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Original poster

To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

618 replies

MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 17/07/2012 10:36

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 17/07/2012 14:35

after deduction of his generous pension contributions.

Indeed. But if these are excessive they can be challenged as such.

Sallyingforth · 17/07/2012 14:37

Yes Sparks. The CSA should be checking that.

bogeyface · 17/07/2012 14:37

Disengage OP.

YOu have said all that needs to be said. You didnt even have to tell him about the CSA really, but thats done. You have told him that he and his family are welcome to see DS and that you are continuing with your claim. End of.

Every communication after that is another excuse for him to lay the crap onto you, and as it seems to work (if the guilt you are showing on here is anything to go by), you need to disengage, have no communication with him and ignore any texts/calls/messages etc.

MissMogwi · 17/07/2012 14:38

Yeah ignore him. Let him sweat and wait for the CSA to do their stuff.

bogeyface · 17/07/2012 14:38

Xpost OP :)

Original poster
MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 17/07/2012 14:38

bogey I think so (adds another layer of guilt to herself). Ive only met her once when she came with Ex. She seemed nice and sensible, and given how id exploded a bombshell into their lives pretty damn decent about it all.

However his family were decent originally trying to persuade him to see DS, however he has apparently (according to his mum who did some volunteer stuff with my mum) given them an ultimatum that if they see DS they wont see him. They backed off hoping he would see sense, which to date he hasnt.

OP posts:
juneau · 17/07/2012 14:39

What a total, emotional-blackmailing knob! To say nothing of his feckless, selfish disregard for his own son. Good for you OP. Please continue to pursue him. He's a bloody doctor FGS - does he really think that anyone is going to believe him pleading poverty? It's laugable. Doctors earn about £180k a year now when they're fully qualified!

TheCraicDealer · 17/07/2012 14:39

He sounds like a catch....he's soon to be single, you say? Grin

As you say, that money could be a car when he's 17, uni costs, the deposit for a house- stuff that you'd love to be able to give him but might struggle to on your own. Don't feel bad about requesting (legally and honestly) what is your son's right. The thing I personally would worry about is him demanding more access to DS, as if he had the attitude "well if I'm paying I might as well see him", but from the sounds of it this is what you want.

As for the fish- are they housed in something like this?

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 17/07/2012 14:39

Suggest that if he can't survive on a post-tax, post-pension income of £66k (or whatever Couthymow worked out), perhaps he should take a look at moneysavingexpert.com.

Hell, you could even send him the link if you're feeling generous. Grin

Spuddybean · 17/07/2012 14:40

Good god. I honestly cannot comprehend there are people out there like this. How can anyone be so self absorbed they can only see this thru their own circumstances? I would probably (not suggesting you do) keep trying to explain, just out of sheer disbelief, and thinking that he hadn't understood that it is for HIS child and not about HIS lifestyle. But there is a part of me that doesn't want to believe but knows he doesn't give a flying fuck about anyone but himself.

People like this make me so sad. The truth is, he will never understand. He will always think nothing is his responsibility and everything is everyone elses fault.

Stick to your guns OP.

Chandon · 17/07/2012 14:41

cannot believe he has not been paying maintenance so far.

You are robbing your child by not claiming what is rightfully your child's.

It has NOTHING to do with the fact that he does, or does not want a relationship with his own child. Separate issues.

I cannot believe you are even dithering.

Stay strong.

juneau · 17/07/2012 14:42

And I agree that you should cease communication now. You've said your piece. You've been upfront with him. You've welcomed contact from him and his family. It's now in the hands of the CSA - as it should be. Please don't feel guilty - he has brought this on himself. He got you pregnant and DS is his responsibility as a result - one that he has willfully shirked until now.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 17/07/2012 14:43

Have read this whole thread and just read his latest response to you. He's trying to shift the blame to you to appease his own guilt. Ignore, ignore, ignore. He'll just have to re-jig his budget to take into account his responsibilities. If he struggles to pay the mortgage he'll just have to downsize, take in a lodger or have fewer holidays. His partner's leaving? Not your problem. You're ruining his life? Nope, he's doing a good job of that all by himself.

Look, your responsibility isn't to your ex it's to your son. His responsibility isn't to his fish or holidays or even to his partner - his responsibility is also to your son. Ignore these sob stories. Continue with the claim. My response to that text would be just a simple 'Yes, I am serious. My son is my priority, as he should be yours. I suggest you re-jig your budget to take into account your financial responsibilities to your child. The CSA will deal with maintenance. In future only contact me if you wish to see DS and fulfil your responsibilities as a father.'

I know how you feel OP. My ex has never seen my 6yo DS and doesn't pay a single penny towards him. They caught up with him six months ago and issued a Deduction of Earnings Order, so he quit his job. I'm struggling financially and constantly have to rob Peter to pay Paul. If you turn down this money and let your ex off paying, it's an insult not only to yourself and your son but to all lone parents and their kids in the same situation.

MainlyMaynie · 17/07/2012 14:43

Would it be unkind to respond that since his partner is leaving his CSA payment will go up as he no longer has a child living with him?

picnicbasketcase · 17/07/2012 14:43

It always baffles me when people say that the payments worked out by the CSA are unfair. At least they've worked out from earnings what people can afford to pay, surely that's fairer than coming to your own arrangement which the absent parent can then suddenly withdraw when they feel like it.

Inertia · 17/07/2012 14:44

It may seem to be an obscene amount to take. It's a small fraction of his disposable income- so how obscene does that make his income?

You are not ruining his whole life. His life is about to get slightly less luxurious, with slightly less disposable income to spend. His choices have the potential to ruin his life, unless he starts to take responsibility for his own actions. Maybe he didn't want children- but anyone who ever has sex has to accept that pregnancy is a possible outcome.

Take the money. Your son is entitled to the opportunities that this maintenance payment brings. He's been short-changed all these years - please don't let him miss out on more because of the guilt you feel about the reduction in your Ex's fish buying budget.

And you know what'll happen if you don't take the maintenance payment? Ex won't say "fabulous, this opens all the doors to a wonderful relationship with my son". He'll say "Thank fuck she's off my back", and forget about you and your son as he jets off on holiday again.

AllYoursBabooshka · 17/07/2012 14:44

He sounds like a pathetic, sniveling, man-child. That text reply made my skin crawl.

Take the money! It's the least your son deserves given the fact that his "Father" is a spineless loser who will disappoint him for the rest of his life.

Please don't feel guilty you are just putting your son first, Your a good Mum. :)

TheBigJessie · 17/07/2012 14:45

45 you say? So, he got grants for university, then, didn't he? Your little boy won't...

It will be considerably easier for your son to do whatever he wants to do, whether that is medical school, studying architecture or anything, if he has money in the bank. It's not nice. But it's true.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 17/07/2012 14:48

Firstly, tell him "Fuck your fish!"
Secondly, tell him that none of those things are your problem.

These are the consequences of having children. You dip your wick, you pay the price! As a doctor, he is more than capable of dealing with contraception, yet he has 3?? children?
Well tough shit!
In no way is he on the bread line. NO WAY AT ALL! As others have said, he is raking in a fortune. If he cant afford to pay his mortgage then he will have to sell up and buy a smaller house. Get a smaller car, take less holidays... Stop his fucking whingeing and get on with it!
A doctor is meant to be an upstanding member of the community. Hes not living up to his responsibilities, is he?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 17/07/2012 14:48

Cross posted with loads of people - I'm on phone so typing is slow Grin.

KenLeeeeeee you and I are in EXACTLY the same situation. How do these 'men' live with themselves?

Original poster
MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 17/07/2012 14:49

Ive had 2 missed calls and another text

So now you are ignoring me? Real mature. I thought you would be willing to discuss this like adults. But no you are just going to ruin my life and ignore me whilst you do it. It wasnt about the money you said. Damn well seems to be about the money now you can see what you can take from me. Can we not come to some other arrangement that wont result in me not being able to get to work, as ill have to let the car go, that wont mean I cant feed myself or the animals. A %age of nothing is nothing, thats all youll end up with when ive lost my job.

Its all about him, its always all about him.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 17/07/2012 14:49

Ignore ignore ignore.

If you had stayed in a relstionship your son would have had all of this (and probably then some) by default.

You are doing the right thing. Your son deserves emotional, practical and financial support from his parents. If financial support is all your son can get from his dad then so be it.

I can't emphasise enough; you are doing the right thing. He is over exaggerating his circumstances because he doesn't want to pay. Do not engage.

PostBellumBugsy · 17/07/2012 14:52

OMG - ignore him. I can't believe he would prioritise animals & a car over his son.

Mind you my ex is the same - £40k on a land rover (essential in central London apparently) but will fight tooth & nail not to contribute to the DCs.

StuntGirl · 17/07/2012 14:53

Posted before I saw your new update.

Please love, do not engage. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you. You know he is. Ignore him. Follow everything through official channels. Your fear of being seen as a gold digger must come second to the need to get this man to adequately provide for his son. Your son deserves it.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 17/07/2012 14:54

His texts aren't making him look any less of a tosser...

But it is really sad he won't let his parents see their grandson, that just seems so spiteful. They must be fairly elderly, too, if he's 45?