AIBU new baby will be 3-4 months, DH planning on 4 day trip away

[dappply]

I have a nearly three year old, and am due to have a second mid May.

One of DH's school friend's is getting married abroad (7 hour journey, 2 flights) at the end of August. We were all invited, but after looking into it we decided it was too much money and effort to go all four of us. DH though asked if I'd mind if he still went on his own. For four days, one for wedding, other three for holiday with other old school friends attending.

I said that I wasn't particularly into the idea, that it's all a bit unknown at the moment about how I'll cope with 2 children. I also said that I wouldn't want it to impact negatively into any holidays we could have as a family, either money wise or annual leave wise. And that I was a bit sad that it would use up 2 days of his annual leave when we've only got 8 to play with for holidays after using the rest for paternity leave.

All in all, I said didn't 't want to stop him and tell him not to go, but am not particularly comfortable with it either. So that although I'd like for it to be totally fine for him to go, I have reservations and can't pretend otherwise as things are a bit to unknown just now.

He's pissed off with me, says I'm trying to control him, and i'm eroding his freedom. And that his annual leave days are his to decide what to do with. He's booked his flights. And says that since I didn't tell him he couldn't go that I should just pretend to be totally fine with it and put up with it when it happens.

AIBU to have acted the way I have?

I don't think YABU, I think it's not just that he is going, it's his whole attitude and lack of empathy that i would find upsetting. His priority should be you, and his children and it sounds as though you are being railroaded into something that affects you all, which isn't fair and is quite selfish of him.

You will cope fine dappply! Presumably you would be coping by yourself during the daytimes anyway if DH was at work? So it's only the evening and the nightshifts to deal with. Hopefully by 3 months your baby will be settling ok at night, get yourself lots of easy meals (pre-cook and freeze or get ready meals in) and chocolate , plan to be really easy on yourself during the time he's away, eg don't clean like a maniac, do the bare minimum, don't plan any difficult trips out with the DC, just try to make it as simple as possible. Draft in extra help from friends/relatives if you can and feel happy in the knowledge that he is getting to do something that he really wants, and that he will owe you big-time for something special you want to do in future

My husband has done the same with both my older children. He goes to Scotland every two tears for four days to watch the rugby every two years. I don't really mind as he he doesn't go out very often. I find if I don't make too much of a fuss he seems happy not to want to go out very often. You'll cope just fine, make sure you have some time to yourself when he gets home! A shopping trip perhaps! Good luck.

I think his reaction is quite horrible. Not to mention the fact that it will impact upon finances and annual leave. He's being an arse to say he wants to be able to do exactly what he wants without your input.

How would he react if you decided to do something just by yourself, leaving both the kids with him for a few days?

If the issue is just financial and annual leave you could have discussed that with him. That's not telling him he can or can't go, it's just a discussion about can you afford it, will you be able to all go on holiday next year etc etc

I think YABU as you didn't discuss this first, I think that you wanted him to say he wouldn't dream of going without you as that would have made you happy and is probably what you would have done but you should have had the conversation first.

I don't see the problem, as long as he's happy to do the same for you if you want to go for a holiday or a weekend away with friends sometime.

It can't be impossible to 'cope' with two children surely, or how do single parents manage, or families where one parent works away during the week? If you really think you can't do it, is there a possibility of asking family for help, or using some paid childcare?

I had a similar situation to you OP as my DH was offered a 5 day trip away at someone else's expense when DS was tiny.

I really didn't want him to go. Mainly due to the fact that he worked 80+ hours a week at that time and only took about 2 weeks holiday a year (self-employed), never had any paternity leave etc etc. I didn't want him to use his time off being away from home.

Anyway, he has now changed his job and is currently not working much at all so he finally got round to taking the trip last week (DS is 5 and a half!). In those 5 days I got a stomach bug, then DS got a stomach bug and a fever and I managed to hurt my back so badly that I couldn't move for 2 days.

But you know what? It was absolutely fine! I coped. And when he came back he was well-rested and picked up the slack.

I don't think you are a sissy. I understand your reservations. I just think your approach was wrong. You obviously didn't want him to go and felt just saying you had reservations should make him decide not to. He obviously wanted to go. If my DH wanted to do something like this I would want to facilitate him as it is just a one off. I would be honest about what my problems where and try to come up with solutions together.

Honestly you will be fine. I am sure. Think of the peace, being able to watch whatever you want on tv, spread out in bed, get yourself takeaways

My DP works away for 8 weeks. He is currently in Malaysia and I am 6 months pregnant. He is going to miss the birth of his first baby and won't meet her until she's about 2 weeks old. It's pants but we get on with it. My boys miss him like mad and I do have moments where I wish I could go back to bed but I have to get on with it.

Good grief, get on with it, YABU

Thanks everyone. I always find AIBU really helps to straighten my head out about things like this and stops me feeling so shit and stops me being so fed up with DH, as I always get a pretty even split of opinions and reading them helps me come to terms with the situation. Thanks to everyone who has sympathised and empathised, you've helped me feel not so crap . And thanks to everyone being harsh at me too, good to see my husband's not a twat too. And thanks blue fergie, really enjoyed your proactive post. I was already thinking of getting someone to come and stay while he was away. Shall just have to make that my focus.

Dapply

Sounds like this is really about your fears of the unknown of having another baby (understandable!)

My DS is four months now - DD will be three in June.

Some reassurance - it is a big shock to the system, having two - you get used to having sleep at night when you only have a toddler. On the other hand, having the baby this time round will be much easier - as you already feel like a parent. Last time round so much of the hard work was trying to grow mentally into that role. This time round I am sure you will find baby a doddle - OK, they need feeding and changing and cuddling a lot, but they are much easier than a toddler you have to negotiate with all the time !

The challenges with two tend to be logistical. Eg How DO you bath them both and get them both to bed at the same time? How do you get them both ready to leave the house on time! But it is just a skill you have to learn, first time you do it will be total chaos, the toddler will be overtired and yelling and shivering in the bath as you are sitting feeding baby etc. But over the first weeks you will work out your own little system and learn a few tricks of what to do. By the time baby is 3 months, you will be doing supper bath and bedtime for the two of them like a pro and will be downstairs at 7.30 sipping your in peace!

Still bloomin hard work though, but it is lovely having two! By three/four months your baby will be a proper little character and starting to play with your toddler (so sweet to see).

It is only 2 days of your DH's annual leave. Please give him a break OP. You still have 6 days of his annual leave for a family holiday. And it is for a wedding for what sounds like one of his oldest friends, rather than just a standard holiday. You told him that you were not particularly into the idea of going so it is unfair of you to make him feel bad about wanting to go. Just because he wants 4 days away from his family it does not make him someone who does not prioritise his family.

Sorry, I think YABU. Your statement "I said didn't 't want to stop him and tell him not to go, but am not particularly comfortable with it either" is particularly unhelpful as it seems you are just trying to guilt trip him into not going. So if you said that, it is unreasonable to complain that he went ahead and booked the flights. It's a shame you can't all go, but I think YABU for stopping him going. And complaining about his annual leave, when it's only two days. It does sound like you are trying to control what he can do with his holidays.

It's his attitude that I find unreasonable tbh.

4 nights away from dh? Not a problem. In fact, my own dh is away for a week in April. We have 3 dc and both work. Still not a problem.

The fuck you, I'm off anyway regardless of your feelings, money, leave, family holiday etc is unacceptable.

He is acting like a single man with no responsibilities.

Thanks bumpsadaisie, that made me cry :-)

I am a bit scared.

He probably is too.

Oh well.

You'll be fine!! Honest

Aw thanks dappply. Glad to be of help. Just one more thing. On no account accept that hisvAL is his alone. It is primarily family time so you have as much say as he does in it. I am a SAHM and I regard DHs AL as mine as well. After all it is when I get a break too.
I shall go now and start being proactive in real life rather than just on MN.

Thanks all. This has helped. I need to go now and get DS so won't be responding for the rest of the day, so sorry to those I've not response to personally and to anyone else who posts after this. I value all your opinions, thanks again. Cricket this being married with children is complicated eh?

Crikey not cricket!

yabu

I think your dh has left you in a no-win situation:

"He's pissed off with me, says I'm trying to control him, and i'm eroding his freedom." and "And says that since I didn't tell him he couldn't go that I should just pretend to be totally fine with it and put up with it when it happens."

So if you object to him going then you are being controlling, but if you don't object then it means he's free to do exactly as he pleases and you should have a smile on your face when he does so? It doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me.

It's utterly irrelevant whether or not other women would be able to cope alone. It makes not one tiny bit of difference whether the woman down the road is on her own with two sets of quadruplets and a set of triplets. What matters is whether the OP feels able to cope.

The OP is 7mths pregnant and feeling unsure of what it will be like to look after a baby and a toddler by herself. Her dh asked for her opinion. The OP was honest and told him how she felt. How is that unreasonable?

How many times on here do we see posts where MNers tell other MNers that they don't have to be the "cool wife" who goes along with everything when they actually have doubts? Why is this situation any different?

Well I don't think YABU. You've only been honest! I think that would be my reaction too - go if you really want to but it doesn't exactly thrill me. He wants you to lie and pretend you are completely happy about it, just so he doesn't have it on his conscience? Selfish man. And the bit about his annual leave being his to do what he likes with? Now that's really twattish.

But then, I also have a second dc due in May and I'm wondering how the hell I'll cope with that sleep deprivation again with a toddler to deal with. And to all those who say get someone to stay with you to help, or go to your mum's, not everyone is so fortunate.

Thank you both x