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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

618 replies

MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 17/07/2012 10:36

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

OP posts:
OctopusSocktopuss · 17/07/2012 21:25

Op really you must not wibble

This money will make a huge difference to your life.
my ex constantly tries to get me to drop the CSa claim, you need to think about the level of manipulation he will put you under each month you have to ask him for any money you privately agree.

That's what the CSa is for. To distance yourself from this

Frontline · 17/07/2012 21:26

you have revealed a lot in this thread

id delete in case he sees it

SecretPlace · 17/07/2012 21:27

Yes they should, because to be honest I've seen many a man get fucked over by women. Not allowed to see the child due to new boyfriends etc but still want money...

Man gets no choice in the matter whether he wanted the baby ornnot

needaholidaynow · 17/07/2012 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bananaistheanswer · 17/07/2012 21:33

Man gets no choice in the matter whether he wanted the baby ornnot

Oh please! No choice? None? Not even 'do I have sex or not?' Hmm

Socknickingpixie · 17/07/2012 21:43

dont delete in all fairness this thread could describe shed loads of scumbags and what does it matter if he sees it.

secretplace so do you think he shouldnt maintain his child at the same income % as any other nrp with the same ammount of children and step children? not flaming just asking

Krumbum · 17/07/2012 21:43

No do not waver. The csa wont take so much someone loses their house. It is means tested, they will take a fair amount. You have had to pay for EVERYTHING and he's whining about a tiny amount to support HIS son. He should be paying much more in fact than the csa will make him pay but he can at least pay that for a child he created. He chose to have a child then he needs to pay for that child. He should also be taking care of his child but sadly the csa can't force that. Don't let him get away with not paying it, he's spinning you a sob story because he it too selfish and immature to look after his own child.

holyfishnets · 17/07/2012 21:48

Take it - your son is his responsibility too and the least he can do is give such a small amount each month. He is trying it on with you at the mo, he is trying to appeal to your soft side in order to benefit himself and back out of his responsibilities.

Original poster
MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 17/07/2012 21:50

See its comments like secrets that are going round in my mind and making me waver. Not that ive let him know that.

He didnt choose to have DS. I was on the pill, we thought it was safe. FOr whatever reason the pill failed, and I was left with a unwanted and accidental pregnancy. I chose to continue. I didnt discuss it with him. I didnt ask him his opionion, I presented it with him au fait. Ta da ... a baby.

Does that lack of choice mean hes absolved of the responsibility of DS? For how long? 1 year, 2 years, forever?

Is it my responsibility if the financial payments for my DS "take him to the cleaners"?

Because its those very issues that have led me not to set the CSA on him for this long, it was only because I got soooooo irate that I did it. Im surprised with myself that so far ive managed to stick to it to be honest.

OP posts:
holyfishnets · 17/07/2012 21:50

375 is nothing to a doctor! What utter rubbish he is telling you. That measly amount won't put him on the bread line!

looktoshinford · 17/07/2012 21:55

I've read the whole thread, and I agree with SecretPlace.

OP has spent pages justifying her actions to herself because she knows deep down she is messing Dr Arse up good and proper, possibly threatening his career and definitely threatening his relationship.

I'm wondering at what point he had a say in any of this? Other than of course, when he put his dick in.

He doesn't want to see his DS - he has made that very clear. And probably did right at the start when the OP dropped the bombshell. She chose to have the child.

Well done though OP - looks like your DC will be sorted financially if any of the gold digging disgraceful crap posted on this thread about his salary is true.

Snorbs · 17/07/2012 21:58

Man gets no choice in the matter whether he wanted the baby ornnot

Yup. Which is why a man who is sure he doesn't want children will take steps to ensure that the failure of a single method of contraception will not result in a child. Particularly when a) that particular method of contraception is known not to be 100% effective, b) when you already have several other children and so, presumably, you've worked out how they're made, and c) when you're a fucking doctor who will therefore know (a) and (b) better than most.

FriendofDorothy · 17/07/2012 22:00

I am yet to work out how it would threaten his career. Whilst the OP said she presented him with a faith acomplit he also was involved right from the beginning. Whether he wants to see the child or not he should contribute to his keep.

EnterShikari · 17/07/2012 22:01

The baby was never discussed with him until you had it? Wow! That's terrible. And now you want money...

holyfishnets · 17/07/2012 22:02

I know he doesn't want to be apart of sons life but can you involve his family and bother less with ex?

The fact of the matter is that DS is his - accident or not. DS is half his responsibility - accident or not. Being a Doctor he must know that the pill isn't 100% reliable. It's about 99% I think? Your son is the 1%. The doctor was just unlucky but will have to face his responsibilities.

375 really is nothing to a doctor. Take it for your sons sake. The money will clothe him, feed him, keep him

TheBigJessie · 17/07/2012 22:03

How much did you choose? It was an unplanned pregnancy for you, as well.

I hear a lot abou how men are "taken to the cleaners" but I hear little of the same men insisting on doubling up contraception with the next girlfriend, or even discussing what they would do if there was a contraceptive failure. Being "taken to the cleaners" is what happens when you have children. Men and women both! It seems odd to me that in my personal experience the men who complain about child-induced poverty seem to make the same mistake twice, thrice, or more!

EnterShikari · 17/07/2012 22:04

And yeah men don't get a say, even if they don't want a baby it's still the woman's decision ultimately. So if an accident happens and the mum wants it, well they're screwed.

If I got pregnant now with my DP and he didn't want it and we split up, I wouldn't want a penny off him and I wouldn't acknowledge him.
He has a right to a choice too.

holyfishnets · 17/07/2012 22:04

Also he could have used condoms to ensure that he was safer - not just the pill

Olympicnmix · 17/07/2012 22:13

Agree with Snorbs.

He clearly is blessed with fecundity and, after fathering 3 other children, really ought to have put a muzzle on his super-sperm.

TheBigJessie · 17/07/2012 22:13

Women have no duty to terminate. (Do you know, some men always check their partners' views on abortion prior to penis-in-vagina sex? Like sensible human beings.)

Original poster
MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 17/07/2012 22:15

EnterShikari No i didnt just present him with a baby. I found out I was pregnant, I told him, he was with his his ex who was dying and he didnt want to deal with me. I felt he had enough shit of his plate without me hassling him about a baby who wasnt born yet, so no I didnt contact him again until I went into labour. Incidentally he works/worked at the same hospital I has DS2 in, and he came in after I had DS to helpfully tell me he hadnt changed his mind he still wanted nothing to do with him as his priorty was his partner.
The ta da .. baby was me being flippant!

OP posts:
TheEternalOptimist · 17/07/2012 22:19

Hey, just wait a minute.

Both of them decided to have sex. She was on the pill and it failed. As a doctor, he knew the risks of this happening, but decided not to protect further by using a condom.

A baby was conceived.

Why the fuck should she then have to do everything? He has already made clear that he has no interest in her son, so she is left to bring her son up alone, which she has been doing for the past 7 years.

It takes two to make a baby and until now he has ignored his responsibility.

Magic
Don't allow idiotic comments to cause you to doubt yourself. You are NOT being unreasonable. You are not jeopardising his career or ruining his life by asking for £375 a month.

Does he know you use MN? If so, I would think about having the thread deleted and starting a new one with less identifying details so that you still get the support you need.

inabeautifulplace · 17/07/2012 22:20

OP, it's your responsibility to make sure that your child is cared for. It's the CSAs responsibility to make sure that both parents pay a financial contribution.

I don't think its in the best interests of the child or society to force inadequate parents into contact. I also think it's very dangerous to link financial responsibility to whether a child is wanted or not.

EnterShikari · 17/07/2012 22:21

The eternal - maybe because she was the one who decided she wanted to keep it... (sorry for calling your child an 'it' OP, I don't recall what gender you said and phone won't let me scroll through)

Frontline · 17/07/2012 22:22

DELETE in case he sees this and uses it against you in any claim or legal action.

SERIOUSLY