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Original poster

To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

618 replies

MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 17/07/2012 10:36

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 18/07/2012 00:00

There IS no way that a man can force a woman to stay pregnant if she doesn't wish to, if she wishes to have a termination. Because women have autonomy over their own bodies. And a termination happens to the WOMAN'S body, not the Man's.

So I am unable to answer your somewhat perplexing question, lookingtoshinford.

A man has choices. If he abstains from those decisions, he cannot also choose to abstain from anything that happens as a consequence.

Every action has a consequence. His action of having sex without taking control of his fertility has resulted in the consequence of him becoming a father and being financially responsible for that child.

He SHOULD be taking an emotional responsibility for that child too, but he is so morally bankrupt that this is incredibly unlikely.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 18/07/2012 00:05

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bananaistheanswer · 18/07/2012 00:07

What exactly is there to feel sympathy for though Outraged? 2 adults engage in having sex, with the possibility that this could result in pregnancy. 2 adults have to deal with that reality when it happens. 1 adult actually does deal with the consequences of the failure of contraception, the other does not. And you feel sympathy for someone who cannot get their head around that reality within the 9 months it takes for the baby to arrive? And beyond that 9 months too? How long do you feel that sympathy? I just cannot get my head around anyone feeling sorry for a bloke who doesn't want to be a father, yet actually does the one thing that could make him a father without taking the necessary precautions. Sympathy isn't what I feel towards those fathers who cannot 'deal' with the consequences of their own actions.

inabeautifulplace · 18/07/2012 00:12

Having been the man in a new relationship with a pregnant girlfriend, I will say it's no picnic for either party in the early stages. I have vivid memories of a particular conversation where one had to convince the other that they weren't a total shit and would take responsibility. I think we all know which way round that discussion was and that's a poor reflection on society.

CouthyMow · 18/07/2012 00:13

Even my not medical school capable Ex-P who earns £16,800 a year knew that he would have to take financial responsibility for any children that happened as a result of him having sex without a condom.

And I'll give him that, he does. And the OP's Ex and lookingtoshinford make my emotionally abusive Ex-P that will only have 52 nights a year with our 8yo and 6 nights a year with our 17mo look like a candidate for father of the year!!

bogeyface · 18/07/2012 00:13

ina I hope it worked out for you. And you are right, it is a poor reflection on society that it is assumed that a man in your situation will just fuck off and leaver her to it, because it happens to often :(

looktoshinford · 18/07/2012 00:16

Whats perplexing about it? Surely there is some category of abusers who do this?

Force women to have children they dont want?

And whether that is by locking them in a room tied to a bed, or by removing their right to have a say in it by presenting it as a fait accompli makes no odds to the outcome really. Someone ends up looking after or paying for a child they didnt want, knowing full well the other party is mostly responsible for the situation.

Socknickingpixie · 18/07/2012 00:16

ina im guessing it was you telling the pregnant ex that you would take responsability?

looktoshinford · 18/07/2012 00:16

Calm down Saggy, dear.

bogeyface · 18/07/2012 00:19

Look but then you are bringing rape, kidnap, physical, emotional and financial abuse into it. Having an unwanted child is not the only part of that abuse is it?

A man having consensual sex with a woman without a condom, when he knows what might happen is hardly the same and it is frankly laughable that you are suggesting otherwise.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/07/2012 00:20

lookto
DrA is entirely responsible for where he chose to ejaculate...

bogeyface · 18/07/2012 00:20

Is quoting a crap insurance ad really the best come back you have?
Oh dear......{smirks}

Socknickingpixie · 18/07/2012 00:21

lookto
stop being a compleate twat and actually say what you mean,its ok im pretty sure we allready know what you mean by saying 'removing his right to have a say in it' but lets just go for it shall we?

stop beating around the bush actually state what right you feel he has.

and whilst your at it please try and explain exactly how one party is more responsable than the other when it takes both to have sex

looktoshinford · 18/07/2012 00:24

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SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 18/07/2012 00:25

What about the abuse involved in having unprotected sex with someone, which you know could result in a pregnancy, when you have absolutely no intention of supporting the other person or the potential child in any way whatsoever.
I'd call that deception, deceit and fraud. If we are giving out labels...

Krumbum · 18/07/2012 00:26

I'm not sure what nay Sayers want women to do. Just terminate a pregnancy if the man doesnt want a baby and keep a baby they don't want if the decides he wants the baby? Confused
These are women's bodies we are talking about, having an abortion can be incredibly traumatic as can giving birth and being the main care giver if you don't want it.
We can't put what happens to our bodies and lives into the hands of someone else.
We have a solution to the problem that is very easy to use though. CONTRACEPTION! If a man doesn't want a baby then they can choose to use protection or not have penetrative sex. If you choose to have sex then you run the risk of having a baby. If you do have a baby then you have to face up to your responsibility and look after that child. Women do it every day! Why when a man is expected to do the minimum for their own child is that seen as outrageous and poor him. We don't ever get 'poor her' when woman are paying for everything and doing all the childcare! Why are men treated as gods for doing the bare minimum?

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 18/07/2012 00:27

And I'm quite calm thank you. and you're still a twat

inabeautifulplace · 18/07/2012 00:27

Worked out perfectly thanks bogey, happily married with a fantastic baby. I was a bit shocked at her reaction to be honest.

Socknickingpixie · 18/07/2012 00:30

out of intrest how long would one parent have to express their desire to not be responsable for a life, at first hearing of the news? after hes had a think about it for a bit? does he get to decide after child is born? can he change his mind?
and would it matter if it was planned by both but one decided ages later that nope ive changed my mind?

AllYoursBabooshka · 18/07/2012 00:30

looktoshinford

If you had it your way, What would be the consequences for men who went round fathering numerous unwanted children then refusing to pay for them with the defense "She could always have had an abortion"

Abortion is not a form of contraception.

Sex is not a right it's a choice, One that you should make comfortable in the knowledge that it could end in a pregnancy.

looktoshinford · 18/07/2012 00:34

"stop beating around the bush actually state what right you feel he has."

The same right as anyone. The right to be consulted on something utterly life changing when the OP found out she was pregnant. Not 'later' when it was too late for his opinion to have made any difference.

Such is her right. But then dont come crying foul when hes not interested 7 years later. Or go destroying his existing relationship.

All that shit about contraception, shouldnt have put his cock in etc just absolves her of any responsibility, but she is responsible because she made the decision on her own.

bogeyface · 18/07/2012 00:35

Sock my best friends ex decided that he was fine when they were TTC, fine during the pregnancy, fine afterwards. Except when it got a bit difficult, like when the baby had colic, then it was "YOu wanted the baby, YOU look after it, I never wanted it"

So, it seems that it can be anytime that he likes. So no, we definitely cant win.

thedogsrolex · 18/07/2012 00:36

Guilty as charged of skimming the thread but I get the gist, harpy bitch has trapped a nice gentleman. Well here's a thought..take responsibility for your own actions men. Don't make babies in the first place. You have a choice, use contraception...since when was it a woman's responsibility? If she says she's using contraception and you have reason to doubt it, or even to make sure, use your own too, because any woman who is genuine wont have a problem with that. It aint rocket science.

Thumbwitch · 18/07/2012 00:36

Here's a thing - I have a friend who had a 2 week relationship with a girl, heavily fuelled by alcohol. She got pg, told him she would be terminating, he didn't hear anything from her until about 10m later when she told him she'd had the baby and it was his.

Of course he didn't want to accept it straight off, apart from anything else it was a bit of a shock, he'd pretty much forgotten about it! But he did.

Where is this child now? He has her. He and his DP have full responsibility for her, pay everything for her etc. because her mother decided that she couldn't cope and fecked off.

THAT is how REAL men behave - they take responsibility for their actions, however careless they were in the first place. Dr Arse isn't a real man. He's just a walking cock.

bogeyface · 18/07/2012 00:39

WOAAH!!!!

Its now the OPs fault that his relationship is failing too?!

Sounds to me like the fiancee was very nice and understanding, as was his family, and I rather suspect that it the fiancee seeing his true colours that has wrecked his relationship (if that is indeed true).

Oh and putting other people down is a sign of low self esteem and damaged personality, so stop it there's a good chap. You're just looking silly now :)