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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re taking stepson on holiday

205 replies

Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 18:36

We have 2 DC's together and DH has a son. He is 14 (nearly 15). He has always been involved in our life and we see him a lot. Probably a lot less these last few years as he prefers to be out with friends. Relations with his Mum are good and all in all (comparing to some friend and what I read on here) we all get along very well. DH is a great Dad to all 3 children.

We have always taken DSS on holiday with us when we have been lucky to go. However this year we just can't afford for 5 of us to go. We can afford for 4 of us. Those of you with 3 or more children will know how much more expensive it is to take more than the standard 2 adults and 2 children.

So, our dilemma is. Do we go without him, knowing that he may not have a holiday this year. (don't know if it is relevant but he went last year with his Mum). Or do we not go at all, so no one gets a holiday?

I do realise that we are lucky to afford a holiday at all. DH works very hard to support us all and we do go without other things to afford a holiday?

DH is torn. He loves DSS so much and can't bear leaving him out, but doesn't want his other DCs to miss out.

OP posts:
cookiesnap · 14/04/2012 21:44

I would definitely go in your situation. Honestly think
it's completely fine to go away with your dcs and dp to see your family. Just tell your dss you can't take him this time - and do plan a weekend or night away for him and his dad.

Noqontrol · 14/04/2012 21:47

Holiday for you all, or don't go at all. Go camping instead, that's cheap. But don't leave him out, that's wrong.

suebfg · 14/04/2012 21:48

If you left him out, I think he'd feel 'second-rate' compared with your DCs. Can you really not find a holiday that you can afford for all of you? Why not rent a villa or something where occupancy isn't such an issue?

Noqontrol · 14/04/2012 21:48

Oh, unless he doesn't want to go of course. Haven't read all of the posts. I guess he could find it boring.

Original poster
Fedupateaster · 14/04/2012 22:00

Thanks for all your messages. Seems a bit split opinion advice. I am veering towards the 'he will be ok' stance, but then terrible guilt creeps in.. So so difficult.

I can't change holiday dates as family have already booked. We have looked at all options and we can afford to go (by the skin of our teeth!) for 4 of us. I am basing this on what I can save between now and then realistically. To take 5 is a big jump that puts it out of our reach (without borrowing money, which we really don't want to do).

Impossible situation. DH is going to speak to him alone tomorrow to see how he is. He is also going to spk to his mum. If he shows any sign in being upset about it then of course his feelings come first.

It just seems terribly unfair (I know I sound childish) that we won't be able to go but he will still get a holiday. Wicked step mother, meh!!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 14/04/2012 22:05

I would regard it as having 3 kids. His holidays with his mum are irrelevent. If your kids' father took them away would you then leave them behind and just take your stepson?

cookiesnap · 14/04/2012 22:06

Don't be a martyr though. Your needs do count too - and having a holiday with your family seems pretty important.

In the end you'll be a better sm if you are happy and look after your own needs as well as those of everyone else.

Noqontrol · 14/04/2012 22:37

It's hard I know, but your step son is also your childrens sibling. It must be difficult in your position but you need to do the right thing. My friend has 3 step children and expecting as well. It will be incredibly hard for her. But step kids need to feel part of the family too. It's all a bit rubbish otherwise and it's not easy on kids when the dynamics of families change.

JaponicaTroggs · 14/04/2012 23:37

The fact that your SS is going on holiday with his mum is totally irrelevant and the fact that you are using it as an excuse to leave him out of your family holiday is wrong. I was in a similar family situation at that age and what I did with my mum I saw as entirely separate from from my dad. If my dad had left me out of a holiday I would have been devastated that he did not want to spend the time with me but did with the rest of my step family.
You are over estimating his maturity at 15 (he should understand your financial issues) and over estimating his emotional needs (he still needs to feel as important to his dad as your other children are).

JaponicaTroggs · 14/04/2012 23:39

*underestimating his emotional needs

2shoes · 14/04/2012 23:39

just read the op
no way can you leave a child out, would you leave one of "your own out"?

Portofino · 14/04/2012 23:51

Speaking as someone who's dad took dsc on holiday leaving dsis and I at home - in fact we were NEVER invited - aged 15 I would have not missed a holiday with little kids and loads of strangers. I would ask him how he feels about it - sounds like your dh is going to do this.... He is perfectly old enough to understand the issues. The key thing is to ensure he knows his thoughts are taken into account.

sashh · 15/04/2012 07:30

All or nothing.

Could his mum contribute?

HatchedAtTheHutch · 15/04/2012 07:44

Speaking as a fellow step mum I agree with most posting on here too. He shouldn't be excluded. Think what it would be be like if the boot were on the other foot and it was one of your children being left out.

Downandoutnumbered · 15/04/2012 07:51

OP, you don't say whether you going with the younger two DC but without DH would be a possibility - if it's your family, that doesn't seem a wholly unreasonable compromise if you really want to go and you don't see them often.

Proudnscary · 15/04/2012 07:51

Don't exclude him.

Downsize your holiday. Or don't go.

However amicable and friendly and loving the set up is, it will send a clear message that he is not actually, really 100% part of your family.

You wouldn't dream of not taking one of your dc would you, when they are older?

Proudnscary · 15/04/2012 07:54

And, as others have said, this is not about whether he's having another holiday or not. That's irrelevant. This is about making sure he is included in your family - his family - and your children are not put first, even inadvertently and without malicious intent.

NotMostPeople · 15/04/2012 08:03

I rarely went on holiday with my Dad and his ds and when I did I hated it as my half brother is 13 years younger than me. As a teen I didn't want to put up with a toddler.

I think that being as its your family you'll be seeing and you have younger dc's he won't be that bothered. What I would have loved would have been to go away with my Dad in my own, could you stretch to camping trip with your DH and DSS alone for a weekend?

namechangingagain · 15/04/2012 08:06

OP

I havent read all the thead, but I have 2 small DCs and one older teen.

He would rather walk over hot coals than come on holiday with his siblings.

Mama1980 · 15/04/2012 08:06

Please don't discuss this with your stepson I think at15 you are overestimating his emotional maturity I speak as a ex stepchild asked a similar thing, I agreed as I wanted to please dad but seriously it hurt. Would you feel the same way if it was
Being proposed I left one of your children behind? The other holiday etc is irrelevant it has to be everyone or no one

namechangingagain · 15/04/2012 08:08

So that was to answer all the "would you leave out one of your own" type questions, yes I would and yes I do, DC is 16.

Fact is its veyr hard to find a holiday that suits small ones and big ones, he probably genuinely doesnt care is secretly relieved that he doesnt have to go.

namechangingagain · 15/04/2012 08:11

and of course OP, if DH will be miserable without his DS, pehaps he could stay home too Grin, I miss my DC when i am away, but I am old enough and sensible enough to accept that the age gap means DC is right and probably wouldnt enjoy a holiday with his 2 small siblings.

HesterBurnitall · 15/04/2012 08:24

Hang on, those who are saying not going would mean no holiday for the younger dcs are extrapolating wildly. There's a proposed holiday that the OP wants to go on but can't afford to take all three children. Turning down this holiday is das for you, OP, but doesn't preclude booking something else for the five of you.

We've had to regretfully decline trips we would have loved to join in on but couldn't afford. That's life with three kids. We just did something else that cost less. Still fun, but fun for all.

HesterBurnitall · 15/04/2012 08:25

Sad for you, not das. Sorry.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 15/04/2012 08:42

Teenagers aren't idiots, you know. He is going to know, with all the talking to his mum/getting him alone and asking him the same questions you already put to him, that you don't want him to go.

And that is going to really hurt his feelings, regardless if he doesn't actually want to go, it will hurt him to know you are hoping he doesn't come with you.

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