To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

MagicLama, if he has a spousal agreement with his ex-wife & his circumstances have changed since the court order with her was made - then he can go back into negotiations with the ex-wife. That is not your problem or your DS's problem.
The CSA has made their calculation, taking into consideration all his other children, that may or may not live with him. The 10% of his net income after pensions etc - is what your DS should receive by way of financial support from the other 50% of his parents!!!!!!

Do not weaken, do not weaken, do not weaken - DO NOT WEAKEN. Your DS deserves this contribution from his father.

Can we not come to some other arrangement

Like he pays you nothing, perhaps? Like he has done until now?

You do know he's lying don't you?

He doesn't want pay, I'm in exactly the same situation, sporadic contact, until something better comes along, didn't see his child for the first five months, cries poverty, pays soooo much to the csa every month blah blah fucking blah.

Now I know the truth, thanks to the letter off the CSA telling me what he earns and the fact he's only paying for two of his other kids, not three.

op, i may be wrong here but if his ex goes via the csa it over rides any court orders regarding ongoing maintainance inc spouse support and removes the ability to go back to court unless you are dealing with figures that are to huge for the csa to touch. the csa have a obligation to inform the court as soon as they become involved and the court discharges the previous orders.

if im wrong perhaps someone who knows more about it than me could say if the csa will take a court order in respect of maintainance for a ex wife into concideration im guessing the claim is after 2003?

if they do not then he has the ability to go back to court and ask them to change the order to reflect child maintainance liabilitys cm is a priority debt and takes precedence over any other type of monetary court order.

but i expect hes just lieing to you because hes a festering slime ridden blue waffle pus ridden putrid fuckwit cunting cunt

sorry about the swearing

i forgot to add any other arangement you make is pretty much unenforceable and it cost you more money to attempt to enforce the csa will do it for you after a fashion

What an absolute shit this "man" is - as if you didn't know that already! it just shows doesn't it that being highly intelligent - as he must be - and earning a very good wage is no guarantee of humanity.

Please please don't respond and/or negotiate with him at all ... let the CSA do it all. You do NOT need to justify applying for child maintenance ... I don't care if your initial call to the CSA was prompted by revenge/spite or whatever the fact is your little boy deserves and is entitled to a financial contribution from his "father" (inverted commas not because I'm doubting his parentage but because this shit doesn't act like a father).

His so-called problems are just that - his and his alone. How he organises his finances are none of your business and it's sickening that a high earner like him - with (probably) the potential to earn a lot lot more - should be pleading poverty with the most insulting of excuses.

I know you're really hurting about his lack of interest in your son but TBH, your little boy - though he may not appreciate it as yet - is far far better off without someone so fickle, irresponsible, unreliable and cruel in his life. You know from past experience that at best it is only ever going to be a sporadic "relationship" when it suits him and the potential for your boy to have his heart broken over and over is high. Him having no father at all is probably the lesser of two evils - rather than him being tolerated at odd times by someone who doesn't give a stuff. Having him as a male role model is NOT going to help your son establish how men should behave is it ? If I were you I'd stop pushing for him to see your son ..... he should be in no doubt that you wouldn't stand in the way of contact and therefore the ball's in his court. I'd bet that if and when your son contacts him in the future, say as an adult, that he'd be rejected all over again .... but by then, he should be better equipped to deal with it emotionally. You absolutely must NOT blame yourself if he completely walks away from DS if you proceed with the CSA ...... children are not pay per view, nor are they view if you don't pay. Contact and maintenance should be two separate issues and bottom line is that if he WANTED to see DS he would do so regardless of what he was paying or not. Let's see ... he's paid nothing so far, yet how much has he bothered ? I think if you DO proceed with the CSA your son will gain far far more by benefitting financially ..... e.g. you could save this for Uni ........ than by maintaining a very on-off relationship which isn't a relationship at all really.

As for "ruining his life". What a pathetic baby. FACT: every time you have sex there's a risk of pregnancy ... short of going with same sex partners. It doesn't matter what contraception is being used, there's always a tiny risk. There is no way in the world he'd be able to sit with a patient and tell her categorically that she would NEVER get pregnant whilst taking the pill - he simply wouldn't. So why should it be any different for you ? Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Well said Catsmother

Give me a little while, and I will work out his actual salary before his pension contributions. And also the amount on top of CSA maintenance that he will have to pay in order to keep up with his court-ordered child support to his ex-wife. I am assuming it is under the old old system (pre-CS1) as you say those DC's are late teens, DD is CS1 as she is 14, DS's are all CS2 due to being born post 2001.

And I will work out how much of that £66k he will be left with even after that. I need to bath and bed DS3 first, but will be back with some sums later!

And OP - DON'T BLOODY WIBBLE!

Op he isn't saying he's going to see your ds if you drop your claim is he? And that's what you'd rather your ds had. So if he isn't getting that you have to take the money

My ex gave up his job as soon as I got an attachment of earnings. Your ex isn't about to do that.

*Give me a little while, and I will work out his actual salary before his pension contributions. And also the amount on top of CSA maintenance that he will have to pay in order to keep up with his court-ordered child support to his ex-wife. I am assuming it is under the old old system (pre-CS1) as you say those DC's are late teens, DD is CS1 as she is 14, DS's are all CS2 due to being born post 2001.

And I will work out how much of that £66k he will be left with even after that. I need to bath and bed DS3 first, but will be back with some sums later!

And OP - DON'T BLOODY WIBBLE!

Any court orders and CS1 cases would be migrated.

I quite agree about no one knowing about CSA legislation. Solicitors are the worst for claiming they do when they clearly don't!

TAKE THE MONEY !

If the tight fisted bastard is so worried about the upkeep of his fucking fish then you could tell him you will send him a supply of fish food to stop him worrying

Don't let him take the piss any longer !

Totally agree with catsmother. There are 2 bits of good news and 1 bit of bad news. First the bad:

It seems probable that nothing you or your son can do will make this man treat his son the way he deserves.

Then the good news:

1. Your son can get the love he needs from you and from others close to him. He's actually better off without bad role models in his life.
2. The CSA is there to remove the emotion from problematic situations and merely ensure that parents are financially responsible for their kids. Step back, let them do their job and accept the outcome as what the state considers to be a fair solution for your son.

Sparks - they don't automatically migrate PRE-CS1 cases though. These were the ones that were drawn up in court INSTEAD of pursuing maintenance through the CSA. If it was pre-1997 then it IS possible, especially if his ex-wife never had any further DC with a new partner.

I was given the choice as the RP as to whether DD's case was migrated from CS1 to CS2 when I put in an application under CS2 for my DS, who has a different father.

Migration is only automatic if you have a DC with the SAME parent years later. Other than that fairly unusual situation, pre-CS1 cases cannot be migrated WITHOUT the consent of the RP, regardless of how many other CSA cases are opened against the NRP. Same goes for early CS1 cases (pre-1999).

Sparks - on re-reading, ISWYM. But that is only if the court order comes AFTER a prior CSA assessment. The court ordered assessment for the OP's Ex's Ex-Wife (there's a mouthful for you!) came BEFORE the OP's CSA assessment, therefore it stands UNLESS the Ex-wife agrees to her case being transferred. Which she would be a fool to do, as her assessment is obviously more generous than a CS2 case!

In a few years, though, by the sounds of it, with those DC's being late teens, the OP's twatbaggy Ex's maintenance payments to them will stop, so the CSA will then reassess what is being paid to the OP, and her maintenance payments will increase.

I'm wondering if he owes back-pay of maintenance for his older 3 DC's, making him even more of a cunt more overstretched than it seems, due to the CSA's 'internal steer' to collect back-payments owed within two years?

Right, assuming the info posted earlier about him having to pay 26% of his salary into a pension is correct, then his income before his pension payments is a whopping £114,468 per annum.

FUUUUUUUUCK.

And he's whining like a bitch about paying just £375 a month?!

I'll be back with more later, but the ONLY thing I can think of is that he owes a SHITLOAD of maintenance for his other DC's too. WHICH IS HIS OWN FUCKING FAULT.

NOT your fault, OP, or your son's fault,

HIS FAULT FOR NOT PAYING.

I'm quite sure the RP's of his other DC's don't give two shiny shits about what poor little lambkins Ex has to forgo in order to pay his maintenance. What they care about is securing a future for their DC's.

God, he really is the biggest waste of space ever, isn't he?!

Please name and shame so everybody here knows not to go near him with someone else's barge pole...

Honestly if I was a man I wouldn't have sex with anyone for fear of having an unwanted child and being took all the way to the cleaners.

Awaits flames but do not care.

How do these horrendous men get so many women to have childen with them?

He's got four with three different women.

He must have something going for him.

I must admit my knowledge is now a bit hazy Couthy

However i'm pretty sure i'm right. Any court ordered CM has a shelf life of 18 months ( Sorry that may be a bit out) before the CSA take over.

The reason being the courts will not deal with CM anymore. The CSA top trump them.

Regardless, the OP needs to stick to her guns. And i say that as an NRP who has for years been utterly fucked off with these idiots avoiding financial responsibility.

"Honestly if I was a man I wouldn't have sex with anyone for fear of having an unwanted child and being took all the way to the cleaners. "

I will not flame you but simply point out that if I was a man with 3 children to two different mothers and really didn't want any more children I would have a vasectomy, lest an accident happened and I became a father to four children with three different mothers.

The CSA was invented for blokes like this, and it is nice to see the system working for once, usually you only hear bad stuff.

My ex has got five kids with four different women (probably more by now). Two I knew about - his eldest two with his ex wife. There's my DS, of course. Then two others that were conceived when we were together , which I only found out about when DS was about one. Ex had been living a treble double life while we were together and I'd had no idea. So these situations aren't always as clear cut and obvious as you'd like to think, and it's not always clear that your other half is a scumbag arsehole. If it was, I'm sure none of us would be in this situation now.

OP just so you know, Dr Arse only has to carry out one private medical exam/consultation a month, and he'll earn the amount he's been ordered to pay by the CSA, with plenty of change left over to feed his dog, his fish, and anyone else who rocks up for a free meal should they so choose. The cunt man has options. He's a consultant who can earn ridiculous sums of money from private work - a couple of hours work a month and his predictions of financial armageddon are no longer a worry. Even if he's paying a ridiculous sum of money to his ex wife and their kids, that is of no consequence to you or your DS. He won't go hungry, homeless, carless just because he has to actually be responsible for his own child. He's had 7 fucking years to get his head around this situation. Time to face the music. Do NOT let him wriggle out of this responsibility for your DS.

To be honest that was just a general comment, not particularly centered around this man and I've only read the OP anyway.

SecretPlace a man wishing to avoid this could use condoms, no? Or even the vasectomy that was suggested. Plus it's not 'taking to the cleaners' to pay your fair share.

OP, take the money. Don't have any more contact with him outside official channels. He has brought this all on himself.