AIBU new baby will be 3-4 months, DH planning on 4 day trip away

[dappply]

I have a nearly three year old, and am due to have a second mid May.

One of DH's school friend's is getting married abroad (7 hour journey, 2 flights) at the end of August. We were all invited, but after looking into it we decided it was too much money and effort to go all four of us. DH though asked if I'd mind if he still went on his own. For four days, one for wedding, other three for holiday with other old school friends attending.

I said that I wasn't particularly into the idea, that it's all a bit unknown at the moment about how I'll cope with 2 children. I also said that I wouldn't want it to impact negatively into any holidays we could have as a family, either money wise or annual leave wise. And that I was a bit sad that it would use up 2 days of his annual leave when we've only got 8 to play with for holidays after using the rest for paternity leave.

All in all, I said didn't 't want to stop him and tell him not to go, but am not particularly comfortable with it either. So that although I'd like for it to be totally fine for him to go, I have reservations and can't pretend otherwise as things are a bit to unknown just now.

He's pissed off with me, says I'm trying to control him, and i'm eroding his freedom. And that his annual leave days are his to decide what to do with. He's booked his flights. And says that since I didn't tell him he couldn't go that I should just pretend to be totally fine with it and put up with it when it happens.

AIBU to have acted the way I have?

People seem determined to miss the point don't they? It's not about whether dapply can cope on her own. Her DH is being an arse because he wants to use family resources just on himself in a year when those resources are going to be stretched. If the OP does the same in retaliation or as compensation the family loses out twice.

And to use his colleagues' opinion of his home life as an argument is just low. Does he spend all day at work moaning about how his missus won't let him go out, or have a lie-in, or play football? Bloody child, he needs to grow up.

Sorry if I've made you feel worse with my ranting dapply. I'm grumpy too this morning.

"Oh, and fuck spa days. I'd rather spend 48 hours watching Grandpa in my Pocket."

:o

Steady on!

sorry to harp on, this is more to other posters whosay you're being unreasonable: my dh works away 3-4 day stretches several times a month. We have no local family support and the only friends who offer help are those with littlies themselves so the help, if forthcoming might only be for ten mins or so while I pop in a shop or change a nappy. My baby does not sleep, my toddler is manic. I go to lots of groups for my toddler to socialise & let off steam and for me to have some adult company.
To get out to these groups is no mean feat & after feeds, bum changes, finding the energy to dress a wriggling escaping toddler, the house is left a shit pit and another day goes by where my hair is left in knots and forming dreadlocks. I can't find anything in the house and feel like I'm chasing my tail every day........what am I doing that's so wrong if so many of you are finding it a toddler?

haven't read the whole thread but agree that partners with kids do have a responsibility to consider their annual leave as a joint resource. Family-related time off has to come first, then you get to build in personal time off. It's good I think for each partner to have some mental health days off just for themselves where they do their own thing, but not everyone has enough leave to allow for that, and this is something much more indulgent and costly.

Have to say, also, that this is where the hidden selfishness of people getting married abroad causes problems (have seen this on a new other threads lately). Yes, it may be cheaper for them, but it tends to displace extra costs onto any guests invited and put people in an awkward position.

I also think you sound ace dappply. And I am totally with you on the idea that if there are resources to be spent then it's not a case of each partner going off to do their own thing. Sure everyone needs a life/identity away from the family but particularly when the children are little, the balance needs to swing the other way. That's not being controlling, that's parenting.

speshulbroo - you are not alone. I also find it weird when people say looking after 2 littlies is not that hard. I had 2 under 2 at one point and it was hell. I couldn't have coped with the evenings on my own. DH had to put DS to sleep while I breastfed DD to sleep. Their needs were so different, it was hellish during the day. As soon as my DH walked in through the door, i'd virtually throw the kids at him and hide in the room! Both kids were very demanding emotionally and physically. DS still wanted me to carry him, more so because he sawy me carrying DD around all the time, who was a velcro baby and constantly in the sling. DS would cry for me to pick him, I'd put DD down and then she'd cry, so and so forth. DS wasnt't sleeping through, so DH dealt with him, I dealt with DD's night wakings.
It would have been very tough for me if DH wasnt' there for the evenings and the nights.

It's alright Quennelle! It's nothing that I haven't already thought.

To be fair to DH, he's brilliant most of the time and does support me to do lots of things that I really value. Him going away won't theoretically necessarily stop us having a family holiday. It'll probably be possible to do both. I couldn't 't afford a tit for tat weekend away tho without eating into holiday budget, which I don't want to do really.

Although I'm sorely tempted to just not come home after being away for work these next few days. Where should I go? Altho to be honest I'd miss ds too much

Dappply I'm with you here and do not think YANBU at all. For both being nervous about being left alone with two children and for the fact he is using family money and AL.

I have a 2yo and 4mo and DH has been around for all bedtimes so far as I am far too nrevous to do it on my own. I know full well that makes me sound totally pathetic and hold my hands up to that. But I have a rather crazy tasmanian devil of a toddler, and a baby that even at 4m still hates being put down, cluster feeds in the evening and wakes every two hours, sometimes more, every night. Unfortunately I've been feeling quite down too so add that to the mix and it means that although DS2 is getting older I still need support.

I'm certainly not saying that you will have the same issues at me, and a three yo will be easier to manage than a two yo. But, as someone has already said, it doesn't matter one jot that other people find dealing with two a breeze. Not everyone does, but that does not make them a bad person!

If you can get someone to come and help you just for the couple of hours around bedtime that could make all the difference. But you'll be absolutely fine.

And your DH's attitude totally and utterly stinks. You are not being controlling at all. You are thinking about the practicalities of having a young family from both a logistical and also financial point of view. He is not. I know my DH gets sad that he doensn't have the freedom he used to have just to go to the pub to meet his friends whenever he likes (and he does go out, usually at least once a week, he just goes after the boys are in bed) but he completely accepts that his priorities have now changed, he is a dad now and has equal responsibilty for the DC's. He always takes my feelings into account, and if he wants to do something that will take him away for a while, we will discuss it, work out the best way that will have the least impact on us as a family.

You will be fine, you will cope. But worrying about it is completely normal and don't let anyone make you feel that you are being stupid for being nervous and unsure

"I know my DH gets sad that he doensn't have the freedom he used to have just to go to the pub to meet his friends whenever he likes."

Don't we all? :)

Here here athing! Think I might go and stick on my Wonderstuff CD and pretend I'm 18 again....

Choceyes: thank you , that's exactly what I was trying to say.
Weirdly I posted a few weeks ago about struggling with my two under two and the responses from the AIBU women were amazing, so kind, generous, understanding and thoughtful. They made me cry with relief and I really don't get why people have been so harsh with Dappply?
I wonder if it's a warped form of feminism: we must never admit that we need a male to help us to manage? Are we so against showing vulnerability now? Do we just have to 'cope' because others have and do?

"I wonder if it's a warped form of feminism: we must never admit that we need a male to help us to manage?"

No, it's not the feminists who think it is "controlling" a man to expect him to be an equal domestic partner.

I don't need "a male" to help me manage my womanly tasks, I just need both the parents of my children to pull their weight.

speshul The right responses re: being able to manage should have been "don't worry, you'll be fine, people manage so there's no reason why you won't though we understand why it seems scary". Not "how do you think forces wife coped", "my DH went away when the baby was hours old and I was fine so don't be so silly" "women have been managing for hundreds of years.." yadayada....

A little empathy costs nothing. Not everyone is a super-confident mum. I saw something recently that said "if they can't cope with two why did they have a second?" In my baby blur I can't remember if that was on MN or elsewhere but I thought that was an awful thing to say! The baby stage, even after the newborn weeks are over, can be incredibly hard, and if someone is expecting to be able to share that load with a partner then it will inevitably be daunting if that partner happens not to be around or a while, even if that's just for four days.

Thanks ladies for the lovely lovely empathy and understanding.

I still think it's 50:50 tho. Neither of us are totally right or wrong. It always ends up like this. Then we let it drop. Until the next time we hit a problem. We don't ever seem to resolve anything, just acknowledge we disagree, and move on.

Yanbu.
If the trip is already booked and going ahead, have a discussion about what can he do in advance to make you feel more prepared for him being away? Can he cook some batch meals so if you are absolutely shattered everyone is still fed? Make sure he has no expectations of coming back to a pristine home with all the laundry done, whatever it is you feel you are worrying about, discuss with him. Plan yourself a day out somewhere so you're not stuck at home with 2 young kids resenting him being away during precious weekend/ holiday time.
Also, he needs to know that in future, how he uses his annual leave is a family discussion! Maybe he feels he needs to have a couple of those days set aside for him each year, but he needs to know he should be discussing that with you not telling you and you having to lump it!

"if they can't cope with two why did they have a second?" In my baby blur I can't remember if that was on MN or elsewhere but I thought that was an awful thing to say!

What a stupid thing to say :o

How can you know you won't cope with two until you have two?

I struggled with one, but then found two an absolute joy.

I never could have predicted that.

DD2 was just (mostly - she had her moments, like they all do) a really easy baby and I loved having a toddler to keep me (and her) entertained.

And I was still delighted to see DH at the end of the day and have DD1 monopolise him until bedtime so I could deal with the baby uninterrupted.

" Neither of us are totally right or wrong."

He's totally wrong to accuse you of being controlling if he doesn't get to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.

Whether or not it is fair for him to go on this trip is a judgement call. In our house, in similar circumstances, DH would not be going because we would be holding onto his A/L for various family commitments.

But I can see that you could well be fine looking after 2 children alone for a few days when the baby is 4 months old, so depending on what else the holiday is needed for (in our case for visits to his family overseas, which he wants to prioritise) it might be fine for him to go.

But whichever decision is right, the way he has spoken to you is so demeaning and disrespectful that you shouldn't just accept that you are both in the wrong.

How can you negotiate shared responsibilities with someone who pulls that kind of adolescent bullshit when he doesn't get his own way?

Don't wait until the next time he's making a unilateral decision that will have a major impact on you to raise his shitty attitude with him. He needs to treat you as a partner, not his mother.

Yanbu, I've read about 80% of this thread and I'm annoyed on your behalf!

Yes you can cope looking after 2 children on your own. But why should you? Why should you be put in a position of having to cope so your dh can go on a jolly? Why make life harder than it has to be, there are no medals for it after all.

Doing everything yourself, on your own, whether you have to or not, does not make you better. Ime it makes you bitter, particularly if you feel others have got it 'easier' than you.

And, btw, eat what you want for tea and watch what you want on telly all the time! I do and my dh does without either of us having to leave the country.. These things shouldn't be seen as treats.

I can understand you being nervous about how you will cope but really I don't think that is the issue here. I think it is more about his attitude that it's his annual leave, etc. As others have said, would he be happy for you to bog off for a four day jolly leaving him in charge? (And having to take his annual leave to do so..?)

Difficult to say how best to handle it now it's going to happen whatever, but I guess it's nice that you've got someone who you think will be useful to have around and you are going to miss! Mine went away a lot for work before and after dc1 was born and he wasn't a great deal of use to be honest!

having read the whole thread i dont think yabu, you WILL cope and it will be fine but its not fair for him to guilt you and say that his friends think he is a martyr because he doesnt always drink loads as he has to help wiht the kids the next day or to miss football so you can work! ffs he is a parent as well and that is part of parenting!

also he is not fair when he says its HIS time off etc, yes it is his time off but he has a family to consider and the finance issue as well makes me think he is being unreasonable, if its giong to make money tight then he needs to look at ways of making it cheaper, making it a shorted trip maybe?

op you will be fine, my dp works crazy hours and is away over the summer holidays and we have 5, he is often out 4 nights a week or a week in the school holidays and i do manage, i PLAN, so i know we have stuff to do and a i arrange for a friend to come round and help etc, but its not always easy nad there is nothing wrong in letting your partner know that or in sharing your concerns with him which is what you are doing.

my first was a nightmare baby, just awful, really hard work, the other 4 have never been as bad and ds2 was pretty good, had his moments but i was pleasantly suprised that it wasnt as bad as first time round and it never is really or you wouldnt do it again and i wouldnt have had 5! :)

i think its more the issue of time off work and finances and his attitude that you are smothering him that makes him unreasonable when the reality is this is family life, you both chose to have children and that involves making compromises.

Not read the thread - but I don't get one thing: paternity leave is on top of your annual leave entitlement.

My DH is awash with leave - since he'll be getting his 2 wks paternity leave, and since we've not booked/had any family holidays this year until baby is born and we're in a comfortable routine.

4 days is not long (frankly - many people would want to stay at least a week after a 7 hour flight).

Can you match it with a treat for yourself (with DC concurrently, or without DC at another time) - e.g. don't cook while he's away, and get an agency to send a cleaner to give the place a spring clean. Or arrange a weekend away with your friends once you;ve weaned DC2.

"I don't get one thing: paternity leave is on top of your annual leave entitlement."

I don't get one thing: why you don't think it matters that paternity leave is far less than many men earn, and a lot of families can't afford for them to take it.

This will be our 3rd baby. DH has never taken SPL because he doesn't want to give up so much pay just before my earnings drop.

So what P/L he takes will be annual leave. I don't think that's unusual.

OK - point taken - my DH's company pay paternity leave at normal rate (which - tbh - should be the law- but I do know it isn't).

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

The prospect of going from one baby to two seems daunting to most parents. It is natural to wonder how, in extended periods of being in sole charge of your DCs, you will manage to cope. But, you will.

It is just a shame that you are having to worry about this now, and DH is not being particularly thoughtful in the way he has gone about organising it.

I would choose a time to sit down and discuss it properly, where you can put your reasonable point of view, and ensure that you are not made to feel like you are spoiling his fun because you have raised valid reservations. He needs to take equal responsibility and grow up, it seems. And you will need to book some time out too. Good luck!

It sounds like a done deal to me. Hope u can afford to go away as a family though? And of course down the line u must also have a girls mini break! He can't object can he? I would live with it, wish him a good time and plan a family break.