP feeling guilty!!!

Sweetheart. Don't waste another minute thinking that you have failed your sons. Not even a second. You are the one good and constant thing in their lives.

Keep records of all that has gone on. Send one last letter to him and his parents reiterating your wish for your son to have contact with him and / or his paternal grandparents. Do not mention CSA in this letter at all.

Then hold your head high and know you are doing the best you can for your son.

The partner is probably leaving because of his ranting and raving about supporting his child - she is probably thinking "what if we have a child?" She only has one child, she may very well want more. She has seen his true colours.

I've read his responses to you OP.

I'm sorry but it all seems to be about him and his sodding animals!!!!

I think I could eat a tin of alphabet spaghetti and shit a better argument than your XP.

Don't respond to his texts/phonecalls. He is just trying to break you down. There is no room for compromise imo. It is all just a tactic to get you to call off the CSA, at which point, he will more than likely go back to denying your DS any financial support or a relationship.

He sees you as weak, and if he laments to you for a little longer, you will cave in and expect precisely nothing from him.

Doesn't your DS deserve more than that?

Do you really want your DS to grow up asking why you put the needs/wants of your XP and his pets above your own DS??

Stay strong OP. You can get your DS what he deserves, but you have to ignore your XP's rantings to achieve that. Good luck!!

Sorry I sounded a bit short. I am so sorry that you and your son have to go through this. How sad that he will never know how undoubtedly special your son is and miss out on so much. His loss.

BalloonSlayer Ditto. Wonder if she started a thread on here about it!

Should I leave rich prat who refuses to pay for his child with ex?

Consensus would have been unanimous.

The partner is now fully aware that if she stays with Dr Arse any child produced could end up being the fifth applicant to the CSA for support.

Paging Dr Arse! We've seen your texts and called you a wambulance, WAAA! WAAA! WAAA!"

Am at this guy and would be pissing myself laughing at his texts if I didn't want to tear his head off. DO NOT BACK DOWN!!! Fucking fish indeed!!!

And if DS's GPs want to see him - encourage that. My friend's brother had a child, had a custody battle and when he lost took umbrage and cut him off completely. Friend (child's auntie) and her parents (GPs) still see the little boy. Friend's brother has now cut them all off. He has been such a twatting arse that he doesn't seem much of a loss - they treasure the time they have with grandson / nephew.

Lol Catkins

Have to say for a doctor he seems to have either a) a fairly poor understanding of contraception or b) SUPER SPERM!!! One child he didn't intend to father = a (happy) accident but the others too...

If he is already paying for 3 kids through the CSA, he is paying 25%, someone correct me if I'm wrong, but 25% is the maximum that they make the absent parent pay, so you add another child to that 25%, his payments won't go up, the other payments will go down, so instead of 25% split three ways it will be a four way split.

Someone please tell me if I've got that wrong, but going by the CSA booklet that's how it is.

no kelly you dont have that wrong

I'd be tempted to text back alright!

"Pay for your kid Fuck Face!!"

that's what I'd text back, in response to each and every pathetic, whiny text. He really is some piece of work.

Loved Thierry Henry's fish tank though .

Lol at spaghetti alphabet argument.

Kelly & Socknicking

Its because -or so Dr Arse-- says he has some sort of spousal agreement with his Ex-wife. He has to pay her so much per month, less what goes through the CSA, so because I am now claiming, he has to pay her more in order to match what she was getting IYSWIM. Sorry I didnt make that clear.

op ive read those txt replys to you and frankley im more shocked and angrey on your behalf than i was before.

what a jumped up prick, everything is everybody elses fault never his, he hasnt learnt despite having that many kids tho why im surprised by that i dont know my ex has 3 other adult children as well.

i would bet my life on it that his gf has spoken about leaving him because of his reaction towards his son,from what you said befor it makes me think that she was the pusher in making him have contact that time,his attitude towards maintaining his child is so sick she has probally thought hey hang on a sec hes bitching about paying for them not wanting to why the fuck should i let him use MY child to reduce his liabilities.

or he has told her its way way more that he has to pay.

you can also bet that hes not texting his other ex's like this hes doing it to you because he thinks your an easy touch he thinks he can get you to back down he thinks it will work. dont let him

OP - his financial arrangements are HIS PROBLEM. If he didn't want kids that he had to provide for he should've worn a fucking condom!

I would actually email him (ONCE AND ONCE ONLY - NO MORE ENGAGING AFTER THAT) and say:

*You talk about your car and your pets and your mortgage...

You have a SON - a child, a little boy

Your son needs feeding and clothing and educating

He also needs love and nurturing - you don't want to see him so I will do that bit (very gladly)

But you have a responsibility to support your son financially as fully as the CSA decrees you are able.*

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