Husband secretely takes day off

[katieks]

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

you can disagree with me, buster

your head won't explode

you have young children and the two of you are permanently running behind with household tasks that need doing though, right ?

or not...

Once we are parents then we can never really have a guilt free day off can we .

And Stripey makes an excellent point. We - me, DP and DS - don't tell my DM about all the time we have off as she always, without exception, assumes that we have the days free to run her about all over the place. My time off is precious. Most of it is spent with my family - DM included as of course we spend time with her and run her about when we can - but I do need a few days just for me, on my own without anyone else intruding or expecting me to do things for them. Which is why I don't always tell my much loved people about every day off I have.

The thing is, even people who don't work at all are not up to date with their household tasks. So a day off work sitting about doesn't make a lot of difference.
I don't buy into this lying and deceit nonsense over a person's desire to have a day to themselves without having to explain it to ANYONE.

a lazy day to yourself?

no problem, I will arrange one too

lie to me about it ?

no way

adam..this bloke clearly can manage it, without conscience

Dh never asks how my day was so that wouldn't come up. He is not at all unfeeling he would ask how dd was that day. So I wouldn't have to lie outright just by omission.
This post is making me rethink my plan. Yes I could say I am planning on having day to myself, I think he might understand when I explained my reasons.

I know it is selfish but I just one day that is just about what I want with no questions asked

I think its absolutely fine that each person has some time to themselves.

I don't work Fridays and now that DS is at school I cheerfully admit that I don't do too much useful with the time and I love having it. I don't feel guilty about it because DH has a bit more time at the weekend and in the evenings so it evens out.

However with young children, childcare costs and precious annual leave entitlements it seems very underhand for the DH not to mention it to the OP, plus he could have at least taken the children to the childminders.

AF, I do agree with wanting it, but to deceive is something wrong.

Because if you tell anyone about it, they will have anb expectation that you will do something other your original plan of doing nowt. They won't even say it, they'll just think it and that ruins the day.
So best that nobody knows and then it can't be spoiled by telepathic expectations.

just be upfront, WhenShe

why wouldn't you ?

if you think your H would tell you that you couldn't do it, then that is another problem

I hate liars

just tell your partner what you are doing, then nobody gets a nasty surprise

gay..you could always say "no, I can't do that, I am having a lazy day"

a novel concept, but better than lying

because liars get caught, then everyone feels like shit

telling lies isn't worth it

don't we teach our children that ?

Meant to say I want just one day that is just about what I want no questions asked.

Past my bedtime.

Well I hope not AF, I've paid good money for this hairdo!

OK so me and DP only have one DC. But one is hard enough work in ordinary circumstances. Two even more so. But add in DS's life threatening illness when we spent 5 weeks living in hospital, coping with neurosurgery and then we came home, dealt with six weeks of radiotherapy and lived on our nerves for the next two years while we both tried to juggle full time jobs, multiple hospital appointments and trying to help DS after he'd missed the best part of a year of school and you might understand quite how stressed and knackered we were.

A sneaky day off by either one of us, just to chill and relax, was the least of our problems. Maybe this experience has shaped us and given us more appreciation that we both need guilt free time out, but if DP had dared to call me selfish or deceitful for spending a day in my pyjamas watching telly without telling him in advance I'd have been bloody furious.

Having an indulgent day off is a brilliant idea. But I don't see why anyone would have to keep it a secret from their partner.

If they ask you to do something that day just say no, you'll do it on the weekend or next week or whatever.

Something about the secrecy doesn't sit well with me. I don't think you should have secrets from someone you live with and parent children with and are supposed to be sharing your life with.

That's not to say you have to be answerable for your every move. But I think it's common courtesy to let them know what you're up to.

AF with the question of why not just be upfront. Because I want an easy life. I simply can't believe you never lie to your OH. Not about the big stuff just little minor things. (this applies more to me lying about spending money on shoes or similar).
I think if I told him what I was planning he would be fine with it but I would feel like I had to achieve something that day. Eg if he got home and there was no decent dinner on the table it would look a bit odd.

buster...why not just tell him then ?

would either of you have begrudged each other the opportunity of a responsibility-free day ? (after everything you have both been through)

why lie ?

this isn't about whether you should have one...but whether it's ok to be deceitful about it

he led the op to believe he was going to work that very same day

has nobody else noticed that (other than the op herself ?)

would you go through that charade/pretence ?

it's kinda strange to do that

Sometimes, I find that Mrs U has taken a day off or called in sick after the fact.

I think nothing of it, and I certainly don't expect her to have done extra jobs.

I also don't suspect her of having an affair either. But there you go.

The thing is about the 'chores' issue, quite frankly, why are they the responsiblity of the woman to arrange them to be done? Why aren't they on his "to do" list too, either on the day off or at the weekend afterwards? why can't a day off doing things that need to be done so a family can spend time together without having to do jobs?

Also, it suggests he'd be happy having a day to himself, then watching you rush around on the weekend, after having worked all week, using your 'free time' to do the jobs that need doing with DCs there too and not having any free time. He's basically saying that his relaxation is more important than yours.

If you hadn't caught him,you wouldn't know he'd had this time off, but that he'd been working late and stressed, would he have played the 'stressed from work' card to get out of doing chores at the weekend too?

That said, it's sneaky, not very collaborative, you need to be having some serious talks with him. What the hell else is he lying about?

no decent dinner on the table ?

you would lie to cover up the fact "there was no decent dinner on the table" ?

listen to yourself

I would be peed off

I would want dh to want to spend his leave with me & the kids tbh

A leave day like that would mean one less day in holiday club in Sch hols for my kids so I'd be cross

Why lie?
because she would've reeled off a list of chores, thus either spoiling his day by feeling obliged to do them...or having to deal with lemon face if he didn't.

If he'd have fessed up, then politely told his wife "No, I'm not going to do any of that, I'm going sit on my arse and play the Playstation thank you" upon being presented with her task 'suggestions' - there would've been a row!

That's why lie!

WhenSheWasBad that's not very cool. You should be able to spend money on yourself (within reason) without your H giving you shit for it or guilt tripping you.

Likewise spending a day doing nothing. If he came home and there was no dinner on the table, he could cook something, or you could cook together.

You shouldn't have to sneak around to get your needs met. It's not like you're being outlandish or unfair.

I know I sound daft, lazy and yes deceitful. I just want a bloody day off without a little voice in the back of my head saying "you should be putting the next wash on and then get on with the dishes."
It is mad but I know that voice will be easier to silence if it is a secret day off.

If dh knows I have been in all day on my own he will wonder what I have been up to. If he had been home alone I would wonder why the hell he hadn't done the washing up.

Why lie? because she would've reeled off a list of chores, thus either spoiling his day by feeling obliged to do them...or having to deal with lemon face if he didn't.

Bingo.