To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

Looktoshineford, do you think men should be able bully women into termination then? Do you not think they should have any rights over their own bodies.

Anyway OP - hope it works out - I seem to have painted you out as a horror when I'm sure that's not true.

Good luck and take the money for your DS!

Nite!

The thing is I can feel sympathy for men and women in this situation. Getting pregnant/someone you fucked getting pregnant when you thought you had used adequate contraception has got to be scary, mother or father.

It must be horrible for men to know that they have no control over the women's choice to terminate or not. Especially if they are estranged from the mother.

It is a tough situation to be in.

But the sympathy stops if when a child is born the man doesn't make the most of the situation he finds himself in. If he doesn't at that point step up to his emotional and financial responsibilities. Because as much as he didn't ask for a child, the child didn't ask to be born. If you are someone's parent you have to step up. If you don't. Well there are no words to adequately describe that person to be honest.

bogey

one of my kids born within marrige planned pregnancy acheived due to medical intervention (my husband had a reversal paid for by me)
as soon as we part company he has no desire to fund child is happy to see him when he fancys but i get a fiver a week via csa due to army pension being treated as a benefit am still waiting for a variation as he forgot to tell them he still owned the company i started up and it does very well.
apparently thats ok as well because he broke up with me and just dosnt feel like maintaining his child

sleep well lookto......

If you read the OPs posts, she writes, that when she discovered that she was pregnant, she contacted 'DrArse'. He didn't want to talk. There was no discussion, and no voicing of opinions.
As for "all that shit about contraception", if you read the OPs posts, she was on the pill. Which goes a long way to absolving her of any responsibility. What precautions did the father take?

Exactly soccp...

Force women to have children they dont want?

Yeah. They are called the Catholic Church.

lookto

she did inform him when she found out he was not intrested.

so what form do you think his right to be consulted should have taken? should she have asked him if it was ok to continue with the pregnancy and if he said no just terminate and if she didnt then he is absolved of everything?

go on then how much did the csa stiff otherwise known as ask you to pay towards your child/rens upkeep you for or whom ever in your family resents paying maintainance?

I'm sorry it's devolved into this, OP. Don't take any of it personally.

There is, and was, nothing wrong with your decision. And I hope your little boy loves those music lessons!

looktoshinford, I'd like to ask you a couple of things:

1. You seem to suggest that the OP, having become pregnant after a failure of contraception, should have had a termination rather than carrying on with the pregnancy (you said, for example, 'Dr Arse is facing up to the consequences of the OPs actions as she was the one who decided to keep the child'). However, if the situation were the other way round (in a hypothetical case), and a pregnant woman sought a termination when the man involved wanted 'to keep the child' - should that woman then be prevented from having a termination? In other words, does a potential father have the right to decide what the woman he has impregnated does with her pregnancy?

2. The OP (who is, in fact, after emotional rather than financial support) has said she is able to raise her son, day to day, without financial input from his father (although any such financial input would provide the child with comfort now, or a safety net for the future). However, if that wasn't the case - if the mother was living solely on state benefits rather than having a job - would you still think the father should have no responsibility for the child? Financially and emotionally?

I haven't read all the posts since last night, but I was thinking about this as I was going to bed and I'd like to state that IF I were a man earning £74-110,000 a year, even if a woman had impregnated herself with my sperm that she had got from a used condom a la Liz Jones, (which the OP didn't), and even if I couldn't stand this ex of mine . . . I would still not quibble about £375 a month to support a child because

a. It's not very much compared to my earnings

b. The child - however I feel about its mother - is my flesh and blood

c. It's the right thing to do.

You have to be a special kind of arsehole to kick off about an amount like that when you are earning what he is.

Yes Enter you do have the right. The right to keep it in your trousers!
As I already posted:
she used contraception.
she attempted to discuss the pregnancy with him. He told her to get lost.
she attempted a termination. Alone. With no support. She couldn't do it.
she has accepted, supported and case for the consequences of her actions.
he Had unprotected sex with the OP. fully knowing the consequences, having fathered 3 other children.
he offered no opinion or support, through the termination that she attempted, or during the following seven years.
he draws a six figure salary, but has made no contribution to his child for seven years!
He doesn't deserve sympathy!

Enter - try rephrasing:

A child has no moral or legal right to any emotional or financial support from his or her father or mother if they were conceived accidentally and the adult/adults in question don't want to take responsibility for their offspring?

Shame on you!

Selfish selfish selfish

Thread seems to have gone a bit skewiff!

OP, I was in a similar situation, exh with no involvement, I didn't contact the csa until my financial situation changed and I really did need the support.

Change your phone number, stop communicating with him. He doesn't want to see his son, so you don't need to be in contact with him. I have no idea where my exh lives, works, nothing. I don't need to know, and the CSA ensures he pays for his kids.

If the CSA took ages to actually contact him, when they had all the info they needed, you can complain. The CSA took a year to actually start claiming from my exh, and they ended up paying me compensation to the value I missed in lost payments.

Also, fish can be quite expensive - though I suspect his partner is really on the verge of leaving him because he is a childish prat!

I agree too, if a man doesn't want kids, he 'sticks something on the end of itttt' a la Jeremy Kyle

These nay Sayers... Who do you suggest supports these children?... The tax payer?

The woman should support it. It's her decision to have it after all and should be her financial responsibility.

What if the condom breaks for instance?

Women have men in a noose over this. Absolutely ridiculous. We fight for equal rights and then go running to the men when we want money for something that we chose to take responsibility for.

Shagmund - if a woman wanted to absolve responsibility for her child she can put it up for adoption. She has that choice.

The man can't though however and has to deal with whatever decision the woman makes.

So basically women can absolve all responsibility all questions asked but if a man wants to then he's labelled an irresponsible monster.

No questions*

EnterShikari your contention that 'men have no rights whatsoever when it comes to this' is incorrect. That's because they have the absolute legal right not to be emotionally involved in the child's upbringing. No court in the country would or could force a man to see a child against their wishes. This is a right that men have, and it is not an insignificant one.

Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for looktoshinford to tell us exactly how this £375 a month could in any way damage Dr Arse's career?

The man only pays 10% of his income. The child costs far more, so the woman does end up taking most of the responsibility. I think the cases where both a condom breaks AND the man wanted an abortion are like to be few and far between. Should all men be allowed to walk away from their children to protect these few cases?

I left my exh because he was violent. His contact with his children was subject to him exerting control over me. Once I moved away, contact ceased. Should I have to raise our children single handedly? One of the children is disabled, so I can't even seek paid employment. Who should pay for our children?

FWIW, while I was single, had I claimed CSA, it would have been deducted from the the state benefits I received, so saving the tax payers' money. Why should the state be paying, after all?

The option of putting a child up for adoption is a hell of a lot harder than the man's choice to walk away and leave a child with it's mother. It's hardly comparable.

Also, if it's the same choice, and a woman decided to absolve responsibility and put her child up for adoption because she didn't want to pay for it, I think she would be branded an irresponsible monster too! Same as a man.

Well hopefully (4th time lucky) it will be a lesson to him, don't have sex unless you're prepared for the consequences.