To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

Ahh well were just going to have to agree to disagree on this one.

You say 'its Dr Arses fault that he got fucked over by the Op becasue he should have worn a condom even though she was on the pill'

and I say 'Its not right that Dr Arse is being fucked over'

and you say 'but what about the chilldrruun'

We arent going to meet in the middle on this one!

Ah of course, the childruun don't matter at all do they? Who gives a fuck if that poor boy is heart broken by the down on his luck, duped consultant eh?

"But she was on the pillllll" is why bloody syphilis is making a come-back, y'know.

Babies and children are financially costly. They are the responsibility of both parents. My husband isn't an irresponsible, heartless moron, but if he was, would he have been entitled to ask me to persuade two doctors to abort one twin? If I refused, would he be entitled to say that he should only care for one of our twins?

It's funny how you see the idea of not having penetrative sex so absurd when this would completely solve the the problem. Is this because men are entitled to this kind of sex?

I don't understand how if contraception fails then it's still a mans fault because he had sex with her. What's the point of contraception? If we are all supposed to be practicing abstinence or facing the consequences then why take the pill - because we know it does work most of the time. You can't blame a man for assuming that it will work. He could also assume that a woman taking the pill doesn't want children.

It's not really fair to say he must be prepared for children if he's going to have sex IMO. However if that is the assumption then having sex with a man who doesn't want children is not something a women should do unless she is happy to take the consequences. No one forced her to have sex with this guy.

looktoshinford when you have sex you run the risk of a contraceptive failure. If you are not mature enough to deal with the consequences of this, well then you're probably not mature enough to be having grown up relationships are you?

You get taught this in school.

As a doctor he should realise that the pill fails sometimes. He could have -and should have if he didn't want to risk a pregnancy- doubled the protection with a condom, but he didn't. Because he's a wanker who thinks the world should revolve around him and his fucking fish.

OP I have two dogs on a far lesser disposable income than your ex. I also pay towards the care of my parent's birds (which are lot more fucking expensive than fucking well fish), we holiday abroad once a year and can still afford weekend trips in the UK. Paying for the upkeep of my two children has not ruined my life and I even have money left over to buy flipperies with.

There seems to be an overwhelming need for some basic sex education for some people posting on this thread. How supposed grown adults cannot comprehend the risks and consequences of having sex, is beyond me.

I very nearly didnt come back to this, after reading the last few posts, but ive tried to go back and read from where I left off last night.

However I just wanted to say thanks for everyones support and opinions, even the harsher ones. They are nothing that I havent thought to myself over the last 18 months whilst ive been trying to decide what to do.

I dont know what the right thing is, ive never known what the right thing was, its constantly been about just trying to muddle through and live with the consequences of whatever decisions I have made.

Ultimately though I got so mad with him pretending DS doesnt exist, that I called them. I thought fuck you, the least you can do is support him financially, ever since then I have waivered with that decision. Is it right? Is it fair? Whats best for DS2?

I suspect the answer is not clearcut. Dr Arse would rather I disappeared off the face of the planet and took DS with me. DS would rather Dr Arse was a dad that saw him, that he could go and stay with and play games with.

I will be sending Dr Arse a message unless hes already on here as one of the really angry posters. I will be telling him that I do not wish to ruin his life, but that I do not intend to allow the previous situation of him pretending DS doesnt exist to continue. Since he will not take practical involvment, the least he can do is a financial involvement. If the CSA amount will ruin his life, he is free to make me an offer of a monthly payment he feels will not. I will then decide how to proceed.

I might be back asking AIBU to say no £5 a month is not a reasonable CM contribution from a doctor on £100k plus a year

The only other thing is if anyone knows how I can help DS through this, or has any ideas or books or anything, or a suggestion of where best to post on MN to get some support for helping DS not my decision about the CSA, would be welcome.

Everyone knows that having sex may lead to pregnancy.

It's the assumptions afterwards that cause the problems.

Well, it's not the Archangel Gabriel's sperm, is it?

If contraceptive failure occurs in a normal, consensual relationship, the results are the responsibility of both parties. Dr Arse provided sperm. Op provided egg. She's definitely stepped up to the plate. Arse hasn't. Arse should.

Take the CSA money. It's not an amount that will ruin his life. It really isn't. He is a child throwing a childish strop. If his GF is planning on leaving him over it, then that's probably because he is showing his true colours to her. You've done her a favour if anything.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo MagicLama - do not offer him an opt out! Please don't put that last sentence offering him the opportunity to make a lower monthly payment. Don't do it!!!!!

I will be telling him that I do not wish to ruin his life, but that I do not intend to allow the previous situation of him pretending DS doesnt exist to continue. Since he will not take practical involvment, the least he can do is a financial involvement. If the CSA amount will ruin his life, he is free to make me an offer of a monthly payment he feels will not. I will then decide how to proceed.

I don't know why you're giving yourself the heartache to be honest. Don't text him, read and delete his texts, don't engage with him. Let the CSA do their job and let him pay what he should be paying for his son. Don't get into negotiations fgs, you're playing right into his pity party.

You're engaging in some sort of war dance with him and it's only your son that will lose out in the long run.

Krumbrum - no its not his right as a man it's our rights as human beings

It's a pointless argument saying that the man shouldn't have sex then if he doesn't want a baby. Should we expect a baby from every sexual encounter?
Women using their wombs as weapons.. That's what's absurd. Seen it time and time again.

Imagine if a man tried to force a woman into having a baby. They're be uproar.

Would that be the assumption that you can ignore a situation and pretend its not happening in the hope that it'll go away?

OP I think you are mad to engage with the self pitying BS this man has subjected you to. Ultimately it's your choice but I think you should just leave the CSA to deal with him and just get on with supporting your son through the rejection he's faced. If I had a recommendation of s book is give you it but I don't. Hopefully someone can help with that. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Llama, how much of your income goes towards your son? Would it, by any chance, be more than 10%? Yeah, thought so.

A very good post MagicLlamaStrikesBack and a very reasonable attitude to take.

If he doesnt meet you half way then nail him via the CSA.

Thing is, there are so many men, over and over again who dodge their responsibilties re their DCs with the attitude "I wish things had turned out differently, I wish I'd taken different decisions, so I'll just pretend that I did do things differently and hope someone else deals with it all" - yes, he might have prefered the OP to not go through with the pregnancy, but she did have a child with him, so Dr Arse now has to deal with that situation, you don't get to just stop being a parent because you don't want to be. And if the only way he 'parents' is to pay a small percentage of his income (as someone else worked out, we're only talking about 10%) - then he has to do that. If losing 10% of your income when you earn a 6 figure salery 'ruins your life' then you are obviously massively over stretching yourself.

The boy exisits. The boy is this man's son. Who should fund his life? I would suggest the parents. Most parents spend more than 10% of their income on their DCs.

'Women using their wombs as weapons' ?!?!?!? And yes, you should expect pregnancy as a possible outcome of every sexual encounter if you don't take responsibility for contraception. Is that really such a tricky concept to understand?

How is the woman using her womb as a weapon?

Men have no right to penetrative sex. If they decide they want penetrative sex then they have to accept that there might be consequences. Men also have no right to dictate what a woman does with her body after sex. They have no right to expect that an accidental pregnancy will end in abortion because it's what they want. It is a risk they must willing to live with if they chose to have intercourse. As we women need to take that risk knowing that ultimately it could lead to pregnancy and then the trauma of childbirth or abortion.

Again as a doctor he should be well aware of the risks of contraceptive failure and if he was so against having another child he could have used a condom on top of the pill, then he would not be in this position. You'd have to be bloody unlucky to have the pill and condom fail, I'm not saying it could never happen, but the risks would be reduced even further. He chose not to take that option. Now he needs to deal with the consequences.

The law recognises this, it's only the fuckwits, sorry, boys (I won't use the term men, because men don't behave this way) that need to catch on.

Dooin But what if it is? What if hes spending all his disposable income on his holidays and his fish. What if my £375 pushes him into the abyss of nothing being able to afford the stuff he does now? Its easy to say well have less holidays or something, but is he going to resent DS for that?

Schnarkle I dont know either, I just dont want to be that horrible cow that ruined his life. I just , I dont even know. Im pissed off with myself.

Magic, as a consultant, Dr Arse can earn way more than £375 for an hour's private work. He will not suddenly be unable to feed his fish! He's not willing to give your son an hour of his time but he can certainly work an hour a month to cover this cost. He's playing you Magic, and you are letting your guilt get in the way of seeing his pity party as exactly what it is. A pathetic attempt to continue to avoid any responsibility whatsoever.

MagicLama - have you lost your mind? He resents you and your DS - regardless. Asking for a fair financial contribution to the child you both made's upkeep isn't going to change that. He can't really behave any worse towards either of you.

The fact that he already has a court order in place with his ex-wife speaks volumes. You don't get to court without one side not being prepared to compromise. I wonder who that might have been?

Why do you care what Dr Arse thinks of you?

Do you know im just going round in circles again. I had a plan I was going to ignore him and just leave it, yet now I am again here confused and wondering just how selfish I am being.

Ive just been speaking to a friend, and shes pointed out its not even actually £375 extra that hes paying out.

Its £250 per month extra

With my claim he will be paying £375 for 4 kids via the CSA, thats £1500.

That £1500 is current split between 3 kids, so each receives £500.

£1000 to his ex wife
£500 to the other woman.

His ex wife gets a fixed amount per month including what the CSA give. I have no idea what that amount is, but basically she will now only be getting £750 from the CSA not £1000, so hes only having to find an extra £250 to top it back up to the £1000, as "my" amount is included in the £1500 he is currently paying out!!

Stuff him, Stuff it.