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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU new baby will be 3-4 months, DH planning on 4 day trip away

216 replies

dappply · 06/03/2012 10:39

I have a nearly three year old, and am due to have a second mid May.

One of DH's school friend's is getting married abroad (7 hour journey, 2 flights) at the end of August. We were all invited, but after looking into it we decided it was too much money and effort to go all four of us. DH though asked if I'd mind if he still went on his own. For four days, one for wedding, other three for holiday with other old school friends attending.

I said that I wasn't particularly into the idea, that it's all a bit unknown at the moment about how I'll cope with 2 children. I also said that I wouldn't want it to impact negatively into any holidays we could have as a family, either money wise or annual leave wise. And that I was a bit sad that it would use up 2 days of his annual leave when we've only got 8 to play with for holidays after using the rest for paternity leave.

All in all, I said didn't 't want to stop him and tell him not to go, but am not particularly comfortable with it either. So that although I'd like for it to be totally fine for him to go, I have reservations and can't pretend otherwise as things are a bit to unknown just now.

He's pissed off with me, says I'm trying to control him, and i'm eroding his freedom. And that his annual leave days are his to decide what to do with. He's booked his flights. And says that since I didn't tell him he couldn't go that I should just pretend to be totally fine with it and put up with it when it happens.

AIBU to have acted the way I have?

OP posts:
MadameMessy · 06/03/2012 10:43

I think yabu.
Why do you think you Will not cope with 2 children? You Will have a 3/4 month old, not a newborn, you'll be fine.
Does he tell you you can't do things too?

Sirzy · 06/03/2012 10:44

Can he not just go for 2 nights and come back the day after the wedding? Then it's a bit of compromise.

Shutupanddrive · 06/03/2012 10:46

I think you are both being a bit U. He should not have booked it until it was properly decided, and I would be pissed off more about that to be honest. On the other hand, I don't see a problem with him going assuming you can afford it. It would be different if the baby was 3/4 weeks old, but 3/4 months would be ok with me

Housewifefromheaven · 06/03/2012 10:47

I don't know, the first part first I thought yabu, however after reading the rest yanbu. HIS annual leave? He sounds like an arse!

redskyatnight · 06/03/2012 10:47

I think yabu too. Though some of that is just caused by natural nervousness.
If baby was 3 or 4 days old I would agree but you will be in your stride by the time s/he is 3 or 4 months old. Plenty of women (putting myself in this bracket) have to cope with husbands/partners being away when their DC are small. Presumably you do have friends/family you can call on if need be?

Guessing by his reaction the trip is a big deal for him, 2 days of a/l is not a huge deal especially as he is taking some time off for paternity leave anyway (if the leave is a big deal you could consider him taking less parternity leave - my DH found it was not particularly worthwhile or taking unpaid paternity leave). Saying he "can't" go is being very controlling.

Shutupanddrive · 06/03/2012 10:50

By the way my Dp went back to work (away all week, home at wkends) when ds2 was 4 days old, you will be fine! Smile

hermionestranger · 06/03/2012 10:51

YAbu. My dh was in hospital for over a week when DS1 was 3 months old and then away with work a lot in his few year. With ds2 he had to go away when I was 8 days overdue and he is away most weeks since sometimes for a night sometimes for a week. Why don't you all go and make a holiday out of it? Maybe dh is cross because he thought you were all going and now yoga aren't he's being defensive to hide his emotions.

thisisyesterday · 06/03/2012 10:52

i think YABU too.
you say "it's all a bit unknown at the moment about how I'll cope with 2 children" and I don't really get what you mean... you will cope because you have to cope just like everyone else does.
your husband isn't going to quit his job and help you if you decide you can't cope is he?

unless I am missing something and you are prone to PND or anything like that, in which case I can understand your reservations.
but if not then I can't really see any reason why you wouldn't be able to look after both your children by yourself for a few days

thisisyesterday · 06/03/2012 10:53

if i were you i'd go too though! unless you really can';t afford it. it might be a nice break

FlossieTeacakeShouldFakeIt · 06/03/2012 10:54

YABU. I can't see why you think he shouldn't go? You can have time to yourself at some point in the year and let him look after the dc, so he should be able to have the same. The only difference is that it will limit his time off work, but you can't expect him to spend all his time off work with you and the dc, hehas to keep his own identity too. You should be able to do the same, and if you don't then that's your choice.

DinahMoHum · 06/03/2012 10:54

i think yabu, as long as he would afford you a similar luxury if you wanted it x

takingiteasy · 06/03/2012 10:54

I think YABU if you don't want to go as a family then it's only fair someone gets the option to go alone.

We were in a similar position. Invited to wedding abroad in Sept, baby will be about 6 months by then along wth 6 year old DS. At first it wasn't looking possible for us all to go and straight away DH said 'well we'll make sure you get to go regardless' and it was planned that I'd go out for 3 or 4 nights.

All came good, we've booked up as a family which is obviously more preferable for all of us, but the alternative was in place. I think it's a bit martyr-ish to have an all or nothing attitude to these things. I would have been gutted to missed out on my friends wedding.

FutureNannyOgg · 06/03/2012 10:55

Is he going to have the kids so you can go off for a holiday at a time of your choosing?
I think you should be able to manage (do you have a friend or relative that could stay with you if you did want help?) but I also think that he has a responsibility to consider his family in his decisions, he's behaving like a bachelor. I'm not saying he shouldn't go, but that you should have been more involved in the final decision.

Original poster
dappply · 06/03/2012 10:55

Hopefully it'll be totally fine to be on my own with two. I just don't know that! 7 months pregnant and abit scared to be honest! But that's why I didn't want to say no don't go. I have reservations. But he thinks I should keep my reservations to myself if I don't want to tell him not to go. That I'll make him feel guilty and therefore not enjoy it.

I hate being married sometimes. I don't want to tell someone what they can or can't do. That feels controlling to me. But he says it's more controlling that I'm saying i might not be happy about him going, because he'll not enjoy it and feel guilty controlled while he's there. I feel really sad. I was just being honest. I'd like to go too, but it's too difficult and expensive to Jo with two kids so I know I can't. But that doesn't bother me half as much as the fact that it's now a bloody issue that I'm going to have to pretend to be happy about, or be a controlling wife. Confused :-(

OP posts:
dukeofpork · 06/03/2012 10:56

Either all go, or let him go on his own. YABU I'm afraid. Of course you can look after the kids without him. Or is if a jealousy thing?

Flisspaps · 06/03/2012 10:56

Hmm.

I think that unless you've got an illness or condition that is going to prevent you from looking after a 3 month old and a toddler, then there's no reason why you wouldn't cope. I am due in April and have a two year old, and can't see any reason why I wouldn't be able to manage with the two of them for a few days by myself in the summer.

However, that doesn't excuse his shitty attitude or being pissed off. As a father of two children then he shouldn't be thinking you're eroding his freedom - unfortunately that's part and parcel of being a husband and a father.

FilterCoffee · 06/03/2012 10:57

I think YANBU. At this early stage I think your wishes should take priority.

EMS23 · 06/03/2012 10:58

YABU. Do you have anyone that could come and stay with you while your DH is away? I can understand you're worried about coping but you can put things in place to help you if that's what you need? I'd probably go stay with my mum or get a friend to come over.

NatashaBee · 06/03/2012 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlossieTeacakeShouldFakeIt · 06/03/2012 11:01

You don't have to pretend to be happy about it, but you don't have to show how much you dislike the idea either. You have made your point, he knows how you feel, you have done enough. He is right that you shouldn't be obvious about your disapproval though, so no snidely or sarky comments, no sulking, just forget about it until the time comes. Then when it does come you will know what it's like having two dc, you will be able to focus on what you are going to do, and you can make him book you a spa day or something that you would like to do without him and the dc later.

squeaver · 06/03/2012 11:01

When are you going to go away on your own then?

Kayzr · 06/03/2012 11:01

I think YABU, its for 4 days and the baby will be 3-4 months not a few weeks.

CailinDana · 06/03/2012 11:01

YANBU, at all. I'm really surprised people are saying YABU. My DH wouldn't even contemplate doing this, not for a second. He would never use up his annual leave and spend our money doing something that I can't participate in when I'm at home with two young children, not in a million years. Even if I absolutely insisted that he go, he wouldn't because he wouldn't enjoy it without me there.

Apart from that though, his attitude is absolutely shocking. It's one thing for him to say "Oh come on I really want to go, what can I do to make it better for you?" it's completely another to just book it and tell you to shut up. What a nob!

AWimbaWay · 06/03/2012 11:02

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I'd be annoyed too. Would he be happy for you to go away for 4 days and him use his leave to stay at home with the 2 dcs, I bet he wouldn't even if you wanted to.

thisisyesterday · 06/03/2012 11:02

you're scared of the unknown, that's natural. but honestly, you will be fine

i think you're possibly looking for problems though.. why would it be difficult to all go? there are 2 of you, you take a child each for the flight. can't comment on the cost, but if you would like to go then maybe talk to him again about whether you think you can afford it?

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