AIBU new baby will be 3-4 months, DH planning on 4 day trip away

[dappply]

I have a nearly three year old, and am due to have a second mid May.

One of DH's school friend's is getting married abroad (7 hour journey, 2 flights) at the end of August. We were all invited, but after looking into it we decided it was too much money and effort to go all four of us. DH though asked if I'd mind if he still went on his own. For four days, one for wedding, other three for holiday with other old school friends attending.

I said that I wasn't particularly into the idea, that it's all a bit unknown at the moment about how I'll cope with 2 children. I also said that I wouldn't want it to impact negatively into any holidays we could have as a family, either money wise or annual leave wise. And that I was a bit sad that it would use up 2 days of his annual leave when we've only got 8 to play with for holidays after using the rest for paternity leave.

All in all, I said didn't 't want to stop him and tell him not to go, but am not particularly comfortable with it either. So that although I'd like for it to be totally fine for him to go, I have reservations and can't pretend otherwise as things are a bit to unknown just now.

He's pissed off with me, says I'm trying to control him, and i'm eroding his freedom. And that his annual leave days are his to decide what to do with. He's booked his flights. And says that since I didn't tell him he couldn't go that I should just pretend to be totally fine with it and put up with it when it happens.

AIBU to have acted the way I have?

"Because whenever he goes on a works night out he gets pitied because he watches his drinking so he can help up in the morning and help me with ds and spend time with us."

Jesus-he needs to grow /man up then & tell his work mates to stfu!

My husband rarely has a drink on a works night out as he usually driven to work.

Nobody gives it a thought.

In fact if he did drink, I´m sure that would be commented on-along the lines of what an irresponsible twat!

Oh-and I don´t really see how him getting up is helping you-doesn´t he want to be up & about with his child?

Sometimes when you have children you have to grow up & behave like an adult!

he has offered for me to go and I'd rather stay at home? Where did you get that from? How about we were all invited, we looked into it and realised that it wasn't possible financially or practically for us all to go?

And personally like I said, I don't think there's much difference between working full time or being a full time SAHP. Both have their ups and downs, positives and negatives, depending on your job, your children, your outlook, and that all can change in an instant. There's not much to be gained in following that old argument I don't think.

Secrets well a structure to every day. Getting out of the house morning and afternoon. Plenty of physical exercise for everyone, adult company for Mum everyday. Apart from that lots of cuddles on the sofa, stories and a bit of cbeebies.

YANBU to have worries and insecurities about him going away, that's natural. And you are not stopping him going. So no, YANBU. My DH will be going overseas for a week when the DC2 I am currently incubating will be maximum 4 weeks old. I'm nervous too, but it is what it is. Admittedly my DH is going on an annual business trip not a jolly but the concerns are the same.
I also understand the sadness you feel at him being happy to drop everything and go without you all. Hope you and DH can kiss and make up soon. He is being more U in his response tbh.

"He's pissed off with me, says I'm trying to control him, and i'm eroding his freedom."

Um, no, that'll be the fact that he's a father now and has joint responsibility for two small children that is "eroding his freedom".

He sounds like a complete dick to think that if he can't do whatever he wants and dump the childcare onto you, that you are controlling him.

Sounds to me like the control is going the other way.

So no 'secret' at all, then... Exactly what I do every day.

Still relentless, thankless 24/7 slog... I am just not cut out for it, that much is true. :(

I.am not generalising. I am saying that for me being at home with 2 littlies was a more pleasant experience than working 48 hours aweek as a junior doctor.

I think there are two different issues here.
Of course you will cope with the dc as you do when dh is at work or if he was ill.
Equally though he should be able to cope as well while you have some time to yourself,in doing so he can become more aware of the work involved and thus more sympathetic when you have concerns.
I hate the assumption that "A man needs his freetime" whilst women are expected to be martyrs sat at home never getting a break.
Tbh from what he said to you it does sound as if you are a tad controllin if he cant even have a drink without having to get up in the morning.
Me and dh take it in turns to do the rubbish stuff-early mornings and night wakes (hence why im on mn at this time of the morning)
Are you able to get out more yourself and have some lie ins because if you dont then that is why you feel resentful when he does so try to put a stop to it.
If you have more chance to relax and enjoy yourself it will be easier to accept him doing the same.
Take it from an old wise Mum of 5,this is not a sustainable situation. Everyone needs to enjoy themselves and have some time away guilt free even when you have dc.
Your time would be better spent planning something to do when the baby is a bit older or even a spa weekend before.

I recently went to Australia for a week. OK, my children are much older but my DH managed great with them on his own. He admitted afterwards he had reservations, but I'm so pleased he never admitted them to me before I went otherwise I would not have enjoyed my trip.
So I can really understand why your DH doesn't want you saying you don't want him to go - afterwards you must plan a trip for you and a couple of girlfriends!

Ugh. Spa weekend.

Am I a freak in that I feel that if we have a spare grand this year I'd rather spend it on a holiday for all for if us, than him going away on his own and me going away on my own? If he's going away on this trip, then we can't afford a " spa weekend" for me as well as a holiday for all 4 of us.

I can assure you i do plenty on my own. Don't paint me as some kind of pathetic home stuck limpet. I've got a husband for that.

And he does go out for a drink and get drunk and lie in. Just not every time.

I rarely venture here (AIBU). But I have to say I think YABU but strangley for the right reasons because you are being honest iyswim?

I understand the worry of being left alone. I know everyone says you'll cope but it is so different when your use to 1 child.
I remember the first time I was left with my DS and DH's 2 boys for just 4 hours - I was panicked about how much I would have to do! Turned out fine and they all survived!

Honestly though you do just get used to a new routine. DSS1 now lives with us, DSS2 does half a week and we also have 9 month old twins.

Everytime DH goes away for 2 days with work - not very often - I feel like the whole routine is slipping away. DH gets that though and tells me not to worry, do what needs doing and we can sort the rest out together when he returns.
Maybe that's what you need to talk to your DH about. That he shouldn't expect to return to a clean organised house and that you'll need some help when he does return.

I agree with the sentiment of getting you time as well. It's a normal feeling to feel your left holding the baby whilst your partners life is not restricted in anyway. BUT this is DH friend from school, If it was your friend would you be happy if he said you couldn't go?

DH and I try to be fair with nights out/away. It prevents me feeling like he gets it all. So far it has been hard as I was EBF the twins until 3 months ago and I'm 6 months PG again but I know once this newbie gets off my boob! then I can go if I want to.

DH has attended events alone, without me, he enjoys them and wants to go, and I'm happy for him to go. He admits it's not the same without me there and I wonder if your DH's attitude is because he knows he won't enjoy it 100% without you by his side and is asking you not to make that feeling harder for him.

ledkr I agree with everything to say - especially about the spa weekend

I just wanted to reassure you that the second baby is much easier than the first. You already know what to do, you've made other friends who have small children who can help you out, you don't have to make the transition to being a parent you had to make with the first one, second babies are often less needy...

No you´re not a freak!

If my husband went away I never felt that he "owed me" tbh & that I also had to have time away.

Apologies for not relying to everyone, I'm well grumpy this morning and possibly guilty of only replying to those that are annoying me. Only five hours sleep, being on a train and heartburn are making me a bit of a twat. Sorry. Thanks to all those for their support .should stop thinking about this now and start reading my notes for work. Thanks all

I think yabu, it's his friends wedding and you said you can't all afford to go so he should be able to go alone. You will cope fine with 2 kids, just call on family/friends to help you. I think more than anything I'd be jealous of him getting 4 days/nights to himself but that's just me

I think yabu, it's his friends wedding and you said you can't all afford to go so he should be able to go alone. You will cope fine with 2 kids, just call on family/friends to help you. I think more than anything I'd be jealous of him getting 4 days/nights to himself but that's just me

Very similar thing happened when DPs step-sister got married overseas when Dcs were 2 and about 5months. Mainly through cost we said it had to be only him that went and it was for 5 days. His mum came and stayed to help me out but even if she hadn't TBH as others have said, your baby will be well established by then, you will have recovered from the birth so YABU (though understandable to worry about the unknown) to worry about coping - plenty of people's partners work away for longer stretches than that. BUT he is BU to be such an arse about you not dancing round the living room with joy and pushing him out the door - of course you'd rather he didn't go and he should not be such a baby about it (spoiling my fun waaaah). However, it is done, he has booked the flights so I would suggest telling him you thought he handled it badly and perhaps that you want to discuss things more jointly in future but then give him your blessing to go. Really life is too short to let things like this cause deep rifts. Being married does mean not being "free" to do what you want without it impacting on others - doesn't mean you can't do it, just has to be handled right with a bit of give and take. SUggest that when he gets back YOU get a weekend away somewhere.

:o

I think you sound ace dappply :)

I'm 5 months pregnant, and a good chunk of DH's AL this year will be spent on paternity leave and the rest for family holidays.

If he felt "controlled" because our family circumstances mean the time and money are not available for him to go on holidays on his own I would be seriously pissed off with what a childish, selfish knobber he was being.

A lot of women on MN buy into the idea that men who don't get to do whatever they want with their time and their money when they have children are being "controlled", and think that women should be happy with being thrown the odd spa day as compensation for losing all their freedom to make sure their husbands are unaffected by having children.

Sounds like a shite way to live to me.

The spa weekend was not meant to patronise.it was a suggestion for something you could do whilst still pg,i would far rather go out with my mates and get pissed but obviously not when pg.
Im not painting anyone as "a pathetic stay at home limpit" I was speaking generally about some of the responses on here about you being ur.
I thought i was being supportive but you are clearly hell bent on being a martyr and using the fact that you cant cope with 2 dc to make dh feel guilty. Which is nonsense.
Of course a family holiday should come first i assumed that you could afford both. If he is spending the entire family holiday budget on days away then he is being a selfish twat.

When DD was 3/4 months she was up every 2 hours for a feed a lot of the time. I nearly went mad doing all the nights on my own & I needed him to give me support in the day. If DP had wanted to swan off on holiday at that point I would not have been happy. If I'd had a second DC to look after as well...

However DP recently had a 3 day lad's weekend away & that was fine. DD is 9 months now & we have settled a lot more. She's still up twice & up very early, but it is manageable. I haven't had my weekend away yet but it will happen. Oh yes.

His timing isn't great. And his attitude sucks. Boo hoo, so he can't regularly get steaming drunk & lie in all day because you're both parents & have responsibilities. And that makes you controlling? He needs to grow up. I can understand why you are disappointed.

It'll be fine. dh used to travel regularly when dc were little. If you need support can you ask family/friend to come and stay ?

Oh, and fuck spa days. I'd rather spend 48 hours watching Grandpa in my Pocket.

Sorry ledkr, as previously admitted, I'm a grumpy twat today. I promise I do value everyone's opinions, they totally help. Just not today when I feel like either shouting at strangers or alternating between crying and sleeping.

Thanks a thing! You sound ace too. You put what i'm getting at into words perfectly. Thanks

dapply as previously said i had a situation when i was pg with dd who is a year now.Dh was invited on a stag do abroad when she would have been a few weeks old. He agreed with me (i think) that it was out of the question due to leave and money but i still felt uncomfortable and was told i was controlling on mn As part of the discussion i did suggest he went and that i would have a girls holiday later, (bit of a bluff) he didnt like that idea
So on that yanbu.
However. I do think that its ok to have the occasional blow out and not get up with the baby wihout being labled a bad parent and to do reasonable things alone. I took dd1 to Disney Paris for a week when dd2 was 3 months,dh had her and we had a fab time.He goes home to Essex sometimes alone to see family if i cant be bothered or to works dos and i stay with my friend in Brum now and again and am off to the races next week for the whole day and most of the night if i last.
We also share getting up early or at night and the childcare for work and it works,mostly cos we can both appreciate the hard work.

As a side note.DD was born with a cleft palate and went on to develop pneumonia and spent weeks in hospital then developed reflux which made her really difficult.If dh had have booked to go on this stag do it would have been an absolute no go and we'd have lost the money.

dappply YANBU

It's all very well for others to say you should let him do his own thing, but that's not the issue.

He is choosing to go away on his own, with his friends, which means you can't afford a family holiday, nevermind you going off for a jolly with your friends. He also knows you aren't happy with it but again chooses to not give a damn about you.

He is being immature and selfish and certainly needs to grow up.