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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re taking stepson on holiday

205 replies

Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 18:36

We have 2 DC's together and DH has a son. He is 14 (nearly 15). He has always been involved in our life and we see him a lot. Probably a lot less these last few years as he prefers to be out with friends. Relations with his Mum are good and all in all (comparing to some friend and what I read on here) we all get along very well. DH is a great Dad to all 3 children.

We have always taken DSS on holiday with us when we have been lucky to go. However this year we just can't afford for 5 of us to go. We can afford for 4 of us. Those of you with 3 or more children will know how much more expensive it is to take more than the standard 2 adults and 2 children.

So, our dilemma is. Do we go without him, knowing that he may not have a holiday this year. (don't know if it is relevant but he went last year with his Mum). Or do we not go at all, so no one gets a holiday?

I do realise that we are lucky to afford a holiday at all. DH works very hard to support us all and we do go without other things to afford a holiday?

DH is torn. He loves DSS so much and can't bear leaving him out, but doesn't want his other DCs to miss out.

OP posts:
CommanderShepard · 15/04/2012 14:25

My father left my sister and I all the time in favour of taking his new wife and daughter to eg Florida. When we were invited on holiday with them (always in the UK, caravanning - and don't get me wrong, I love caravanning!) all we got during the holiday was how very expensive it was to take us away and how much of a favour they were doing us and that any activities, drinks, ice creams etc would have to be covered by us out of our own pocket money (not provided by them). My sister was 10 at this point. Never have I felt so unwanted and so burdensome as on holidays with my father. Small wonder we haven't spoken in almost 10 years.

No word of a lie, I wish I'd had a stepmother like you. Talk to him honestly - he may not want to come with you but the option should be there. What he does with his mum and stepdad is irrelevant - he's part of your family too.

Rhinosaurus · 15/04/2012 14:26

I would check if he wants to come first, our 15 and 16 years olds spent our holiday last year with faces like slapped arses missing their mates and counting the days till they came home. They have already told us they don't want to come on the family holiday this year ungrateful little bastards

You may be worrying over nothing.

doctordwt · 15/04/2012 14:29

Sounds like you have played your part in building a lovely, supportive blended family OP. Well done, and I am sure that you'll reap the rewards of this from all the children in years to come :)

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 15/04/2012 15:10

randommess top idea.. He has loads of crap stuff he doesn't need.

commander that's very sad to hear. It breaks my heart to hear of DCs being treated like this. Although must admit to telling ALL DCs how much things cost to make them appreciative of what they get. We don't differentiate between them if you see what I mean.

We went to Orlando when he was 10. We wouldn't have dreamed of leaving him behind. He spent a few days in Hollywood studios and Epcot with DH on his own, doing grown up things that he still talks about to this day.

I am secretly sniggering at some suggestions that DH ex should either contribute to my DCs holiday or take them with her. She is nice enough (has minded my DCs on occasion) but could just imagine the reaction I would get if I broached this with her :o

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 15/04/2012 15:16

A cheaper holiday is the answer. It seems odd to ask DP to choose one of his DCs to leave behind-how would you feel if he chose the youngest to leave with grandparents?Hmm

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 15/04/2012 15:27

exoticfruits at no point have I said I've asked DH to choose one child to leave behind, I suggest you read the OP properly. This is a joint decision.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 15/04/2012 15:36

Glad you were able to discuss this with him and he was able to express his true feelings about the whole situation.

I guess as a family, every body has to tighten their belts to make this trip happen.

exoticfruits · 15/04/2012 16:12

I know it is-but I can't think that if you had 3 DCs you would think of leaving one behind because you could only afford to take 2.

daisymaybe · 15/04/2012 16:32

My dad and step-mum would sometimes take me with them and my half brothers, sometimes not. It was pretty devastating.

daisymaybe · 15/04/2012 16:38

And to everyone saying it's "fair" because he gets one with his mum - I don't think you really want to start the fair/unfair conversation where divorce and step families are involved. It's as long as a piece of string.

His dad is his dad, and he deserves to be wanted as much as any half siblings.

2rebecca · 15/04/2012 17:15

I also think that if taking more than "the standard 2 adults 2 children" on holiday is expensive then maybe you and your husband should have stopped when you had 2 kids between you.

perplexedpirate · 15/04/2012 17:39

I was left behind while my mum, brother and stepdad went on holiday. That was about 20 years ago and I'm still disgusted with my mother for letting it happen.

elvisaintdead · 15/04/2012 17:47

YABU!!! We are a blended family and I could not imagine taking just some of the children on holiday, it just wouldn't happen. What parent in their right mind would be happy with their child being left behind, and this is DH's child the same as the others. How do you think he would feel? How would you feel if DH suggested he took the kids and leave YOU behind because it's cheaper?

We have 5 DC and I feel your pain - it is VERY expensive to go away and that is why we tend to go camping or caravanning in this country. I would love to go overseas but have to accept that unless we leave a couple of kids behind (which I wouldn't even THINK about) then it won't happen and at least we do get to have a holiday together.

Sorry but I think yabu to even consider it

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2012 18:07

Which is why the OP and her DH have worked out a way to make sure he goes with them...

Sheesh!

(Well done, OP!)

exoticfruits · 15/04/2012 18:09

Which is very good-but I can't think why they even thought of leaving one of the DCs behind in the first place.

doihavetonamechange · 15/04/2012 18:21

exotic, do you have large age gaps?? because if you do, leaving them behind is going to become a natural progression.

NotaDisneyMum · 15/04/2012 18:22

Crickey - I'm a wicked SM and evil Mum!

DP and I have been on some holidays with both DD and DSS, some on our own and some with just one DC, depending on contact arrangements and other plans Wink no-one has been excluded or otherwise left out - and both DD and DSS have holidays with their other parent as well Smile

Why do families, even blended ones, always have to holiday all together? Confused

I'm sure if the OP had said how sad she was SS couldn't go on their family holiday with them because it clashed with a school trip/mums birthday/job interview, no-one would suggest that they didn't go on holiday in case he felt left out.

Rather than feel aggrieved at not being able to go this year, surely it could be expected that he be grateful for previous holidays? After all, the OPs household are already (presumably) financially contributing to his mums household (and therefore his holidays with her) via CM?

RandomMess · 15/04/2012 18:32

Large age gaps to bring unique issues to family holidays, the potential to spend ££££££££££££££££ and no-one enjoy it become increasingly likely...

Honestly at 14 and onwards I would have bitten my own arm to have got out family holidays - loathed them!

Ratbagcatbag · 15/04/2012 18:34

As I posted originally saying YABU, I wanted to say I'm really chuffed you managed to find a potential solution, ebaying sounds a good option, especially if you explain you will be having a family clear out to fund some of the spending money, and all of you will be having a rummage (car boot season is just getting in full swing)

We give my 13YO DSS £5 per week pocket money, so maybe reduce it, but explain that although things will be included in the holiday he is expected to take some spending money with him to buy crap souveniers so you aren't expected to fork that out. My DSS buys on holiday out of his own money - sweets (hate it but he does), a little present for his mum and stepdad, and arcade visits.

Also how long has he been on contract, I've got an iPhone and rang to cancel my contract, they reduced it from £35 per month down to £13 with pretty much all the same stuff as before (300 mins, unlimited texts, 500mb internet usage etc), so a massive potential saving there.

Pleased he was ok to say that he wanted to go and really pleased you accepted that and are making it work for you all.

doihavetonamechange · 15/04/2012 18:51

random, yes large age gaps cause their own problems, DCs hitting adult prices is often when family hols have to stop, after all, for example, we went AI to Spain (and left eldest DC home), youngest was

doihavetonamechange · 15/04/2012 18:52

sorry hit post, and these sort of large age gaps, although found in lots of families, are more often found in step/blended families.

Northernlurker · 15/04/2012 19:02

Op - just want you to know that I think you've behaved very well over this and your stepson is jolly lucky in ALL his parents Smile

RandomMess · 15/04/2012 19:08

We looked at taking a 4 dc away and it seemed that we'd end up paying for 4 adults and 2 children Confused

We never have been away on a "proper" holiday yet...

exoticfruits · 15/04/2012 19:12

exotic, do you have large age gaps?? because if you do, leaving them behind is going to become a natural progression.

Yes I have. When DS1 was 15yrs his brothers were 7yrs and 5yrs and they were half brothers. While I agree that it is a natural progression and you can quite easily get a situation where you go without the eldest-it needs to come from them. I would have been furious with DH if he had mentioned that we might like to take 2 of our DSs because we couldn't afford all of them!

doihavetonamechange · 15/04/2012 19:15

but thats not a large age gap because there is a middle child, Im talking 10, 12, years between oldest and next DC.