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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re taking stepson on holiday

205 replies

Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 18:36

We have 2 DC's together and DH has a son. He is 14 (nearly 15). He has always been involved in our life and we see him a lot. Probably a lot less these last few years as he prefers to be out with friends. Relations with his Mum are good and all in all (comparing to some friend and what I read on here) we all get along very well. DH is a great Dad to all 3 children.

We have always taken DSS on holiday with us when we have been lucky to go. However this year we just can't afford for 5 of us to go. We can afford for 4 of us. Those of you with 3 or more children will know how much more expensive it is to take more than the standard 2 adults and 2 children.

So, our dilemma is. Do we go without him, knowing that he may not have a holiday this year. (don't know if it is relevant but he went last year with his Mum). Or do we not go at all, so no one gets a holiday?

I do realise that we are lucky to afford a holiday at all. DH works very hard to support us all and we do go without other things to afford a holiday?

DH is torn. He loves DSS so much and can't bear leaving him out, but doesn't want his other DCs to miss out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 19:27

Thanks 70.. Food for thought. Just don't want to be seen as the evil step mother! Also the point that DH will spend the whole time miserable as his son isn't there ...

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 14/04/2012 19:29

It matters not what DSD and his mum do. Different households. Ex does not pay to support op's children because not her biological children. Dh does have to support his son from another relationship because it'd his biological son.

This comparison never washes.

RandomMess · 14/04/2012 19:30

How long would you be going for?

LargeGlassofRed · 14/04/2012 19:33

Um, I think if he's already going with his mum then that's ok. I have 5 dc's my older three are going away to the south of France in Aug for two weeks. So Dp and I are going to get a last min deal with the youngest 2.
There is no way I could afford to take all 5 abroad much as I'd love too.

AllotmentLottie · 14/04/2012 19:33

Slightly different as it was my two bio parents, but when I was away at university my parents decided I probably wouldn't want to go on family holidays and went without me taking my two (full) siblings. It hurt like h*ll, even though they were probably right that I would have declined, I wanted to be asked!

I think your DH needs to sound out DSS before you go any further. If he is not interested, then there is no problem, after all.

charlearose · 14/04/2012 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glasscompletelybroken · 14/04/2012 19:34

If your dss is already having a holiday abroad with his mum that does make a difference though surely? Your own dc's will have one holiday and so will your dss. If he has a holiday abroad and you and your dc's have no holiday how is that fair?

I agree it's difficult but he is 15 and I would just talk to him and say that you would love to take him but can't afford it and you hope he has a lovely holiday with his mum. Are you able to say you will save a bit for next year and take him then so he knows he won't always be left behind?

oohlordylordy · 14/04/2012 19:40

He's 15. Talk to him and I'm betting he will understand.

I have two DSDs (both elder teens now) and two DC (both preschool). Their needs and wants are so totally different.

We are not taking DSDs away this year because (i) what the little ones want to do isn't at all attractive to teens and (ii) they have agreed they would prefer to spend any money we would have set aside for a holiday on trips with school / friends (and in the elder ones case a BF)

But, I really agree that what we've paid for them to have trips away would nearly cover how much we'd need to have paid to take all 6 of us away as a 'family'. Once you get over the '2 adults, 2 kids', pricing seems to be logarithmic!!

MadamFolly · 14/04/2012 19:45

I think you should go.

PavlovtheCat · 14/04/2012 19:49
Biscuit
LittleLucifer · 14/04/2012 19:55

You should definitely go! He is having a holiday with his mum so I think that makes things even.

Can you arrange that your holiday is at the same time as their holiday?

pumpkinsweetie · 14/04/2012 20:11

I would ask your stepson first what he would like ?
If he would really like to go then you must find a cheaper holiday for all 5 of you or dont go away at all as it wouldn't be fair not to include him if he really wants to go

inatrance · 14/04/2012 20:20

I don't think YABU, surely if dss has a holiday with his mum that means he wouldn't begrudge his siblings getting a holiday too? It's totally unfair for you to not take none of them if you cant afford to take him, and at 15 he's old enough to understand. I would talk to him like an adult and just explain, particularly as its with family he doesn't know to well either, I'm sure he would be ok if he knew the reasons.

griphook · 14/04/2012 20:21

I would also go ahead and book the holiday, and I would explain to him that he is having a holiday with his mum.

It seems very unfair that the two dc should miss out after all dss is getting a holiday.

mynewpassion · 14/04/2012 20:28

If it was only about fairness but it isn't. It's about a child albeit a teenager and the feeling of being alienated. You don't want him to have that or feel as if he's not part of his dad's family.

blackeyedsusan · 14/04/2012 20:30

I think the fact that he is getting a holiday with his mum should be taken into account.

whatever happens it is not fair to someone.

2 children miss out on a holiday this year but one child gets a holiday.

one child does not get to go away with dad whilst the other 2 do.

does he get to go camping with your dh anyway? is that not a holiday? do the younger childen get to go camping alone with dad?

being fair does not always mean that you get exactly the same.

ENormaSnob · 14/04/2012 20:32

Tbh, if he is definitely off abroad with his mum then then I would go.

Pretty sure ds1 bio dad would do the same in this situation, especially as ds1 always comes abroad with us anyway.

VodkaJelly · 14/04/2012 20:32

I have a DSS and he has never been on holiday with us. But my situation is that DSS's mum would never give us permission, or his passport or wouldnt commit and wouldnt return calls when we were trying to book. I dont think DSS ever felt left out or excluded. He went on holiday with his mum and step dad.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/04/2012 20:39

At first I thought you shouldn't go without your dss, on the grounds that you wouldn't leave your own child behind - you would simply not go on the holiday.

However, he is having a holiday with his mum, so if he really isn't all that bothered about going away with you too, then I can't see the harm in going without him. perhaps he would understand the 'fairness' of each child getting one holiday, even if it is not with the same parent.

I think I'd say to him 'What would you prefer - some money to take on holiday with your mum, or to come on holiday with us instead.' He might ripe your arm off for the extra cash and you won't feel that you are leaving him out because he will have chosen.

Obviously, if he felt strongly that he wanted to come with you, then you would be wrong to not take him.

tootiredtothink · 14/04/2012 20:42

He's 15 so he won't understand....he'll just remember the year you left him out of your holiday.
You can't go without him.

LydiaWickham · 14/04/2012 20:49

the option of you going with your DCs but not DH would work if it's a holiday with your family - I would think if you had a 'family holiday' that didn't include him that would be shitty but "my step-mum's gone away with her mum/sister/whoever and my halfsiblings" doesn't sound like you've left him out, and it feels different. That does mean your DH misses out, but he might like the 'man time' with his son.

ewaczarlie · 14/04/2012 20:53

Simple, all 3 kids go or none go. He is no less a child of your partners then the other 2. Also think how he would feel if his dad took his 2 other kids but not him. Only solution is to go somewhere where he will beg not to go to, not sure your other kids ages but peppy pug world kind of holiday is what I'm thinking.

DeWe · 14/04/2012 20:59

Could you go at the same time as he's going on the foreign holiday with his mum.
That way they're just having alternative holidays rather than him missing out on one, assuming you don't do another holiday just for your dc.

lagoonhaze · 14/04/2012 21:04
  1. You either all go

2 just you and children go and not dp

3 noone goes

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/04/2012 21:30

I think everyone who is saying he'll be excluded or will feel he's been left behind is doing this young man a great dis-service.

You need to ask him first what he wants.

No disrespect to you Fedupateaster but maybe a holiday with 2 little ones is not top of his agenda.
I think he's old enough to realise that money is tight (I'm sure he reads papers and watches the news.He knows what everyone's situation is like)
So if he wants to go with you, it's going to be a more low-key affair.And the emphasis will be on the younger DC, their entertainment.
His holiday with his mum will be centred round him.

Then without making him feel guilt or responsibilty, let him choose.
It might be that he doesn't want to go. His dad spends lots of time with him as you say.
He won't be happy with his DS not being there, but he'll hopefully accept his son is growing and changing.

You might be worrying unneccesarily OP.
He might be happy with a forrin holiday with his mum and some extra spending money.

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