AIBU new baby will be 3-4 months, DH planning on 4 day trip away

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I have a nearly three year old, and am due to have a second mid May.

One of DH's school friend's is getting married abroad (7 hour journey, 2 flights) at the end of August. We were all invited, but after looking into it we decided it was too much money and effort to go all four of us. DH though asked if I'd mind if he still went on his own. For four days, one for wedding, other three for holiday with other old school friends attending.

I said that I wasn't particularly into the idea, that it's all a bit unknown at the moment about how I'll cope with 2 children. I also said that I wouldn't want it to impact negatively into any holidays we could have as a family, either money wise or annual leave wise. And that I was a bit sad that it would use up 2 days of his annual leave when we've only got 8 to play with for holidays after using the rest for paternity leave.

All in all, I said didn't 't want to stop him and tell him not to go, but am not particularly comfortable with it either. So that although I'd like for it to be totally fine for him to go, I have reservations and can't pretend otherwise as things are a bit to unknown just now.

He's pissed off with me, says I'm trying to control him, and i'm eroding his freedom. And that his annual leave days are his to decide what to do with. He's booked his flights. And says that since I didn't tell him he couldn't go that I should just pretend to be totally fine with it and put up with it when it happens.

AIBU to have acted the way I have?

I'm surprised so many seem to think that they have an equal right to their partner's annual leave entitlement? It's not like family income, it is the worker's entitlement to time off.

My DP has very limited annual leave and I wouldn't dream of saying when they could and couldn't use it. Of course, I would like us all to have holidays together, but if DP wants to use leave for some other purpose, then surely that's their prerogative? And if that's a few days in the year to see mates, have a lazy day at home, or whatever, I really don't see the issue.

If DP didn't want to spend any annual leave with the family, then obviously there would be an worry as to why that was. But I wouldn't feel that it was my right to dictate their use of their leave.

I disagree amateurish If you are a sahm then you are looking after dp's and your children in order for him to work thus accumulate leave time.His leave should therefore be spent with the family and having some quality time with his children.

DH and I pool all our resources now that we have a family.

That means our money and our time.

at "worker's entitlement"

My legal entitlement to paid leave doesn't mean a legal entitlement to do whatever the fuck I please at my husband's expense.

What I owe him (and he me) by virtue of doing this whole family thing together is that our joint responsibilities (which bring us both great joy and fulfilment) are attended to first before we take family resources to please ourselves.

Nobody needs to tell anyone what to do. It shouldn't need saying that if you fuck off for a fortnight to spend your "worker's entitlement" and our money on yourself, that you thereby control me by forcing me to look after our children unassisted for two weeks.

I disagree too Amateurish. If the father has to use Annual Leave in place of Paternity Leave it's going to leave them with only a limited amount of time off for the rest of that year. In those circumstances it is selfish of him to use his remaining AL on himself with no consideration for his family's needs.

haha can you imagine it athing In my the real world a/l is usually taken to cover the childrens school holidays.
I haver got the week off next week as its Cheltenham races and its too hard to get from a to b and im having one day there,but ive made arrangments for sitters whilst dh works and sits an exam.I wouldnt just expect him to step in just cos its my leave entitlement.

Amateurish, the reason it's shared annual leave is because we made the joint decision that I would give up my job and therefore my annual leave to look after OUR children. I do this everyday, I don't get 'time off'. We don't have family near by and can't afford childcare so the only time I would get time away like the op's dh is if my dh took time off work to look after OUR children.

Coming late, but I think you are being a little unreasonable and he reacted like a prat.
If it is a good friend it makes sense for him to go.
It's not as if you had a newborn then.

Ba ha ha - Amateurish - and how does, ahem, 'annual leave' work for a SAHM?

Do I book it with my DH? Do I have an annual entitlement? How many days is that, exactly? And who does my job, when I'm taking said leave?

Nobody in a half decent relationship dictates what the other can or can't do with their money/time/whatever. You discuss things like grown adults in a mutually satisfying partnership and come to an agreement.

YANBU. Why should he get to go on a jolly and waste the families money and the families holiday leaving you in the (potential) shit? Yes, some women are happy for their husbands to do whatever they like whenever they like and go out on the piss all the time followed by day long hangovers and go on holidays by themselves blah blah blah but my husband is my partner not my child, and our goal is our families happiness, not his alone.

Your DH needs to grow up and accept that he is not 18 anymore and his priorities need to change.

However, if DH wanted to do the same thing he would have come up with a plan along the lines of "I really really want to go so I have asked x and y if they are free to come and help out, and I will freeze meals ahead for you and clean the house the week before so you have as easy time as possible" and I would probably have said yes. If he had said "I want to go" then booked tickets I would be completely pissed off. As you have a right to be.

Two weeks' paternity leave is a statutory entitlement. Why did your DH have to take annual leave instead?

Can't your mum or DH's mum come to help you while he's away.

Our dc are 17 and 13. At that time there was no such thing as paternity leave. My DH took four days off, my mother then came for a week. With dd, dh had three or four days off, his mother did a couple of days and from day 8, I managed. Will also add that the first year with two dc, dh was forging his career and that year worked every weekend bar 5. We had a two week holiday that year about 15 miles from my parents, the pils came and dh did a long weekend the first weekend, commuted to work for the next few days then did a week and came back for the final weekend.

That first year when he was forging his career he worked every weekend bar 5. I think you are being a bit unreasonable really.

"That first year when he was forging his career he worked every weekend bar 5. I think you are being a bit unreasonable really."

Now children, this is what we call a non-sequitur.

statutory paternity leave at £102 a week vs annual leave at full pay? erm....

This is a bit of a tricky one. You are both being a bit unreasonable but have more sympathy for your natural reservations. He sounds like a spoiled bwat. The money / AL thing would piss me off more - that you're all going to potentially miss out on a holiday together so he can escape off. I think the two day thing would have been a decent compromise.

I think he needs to ensure that you have some support in place, be it a cleaner on one of those days and some childcare to give you a break. If hes swanning off, it's important that you aren't on your knees whilst he has his holiday. You could really resent it otherwise.

can a friend come to stay?