AIBU re taking stepson on holiday

[Fedupateaster]

We have 2 DC's together and DH has a son. He is 14 (nearly 15). He has always been involved in our life and we see him a lot. Probably a lot less these last few years as he prefers to be out with friends. Relations with his Mum are good and all in all (comparing to some friend and what I read on here) we all get along very well. DH is a great Dad to all 3 children.

We have always taken DSS on holiday with us when we have been lucky to go. However this year we just can't afford for 5 of us to go. We can afford for 4 of us. Those of you with 3 or more children will know how much more expensive it is to take more than the standard 2 adults and 2 children.

So, our dilemma is. Do we go without him, knowing that he may not have a holiday this year. (don't know if it is relevant but he went last year with his Mum). Or do we not go at all, so no one gets a holiday?

I do realise that we are lucky to afford a holiday at all. DH works very hard to support us all and we do go without other things to afford a holiday?

DH is torn. He loves DSS so much and can't bear leaving him out, but doesn't want his other DCs to miss out.

JADS everyone has already pointed out giving a invite hoping the persons turns you down is very different from giving a invite wanting the person to come and they say no.

its just like when my cousin asked her step daughter if she wanted to come and stay with them for a couple of weeks when she was having issues with her mum deep down my cousin had her fingers and toes crossed she would say no

if you really think teens cant pick up on people being disingenuous

i can always tell when people are full of shit

oh yes pop round any time
if you ever need a babysitter just give us a ring
we love you to come on holiday

bull shit
if op was so confident he didn't want to come why bring up the cost simply have the money ready if she changes his mind confident that he probably wouldn't its the fact
in the first instances they have made no provision for him to go with them

i vey much doubut op begged him to changed his mind like she would her own

I am in the precise position of your DSSs mum. I would completely understand and have no problem with DS not going in those circumstances, especially as we were taking him on holiday anyway.

XP had a once in a lifetime holiday a few years ago when they had just one LO who could travel free. He came to me and explained that it would be too expensive to take DS, felt bad but DS totally understood. It's not as if he'll never have other holidays.

Speak to his mum; it may not be as much of an issue as you think.

doihavetonamechange dont know about that it sounds like when ever money is tight the anything the step son needs is forst on the chopping block

this is not about a hoilday its about being included in the family activites

your son wants to stay behind knowing you love him and really want him to come

i doubut op step son feels the same

either way, this is a family holiday for the OP with her family, I disagree that a SP has to treat a child as theres, and my DC1 has a stepdad.

Fact is DC1 also has a dad who treats DC1 to things, its not for my DH to make DC1 his total resposibility.

DC1 does not need a 3rd parent, the 2 he already has are mroe than adequate, me and exh.

My DH is very good to DC1 dont get me wrong, and in every way he drives DC1 around, cares for DC1 and does all the things a parent would do, DH also loves DC1, but DH is not DC1s father.

In this case, and in mine, DC has another parent who loves them and treats them.

In cases like this, where the DC1 is being treated as an equal child in most ways - the DC from the first relationship end up with double than the DC from the second, and I see this in my own DC1.

Financially, DC1 is way better off than my other 2, has more money spent on them than my other 2, and wouldnt begrduge their little siblings a holiday, if I said to DC1, we are going here but we really cant afford to take you, because you are classed as a third adult, it means a second room would you mind not coming - DC1 would be fine.

If I suggested to DC1 that we canned our holiday and took all of them away for a weekends camping, instead of a few weeks in the sun, DC1 would laugh and tell me not to bother, no decent child is going to expect their parents to make that choice.

I understand the MASSIVE cost implications the OP is facing, because we have had to face them.

Thankfully my oldest isnt selfish, and knows we are doing things on a budget which means sometimes, there are difficult choices.

Mrbojangles1 I feel sad when I see my DGDs hurt and left out because their DF has a new family. Christmas and birthdays are the same. We are a big family and we give all our DC and GDC as much love and support as we can. My heart still aches as I know how much pain DGD1 has been put through.

and I see nowhere that the DSS is having less spent on him at Christmas, I think that is massively judgemental, or do I see anywhere that his money is being cut because finances are tight, although to be fair, if you have a child who is receiving loads elsewhere and you really are skiint, why shouldnt you spend a little more on the children who are only getting from you.

And just to stand up for the OP a little more, the smaller DCs care getting alot more in my current will than DC1, because they will need to be looked after in the case of DHs death, whereas DC1 would have dad.

This has been explained to DC1, DC1 understands, its a practical thing and not because I love DC1 any less.

There cannot always be financial equality in the second home, when there are 2 families involved, because effectively it can mean penalising the second children at the expense of the first family children.

Lets think, DC1 could have PS3, iphone4, and all other gadgets because having 2 families means there are lots of clothes, practical type gifts, leaving spare cash for luxuries (as in my DC1s case, large families on mine and exh side), does that mean then, that unless I can spend exactly the same on all 3, my 2nd family DCs shouldnt have any of these things, because DH and I dont have a lot of spare cash???

Thankfully our family runs very smoothly, the smaller DCs arent aware of money and by the time they are DC1 will be long gone, and DC1 is a kind and caring child who loves the smaller DCs and is able to understand that we cant afford the kind of hols DC1 would like (and that DC1s dad can afford).

and quoting this
your son wants to stay behind knowing you love him and really want him to come he wants to stay behaind because it isnt a holiday that interests him, going off what is on this thread, I shouldnt be going there, but not going anywhere at all, because we cant afford the sort of hols that suit him and not the younger DCs (this one was actually free with Tescos vouchers).

I think I have changed my mind now I have read everything. If the teenager is going away with his mum and genuinely doesn't mind about the extended family holiday ( most not his family) then I think op can go with a clear conscience. Its not ideal but its not unfair either.

It's a really shitty situation and I think nothing you can do would make it fair on any of the DC (that's the nature of step/patch-work families unfortunately).

I've been that DSS (or rather DSD) and I routinely felt left out when my dad and his new family went on holiday without me. I'm not sure if it was the holiday experience I was jealous of or the time spend with my dad that I was missing out on. In fact, I think it was the quality time with my dad that I was jealous of, so this really has to be split into 2 issues.

In terms of the actual holiday, the commodity, I think it would not be unfair to leave the DSS at home if he is getting to go on holiday with his own mum instead. It would only be unfair if one set of children got a holiday whereas the other didn't.

The real issue though is the quality time with his father the DSS will miss out on. If he already spends a lot of time with his step-family it might not even be an issue but if he only gets the rare weekend (like I did) a family holiday is very, very precious.

Having said that, it all depends on the personality and attitude of the DSS. Personally, I went on the last step-family holiday with my dad the summer I turned 16 and only because my aunt and uncle were coming too with my more similiar aged cousins. I really could not have been bothered spending that much time with my much younger siblings. (Mind you, when my dad got divorced from that stepmum, I started to go on holidays again. Once a year, my dad, my half-sisters and me. In fact, we've been keeping it up til last year when I got married.)

So I don't really know what the right thing to do her is. There is not the one right answer in a situation like this. It all depends imvho!

mrbojangles I'll address you first. You seem to make a lot of assumptions on how I feel and act based on your own experiences. A lot of what you say is entirely untrue. We have NEVER excluded our son (albeit not my bio son) from anything and endeavour to treat him as equally as our other two children. We have been to Disneyworld and would never have dreamed of going on such a holiday without him. Shame on your ex for doing such a thing, but please don't assume we are all as uncaring. I have known DSS since he was 1 yo and have treated him as my own. In his younger years he spent a lot of time with us. We brought him to his first day at school etc. We have a good relationship with his Mum. We pay maintenance from our joint earnings, even when we struggled and DH ex was more affluent than us. We view this as our duty. As for Christmas, we have never spent less on him (sometimes more as he is older and wants bigger things!). Your insinuations and accusations are totally unfounded.

DH and DSS have a fantastically close relationship. He knows who is Dad is ans they speak almost every day.

Of course the feelings you have for children you give birth to are different. I wouldn't believe anyone who said different.

For the record, we have spoken to him. He said he would be really disappointed if he couldn't go but would realise it was because of money and he would understand. I cried as he is such a lovely boy. We then said, well if that's how you feel then you will come and we will worry about the money side of things, not you. It may mean less for all at Christmas etc and no days out over summer. We also pay for his phone on contract, so we are going to look at reducing that too.

So all as well. Please rest assured that I wasn't using finances as an excuse not to bring him. In any event he is a great babysitter for the younger children!!

We have a similar issue. DSD always came on hols with us and we contributed to her hol with her mum as we understood that mum always had to pay 2 adult fares as a single mum.

Now DSD is older is has got too expensive for us to be able to take her and contribute to mums. We asked mum to contribute to dsd place on our hol but she wouldn't - she didn't like the type of hols we had .

We explained to DSD that we couldn't afford to pay an adult price for her to come with us as well as contributing to her hol with her mum - so which would she rather do? One year she chose us, one year mum.

DSD is 16 now. This year we were able to get a good deal so it wasn't going to be as big an issue. But DSD decided she didn't want to come. Says she has too much going on at home/school/boyfriend to spend 2 weeks away. She has said the same to her mum. We were surprised, but have told her that instead we will put some extra in her bank for days out etc with boyfriend/friends. At 16 I doubt very much that DSD wants to spend precious holiday time with an annoying 7 year old and grumpy father that won't let her drink!

Until OPs DH spks to his son we can't know what he wants. Make the decision after that, not based on assumptions.

Also for those of you that suggested going without DH, this isn't really a possibility. DH works away most weeks so a holiday is a chance to spend time with us as a family.

For those that say, DSS other holiday is irrelevant - are you in the same situation? As some have pointed - DH maintenance goes towards paying for this holiday too.

Sorry Op X posts

Mrs Huxtable, how right you are.

In my entire life up to the age of 16, I had 5 holidays. The first of those was aged around 4, with parents and sibling, the rest were all after my parents separated when I was 10. The last two or three were after step-dad had moved in with us. All through those years, my sibling and I had to hear about the wonderful holidays my dad had been on with his new partner and their child. Not once in all those years were my sibling or me invited to join them. In fact, from the time my dad left home, until he died a few years ago, I only ever had a few hours with him where step-mother was not present. So I totally understand about not having the quality family time. To this day, it still hurts that everything I wanted to say to my dad, had to be said with my step-mother present or had to remain unsaid. And yes, probably unreasonably, it hurts so much that my half-sibling has so many memories of times spent with my dad, on holidays, days out etc and I have none of those.

FWIW, had I been asked, even once to accompany my dad and his new family on a holiday, regardless of whether I wanted to be around a toddler, or whether I wanted to go to the particular place, I would have jumped at the chance, just to be able to spend time with my dad. Being a weekend guest in your dad's home is absolutely NOT the same as living there all the time and having 100% access to him whenever you want. IMO, the DSS should be included because he is still a child of the family ie: the child of one of the parents. It is a completely different case for the DSS mother, since her child's half-siblings are not a child of her family since she is not married to their father.

Without being rude, maintenance isnt really a lot of money unless your dh earns a v good sum and probably wouldnt make a drop in the ocean towards your stepsons mum's holiday.
You said you couldn't take him due to costs but you have to take into account his feelings if you dont include him and you have to remember he is part of your family aswell -would you exclude your own children?
Im sorry but this subject is close to my heart having been a stepchild myself and this may really damage your stepson emotionally.
If you cannot afford all 5 of you to go then dont go or find somewhere cheaper because it really isnt fair on him.
When you take on a man with his own children you have to be prepared for these situations and the fact maintence must be paid to the child to help the mother out with basic daily childrearing costs.
Just think years down the line if you and dh split and he had more kids with another woman and he took his 'new' children on a holiday and didnt include your children-not fair is it!

Am I right in saying you are going to take him? I think he sounds a lovely boy who values his relationship with you and you sound a lovely stepmom. A lot of posters on this thread seem to have their own ax to grind, just ignore them.

That is so lovely that

a) He really wants to go with you all
b) He was confident enough to tel you that
c) He was mature enough to except that finances may not permit it
d) You think you've found a way to afford it

have a wonderful time

Hey, where is mrbojangles1 with all her presumptions??

It is interesting to hear so many views. Fortunately for me my parents are still together, so I have no idea how being a step child can have such an affect on you growing up. I am sorry to hear the stories of those who were left out, or didn't get to see enough of their Dad. Very sad. Hope you are all ok now as adults. It is interesting to hear your take on things.

Yes, based on what he said, we've agreed that it would be very unfair to leave him out. We haven't had a magic injection of cash, but will somehow find a way (maybe borrow a bit). His Mum was actually quite understanding. She knows how difficult it is re finances etc.

For maintenance queries. We do pay a fair amount, but appreciate that it costs a lot to meet his everyday needs. His mum works and has a husband, but we do try. We will pay for uniform, shoes etc if she is finding things tight. DH would give his last penny, and I have to sometimes remind him that we have 2 DCs at home! We give him pocket money and pay for things he might need he constantly texts DH asking for £10 for this and that .

He is a lovely lad, his mum and dad have done a great job and I am proud to call him my son.

Omitting your stepson runs a big risk of damaging what is, from your description, a wonderful relationship between you both that you can be proud of.

So pleased you're all going together. I wouldn't stop his phone contract though as your DH will have even less hope of speaking to him...going on what my dd is like.

But you might be able to find a cheaper contract, my DD has one linked to our TV package which was a good deal.

Fedupateaster- u sound lovely and its sounds as though you are a great stepmum and im glad you are taking him.
Have a lovely holiday, so nice to hear about someone who actually dotes on their stepchild and calls them a son

That's what we were thinking mummytime. He doesn't need 5000 free texts never replies to any we send

It was a little bit more about letting him know that their would be 'sacrifices' to be able to go on holiday. His weekly £10 pocket money will stop as well, unless he really needs it for something.

Thanks pumpkinsweetie :)

Perhaps you could ask him to have a clear out and ebay some of his stuff / car boot it so he can fund some of his own activities/purchases so you get fewer texts for a while