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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re taking stepson on holiday

205 replies

Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 18:36

We have 2 DC's together and DH has a son. He is 14 (nearly 15). He has always been involved in our life and we see him a lot. Probably a lot less these last few years as he prefers to be out with friends. Relations with his Mum are good and all in all (comparing to some friend and what I read on here) we all get along very well. DH is a great Dad to all 3 children.

We have always taken DSS on holiday with us when we have been lucky to go. However this year we just can't afford for 5 of us to go. We can afford for 4 of us. Those of you with 3 or more children will know how much more expensive it is to take more than the standard 2 adults and 2 children.

So, our dilemma is. Do we go without him, knowing that he may not have a holiday this year. (don't know if it is relevant but he went last year with his Mum). Or do we not go at all, so no one gets a holiday?

I do realise that we are lucky to afford a holiday at all. DH works very hard to support us all and we do go without other things to afford a holiday?

DH is torn. He loves DSS so much and can't bear leaving him out, but doesn't want his other DCs to miss out.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/04/2012 18:37

Go for a cheaper/shorter holiday?

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 18:38

It is cheap/short!!

OP posts:
thegreylady · 14/04/2012 18:40

I think you must try to find a holiday for all of you.It may involve camping in France or self catering in UK or a cheap package deal but your dh has 3 dc not 2.It has to be all or none I'm afraid.
I have 3dsc and 2 dc and we always treated them equally.

catsareevil · 14/04/2012 18:40

What is the DSS expecting? If he is 15 and spending a lot of time with his mates then getting to stay home may actually be what he would prefer.

PandaNot · 14/04/2012 18:40

No you don't go without him if he's always gone with you before! If all 3 children were 'yours' you wouldn't leave one at home would you? Go somewhere cheaper or not for as long.

Beamur · 14/04/2012 18:40

If he usually goes with you, how would you justify going without him?
I'd agree with NannyOgg - maybe consider a holiday you can do where you all go, even if that means somewhere less nice or shorter.
Ever since I've been with DP I've put up with crap holidays as that is all we can afford! (2 DSC's and one of our own)

Triggles · 14/04/2012 18:41

IMO, we'd either all go or none go (or better option, choose something that you can afford for all to go). If you had 3 children that were "jointly yours" (for lack of a better way to put it), would you leave one at home because you could only afford to take 2 of them? Probably not. Same applies here. Regardless of where he lives, he is part of the family and deserves to be included.

Inertia · 14/04/2012 18:41

Why can't you go on a different holiday that you can afford, even if it's camping/ weekend away? It'd be really horrible to not at least give your DSS the option.

I have 3 half-siblings and 2 full siblings. My dad and stepmother would never have dreamed of leaving any of us out of holidays as children.

bagelmonkey · 14/04/2012 18:41

I don't think you can exclude him, sorry. Can his mum contribute?

Beamur · 14/04/2012 18:41

Ten fricckin' years of bloody camping!!

Mama1980 · 14/04/2012 18:41

I agree I think it must be all of you go or no one think would be very unreasonable to leave out your ss.

DinahMoHum · 14/04/2012 18:42

you cant leave him behind. That would be really mean.

Ratbagcatbag · 14/04/2012 18:44

Agree with all the others, if he has always gone then he should go with you, if you can't afford what you've got planned for five of you, you need to change your plans, looking at it another way he was there first, so why don't you leave you youngest with grandparents and go with older two?? You wouldn't because it doesn't seem fair. What does you DH/DP say? because mine would go ape if I suggested taking me and him (and any future children) but not DSS because we couldn't afford it!

Sorry I think YABVVVVVVVVU

wishiwasonholiday · 14/04/2012 18:44

I think you need to at least ask him if he would go, as others said you wouldn't leave one of the other 2 at home.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2012 18:45

Find a cheaper holiday

I can't believe you're even considering leaving one child behind.

SunshineOutdoors · 14/04/2012 18:46

Agree all or nothing... It could appear to him like he's not as part of the family as his siblings, that could be quite hurtful.

Understand your dilemma though - is there really no alternative where you could all go on holiday? Or talk to his mum about her possibly contributing?

TidyDancer · 14/04/2012 18:47

You definitely can't leave him behind. You find a cheaper holiday or you don't go at all. Like someone else said, if all three were yours, you wouldn't leave one at home to make it cheaper, would you?

ledkr · 14/04/2012 18:48

Why is it him who has to be left out?If you can only take 4 then why not leave one of your dc at home.

I think you know yabvvu,he is dh's son just as much as your children.

boredandrestless · 14/04/2012 18:48

You can't take all but one child on holiday!

We go to Haven every year, you can have 6 people in a big static and it costs the same whether there are 2 people or 6.

I think you need to ask SS if he wants to go on holiday with you all and say you are not sure where you would be going yet - without mentioning finances, and if he says yes then you go for something cheaper, and if he says no then that's been his choice with no guilt trip swaying his decision.

YABU.

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 18:48

I think I know deep down you are all right, which is why we haven't booked anything. I just don't know how much enjoyment he would get out of it. Other DCs are a lot younger.

We asked him and he said he wasn't bothered whether he went or not. He is a nice boy though so probably just trying to say what he thought we wanted to hear.

Of course we couldn't leave a third child that lived with us at home. DSS lives ith his mum tho and sometimes (much to DH dismay) we don't see him for a few weeks. He is never ever in when we call and never answers his phone. Typical teenager!! He wouldn't even notice if we had gone.

The holiday in question is with other family members so can't be changed. We just wouldn't go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 18:54

Thanks for all your comments, but would just like to point out that I haven't said that we are going without him. I am just seeing what people think.

DH loves all his children as I have said, so would rather (as I would) that we all went.

I don't think you can compare it to leaving one of the DCs that live with us at home though as it is slightly different.

Mum has no funds at all to contribute. She has already booked a holiday (foreign) so he will be going on that holiday too.

OP posts:
whostolemyname · 14/04/2012 18:54

You have to take him i'm afraid or not go at all. As others have said, you wouldn't leave out other two so you can't leave him out. Are you sure there is no way you can save up for the extra cost?

Debeez · 14/04/2012 18:54

All or nothing I'm afraid, if like you said it can't be changed. If you're seeing him less and less due to his teenager-like behavior it just makes it all the more important to include him where you can. Last of his childhood years.

Ratbagcatbag · 14/04/2012 18:55

If it's a family holiday, are there going to be others who will need an extra room, so maybe the costs can be shared? so rather than DSS having a room on his own, he maybe shares with another similar aged child (ok don't imagine what they would get up to) which would make it cheaper for everyone?

Debeez · 14/04/2012 18:56

"Do we go without him, knowing that he may not have a holiday this year."

"She has already booked a holiday (foreign) so he will be going on that holiday too."

Has Mum just booked something in response?

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