Husband secretely takes day off

[katieks]

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

Yanbu. I would be upset about the deceit.

I find the fact he doesn't want you to know his password worrying, sounds deceitful

Why should he let her have his email password. Emails are like letters - personal. I wouldn't expect my DP to go noseying around my emails. If OP wants to divulge her passwords, fine that's her choice. But no need to assume that he should reciprocate.

Everybody needs a day off where they just sit around doing nothing, it's good for the soul. Let the poor man have some peace, whether he genuinely forgot to mention it to you, didn't plan on it till the last minute or never mentioned it in case you gave him a long, long list of very boring jobs to do which would defeat the purpose of a 'lazy' day, just get over it, if you are nice to him and greet him with a big kiss telling him that you hope he had a restful day, he will probably be happy to take over for the evening so you can have some peace for yourself.

My dh had a massive crisis when our two were really little - he was depressed and having what I can only describe as an 'inappropriate friendship' with another woman. All symptomatic of the fact that we were both under immense pressure and not really functioning properly. He never took a day off, but he was deceitful and shifty in the same way. Just saying you might want to make some time to look at what's really going on here.

YABU. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I've done the same plenty of times. Sometimes I just want a day to myself to relax, watch crap telly and eat cake. Other times I want to blitz the house without interruption or having other suggestions added to my list. Or for DP to suggest he comes home for lunch - when I have no intention of cooking and I've got a tasty crisp sandwich and a cup-a-soup chaser in front of the lunchtime repeat of Law & Order planned.

Likewise DP works bloody hard and much longer hours than I do in a sometimes physical job. I might roll my eyes at his need to sit in his pants and kill Zombies, watch crap sci-fi films and endless re-runs of Top Gear and lord knows what else on Dave but I know he needs some downtime. Downtime that doesn't include me saying 'ooh I'll have the day off too, we can do something together' or pointing out that the downstairs windowsills still need sanding down and re-painting.

I understand you don't like the fact that he kept it quiet, which is fair enough, but maybe after reading some of the posts you might understand why. But talk to him. Maybe you could both agree that you will each have one or two - or more - days off each year which are just purely for you to spend exactly how you want?

I am amazed how many people think this is OK . It is CLEARLY lying by omission. You are both under the same pressures, and if you had not come home unexpectedly you could hardly ask for the same 'day off' as you wouldn't know he had taken one. When you have a finite number of days leave, it is selfish in the extreme to take a day without even mentioning it to your partner. Yes, we all need a break, but since when do we not mention it in case we are 'nagged'? I notice this word is seldom applied when talking about men complaining.

As you said in your post that you have a 6 month & a 19 month. It is reasonable to assume you are both pretty exhausted. He is probably desperate to have a day off doing nothing but felt that it would be construed as being selfish if he mentioned it to you (or you may suggest doing something).

I am glad when I have an excuse to be just by myself for a day doing my own thing (away from DH and DCs).

Don't be too harsh on him, he prob thinks he is being sensitive as you may get upset if he said he didn't want to spend the day with you or the family when he had a day off.

He has been working late, probably doing flexi hours to allow him to have the day off without losing any annual leave.

He probably didn't tell you because he just wanted a peaceful day, and thought if he told you you'd try to get him to do something else with the time. Everybody needs a bit of space sometimes.

How did you chat with him go?

Agree with a lot on both sides of the fence here, but ultimately if it was me, I would forgive since it is a one off (appart from po weirdness). But I would also be keeping a close eye, discreetly from a distance. The lying is a bit worrying.

deceit

selfishness

laziness

what a great partner

not

Nothing weird or wrong about wanting some uninterrupted time on your own to lounge around in your pants.

Something very wrong with lying by omission to your partner though.

I'd be very hurt if I was the OP.

It's like, what else does he simply not tell you about?

At the very worst it's as if he sees his life as totally separate from yours.

At best, it just seems like...I dunno...bad manners.

I don't know, I think he thinks he is being nice for not telling and didn't want hurt his partner's feelings.

Mine pretended to go off on a course etc when he was really coming back home, (I went off to work), then going to the pub and shagging meeting female friends.

Space to yourself is great but I admit to my nearest and dearest that I want it. No need deceive if it's innocent.

I am really interested in all the posts saying this is out of order because I am planning on doing this myself.
I have holiday carried over from last year that I have to use up soon. I desperately want to drop dd at my mums (she is a saint and looks after her while I work) and have a secret day off.
Don't want to tell my mum because I will feel guilty that I should be spending time off with dd. Don't want to tell dh because there are a ton of jobs to be done around the house and I just want one day to myself.

Our relationship is good and generally I tell him everything (not how much I spend on clothes that would be foolish).

Re the OPs dh, I don't think this necessarily means anymore more than he desperately wants some me time.

Women are always told they need to focus on themselves the same is true for men.

I can totally understand why he'd do that even if OP and him have a good relationship.
I can also totally understand why OP would feel a bit upset about it all.

I have been in conversations before where a mum was advised NOT to tell her OH about taking days off so she'd get the time to herself.

I think if he was doing it frequently or regularly, it would be a bit off but as a once off, I think it's ok....but I don't think YABU to be a bit upset!

Why not be honest?

I'll tell you why he didnt say anything, because if he said oh ive got friday off, you would immediately say oh you can do X Y & Z, pick A B & C up, sort out the washing/ironing/cooking etc etc

he wanted to lounge around with no responsibility, we all do it from time to time

I know when i take a few days off i say to my OH dont tell my mum because she immediately thinks i can take her shopping/do errands, when in actual fact i just want to do my own thing

Wow. In the 3 or so years I've been on MN I think this is the first time I disagree with AF.

I've said that I've done the same -for the reasons given in my post above - and I'm not deceitful, selfish or lazy. I really don't think that DP would give a monkey's that I had a day off he didn't know about. I wouldn't think he was deceitful, selfish or lazy for doing the same. Nor by 'lying by omission' about having a day off have I ever 'deceived' DP in any other way and I do not see my life as totally separate from his.

If I want to spend a day of my annual leave just doing something for me without running it past him first why must that equate to me being dishonest in my relationship? DP works away fairly frequently. I have days off when he is 200 miles away. Sometimes I tell him, sometimes I don't. But.. we have been together 26 years. As happy as we are maybe we are just beyond issues like this?

Why not be honest?

because the OP, rightly or wrongly would present him with, or an expectation that he would swap his day job for chores at home, which isnt really a chill out is it

i dont blame him

sometimes i do it then nobody expects me to do all the crap that gets left to the weekend on my holiday days

Really WhenSheWasBad? And when your DH got home and asked you how your day was, what would you say? Would you come clean or would you lie to him?

It all seems a bit... dishonest.

Why not just say, 'I'm having a day off to do exactly as I please and I'm not going to do any errands or jobs or favours, so don't ask me' ?

No reasonable person would begrudge their partner that if it was the odd one-off, surely?

what about the woman on here the other day who said she was going to say she was going to work or shopping (cant remember now) while husband minded the kids but really she was going to sit in the car reading or going to have a coffee, just because she wanted to

everyone patted her on the back

was she lazy and deceitful

No reasonable person would begrudge their partner that if it was the odd one-off, surely?

but the expectation to do chores would be there

God what a fucking genius idea! A secret day off!
I LOVE it!

No kids, no spouse, no list of chores, no company, no agenda, no fucking nothing.

Just me and my day of fuck all.

I am in awe.