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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re taking stepson on holiday

205 replies

Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 18:36

We have 2 DC's together and DH has a son. He is 14 (nearly 15). He has always been involved in our life and we see him a lot. Probably a lot less these last few years as he prefers to be out with friends. Relations with his Mum are good and all in all (comparing to some friend and what I read on here) we all get along very well. DH is a great Dad to all 3 children.

We have always taken DSS on holiday with us when we have been lucky to go. However this year we just can't afford for 5 of us to go. We can afford for 4 of us. Those of you with 3 or more children will know how much more expensive it is to take more than the standard 2 adults and 2 children.

So, our dilemma is. Do we go without him, knowing that he may not have a holiday this year. (don't know if it is relevant but he went last year with his Mum). Or do we not go at all, so no one gets a holiday?

I do realise that we are lucky to afford a holiday at all. DH works very hard to support us all and we do go without other things to afford a holiday?

DH is torn. He loves DSS so much and can't bear leaving him out, but doesn't want his other DCs to miss out.

OP posts:
doihavetonamechange · 15/04/2012 19:17

Im not sure how to put this, but I remember rightly, you are widowed, so the DCs dont have "another family" as such, which is a slightly different scenario again.

Sorry if I have said that badly.

exoticfruits · 15/04/2012 19:18

It is a big gap if you are trying to do something for a 7 yr old and a 15yr old. The ages are unimportant-it is the fact it needs to come from the DC and not the parent.

exoticfruits · 15/04/2012 19:18

The 'other family' though were not taking the DC in question on holiday.

doihavetonamechange · 15/04/2012 19:20

No but DC has a mother who can take them on holiday.

mynewpassion · 15/04/2012 19:24

The DSS has a father who can take him on holiday, too. Is it only the biological mother who can take the kids on holiday?

In this situation, the DH and the OP have spoken to the DSS and he expressed that he would be disappointed if he was not able to go but would have understood because of financial reasons. The DH and the OP have agreed that they would all tighten their belts and sell of some stuff so that the DSS can go.

exoticfruits · 15/04/2012 19:26

She wasn't though. I think it must be bad enough for a DC to have to share a parent when his siblings are there all the time and he is relegated to 'visitor'- and it really rubs it in when he gets missed out for holidays because 'he doesn't really belong'.

exoticfruits · 15/04/2012 19:26

I am glad that they changed their minds.

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 15/04/2012 20:11

2rebecca fortunately, we didn't base the size of our family on how much future holidays would cost! We had other deciding factors like being good kind people, being in love and wanting to bring children into our lives.

If DSS lived with us permanently (we have always offered him this option, but he has declined as he luffs his Mum) we would never have even considered leaving him behind.

Our initial thoughts were based on the facts that 1. He doesn't live with us so wouldn't be left at home as such, and wouldn't miss us as its only a 2 weeks and he most likely wouldn't have seen us over this period. 2. He may not want to go anyhow. 3. He was going on holiday with his other family. 4. We have never left him out before 5. He is going on a camping trip with his Dad alone for a week in May.

I'm not drip feeding, I have said all this. Just feel that I have to justify our initial thought of going without him.

Once we seen his sad face saying that he would love to go but understood we couldn't afford it, we just knew we couldn't do it. We will go and he will come, by hell or high water. Had he really not been bothered, we seriously would have gone without him, and made it up in other ways.

OP posts:
forehead · 15/04/2012 20:40

OP, you will be making a very BIG mistake if you don't invite your dss. Mark my words

forehead · 15/04/2012 20:44

Sorry OP, i didnt finish reading the thread, but i am still surprised that you even considered leaving your dss

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 15/04/2012 20:51

forehead why would it be such a mistake. Can you elaborate?

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 15/04/2012 21:25

I'd like to hear more as well forehead - as I said upthread, we have done this with both DD and DSS - what can I expect to happen?

Portofino · 15/04/2012 21:32

forehead - I was in that position as a teenager. It never ruined my life or anything. I remember feeling a bit miffed. The way the OP is going about this is completely different from how my dad bhaved at the time. I feel she sounds lovely and is getting an unfair flaming here.

Portofino · 15/04/2012 21:36

And I don't agree that a 15 yo is not able to understand the issue ....

Dinosaurhunter · 15/04/2012 21:41

This is quite A difficult situation but between the ages of 15-17 my dss ( now 18) didn't come away with us due to us having limited funds for a holiday abroad . Our ds is 5 and we felt we wanted to give him the same experiences as his brother had so just the 3 of us went away , now many people have said that the steps child life with their mother does not count but I don't believe this to be true . My dss goes skiing 3 times a year plus goes to a exotic location with his mum and step dad and sister once a year , he has been on amazing holidays and has a very privileged life . I love my dss very much as do all my family but sometimes you just have to accept you can't please everyone .

NotaDisneyMum · 15/04/2012 21:46

Should a NRP restrict their life with other DCs and only do 'fun stuff', days out, meals out etc during contact time?
Where do you draw the line?

discrete · 15/04/2012 22:01

I was in that position many times as a teenager and was never even vaguely bothered. In fact it wasn't even my half-siblings, it was my step-siblings.

Not a big deal, I stayed at home with my mum and went on holidays with her.

ArcticRain · 15/04/2012 22:01

Go . Why should your children miss out ? Your DSS is having another holiday . I have two DSS aged 16 and 18, who spend 50% plus time with us . Both were capable of understanding this type of issue from early teens . Saying a 15 year old boy is not capable or emotionally mature enough to understand is ridiculous . Knowing teenage lads, he probably won't be that bothered . Talk to him , teens are capable of mature conversations .

Arrange a camping weekend or something with just him and his dad . That would be far more special and appealing to him .

Not all teens are selfish , unaware , or over emotional . It won't damage him if he has a good relationship with you both and you communicate .

mynewpassion · 15/04/2012 22:04

Well when they spoke to him, he was bothered enough even though he said all the right things. That's why the OP and her DH have to decided to take him along.

mynewpassion · 15/04/2012 22:06

Every situation is different. What might work for one family, doesn't necessarily mean it will work with another family.

ledkr · 16/04/2012 12:25

you do sound like a lovely step mum btw. Smile

chocolatebuttin22 · 16/04/2012 12:34

I agree with ImperialBlether. He's old enoough to understand that he is not being left out. If both you and DH explain this to him and point out that infact he is already going on holiday, and that you will give him some spending money for his holiday abroad. If you can see from his reaction that he really is not happy then you should re-consider.

Your DC wont be going on two holidays so you need to think about them too. DSS will still be going on a holiday. xx

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 16/04/2012 13:06

notadisneymum that is a valid point. We are guilty of going out less when DSS is with us as it costs so much more. It's easier now as he wants to be with his friends more, but when he was younger we tended to cook nice meals at home or perhaps get takeway when he is with us.

Re days away, we would always give him the choice to come if we knew it was something he would love. Or if we fancied doing something and he was with us then he just came. If we were skint when he was with us, we didn't do much. He pretty much just fits in with what we are doing. Recently we have had to chat to him to say that he can't just visit when there are exciting things happening - he needs to fit in with the boring bits too.

Anyway, didn't sleep a wink all night, wondering how on earth we are going to afford to take him now that we have told him we would whilst DH snored without losing a minutes sleep We are going to have a word with his mum re some help towards it.

mynewfamily what works for one etc is very true. My friends ex has always gone on holiday with this step kids but never ever taken his own kids away.... she just accepts this as the norm and wishes her DD's had a step mum like me !!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupateaster · 16/04/2012 13:07

Thank you ledkr

OP posts:
Losingitall · 16/04/2012 13:13

Would you leave one of your children behind? Cos that's what your'e asking your OH to do!