AIBU new baby will be 3-4 months, DH planning on 4 day trip away

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I have a nearly three year old, and am due to have a second mid May.

One of DH's school friend's is getting married abroad (7 hour journey, 2 flights) at the end of August. We were all invited, but after looking into it we decided it was too much money and effort to go all four of us. DH though asked if I'd mind if he still went on his own. For four days, one for wedding, other three for holiday with other old school friends attending.

I said that I wasn't particularly into the idea, that it's all a bit unknown at the moment about how I'll cope with 2 children. I also said that I wouldn't want it to impact negatively into any holidays we could have as a family, either money wise or annual leave wise. And that I was a bit sad that it would use up 2 days of his annual leave when we've only got 8 to play with for holidays after using the rest for paternity leave.

All in all, I said didn't 't want to stop him and tell him not to go, but am not particularly comfortable with it either. So that although I'd like for it to be totally fine for him to go, I have reservations and can't pretend otherwise as things are a bit to unknown just now.

He's pissed off with me, says I'm trying to control him, and i'm eroding his freedom. And that his annual leave days are his to decide what to do with. He's booked his flights. And says that since I didn't tell him he couldn't go that I should just pretend to be totally fine with it and put up with it when it happens.

AIBU to have acted the way I have?

Your DH lost me at his annual leave days are his to decide what to do with.

You just can't afford to be that selfish when you have a family and a new baby.

I can't actually believe people are saying yabu. I feel like whenever one of these threads come up people jump to say yabu and I have no idea why, maybe they think you should be chained to the kitchen sink too?

Your children are also his responsibility, after 9 months of carrying a baby which takes a massive toll on a woman (not a man) he expects to be able to take a little holiday??? If anyone needs and deserves a holiday it will be you. That's not even taking into consideration how hard the first few months are. IMO he should be at home picking up his share of the housework and childcare and making sure you are recovering,

I think he is being very selfish,

Oh and YADNBU

Ahh, OP you sound so sad.

I don't think YABU.

Both me and my DH go away without each other, but we'd never do this at the expense of family time, if it used money from family hols or annual leave, unless it was totally mutually agreed.

I don't think the issue here is the new baby, you'll be fine with that, honest you will. Two children are a doddle once you've over the chock of the first,

It's his use of family money and family time when he knows your not happy about it, when he knows you are worried and anxious, and then being quite nasty towards you about it.

That would make me very sad too.

You've been put in a no win situation.

It's a hard thing to draw a line under within a relationship but you need to consider with him how you can meet each other halfway and understand each other.

I think anyone selfishly cutting into the family time and money in such a way is being unreasonable and can go pack sand.

When we have the money and time, fine - when not though - suck it up, dude.

So, without more detail into exactly how it's affecting you guys - it's hard to say.

Based on kids alone - you'll be fine - and in actuality, you'll probably enjoy the break from having to look after him as well as the kids :-)

For me, I´d also be upset that he was happy tp go away & didn´t want to spend all possible time with baby.

I think he is being very unreasonable with his actions and attitudes.

However, a little part of me is thinking don't be such a wuss. My DH works away from home 4 days a week (it was 5 when DD2 was born) and I manage. Bath and bedtime is a little easier when he's around, but it's not insurmountable.

I do understand the fear of the unknown when you're pregnant, though. Believe me, it's worse than the reality of a baby and toddler. DD1 was 22 months when DD2 was born, nearly a year ago.

The second time around was easier in a lot of ways. For a start, you know that for whatever phase the baby is going through, be it not sleeping, not feeding as well as you'd like, you aren't as worried because you know it will pass.

With most things, you know you can do it, because you already have (eg breastfeeding). And you already have your toddler's routine sorted out, so it's mostly a matter of squeezing the baby into that, which is sometimes awkward but mostly easier than working it out from scratch.

Also, because of all these things, you may find that when the baby comes, you'll actually be more relaxed, which in turn will make the baby more relaxed and easier to cope with. My second fed and slept much better than my first, so a lot of my worries about dealing with a non sleeping baby and toddler too didn't come true anyway.

Oh, and a piece of practical advice - I found a baby swing chair invaluable for doing bathtimes in the early days, until DD2 was old enough to bath with DD1.

You are BU for preventing him (albeit in an emotional rather than physical way) from going to his old schoolfriend's wedding.

He is BU as he asked and then totally disregarded your feedback...why did he even bother asking if he was going to ride rough-shod over whatever you said anyways?

Don't think you are being either unreasonable or a wuss. I would feel 100% the same way.

Well I don't think yabu and my DH didn't take paternity leave/has cycling holidays blah blah blah [yes I'm such a coper/martyr]

But its a joint decision and that's key. He wouldn't have done it if I wasn't happy with it or there was no choice in the matter.

And you will cope - my eldest was a nightmare baby and my second was an absolute dream

And he needs to rethink his attidude regarding 'his' leave etc - you're a family and whilst he doesn't need your permission to do things its only polite to discuss things especially with a worried and heavily pregnant wife.

YABU. You'll be fine with 2 children.

Okay when mine were tiny DH tended to work at least a week a month overseas. However all babies are different, so hopefully this one will sleep better. I never got up that many times in the night BTW, I'd take them in bed with me if necessary. DC2 was my nightmare because she was nocturnal for about 6 months, and I still remember the joy of the first night she slept for 7 hours.
My big query is why is he using 2 week of annual leave for paternity leave? We always got it as an extra, and from my reading of the DirectGov website you should be too.
However I would also make it clear to him that his family has to come first. Ask him what he would do if you or one of the kids was seriously ill when he was about to go? What he will do to make sure you can cope when he is away? These are genuine questions.

But you are all missing the point - it should be a joint decision. It's about how many days holiday they have together. I am sick of the idea that men can swan off any time they bloody well like. Would he do the same for her?

Looking after the children is a joint activity so if someone is going off for a few days both parties need to agree. he sounds like a wanker to me....so do a lot of men on here. With a bunch of women who are brain washed into thinking that men have to go off and do their thing whenever they like. Bollocks.

You'll be fine with 2, it's scary at first, but by 3-4 months you'll have things all sorted. I can remember being scared of just getting to the park and back to start with, specially seeing as DS has a habit of running away as soon as there's a moving car in sight but he's got pretty good at holding onto the buggy now and I've been really impressed at how he has adapted to a new baby- your first will too.

So you'll be OK without him for a few days......

However,

I think after a few days by yourself that you would deserve a little treat for yourself, like a massage, trip out somewhere nice, mini break to the seaside etc...(with him doing all the work with the kids and you doing the bare minimum such as feeding) So maybe he should only go if you can afford this as well, only seems fair to me.

I don't think it's unreasonable of him to go and yes you will be fine. I DO think it's unreasonable of him to book it when you haven't actually agreed though.

Also OP you are now entering the hard bit of pregnancy - third trimester plus toddler isn't easy either! I sound like a merchant of doom, but it does mean that once baby is out it is a relief in a way! You can actually put a born baby down, after all!

By the time baby is ready to be born you will be "bring it on" rather than afraid (largely cos you will be so fed up of late pregnancy plus toddler!!!)

Its all good .... . I'm a wuss and I coped, and so will you.

Already feeling it . So tired and uncomfortable all the time with constant heartburn and spd, trying to do tonnes if freelance jobs with only one day's Childcare and look after ds who is amazing but a two year old boy. Really grumpy. Which pisses DH off and makes him grumpy too. I think I must be having some kind of hormone surge cause i 'ce Ben on the verge of tears for days now. But really when I look at it there's nothing wrong, I'm really lucky, I love DH and DS, I really wanted to have another. Just fed up.

You'll be fine.

It's a week, if you precook meals the week before and freeze them you won't even have to shop with them or cook. If the kids don't get their hair washed for a week, so be it. You won't even NEED to do a load of washing (of course you will do washing, but if life collapsed, you'd cope with clothes if you had to). All you NEED to do is supervise kids and feed them.... even cleaning is minimal in a week.

Yes, he is being selfish using holiday time (and don't get me thinking about it being HIS TIME) and family money for this jolly.... but you did decide YOU weren't going. If it was decided from the outset that WE won't go, then that shuts the door to him going. If the conversation was WE can't go, I can see him thinking that HE can go.

To me, I'd accept he's going - and that's not unreasonable for him to go to a friends wedding (the extra holiday days seem decadent, but it's booked, you need to accept that).

But, discuss this with him. Tally up the cost of the whole trip (flights, meals, car whatever). Ask him what he would think if you committed that expense for YOU, no consultation with him... bet he wouldn't be thrilled. Ask him how he would feel if you booked a weekend away with girlfriends without talking to you.... bet he wouldn't be happy. I'd be discussing that although you are the mum, your family responsibilities are shared, he needs to understand that your contribution is important, and his pay is family money - unless he wants to pay you nanny wages (24/7) for your child rearing services.

You are both being slightly unreasonable, him to act like a carefree batchelor, and you to be stamping your feet about him leaving you for a week.

On the one hand, you will be fine in all practical senses. DH worked abroad from week 2 after DS was born (I moved out to be with him after 6 weeks), and went back to work (including weeks when he had to stay away) the day after DD was born despite the fact we had just moved and I knew not a soul in our new village.

You will cope.

On the other hand, the lack of consultation bothers me. Did you clearly communicate your reservations when you discussed it? I only ask because sometimes it's possible to be a bit 'well, if you really want to I suppose it would be OK' and then find once it's irrevocable that actually you DID really mind and then your strong reaction is unexpected IYSWIM?

Me again.
My dh had to go on a 2 week course when I was 38 wks pregnant with our 3rd. Yes, that's right, he was due to finish it 3 days before my due date, and both my other kids were born on due date. I was stressed about this from the day I knew I was pregnant (I think we can date the conception to the day he passed the selection process to go on the course ;-)).
I suspect you feel about his trip away, like I felt about my dh's course. It was necessary and sensible that he did the course, but I still felt stressed and uncomfortable about it. I grudgingly (and was grateful at the same time) accepted his mother coming to help me out with the 4yo and 16 month old for those 2 weeks (although she went home for the weekend, to give me a break from her!). But I just wanted to hunker us all down for that time.
If it is like this, I think you just have to put up with it, accept that you'll never feel ok with it, but you will get through it. My worrying about it did not help anything. But it didn't really make anything worse either.

My other thought is that the thing that makes marriage work is doing nice things for each other. Ours goes wrong when we each think "hmmph I've not had a lie in for ages, he's not made me a cup of tea, oh my life's so hard/bad/miserable". It goes better when we BOTH think "I'm shattered but if I get up and give him a lie in, he'll be pleased and I'll feel good for making him happy". This might be one of the things you can feel good for being generous about and if hopefully, if he's a decent human being, he'll be doing something generous too.

I havnt read whole thread but I thin YANBU

I have a 3yr old and a 3month old DS, he doesn't sleep for more then 1min at a time during the day and likes to be held all the time. He also had colic which can see him screaming for hours on end.

I count down the hours till dp gets home so I can hand the baby to him so I can cook tea etc. It also makes things like getting dd dressed etc very difficult with a baby that doesn't like to be put down.

Not at all saying your baby will be like this... BUT the extra help will be nice for you.

When will it be your turn to get a 3day holiday without dh and kids?

Where is your freedom?

Seems he needs to think about you aswell, not just what he wants!

Goodluck OP

Ps the goodtimes of having two dc outway the hard times :)

yanbu. We were in a very similar position last year so i just said it was fine but that i would be also having a nice break myself so he needed to take the leave for that as well. He decided not to go. Funny that

YABU, I just don't get why people think because they are in a couple they can't have their own life as well, coping with two kids alone for four days is not difficult.

changed my mind, yanbu

YANBU. I feel exactly the same when DH wants to go away. I've only had 1 night off in 4 years. I don't want to stop him going, but I'd prefer it if he realised that it is harder without him and that, when things are not easy here at the best of times, the additional pressure is a bit much. You will manage, as I have with two, but I never look forward to it. On the last occasion, I did at least manage to be nice in the week leading up to it. For me, it's about having confidence in my own abilities. I always find it goes better than I expect it to. Just because other ladies on here cope with DPs who work away, does not mean that you should just be able to get on with it. Everyone is different.

I'd certainly be furious that he'd booked the tickets. Like others have said, I'd be trying to book at least a night away once the baby is able to be left/you are ready to leave it. Mine are now 2 and 4 and I still only want one night away from them really, but it's important that I get a break too (and that DH gets an idea of what it is like to be left with the kids - even though his mum then comes over for pretty much the whole time...!)