AIBU re taking stepson on holiday

[Fedupateaster]

We have 2 DC's together and DH has a son. He is 14 (nearly 15). He has always been involved in our life and we see him a lot. Probably a lot less these last few years as he prefers to be out with friends. Relations with his Mum are good and all in all (comparing to some friend and what I read on here) we all get along very well. DH is a great Dad to all 3 children.

We have always taken DSS on holiday with us when we have been lucky to go. However this year we just can't afford for 5 of us to go. We can afford for 4 of us. Those of you with 3 or more children will know how much more expensive it is to take more than the standard 2 adults and 2 children.

So, our dilemma is. Do we go without him, knowing that he may not have a holiday this year. (don't know if it is relevant but he went last year with his Mum). Or do we not go at all, so no one gets a holiday?

I do realise that we are lucky to afford a holiday at all. DH works very hard to support us all and we do go without other things to afford a holiday?

DH is torn. He loves DSS so much and can't bear leaving him out, but doesn't want his other DCs to miss out.

Fedupateaster I think you can compare leaving your step son behind to leaving "your dc" behind

Te fact your even thinking going with out days a lot about you feel about him

The fact you would leave hime bejing but nt your birth chid "wo lives with you " tells me their is a favouritism a foot

Any one else who has a family of 5 would simply fund somthing they can afford for all five and anyone had to stay ehind due to costs it would be one of the adults no doubut

What dose it say to your step son about his place in the family that money is tight his needs are the first to be dropped its no matter he dose nit live with you he SHOUD still enjoy equal status with you family

Your post I feel is why I feel a lot of time blended families don't work the step mother has no real deep love for their step child sees them as a expens and bother and mearly go trough the motions of be kind enough to placate the husband

Very sad for the step son indeed

I think a lot of people who are saying OP is selfish etc and that the DSS will feel excluded really are jumping to a big conclusion - for all we know he might be relieved he doesn't have to go on a holiday with 2 much younger siblings and just not been able to say that he doesn't want to go for fear of hurting his Dads feelings.

My DS1 was 16 when he came on a driving holiday with me, DH and DS2 and DS3 who were 1 and 6 at the time, we had a lovely time in a little quiet chalet in the Alps. However he was bored and told us afterwards he didnt really want to come - what he looks on as a holiday is completely different from us with the younger kids! Hes now off in June this year to Crete with 11 friends [big panic smiley for me]

Sorry I've not read all the replies. We have an older teenager and young toddler. We can always afford to go on holidays and all together is expensive as it's three adults . But my partner as teen go away on short weekend breaks to Spain etc a few times a year and this is great and much more grown up and great bonding time . Teen has been away with his friends too so we sacrificed our holidays so he can go on that. If he goes away with his mum you may be able to book at the same time for you to go away so it's less poignant but I doubt he would mind too much , the dynamics do change and they do want more independence . I'd suggest weekenders with the dad away from the smaller ones. ( will not read replies due to fear of flaming ...)

Duck dodgers it's of no matter of weather he is relived he dose not have to go

It's about the op seeming to counger up circumstances so SHE dosent have to take her step son
a inveration given in good faith but not excepted is very diffrent to not giving the invertation or giving while dredging the person says yes

Its exactly because step children don't live with the family that every effort has to be made to include him

Relationships can be easily lost at this age

For me it's the fact that the op is using finances as exuse not to take him were as most family's would simply not go or find a cheaper holiday if one member was a £ to far

I wonder what else the op would deny him so as her own children don't miss out

All sould have or none shall have if that's not your attatuide to being a step parent you should re think

why is everyone missing the point that :

OK the DSS is a huge part of this family.I get this and agree 100%.

But DSS mother booked a holiday for her and DSS (and did so last year without considering her ex DH 2 DC who are part of her family because they are her sons siblings?

Why is it one rule for the OP and completely another rule for the DSS mum.

I'm presuming the DH gives maintenence for DSS? Could she not have contributed to the family holiday? Or tell DSS "OK we're going away, that's your holiday for the year. Not with your dad and siblings"
But obviously said nicer.

Stop giving the OP a guilt trip!

Erm unless I'm missing what your saying 70isalimit you think that the DSS bio mum should pay towards or even take two children on holiday that are nothing to do with her? if that is what you're saying then you are being absurd.

This is about two bio parents treating their children equal to any other children that they have. So if mum has more kids they all go on holiday, and dad makes sure his three are treated fairly.

I have friends in the same situation and they are not taking the oldest abroad with them, (he's 13) and he is staying with his mum, but the younger two are, the other week it resulted in lots of tears from the 13YO saying that he felt he was bottom of the pile when it came to his younger brothers and that they were being treated differently.

I don't like how the OP is trying to justify this, if five of you can't afford to go on the family trip, you refuse and all go somewhere else.

I agree with a poster upthread who said that the lad will realise that you don't want him to go - really nice for him that.

And this isn't about you not going on holiday at all, you can have a holiday, just not the one with family, so saying your two DC will miss out completely is wrong, you will miss out on the one you want and the kids will enjoy wherever you take them.

It matters not one jot what DSS mother did.

A holiday isnt a commodity, you cant say to a boy 'you have had X spent on your holidays so that's your lot'

The OP is talking about leaving a member of her household (albeit part time) out of a holiday.

I love this sort of attitude.

So in a family where the DCs are going on holiday with their mum (disregarding the age difference), the SM has no right to go onher holiday as a family with her own DCs, unless she can afford to take them all.

For example, the DSCs could be on holiday 3 times a year on foreign trips, but the DCs from the second family can make do with a wet weekend in a tent if they cant afford it.

I hate the way children in second families are seen as some sort of second class citizens, in some way less deserving.

As long as ALL the children are getting a holiday of some sort - does it really matter who with.

In this case, there is such an age difference, then other factors come to play because a teenager wont enjoy the same sort of holiday as younger children.

What doihavetonamechange said ^

No I'm not suggesting DSS mother take/pay for 2 young children to go on holiday with her.But it doesn't sound like she's offered to.And can't contribute.She's booked a holiday for herself and her son.

But to say they are nothing to do with her??
They are her sons half siblings. They have the same dad as her DS.

Lots of posts point out that the OP (who isn't the DSS blood relitive, he's her DC blood relitive) shouldn't leave him out.
But the DSS mum can book a foreign holiday and not consider the DHs other children. Her sons brother and sister!

It seems very unfair to say to OP "you can't have a holiday" IMO, but maybe because her DC are young they won't be so aware? Is that it?

And a holiday is a commodity. It's a Luxury.It's a considered expense.

I did say way back ,discuss it without making the 14 (nearly 15 yo) feel responsible for the holiday situation.

But if the the situation was reversed and someone was asking "Shall I go on holiday and leave my Ex DH 2 small children behind" the answer would be a resounding "No".
But that is what DSS mum has done.

I don't see how you can go wthout him.

thats right the OP and her DCs should miss out on a big family holiday - why should her DCs go on holiday, with THEIR family, I mean come on, DCs from a second family, spend time with their cousins and so on, why should they be entitled to do that.

How dreadful of the OP to think her children might enjoy some family time with the rest of her family.

Awful OP, how could you!

(clearly I am joking)

This thread has some of the most ridiculous points made I have ever seen, a weekend camping trip is not the same as the OP taking her children away with her family.

The DCs in the second family have a right to family time, in the same way as the DSS does with his mothers family.

Some people need to take a look at the bigger picture here.

I think even if DSS says it doesn't matter it may and he may feel very hurt. My DGD1 and DGD2 were excluded from a holiday abroad with my DD3 XP and his new family. Despite initial plans for them to go and they were really hurt. There was a recent bust up between XP and DGD1 and she now refuses to see him. The holiday and various other issues were cited by 12 year old DGD1 as reason. You need to very sure that he does not feel he has been downgraded in his DF eyes because of subsequent children. I am not saying this is the case but if he feels it is you could have problems.

Nothing my DD3 XP does seems to get through to my DGD1 she has deleted his number and avoids seeing him when he collects DGD2 for overnights. He won't push it because he knows over a lot of issues he has let her down he is hoping she will come round.

we are seeing the bigger picture

that op thinks its acceptable to leave her step son out of a family holiday because he only lives their part time she dose not really want him to go but is using finaces as a excuse

most people who have 3 child whic is basically what the op has wether she likes it or not (me thinks not ) would save to go on hoilday with 3 children you save for longer or you go on a cheaper hoilday or YOU DONT GO

if op wants to cast her self in the role as eveil step mum she is doing a stand up job is she gose ahead

70 I think the difference is that the OP chose to marry someone who already had a child, so has to treat him as she would her own dc, because he and her dh are a package deal.

The ex wife otoh, didn't choose for the younger half siblings of her son to be born - having them is something her ex husband chose to do after they were divorced, and therefore nothing to do with her.

I wouldn't view my ex husband's younger dc as family to me. I think it would be cheeky to ask the ex wife to contribute financially towards her ex taking their son on holiday - as far as she's concerned, she's already paid for a holiday for her son. How her ex manages his family's money is not her problem. Would the OP be happy to contribute financially so the ex wife could afford to take her new children on holiday along with her first son. I think probably not.

I also don't get why DSs bio mum can't take him on holiday and not the other two but the op should? I think all children should be considered. To say the ops children are nothing to do with her DSs bio mum is like saying she is nothing to do with DSS. They are his siblings. They are something to do with bio mum.

They are all connected and it should be one rule for all. Op talk to him genuinely and openly. But you cannot put on him that if he says he wants to come then none of you can go. It's a tricky one. But his mum should not abide by one set of rules and our family by another.

It's not an issue of the OP doesn't want to take her DSS- she clearly does. It's the issue of money.
DSS can't take advantage of Child go Free deals, he's classed more or less as an adult.
And they will be holidaying at the most expensive time, so it all has to be considered.

Last year we were going to book a holiday, but we waited a bit before we booked. Just as well, in retrospect. My car needed to have work done urgently.That took our deposit. My DC are 9 and 12. They were upset, but they understood it was about money not anything to do with wanting to take them. (Different scenario I know, )

If he chooses not to go, because of the age gap and enjoying different things, that's one thing. But to deliberately pick a holiday he can't go on is quite another

You need to scale down your holiday to what you can afford for ALL your (ie you and your dh's) children. I can't believe anyone can genuinely believe it's ok to do otherwise

annielouisa my ex is the same he went to Disney world two years ago he took his new daughter and gf but not my son

siting he and his should be aloud to spend time with their children alone, and that in any case they couldn't afford a extra person

many things also over the years have led to my ex and ds being estranged and having a very diff cult relationship

my guessing step son gets a lot less spent on him at Christmas to

Duck dodgers it's of no matter of weather he is relived he dose not have to go

I disagree. There comes a point in all families teenagers dont want to holiday with their parents and younger siblings - so why should it be any different in step families if equality is what matters? The point is no-one knows and there are assumptions made on both sides.

Your....not our.

Does no one on here remember being 15? I stopped going on family holidays at that age, much preferred to stay and home and go out with mates. I was the eldest of 3 kids.

If he was a DS, rather than a DSS, would that make a difference? He has said he doesn't mind not going.

Someone up the thread suggested OP and 2 younger kids go and DH have some time with DSS. Could that work?

70isaLimitNotaTarget then she should save for longer or they don't go you can get last minute all inclusive deals to Spain for £600 for 7 people i should know we went last year for ffs

op clearly doesn't want step son to go

first i was she could not afford it then it was well he wouldn't want to go anyway sounds like someone trying to justify not inviting someone if ever i heard it

its what frends say when they dont want you to come " oh well we didnt invte you because we knew you wouldnt want to come" bull shit

I have three children, I am leaving oldest at home, because we cant afford the kind of holiday he would like, he isnt interested at all in coming with, its nothing to do with the fact the smaller children are DHs and everything to do with the fact there is a huge age gap.

I have pratically begged him to come with - but you know what, he doesnt want to come on holiday with me, DH and 2 small children, he may change his mind if we were going on a 2 week AI in the sunshine, but we arent.

Do I feel bad, no, do I think I shouldnt take small DCs on holiday because we cant afford the kind of holiday DC1 would like, do I hell.

DC1 had years of being an only child, when holidays were amazing, now DC1 is 1 of 3 and cheap hols are the order of the day.

And lets not forget as i assume the OPs DH is paying decent maintenance, he has contributed to the DS holiday with his mum, I am quite clear to my DC1, that the standard of living DC1 enjoys is in part due to the maint provided by his father.