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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

618 replies

MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 17/07/2012 10:36

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsBag · 18/07/2012 09:06

EnterShakari the money is not for the woman it is for the child.

If you have sex with somebody it may result in a baby. He is a Doctor FFS he should know this.

shewhowines · 18/07/2012 09:20

It's taken pages and pages of discussion and the already feeling guilty op now has a waivering resolve. Just got to remember OP that there are only two idiots involved in the above debate. Ignore Ignore Ignore. (99% are telling you to take the money for your son). Stick to your guns.

BarbarianMum · 18/07/2012 09:23

EnterShakari - if anyone, man or woman, wants to have sex secure in the knowledge that no pregnancy will result then they need to be sterilized first. Or find a same sex partner.

Otherwise you can take precautions but you are still taking the risk that accidental pregnancy may occur.

Most adults know this.

BarbarianMum · 18/07/2012 09:24

PS OP yes definitely take the money.

captainmummy · 18/07/2012 09:26

Looksto - the OP tried to tell DrArse about the pregnancy. He was the one who 'couldn't deal with it at the time'. He was the one who put it off till 'later'.

The OP has been trying for 7 years to get the Dr to see their son, in lieu of him paying any maintenance. He refuses to, so she is claiming financial security from him instead. If £400 a month is too much, then it is his responsibilty to go backto the CSa and relate his earnings/outgoings, not the OPs.

Or, OP, if he is really struggling to pay such a paltry amount, and the money is not that important to you, maybe suggest he pays half that, £200?

Shakiri - words fail me. A child is a reality and bloody expensive. Why should the mother pay it all? Even if the father doesn't want the child, does not remove his responsility. After all, OP didn;t want the child either, but didn't want to kill it either!
(sorry OP)

TheBigJessie · 18/07/2012 09:30

I really, really don't get this.

I wouldn't hate to be a man, based on this thread. What's so surprising about having to provide for children, planned or unplanned? Just don't take it for granted that your partner will terminate.

As a woman, I don't take it for granted that I could terminate, if I had an unplanned baby, either. (I don't take it for granted that I would necessarily have access to termination services, either, but that's another thread.)

Men are fully capable of communicating, and discussing this kind of stuff, beforehand. Just like women. If anyone doesn't, they're a bit of a twit, but any baby that results is still their responsibility.

I can have, maybe, a bit of sympathy for the OP's ex, because it sounds like it was a time of emotional turmoil. But... To be honest, lots of children are conceived in times of emotional upset, and their parents still take care of them.

I once knew a pro-life man. While we politically disagreed, I did respect him. D'you know, he never ever had sex with a woman who wasn't pro-life? He sat down and discussed the issues in depth, every time. And yet, his penis didn't fall off!

TheBigJessie · 18/07/2012 09:39

If everyone (including women) put up unplanned children for adoption, the orphanages would be overflowing!

Incidentally, in the event my husband and I divorce, and he warps into an irresponsible prat, is our planned child's twin still entitled to financial support from his father?

looktoshinford · 18/07/2012 09:39

The OP didnt want the child? Where does she say that?

She told Dr Arse about the pregnancy but not in a manner that allowed him any part in the decision making process.

I think she only approached Dr Arse when her son asked about his father. Where do you get 'trying to force him for 7 years' from?

With regard the money that everyone seems to be fixating on, OP has already said it has fuck all to do with the money, and everything to do with forcing Dr Arse to engage with the DS he didnt want.

Pretty shameful across the board really. Oh but Dr Arse should just suck it up like a real man according to MN wisdom, because if you put your cock in a woman you are asking for trouble.

Makes me proud.

bananaistheanswer · 18/07/2012 09:46

Eh? The op told dr arse 'in a manor that didn't allow him' any input? How exactly does that work? Was he gagged? Did he suddenly lose the ability to engage brain with mouth and, you know, speak to the OP?

sparkybabe · 18/07/2012 09:47

She used contraception. She went to an Abortion clinic. She told Dr Arse about the pregnancy while he was involved with his dying partner,and didn't want to deal with it then. (Like it'll wait a few months/years). She was Pregnant FFS.

That was then. Now she has maintained the child for 7 years.

SHe says in her OP that Dr Arse has seen the child about 5 times in the last year, and that the child is now 7. She wants him to know his father, and the child also wants to know him. She has not claimed any money from him, in the hope that he will acknowledge the child.

But he hasn't. She put in a claim to the CSa to try to persuade him to either see the child, or pay for him. Quite rightly. He has a responsiblity, whether he wanted the child or not. So does OP.

nothingoldcanstay · 18/07/2012 09:49

How many mothers do pay it all though? Most get some help from the state. That's to allow women to make a choice and not be dependent on the father's decision.
I agree with the concept that men should pay but at the moment that has no effect on how much the taxpayer has to fork out (as some posters have argued). How is it fair to have both the taxpayer and the father paying out especially as many women go on to find new partners.

If you want to go on and have a child on your own you need to make the decision to raise it within the constraints. Whether that be finding a well paying job, help from the state or money from the father. I don't think it's right to expect that when both of you have had sex for sex, not procreation, to then expect the man be a father -women clearly have choices in 2012. Even if you don't take the morning after pill or agree with abortion you still have choices to keep or not and the state does provide accommodation and money to exist on so you can bring up a baby alone.

Get the money put into bank account in your son's name. It'll save acrimony.

TheBigJessie · 18/07/2012 09:51

Oh god, this is going to turn into rent-a-dictionary, isn't it?

bananaistheanswer · 18/07/2012 09:53

And how many women actually try and go through with a termination of a child they want? Given that the OP went through all of that alone, with no support, she wasn't going through the motions to fool her ex, was she? He refused to engage with her at any point. Really, the excuses being put across in support of a man who actively engaged in unprotected sex and then simply ignored the outcome, are laughable. Seriously laughable, if it wasn't for the fact that there is an innocent child who is suffering due to the selfish fuckwittery of the plank who willingly helped to conceive him.

Thumbwitch · 18/07/2012 10:02

Magicllama - if you're still bothering with this thread, and tbh I wouldn't blame you if you're not - please just stick to your guns and let the CSA do what they're supposed to, heaven knows they don't always manage it!

Your DS has every right to have some financial support from his sperm donor, regardless of the wringing-hand-oh-poor-man types on here.

Ignore them.

looktoshinford · 18/07/2012 10:09

bananaistheanswer - he didnt 'willingly helped to conceive him' though, did he?

He had sex for sex sake in a casual short term fling with a woman who said she was on the pill. Humans have sex for pleasure as well as procreation, the last time I checked.

As nothingold says, its 2012 for fuks sake. There are options available after contraception mistakes. OP decided not to take them, without consulting with Dr Arse on her decision when he could have influenced it, and so she brings up the child. Its pretty simple to understand.

And until recently she was doing just this, with no financial issues. But because she didn't like that her DC1 didn't know his father, she decided DC2 wasnt going the same way and forced her way into Dr Arses life.

Tough luck for Dr Arse and his relationship/job/financial security. It seems what he wants or the impact on him doesn't matter. Hes a rich doctor - he can fucking afford it. (probably a tax dodger too!)

Sallyingforth · 18/07/2012 10:10

I hope the OP stopped reading this thread several pages ago.
She asked for advice and got plenty of sensible replies, all agreeing with what she had to do to secure her son's future.
Let's hope she does it and is not influenced by all the more recent and increasing pointless arguments

looktoshinford · 18/07/2012 10:10

Perhaps Magicllama was looking for an honest answer, Thumbwitch.

This is AIBU after all.

Thumbwitch · 18/07/2012 10:12

Honest? Or biased and with an agenda? Big difference.

bananaistheanswer · 18/07/2012 10:18

Lookto, you seem to be reading something other that what has been posted by the OP. You say she had options. So did he. She used contraception, he didnt. She tried to get the man to discuss the situation, he refused. She tried to go through with a termination, alone, and the couldn't go through with it. He could have been there, but didn't want to know. Her final option would be to put the child up for adoption. Given that she couldn't go through with a termination, that's hardly going to be her next move.

The bottom line is this Dr Arse had every chance to do something other than have sex, not use contraception or ignore the fact him having sex had resulted in a pregnancy. He willingly helped conceive that child because he willingly had sex without taking any precautions to prevent that happening. And yet still you think the OP has only herself to blame for this situation?

AmberLeaf · 18/07/2012 10:18

I stopped reading at page 4 after OPs heartbreaking post about her son asking after his 'dad'

I see the shit dad apologists have descended.

Hell yes take the money.

SoupDragon · 18/07/2012 10:24

"because if you put your cock in a woman you are asking for trouble."

Charming.

If you have sex, even if you use contraception, you accept the risk that it may result in a pregnancy. If you can't accept that risk, don't have sex.

bringbacksideburns · 18/07/2012 10:32

Yeah, all you CSA superdads are right!

Do you know what? She forced him to have sex with her. She was taking contraception and it failed.
He's a very comfortably off Consultant who didn't protect himself aswell, but that doesn't matter because we all know that's the sole responsibilty of women ,and contraception is always 100% safe and works 100% of the time. So that's her fault.

Then the selfish entitled cow can't go through with an abortion and goes on to have the baby, and the wronged comfortably off Consultant takes the time off his busy schedule, to remind her he doesn't want the baby, and has no interest in it whatsoever, just after she's given birth. So that's her fault.

Then the years pass in which she tries to encourage but never force the comfortably off Consultant to grow a heart and pass time with his child occasionally and get to know him so he meets him a few times, in the middle of his busy schedule, and whilst supporting all his other children, which is really unfair as he's the innocent party in all this. So that's her fault.

Then the comfortably off Consultant finally realises she is in fact ruining his life and he is just not going to spend any more of his valuable time on this child he has never asked to be born and was tricked into having. So she decides to contact the CSA because she is nasty and vindicative. He realises he can no longer afford to feed his fish, his partner is going to leave him, he is going to have to reorganise the finances for his other kids and he is going to lose his house and his job and end up in a cardboard box on the side of the road. So that's all her fault too.

Yeah, on second thoughts i think OP should just text back the comfortably off Consultant with the heart of gold, who has been so cruelly exploited, and tell him she in no way wants to be responsible for his fish dying, his Gym membership being cancelled and his partner leaving him and that she has seen sense.
He is absolved completely from having anything to do with the son who would love a relationship with him, and she is just going to go back to being a passive good little woman he can dismiss with a flick of his hand.
Why should she get a piece of the pie. She doesn't deserve it because it's all her fault.

FreudianSlipper · 18/07/2012 10:32

oh dear i had a feeling this thread would turn

it saddens me that some still see that a woman having control over their own body is having control over ex partners. it is not it is about responsibility and being responsibile for yourself and your actions

putting a child up for adoption is something that is not taken lightly and is a very responsible thing to do if you were to feel you were unable to parent your child, again this is taking responsibility

TheBigJessie · 18/07/2012 10:33

"Options"? How mealy-mouthed. How very not pro-choice.
Morning-after-pill was irrelevant. If you're on the pill, then you won't know in time to take that. I doubt any pharmacist would sell the MAP to a woman who was on the pill!
(We don't even actually have abortion-on-demand in this country!)

shewhowines · 18/07/2012 10:33

There will always be some women who "take men to the cleaners" for the wrong reasons, but it is not fair to let this small minority of women "taint" the actions of the majority, who want only what is right and just for their children. Most women are not out for revenge, they just want the lives of their children to be as good as "both parents" can manage. The CSA calculate a fair % of a mans wage to help that.

Yes there are some obnoxious women out there just as there are men. Each case should be judged on its own merits. In the OPs case there is no doubt Dr Arse lives up to his name. Perhaps being very generous here looks wife was the female equivalent to Mr Arse but I sure am glad not to know anybody with his (and his couple of supporters) ignorant views.