To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

I cant feed myself or the animals

Has he ever shown an interest in feeding his son?

If you've caved before he will be expecting you to do so again. He will probably be apoplectic with indignant rage now that his sob story isn't working.

Stay strong OP.

I don't get your guilt on this. You both made this child together, accident or no.

Does anyone look at your income every month and assure you that you won't need to pay more than 10%/20%/whatever on feeding, housing, clothing and looking after your son?! I imagine not. Anything he needs, you have to get it. If it cost 120% of your monthly income you'd still have to do it and presumably get into debt. His father's contribution will be fixed.

Do you see?

Just because this man thinks he's the centre of the universe and far more important than his own child, that's no reason for you to collude with him in this.

Stop engaging with this man

Continue with your CSA application and sever contact.

He knows how to contact you if he wants to see DS.

He's not going to lose his job though, is he? I'd imagine a lot of his ego is tied up in his title, he won't want to let that go. Sit tight and play the violin along to his little tale of woe, but don't back down.

Good lord, he's PATHETIC. So it's ok for him to ignore your DS but you must immediately give him attention or he has a toddler tantrum?! He needs to grow the fuck up. If he already pays CSA for his other two kids then he won't lose his job/car/house/fish will he? Of course not. He'll adapt, so don't feel sorry for him. Send my response, add on 'grow the fuck up, you pathetic excuse for a man-child', then switch your phone off for a while and disengage. Or do what someone else suggested and send him a link to MSE .

Now he's shown himself to be utterly uninterested, perhaps his parents and other relatives would like to get to know their grandson?

I can't believe anyone would make their parents make such an awful choice as he did. He is an utter utter arsehole.

Lies lies lies - that's all he has for you.
As for the emotional blackmail he used on his own parents to stop them seeing your DS, ugh, just even more disgusting.

WHY do you feel the slightest bit guilty for upsetting this pondscum? STOPPIT!! take the money for your DS, it's the best thing you can do for him now, and direct any further communications from the lying cunt to your lawyer.

He's a lying cunting bastard and I do not see how he sleeps at night.

'Have you no compassion?' Where is his compassion for a little boy who cries and says 'I'll be better behaved' if only his father will come and see him and play football with him?

How can paying you and DS 10% of his net income possibly be going to 'ruin' him?

OP, you said: I need to focus on the financial advantages I am stealing from DS by not pursuing the CSA.

Instead I focus on the potential relationship that he might possibly hopefully have with his dad one day in the future. His father is stealing that from him.

Not me, not my choices

Hold on to that thought!

Block his number or just delete the texts before reading them. Block him on FB, dont read his FB page.

Take the money, pay for your DS to have his keyboard lessons.

Don't get into a slanging match. Ignore , ignore, ignore .

What. a. twat.

I know its hard, but PLEASE don't engage with him. Don't answer the phone or respond to texts. He is so selfish and self-centered it is unreal - and he is just blatently lying. If you get into it with him he will push and push and push until you crack.

Think of your DS. Think of the things you'll be able to do with this money for him. Fathers SHOULD pay for their children.

Taking the money will not mean that he will not see his DS because of that - he won't see his DS because he is a self-absorbed selfish twat.

Im going to stick with it. Everytime I waver Im going to come and read this thread.

I worry so much about being unreasonable that I turn into a doormat.

I literally fear being disliked and criticsed by people, even people that dont really matter.

But (and im trying to hold it in my head) me being unreasonable, or accused of being unreasonable does not matter as long as it is the best thing for my DSs.

I did a similar matter in DS1s contact application with XP, I was so worried about being accused of being unreasonable, and of blocking contact, that it took for DS to break down at school, and tell his teacher that his dad was locking him in the hallway cupboard, that his dads partner was telling him that when I died they would all be one nice big family and a whole pile of other crap, for me to say no contacts not happening like this. And the sad thing was DS1 didnt want to tell me because he knew I wanted him to go and see his dad. I failed him and I swore I wouldnt do it to the DSs again.

Yet I am again taking oppourtunities from DS2 because I dont want to be unreasonable, I dont want to rob him of his father so I prevaricate and he cant do things he wants to do. I justify it by saying oh well, he goes to football (paid for my my mum) and Beavers, whats keyboard lessons - they arent essential. If he waits until Y3, he can do them discounted at school. I say it doesnt matter about going on holiday, were fine camping in the woods by the house, holidays arent essential. It doesnt matter that I cant afford a party for him this year, well just have a couple of friends round for tea, and hes a bit big for large parties anyway. Well you know it does matter and its my choices that are robbing him of these things. I am failing the DSs again.

after deduction of his generous pension contributions.

Indeed. But if these are excessive they can be challenged as such.

A small point to Sparks and Sallying, If Dr Arse is a GP, then 26% of gross income is deducted into pension - no choice, he's not doing this to make his wage look smaller to the CSA assessor.

OP, DO NOT let this pathetic man guilt trip you out of the money your DS is due. And I think, even after your DS has left school, his father can be compelled to provide support to him at university.

He obviously thinks he can manipulate you like he has in the past. Don't let him get any sort of agreement out of you - tell him you are leaving it to the CSA to sort out. If he has to downsize his lifestyle so what? It's ok for you to struggle, but not for him? Arse!

Your DS has 10 - 11 years before he might want to go to university. If you do not need all of the £375 each month, then save some of it towards DS's education. £100 a month will be £12,000 or so by then (plus the pitiful rate of interest of course!). Do not feel guilty - you tried by the only means you knew how to get your ex to see his son. The situation has backfired on your ex and he deserves it. Please don't back down.

Sorry loads of XPs whilst i was typing my self-pitying rant. I want to cry.

Im not going to respond. I will block him on fb, wont block him on the phone just in case he ever does want to text for contact.

He is, hes expecting me to give in because thats what I did last time, but this time he cant even be arsed to pretend he will see DS.

DS matters not at all to him. Not at all. That hurts me, that hurts me for DS, I just cant believe someone would be so terrible, and so I wait hoping that its all just some misunderstanding, but its not, he actually doesnt give a fuck.

I just kept thinking if he spends time with him, how can he not see how fucking wonderful DS is. How can he not want to be a part of his life, and thats why I find it so hard to believe he could just walk away and leave DS behind.

Im not responding, im not replying, ive turned my phone off for a bit.

I just need to not engage. I am my own worst enemy.

Dr Arse, I like that.

Hes a consultant at the hospital last I heard, something to do with eyes I think.

Sorry OPs DH, 4.500 a year is the cost of the USA holiday we are not having because we have bought two newer cars in the last couple of years, it is not, on those kind of wages big money. It's perfectly possibly to cut booze, gym, dogs, fish, meals out, posh clothes, short breaks and whatever other frivolous toys he goes in for and spend it in his son.

I bet if he has a big car he could down size or run for 7 years rather than 3 and not even notice.

Agree with everyone else times a million.

Re the probabality of him telling your son you made access too difficult (which he will - twat that he clearly is)...Keep a letter/log/document/email trail/screenshots of all the ways you tried to encourage him to see his son.

You don't have to thrust this in your ds's face as soon as he turns 18, as it could be very painful for him - but you can have it there so that if he's really confused and questioning you, you can show that you did all you could.

WHAT A TOTAL AND UTTER CUNT!
Hes talking total and utter bollocks!
So less than £400 a month pays for his mortgage, his car, his gymn and his animals??
Send him links to the following
RSPCA rehoming service,
The local bus company
Reebok(for running shoes)
The local housing authority!

Seriously, do as others have said and sever contact. The CSA knows exactly what they are doing. Leave them to it. Maybe send him a parting message regarding the fact that you will NEVER stand in the way of his relationship with his son, but that you dont want any contact with him yourself other than via email, and ONLY regarding contact. Tell him to keep his whingeing to himself!

Aslo, what ProudNScary said, Keep records of ALL correspondence.

I've just googled consultants pay, he gets slightly more to one hell of a lot more than DH.

He can afford what the CSA are asking.

He's obviously got something a lot wrong with him to think like he does, let alone to say the stupid and awful things he is saying. He sounds like a raging narcissist to me.

It's NOT you, it's NOT your son. It's him. I bet if you were my neighbour and I was lucky enough to know you and your son (or anyone on here was) we would treasure the time we spent with him and would be pleased to know such a lovely child as he sounds. That his own father doesn't have the common decency to want to see his own flesh and blood is beyond comprehension by any normal person. Maybe he is part fish? He sounds cold-blooded enough. :)

Perhaps you could sit down tonight and write a letter to your son, date it and explain (in child terms) how much you love him and the efforts you have made to get his father to see him, that the door is always open for this, and that you will always be here for DS. Don't give it to him but keep it for the future in case he ever asks why dad never came back.

While we're here, you didn't go to the CSA out of spite, why tell yourself that? It was because you were outraged at his father's ability to ignore your son.

I know it's not cool on MN magic but here: (((hug)))

Because I think you need one.

And/or send him a final letter re: door always open for contact, and copies for grandparents and one saved for yourself and DS, again for the future.

You don't even need to mention the money. It's separate.