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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re taking stepson on holiday

205 replies

Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 18:36

We have 2 DC's together and DH has a son. He is 14 (nearly 15). He has always been involved in our life and we see him a lot. Probably a lot less these last few years as he prefers to be out with friends. Relations with his Mum are good and all in all (comparing to some friend and what I read on here) we all get along very well. DH is a great Dad to all 3 children.

We have always taken DSS on holiday with us when we have been lucky to go. However this year we just can't afford for 5 of us to go. We can afford for 4 of us. Those of you with 3 or more children will know how much more expensive it is to take more than the standard 2 adults and 2 children.

So, our dilemma is. Do we go without him, knowing that he may not have a holiday this year. (don't know if it is relevant but he went last year with his Mum). Or do we not go at all, so no one gets a holiday?

I do realise that we are lucky to afford a holiday at all. DH works very hard to support us all and we do go without other things to afford a holiday?

DH is torn. He loves DSS so much and can't bear leaving him out, but doesn't want his other DCs to miss out.

OP posts:
clam · 14/04/2012 18:56

Switch this on its head for a moment, and imagine if you had a ds from a previous relationship and your dh suggested not including him in a family trip. Would you be OK with that?

Mrsjay · 14/04/2012 18:57

find a cheaper holiday realistically you have 2/3 more years of your step son wanting to go away with you and you do not want tp build up any resentment at this stage of hi s life , take him go somewhere cheaper , It is unfair if he always goes with you ,

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 18:57

Debeez, that is exactly what DH said - maybe last year with him wanting to come :(

I just find it hard to accept that our other DCs won't get to go on a holiday that I know they would love. Whilst DSS does get a holiday with his mum and stepdad.

Its a difficult situation.

OP posts:
ArtVandelay · 14/04/2012 18:58

Okay... this might be a shit idea but I've had a couple of wines with dinner... (I'm also a step-mum) Can DH stay home with DSS and have some 'man' time and you go with the little ones because you said it was going with other family so you wouldn't be alone. You can't really not take him nor can you rely on him saying he's not bothered. My DSS is 12 and hell would freeze before he's admit to being bothered about anything but he'd sob in his room.

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 19:00

debeez sorry I didn't make that clear. I meant a holiday with us.

We're not bad people honestly, just stuck with this decision.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 14/04/2012 19:00

I have three DCs, I wouldnt leave one behind to fit into smaller/cheaper accomodation.

I do understand the cost pain though.

Could you consider saving the money this year and going on a bigger holiday in a year or so's time? This might well be the last time that you go on holiday with him anyway because of his age (we are having our last full family holiday this year as DD1 is 16 now)

Mrsjay · 14/04/2012 19:00

OP he will notice you have gone without him even if he does say it doesnt matter it will matter deep down you have left him , If you had a 15 yr old that lived with his father would you go without them ? book a week on a campsite so there is something for him to do , or even a friday to monday ,

Debeez · 14/04/2012 19:01

Hugs for you Fedup, my DP is a step daddy to my little boy. It can be a minefield I know. If you DH has said similar to me I don't think going without your DSS would be a good thing, possible upset on part of DH as well as DSS and his DM's side of the family. A minefield but one you seem to be negotiating with care and love.

RandomMess · 14/04/2012 19:02

Hmm is there a school trip or something your DSS would like to go on?

I've had this problem with my eldest (so dh's dsd) I've got 4 dds she is much older, we've taken the little ones twice to stay at my parents house whilst they were away and my eldest didn't come. She has had at least one holiday per year with her Dad every single year, their house was too small for all of us (was pretty hellish as it was), no room in car, very hard to find family activities where she wouldn't have been bored rigid etc etc etc

Very tricky and as teens they do seem to dip in and out of your lives wanting to do all the good things but not share the work of family life Grin

WestWinger · 14/04/2012 19:03

Could you consider not going on the planned large family holiday, but going on a separate holiday, just the five of you. Lots of options on costs etc that way, and then you won't be depriving any of the children a holiday?

Mrsjay · 14/04/2012 19:06

what age are you children are they preschool could you maybe afford to take a holiday before the school holidays start then maybe take your stepson away for a weekend or even his dad and he could go and do something iyswim

FootprintsInTheSnow · 14/04/2012 19:08

Could you have a holiday for the 4 of you - but arrange a separate weekend trip for your DH and DSS at another time? Make it less about him being a step child - and more about him being older & maybe wanting to bond with his Dad on a more adult level. Ideas might be to travel to a sports event together, go and see/help out family (e.g. Paint granny's living room together), going hiking/camping?

Wouldn't have to cost a lt either - with a 15 y.o. you can youth hostel/sofa surf/ camp .

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 19:09

It's me being selfish! I want to go on the family holiday. it's family I don't get to see often. That's probably the crux of the matter. I suppose I was trying to justify it, when I know deep down I can't :(

By the way DSS does go camping cheaply with DH (or he wouldn't get to see him otherwise). They do have quality time together.

randommess that is very true. He is a good lad really, but does tend to want to join in 'the more exciting' things! I don't have a full time teenager though, so they are a bit of an enigma!

OP posts:
FootprintsInTheSnow · 14/04/2012 19:09

Cross posts!

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 19:10

Other DC's are both in primary school, one just reception.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 14/04/2012 19:11

I would have given anything at 14 to be let off family holidays.

It may be that he would prefer to stay at home with his friends.

I think you need to know for sure before you book anything.

If he would like to go it would be very unfair to leave him behind.

RandomMess · 14/04/2012 19:12

I think because it is seeing your family members that you don't otherwise get to see it is something to seriously consider doing.

Could you arrange something that is special for dss - not sure but Alton Towers or thorpe park - something much more teen orientated? If you can have someone look after the littlies perhaps you, dh , dss and dss friend could go together?

Do you think your dss would actually enjoy this extended family holiday or actually find it a bit tedious?

ENormaSnob · 14/04/2012 19:13

I have the opposite side if this problem.

Ds1 (my ds, dh's dss) goes abroad every year with his bio dad. We also go abroad every year, ds1 included.

Dd has now decided it is completely unfair as he gets 2 holidays!

Can't win Wink

mynewpassion · 14/04/2012 19:15

Have you talked to his mother? She might be able to guage his reaction if he was serious about being OK with it.

lisaro · 14/04/2012 19:16

Or if he really isn't bothered, and won't mind, then take the little ones away and have a couple of really good days out with/for him later in the year - ie Alton Towers, Blackpool. That seems a good compromise. Obviously if he really wanted to go and the kids were all the same age it would be different.

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 19:21

We are going to talk to his mum tomorrow. I had thought she might have a better idea how he feels about it.

I'm going to get accessed of drip feeding, so apologies in advance. I just didn't realise how relevant it was until I read all your replies. The family are on my side and whilst they love DSS they rarely see him (distance). He definitely wouldn't be bothered about seeing them.

enorma can't win exactly. 2 DCs don't get a holiday (or the one we want) but one does go with his mum :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 19:21
  • accussed
OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/04/2012 19:22

OK- thinking outside of the box here.

"I've got a 14 yo DS and my ex has got 2 DC with his new partner. We all get on fine. They see alot of my DS, take him on holiday.
Last year I went away with my DS.
And this year I've booked a foreign holiday for DS and I even though I can't afford to give a bit of cash to the holiday my DS would usually have with his half-siblings "

Do you see what I mean??
Everyone is "Oh, don't leave him out"

BUT does DSS mum do anything for her DS half siblings?? Even a caravan weekend?

Hmmmmmmmmm??

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 19:25

But he's going on a foreign holiday with his mum. It's fair that all children have one holiday, not that some have one and another child has two.

I'd given him some money for his foreign holiday instead.

auntpetunia · 14/04/2012 19:26

To be fair at 15 he might not want to go especially if other kids are a lot younger, my sis is 8 yes younger than me it was boring as hell and I got fed up being the baby sitter. He might be happy to stay with his mum. I turned 16 and never went on another family holiday.