AIBU new baby will be 3-4 months, DH planning on 4 day trip away

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I have a nearly three year old, and am due to have a second mid May.

One of DH's school friend's is getting married abroad (7 hour journey, 2 flights) at the end of August. We were all invited, but after looking into it we decided it was too much money and effort to go all four of us. DH though asked if I'd mind if he still went on his own. For four days, one for wedding, other three for holiday with other old school friends attending.

I said that I wasn't particularly into the idea, that it's all a bit unknown at the moment about how I'll cope with 2 children. I also said that I wouldn't want it to impact negatively into any holidays we could have as a family, either money wise or annual leave wise. And that I was a bit sad that it would use up 2 days of his annual leave when we've only got 8 to play with for holidays after using the rest for paternity leave.

All in all, I said didn't 't want to stop him and tell him not to go, but am not particularly comfortable with it either. So that although I'd like for it to be totally fine for him to go, I have reservations and can't pretend otherwise as things are a bit to unknown just now.

He's pissed off with me, says I'm trying to control him, and i'm eroding his freedom. And that his annual leave days are his to decide what to do with. He's booked his flights. And says that since I didn't tell him he couldn't go that I should just pretend to be totally fine with it and put up with it when it happens.

AIBU to have acted the way I have?

YABU

It is only 4 days! My husband had to go back to Turkey when his father died for 3 weeks. At Christmas. Leaving me with 2 young children. I managed perfectly fine so I am sure you can cope for 4 days.

I think you're also bu, sorry. People cope every day with 2 children by themselves. For 4 days I'm sure you'll manage. Immediately after the birth would be a different matter, but at 3 or 4 months you'll be feeling much better physically and have some kind of routine in place. It really won't be as hard as you think.

Yabu!!!

Forces wives cope!

Thanks for everyone's honesty. AIBU is always good for a reality check of your head. Wish I didn't feel so sad and like crying though.

I just remember how difficult I found it with ds when he was 3-4 months. I'm scared really. Life had just got easier again, with a bit more freedom. I feel like I'm facing another year or two lack of sleep and freedom. It's all well and good to say that DH could give me a weekend away in return, but realistically that didn't happen with ds till he self weaned at 19 months. I'm using this as counselling now! Feel weird and confused and guilty and sad and scared :-(

YABU, but he is BU in being shitty about it.

Do you have a friend who could come and stay with you?

I don't think you are unreasonable to have reservations. My baby is coming up for 3 months old and has been very colicky since the day he was born, screaming shrilly for hours on end and I don't know when that is likely to improve. I can cope but it's not great fun dealing with it on my own with another young child as well! So I would be less than chuffed if my husband disappeared off for a number of days at this point. And nobody could have predicted that would be what the baby would be like. (this is not to alarm you by the way). That said, you can and will cope on your own-as I would if need be.

I think the real issue here is that he not only wants to go (which is one thing) but he expects you to be all happy clappy about it, when you are understandably less than thrilled at the prospect of being on your own. That seems quite unfair to me, especially as he unilaterally went ahead and made the decision.

I think people are missing the point, of course the op would be capable, but her dh isn't considering his family at all. He is being very selfish using family finances without any negotiation. He also needs to realise that his annual leave is the only time the op will be able to get away too, so in effect it it also her annual leave. He chose to have a wife and family, should he give up all his free time and money for them? No of course not, but he does need to understand he has other people to think about now.

Neither me nor dh would behave like that to each other.

I think you will cope fine but the fact he's doing it anyway, regardless of annual leave, finances etc is unfair. The automatic presumption that you will stay at home with dc would piss me off too.

On that basis yanbu.

Lilac, to be fair, forces wives sign up for the life, and their husbands can't avoid being away. It's clear from what the OP is saying that she really needs her husband's help and reassurance as she is very worried about having two children to look after. IMO if your partner is struggling you don't say "Well, tough, I'm off to have my jolly anyway, shut up," you accept that ok you're not happy about missing out but your partner needs you so you suck it up. No way on earth would I let my DH feel as shit as the OP does just so I could have a laugh.

Sorry but YABU. Just because you are married does not mean that you are not both entitled to a few days away. And coping with two kids is not the big issue you are making it out to be. If you really are struggling with 2 kids when the time comes then get someone to come and stay with you but YABU to say to DH that he can never go away again just in case you can't cope with the kids.

It is a bit childish of him to be shitty about it but TBH if my DH said I couldn't go away for 4 days because he couldn't cope with the kids I would be pissed off too.

I'd be pissed off at his attitude but if going to the wedding means a lot to him then i would think it would be ok for him to go. I have a 3 year old and a now 5 month old and dh went away for a few nights when he was about 2 months. you will be fine i'm sure.

I get, completely, why you don't want him to use his annual leave as it takes away from 'family' time which is very precious.
Your DH obviously assumed that you wouldn't have any problems with him going but it was wrong of him to book it IMO when you were clearly unhappy.
In your shoes I'd be less worried about coping with the little ones (because you will be absolutely fine) and probably more put out that he would be going off abroad with friends while I was stuck missing out at home with a toddler and a baby, possibly to the detriment of a family holiday.

The thing is I wouldn't dream of just booking myself a nice expensive trip away for 4 days and saying there you go Dh, I'm off spending our money, you have to stay at home and look after the dcs, bye! You need to discuss and agree on these things!

Also you had the option of you all going and you decided not to go. So it isn't like he's going off without thinking of you all as a family. It could have been turned into a holiday.

It's probably six of one half dozen of the other as usual when DH and i fall out, isn't it? That neither or both of us is being totally reasonable or unreasonable.

You're all making me feel a right sissy twat for feeling that I might find it difficult with two. I just remember ds being up six times a night at 3-4 months, and being so tired I fainted in the street. I haven't a clue how you cope with that and an active toddler. I guess I'll learn, but we're none of you terrified?

Hmm looks like I am in the minority here but I do not think YABU. I can understand you feeling nervous. Yes probably you will be one of these super capable mothers and it will all be fine but in an ideal world you could wait and see. I was up 9 times last night with my toddler and I have a very sick 5 month old. The thought of my dh going off on hols on his own right now would be horrific! It is probably only this short patch in your life when holidays etc need to be compromised and I don't think his annual leave is to do with as he pleases. I am sure you would always think of the family first and why shouldn't he?

The OP has already said they could not afford to go as a family, financially, so I don't see how making a holiday of it was an option.

I was scared shitless and totally lost when my 1st was 3 months old too. Having the 2nd is a totally different ball game. Even if your 2 chldren have absolutely nothing in common you have at least a good knowledge of the basics and something to compare with.

But they couldn't afford to all go Kayzr, and now the op's dh has spent the money on himself the chances of them all being able to afford to go anywhere are lessened too!

Alright there are 2 issues here.
1 YABU about the holiday/ wedding. It's only four days, 2 of which are annual leave. Really you should be well able to cope with a three year old and a 4 month old. Presumably DH would be well back to work then anyway, so you will be coping during the days.
You probably should have been a bit more helpful in the initial discussion. You sound like you were quite passive aggressive. I don't want to stop you but I have reservations....what was he meant to do with that? Obviously you wanted him to decide not to go, but he did the opposite. That was the risk you took with your approach. Better to have said. Look my issues are x,y and z. If I am really not coping would you cancel, or could we organise someone to come stay with me? Could you just go for 2 or 3 days so we keep more AL? If you had approached it from a let's try and see if we can do this a better way then you may have ended up with a better result. On the other hand
2 DH is now being UR. He obviously felt backed into a corner. But announcing is AL days are his to do what he likes and that you have to pretend to be happy is bullshit. He should have approached in a way less confrontational fashion and tried to work around your reservations.

It's not too late though. He will be going but you should both sit down and come up with a plan on how t make it more comfortable for you. Therefore you dread it less and he doesn't fell guilt. BTW if he knows you are just pretending to be happy would he not feel guilty anyway?

You are not a sissy at all OP and I'm surprised at how harsh people are being with you.

I think you will be able to cope just fine - but I think there is more to this than that.
Your DH really want to go to the wedding & have some time with his mates - which is not unreasonable. What is unreasonable is his lack of understanding as to why this doesn't really float your boat. He is going to be off having a ball & you will be stuck at home on your own looking after a baby & a small child. I would be simmering with resentment & green with envy myself.

How about you suggest that you get in a temporary nanny for those 4 days to help you out? Yes, it will cost a bit, but probably less than his 4 days away & it might give you a bit of a break too?

I don't think YABU, my DH did something similar but when I was coping with 2 DC's (one newborn) and in the middle of writing my final year dissertation for uni. I was massively pissed off. But he went, and so I booked a weekend away with some friends to make sure I got a break a few months later too. He just about coped with the kids and learned a very important lesson about how much work it is on your own!

We tried but couldn't turn it into a holiday. The flights were going to be over a grand. Car hire to get to remote venue another few hundred, with no guaranteed carseats. And not a particularly family friendly holiday destination. If we did it , it would mean no other holiday atall this year.