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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU new baby will be 3-4 months, DH planning on 4 day trip away

216 replies

dappply · 06/03/2012 10:39

I have a nearly three year old, and am due to have a second mid May.

One of DH's school friend's is getting married abroad (7 hour journey, 2 flights) at the end of August. We were all invited, but after looking into it we decided it was too much money and effort to go all four of us. DH though asked if I'd mind if he still went on his own. For four days, one for wedding, other three for holiday with other old school friends attending.

I said that I wasn't particularly into the idea, that it's all a bit unknown at the moment about how I'll cope with 2 children. I also said that I wouldn't want it to impact negatively into any holidays we could have as a family, either money wise or annual leave wise. And that I was a bit sad that it would use up 2 days of his annual leave when we've only got 8 to play with for holidays after using the rest for paternity leave.

All in all, I said didn't 't want to stop him and tell him not to go, but am not particularly comfortable with it either. So that although I'd like for it to be totally fine for him to go, I have reservations and can't pretend otherwise as things are a bit to unknown just now.

He's pissed off with me, says I'm trying to control him, and i'm eroding his freedom. And that his annual leave days are his to decide what to do with. He's booked his flights. And says that since I didn't tell him he couldn't go that I should just pretend to be totally fine with it and put up with it when it happens.

AIBU to have acted the way I have?

OP posts:
NoDontLickThat · 06/03/2012 22:59

My (now ex, thankfully!) DP went back to work the day I got home from the hospital with DS. You'll be fine with a 3/4 month old, I'd be more concerned with your dh's attitude though.

Original poster
dappply · 07/03/2012 05:44

Chatted about it again last night, which didn't really help. He says he feels smothered and I'm too controlling. Because whenever he goes on a works night out he gets pitied because he watches his drinking so he can help up in the morning and help me with ds and spend time with us. Apparently other fathers get left to lie in all day. And that he gets pitied in the office because he sometimes has to cancel playing after work football on wednesdays ( I asked him to stop in the first trimester when my morning sickness was so bad and I work one Wednesday night a month).

I'm just confused and sad now. Feel very conflicted. Very guilty and worried he's unhappy on one hand. But a bit, well I wouldn't have married you if I knew you wanted act like this. I thought we were ok.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 07/03/2012 06:02

You sound dreadfully reliant on him - no wonder he feels smothered. Cant go out with his mates, cant play football, cant go to a wedding. Of course we are only getting one side of the story.

My husband has always gone on golfing holidays and w/ends with his mates. Of the 20 years we've been together he's been on 18 of them. The other two he chose not to go because of family circmstances.He used to hold a season ticket but chose to give it up when finances got tight and never bothered to get it back when they eased.

The key is in choice. Marrige is partnership, not a dictatorship - and I can seriously se the outcry if this were a role reversal the you weren't allowed to go to a wedding, or weren't allowed to play sport, or weren't allowed to go to a wedding.

Actually, you sound a bit controlling FWIW - and very needy. I think he needs a breather from you from time to time. And you should develop some interests and go out as well.

maddening · 07/03/2012 06:07

Yanbu about ltd family time and money -he is bu with his attitude.

Tell him if he wants to not be pitied at work to stop harping on negatively about his duties as a father to his colleagues and that just as other "blokes" at his work are crap fathers it doesn't mean he has to be.

Original poster
dappply · 07/03/2012 06:16

He does go out and play football! He just doesn't spend the next day in bed after going out, and doesn't play football once a month because I'm working. What, am I supposed to get Childcare so he can play football? And we do give each other lie ins on Weekends sometimes and he has stayed in bed all day with a hangover. Just not every weekend. He went away on three weekend holidays with his friend's last year, he goes out whenever he likes. And I do go out/have interests/ do other things. Assumptions a plenty!

OP posts:
Original poster
dappply · 07/03/2012 06:21

And i didn't tell him not to go, that's the bloody problem, I felt too embarrassed to do that. I told him I wasn't keen on the idea, in what I can see now was not a good strategy, but left it up to him. And he booked it anyway.

Maybe we're both just feeling nervous about the new baby and both being a bit rubbish.

OP posts:
speshulbroo · 07/03/2012 06:26

yanbu! I have a toddler & a baby its chuffing hard work. Its stressful meeting both their copious demands. I live for my dh's days off & tbh I dream of running away.
I think your dh needs to rethink his priorities, his family should come first, if you think it's a problem then it's a problem.
He has been bullheaded about this. Why didn't' he compromise in the first place? if he really 'has' to go (he doesn't btw!), it doesn't need to be for so long? I think he was mean to book the flights anyway and I know that I would find it difficult to reciprocate and book my own trip away as I wouldn't want to leave my kids for that long.

Original poster
dappply · 07/03/2012 06:30

I think that this thread has been pretty much 50/50 , which is useful really. Things are usually like this between me and DH. Neither if us are outright awful, we're genrally happy but we both make mistakes. I feel really sad and guilty and unloved just now, but I doubt it'll last. I'm on a train going away for three days just now anyway, so we'll both get space. Don't feel like keeping in touch with him atall, fuck him.

OP posts:
south345 · 07/03/2012 06:30

Yabu how will you manage when he's at work?! My dp went back to work while I was still in hospital as we couldn't afford for him to take paternity leave and I had 2 ds to deal with.

nooka · 07/03/2012 06:32

When children are small sacrifices have to be made. He chose to have children, so he gets to put in the work. To be honest he sounds rather like a like a stroppy teenager in your last post, which makes me wonder if the other fathers where he works are really given such a free ride.

Hopefully this is just a bad patch for the two of you with the stress of your pregnancy obviously not being a very easy ride, because otherwise I'd say his attitude stinks.

speshulbroo · 07/03/2012 06:34

ps he feels smothered and controlled because he hasn't learned to adapt to life as a father first and foremost. His mates feel sorry for him? Wtf! He sounds as though he is trying ti make you feel bad, I'm sure his mates don't really care & I bet that their home situations aren't quite as he's painted them.
it sounds as though he has adequate time to himself and wants to have his cake and eat it..... I think trois is being a bit mean.

naughtymummy · 07/03/2012 06:35

Well dh went away for a week when dd was 4 months old (ds was nearly 3) It was great, just being able to do what I liked for a week. Had freinds round every night. Perhaps you could explore what it is about this that you are worried about. Presumably you will have your 2 children on your own whilst he is at work during the.week anyway.

Original poster
dappply · 07/03/2012 06:41

Ffs , I haven't really commented on people who are saying how will I manage when he's at work. Ofcourse I'll bloody manage, I'm not saying AIBU to not want my DH to go back to work. I'm saying I 'm not convinced he should book a holiday without the family. And wondering how I'll find 4 days alone without him with a three month old and ds wasn't me worrying I'd spend the weekend in tears neglecting them, just one concern alongside a few other concerns contained in my OP.

OP posts:
speshulbroo · 07/03/2012 06:44

sorry just fully reading the thread now...it is still hard work with a lively toddler when baby is 3-4 months especially if baby isn't sleeping through. I wish people were more honest on here sometimes rather than putting women down for worrying and not always being able to cope. If some people find/found it easy I'd love to know their secret as I don't know any women with two under 2 who'd think yabu!

naughtymummy · 07/03/2012 06:44

On a more general note, I think men do adapt more slowley to parenthood than women. It is perhaps inevitable when you consider the massive hormonal advantage we have. I suggest that before he goes away you go out for the day leaving him with both dc:s. At least then when he prepares for his trip he will be under no illusions just what he is expecting of you and will hopefully be suitably grateful and appretiative on his return.

Original poster
dappply · 07/03/2012 06:48

Yes naughty mummy, it might be totally fine . I might actually be glad of not having to clear up after him.

OP posts:
SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 07/03/2012 06:51

God, OP, your DH sounds horrible.

Really passive aggressive, and just selfish.

Why does he think his life should just continue on as if nothing has changed, and that you should just pick up all the child-related slack? Hmm You are both parents to your children. So what if other fathers get to lie around all day after going out the night before? Those men are, I'm sorry, arseholes who have no thought or feelings for their wives/partners. :(

And why on earth should he get to just go to this wedding and you 'pretend' you are OK with it - just so that he doesn't feel guilty??

This is not about whether you will cope with two - of course you will, you will have to - it's his ludicrous, entitled attitude.

I would be so, so pissed off if I were you. This would be chipping away at my feelings for my DH, for sure. :(

He should bloody well go if he has to, but you need to seriously 'bank' this and get something equal in return, even if it's a way off in the future.

I am really pissed off on your behalf.

EmmaBemma · 07/03/2012 06:54

It's only four days. You'll be fine.

naughtymummy · 07/03/2012 06:54

Ok . Your other concerns centre on the use of the family resources (leave and money) to do something that is purely for him ? In the next year there is going to be ahuge discrepency between you. Unless you have an extreemly generous maternity package he will to some extent be supporting you. Also you have up to a years leave coming up,whYes ereas he only has 8 days. Yes looking after 2 little ones can be hard work, but it is also great fun and allows you a lot more freedom than most jobs.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 07/03/2012 06:56

Tell him YOU get pitied because friends of yours have DHs who help out around the house, and who want to be part of raising their own children, and who don't expect the wives to do 100% of the childcare.

Who the actual fuck does he think he is?

Original poster
dappply · 07/03/2012 07:01

Supporting me?

Or you could call it Supporting his children while I give up my career to enable him to pursue his.

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle, depending on how much sleep you've had.

To be honest when ds was a baby I found going back to work like time off. So I'm not sure I agree with you that I have the easy ride coming up. There's pluses and minuses in being at work and being at home with a baby. Neither are awful or easy.

OP posts:
SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 07/03/2012 07:02

Oh, come on naughtymummy.

He may be 'supporting' her, but she is providing full childcare and housewifery duties.

And looking after a baby, a toddler and a house is very, very often not great fun, but relentless, thankless, repetitive, mundane 24/7 slog. Unlike office work, there's no evenings off, no weekends off, and up most of the night as well.

Please don't tell me that the OP is going to be the one who has it easy.

I agree with speshulbroo - I wish people would be more honest, too. I have two pre-schoolers and I find it HARD. I wish others who find it so easy would share their secrets, too. :(

callmemrs · 07/03/2012 07:04

Yabu. He has offered for you to go too. If you would rather stay at home, it's not fair to guilt trip him about it.

Why wouldn't you cope anyway? You'll have two kids that's all, the youngest won't be a newborn by then.

naughtymummy · 07/03/2012 07:07

Agreed. Its just that on here sometimes therCH hard work. It is almost taboo to say actually it's not so difficult and can be good fun. e is this attitude that motherhood is SU

naughtymummy · 07/03/2012 07:13

Sorry that should read such hard work. Mad phone