AIBU new baby will be 3-4 months, DH planning on 4 day trip away

[dappply]

I have a nearly three year old, and am due to have a second mid May.

One of DH's school friend's is getting married abroad (7 hour journey, 2 flights) at the end of August. We were all invited, but after looking into it we decided it was too much money and effort to go all four of us. DH though asked if I'd mind if he still went on his own. For four days, one for wedding, other three for holiday with other old school friends attending.

I said that I wasn't particularly into the idea, that it's all a bit unknown at the moment about how I'll cope with 2 children. I also said that I wouldn't want it to impact negatively into any holidays we could have as a family, either money wise or annual leave wise. And that I was a bit sad that it would use up 2 days of his annual leave when we've only got 8 to play with for holidays after using the rest for paternity leave.

All in all, I said didn't 't want to stop him and tell him not to go, but am not particularly comfortable with it either. So that although I'd like for it to be totally fine for him to go, I have reservations and can't pretend otherwise as things are a bit to unknown just now.

He's pissed off with me, says I'm trying to control him, and i'm eroding his freedom. And that his annual leave days are his to decide what to do with. He's booked his flights. And says that since I didn't tell him he couldn't go that I should just pretend to be totally fine with it and put up with it when it happens.

AIBU to have acted the way I have?

I wouldn't have beeb thrilled tbh.

I'm sure you would be absolutely fine with your new DC and your other DC on your own for a few days. I was a single mum when DD was born and I managed fine.

However, I do think his attitude is unpleasant. If it had been a work trip or something like that then it would be different but i can totally understand how you feel about it impacting on your family holiday plans for the rest of the year. I also think his "well, I've booked the flights so I'm going and there's nothing you can do about it" is really unfeeling and selfish. He is coming across as very immature actually. So in the light of that I would say YANBU.

Sorry OP, I hadn't read the part where you were saying how very anxious were feeling. It is horrible when you feel like that and I do think your DH is being very unfeeling in ploughing on with this despite your anxieties and understandable reservations.

YABVU. DP went away for work for four days when DD was 2 hours old I coped just like millions of women cope every day. Taking leave was not an option for him at that point because of the nature of his job

He sounds like a total arse for disregarding your feelings on this so YANBU. However you will be absolutely fine. Have you got a friend, or your Mum, who can come and stay while he is away? Suggest you plan some fun activities/days out with the little ones while he is away so that you enjoy yourselves too.

And make sure he knows that he owes you 4 days child-free time at a time of your choice!

Those of you saying, 'I did it because I had to', the op doesn't have to, her dh isn't going away for work, she isn't a single parent, he isn't visiting a sick relative, he's going away on a jolly, it's entirely different. I very much doubt if it were one of the other situations the op would have posted at all, she'd have got on with it because like you she would have to.

OP now he has booked it and everything, best thing to do is think positively about it. You will cope (cos you will have to!) and when you cope with something you were previously worried about then it makes you more confident and stronger able to cope more & more in future - so it will be good for you, cos then in the future if he ever has to go anywhere you won't have to spend your time or energy worrying and can just get on with it, which is much better for you.
It's a wedding so not like he has a choice on the timing of it, and if its important to him i dont think he is really BU to want to go!
Just plan something nice for the whole family, for some of the other days of annual leave, and tell him to bring you back something nice for you and kids from the holiday/wedding
So yabu but if he is being so weird and moody about it then he is bu too

OP I think everyone feels that terror and worry when they're expecting number 2. I know I did. Those worries are perfectly understandable and normal so don't feel like you're a sissy for having them

But don't project those (pefactly natural) worries onto your DH going away.

You will be fine. Being a mother of two. And doing it alone for 4 days.

Alternatively can you get someone (your mom?) to come and stay with you while he's gone?

Good luck dapply and congats on your growing family :)

OP people on here are being very hard on you. It doesn't matter at all if THEY coped (not that you wouldn't cope, of, Of course you would) but I would also have reservations in your shoes. And I'll be honest with you, going from one child to two I found extremely hard for much of that first year (but it does get easier!)

He is being a bit selfish about it all but I don't think YABU. You're only being honest.

I totally get you being nervous about having the two kids. Who knows, the second could have colic, never sleep etc. Not trying to freak you out...
Totally get him wanting to go to the wedding, although is selfish to say it is "his annual leave".

How about he take the two kids with him?
I am serious.
Or one of them. Why the hell not?
But if I were you I would go - might be a lovely break for you all just when you need it.

It´s unlikely that you won´t cope.

If he works you´ll be used to the days on our own anyway-it can seem a drag though when there isn´t the "break" of someone coming home to take a bit of pressure/responsibility off.

But his attitude about "his holiday days" stinks.

Sorry just saw you can't all go for a holiday.
Then send the 3 year old with him.

PS - your second baby will probably be VERY different to your first, too. DD was a velcro baby - when DS was born I was armed to the teeth with slings etc in anticipation. I expected to spend the first 6 weeks lugging DS around and having him sleep on me in bed etc.

Turned out he was the sort of baby you can just feed then put down and off he goes to sleep on his own! (Thank ye heavens!). He really was a revelation to me after DD ...

I'm sorry, i've still got the fear about this. I shall try my best to get a friend to stay (family too old and ill unfortunately). i just remember whenever i was on my own for a weekend when DS was a baby, it not being so much the weekend, but the fact that it meant that it was actually twelve days in a row of being on my own. With the relentless, loneliness, tiredness, boredom. i'll just have to make sure i get alot of people around me those couple of weeks. Doesn't help that it's our wedding anniversary the week before too. Just feel crap about it. and the friend who is getting married isn't a particularly close friend, in the 7 years i've known DH he's seen him two or three times. DS just wants to go because mutual friends are going and it'll be a good party and weekend holiday with mutual friends after. it's not especially the wedding that's important to him.

you're all very kind. thanks so much for the support.

i might suggest he takes the three year old and see what he says. Although it's kind of an empty bluff as we can't afford the extra flight.

yes i'm just going to have to get over it and accept it and make the best of it. which i will!

Seriously buy in some help. You know your DH isn't going to take your 3 year old - so why even bother suggesting it.
Your DH's trip isn't going to be cheap, so bite the bullet & get a temporary mothers help / nanny to give you a hand. Your DH will come back having had a good time & you may have even had a bit of a rest yourself if you get some proper help.
Both you & your DH's needs / wants should be met here. Not just his, with you feelling lonely & resentful.

I think he is is being UR. As mentioned earlier its the attitude that is not on. Make sure you go off for a similar length of time with a friend when you stop feeding.

Oh and make sure you have a sling. I found it invaluable with small baby and toddler - you can wear the baby as you cook tea etc.

if we could afford to buy in help, then we might all be able to afford to go.

He can go far cheaper than all of us, because he can get budget flights at an ungodly hour with hand luggage only that wouldn't have worked for four of us with airport parking and baggage charges, and he can cadge a lift with friends rather than us need to rent a car with carseats, and he can share accomodation in a cheap hostel with friends, rather than us needing to rent a place for the four of us. so it will still cost him to go, but probably nothing like even half of what it'd cost us to go as a family. unless he really drinks and eats alot. which is a possibility

I opened this, expecting to think YABU - baby not newborn, and 2nd honestly is a doddle after 1st, you'll be shocked. However, you gave him your honest feelings on the matter, and didn't ban him, and your concerns about use of leave may be reasonable.

His response, however, sounds really unreasonable - or is it just the way you presented it? Fair enough for him to decide to go. However, his tantrum about you controlling him, eroding his freedom, annual leave days are his to decide what to do with - utter nonsense (or was it just in the heat of the moment?).

I would have recommended holding off on booking flights till nearer the time, because you know, sometimes babies aren't well or whatever after they are born, or the mother. However, it's done now, so I'd say, never mind pretending it's ok, but it is time to suck it up a bit, being honest about your misgivings, but you'll cope. Because you will.

My dh went away with work for 3 days when my dd1 was 11 weeks and that felt really hard, difficult nights. He went away for a couple of nights when dd2 was 4 weeks (dd1 not quite 3), and that was no problem, honestly. And he went for 2 weeks when dd3 was 6 weeks (dd2 18mths, dd1 4). That also was no problem, honestly, though I did go and stay with his parents for 4 days, with his mother coming back with me afterwards for a few days (but 200 miles with a newborn that hated the car was not the easiest of journies!).

You are a much more experienced parent now compared to when you had your first. You will be getting on with dc1's routine and dc2 will be tagging along... that's how it is, and I think it makes life easier.

I wouldn't rush to make arrangements for that time, myself, regarding people coming to stay or whatever. If you're doing fine, you might find you'll enjoy a few man-free days, and it's hard to unmake arrangements. If you want company say, you can make arrangements nearer the time.

If money is that tight, then he shouldn't go. He should be saving every penny to put towards you all as a family and the holiday that you will all go on together.

"DS just wants to go because mutual friends are going and it'll be a good party and weekend holiday with mutual friends after. it's not especially the wedding that's important to him."

That´s not very nice of him, is it?

And if that´s the case I´m not surprised that you´re pissed off tbh.

I think YABU but maybe because I am doing the same thing to DH later this year when a friend gets married in New York. (baby will be a bit older though.)

But whether you are or not, try to keep an open mind about baby and how hard it will be. I relate to what you've said about having found the first months and years with your son SO difficult, but have found things so much easier second time around, even with two to deal with.

don't get me wrong, he loves a good wedding too. he will enjoy the wedding, and the groom is his friend. But not a close friend. ii the time i've known him, the've never to m knowledge met up alone, rang each other up or anything. i've met him three times, once at a new year's party, once at our wedding and once at DH's birthday pub night. Dh's definate best friend is going though, and has already booked his flight. and a few of their mutual friends. it will be fun for them all.

yeah, money was one of my concerns to him too, in that i didn't want it to cost too much so it ends up impacting on a family holiday. or impacting on annual leave time for a family holiday. He says it won't and to trust him. so i guess i should

So it's not even the wedding of a dear friend?

In other words it's a 4 day jolly, that he is going to regardless of anything else.

thanks snapsnafu, that's all very comforting.

i've heard so many differing reports about what it's like having two, some saying it's far easier, some saying it's like a bomb going off. i guess i won;t know what it's like for me for a couple of months. the only thing to be sure of i suppose is that it won;t be exactly like someone else's experience. and that i'll manage!