Husband secretely takes day off

[katieks]

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

He can take whatever day off he likes and doesn't need your permission to doit.

It isn't childish or selfish either. he has taken his holiday off of his work.

Maybe he didn't tell you becauseof several reasons
1.he doesn't need to tell you
2.You ask him to do things when hes not at work
3.you whine about him being selfish trying to have some chillout time alone when he should be spending it with his family.

probably more possible reasons

I've taken a day off before without mentioning it to my husband beforehand.... Not completely sure why I didn't mention it - I think it was because if he knew I had been at home all day he would come home expecting the house to be tidied up and dinner organised. Whilst I wanted to spend the day in bed reading.

As I recall he did find out about it though as some comment was made which required a direct answer which gave me away - I wasn't going to lie about it, but just wanted it to be my secret.

I also can't see the big deal about the childminder thing some people have mentioned. If my husband takes a day off I don't expect him to go out and take the children to school unless he would be doing it normally anyway - no point in him having to make a special trip when I am going to be out and about anyway....

I really, really, really don't see the problem here. I would be jealous yes, but I wouldn't be upset. I do this myself, DH does it, and I'm AMAZED it seems like such a big problem. DH is away for a few weeks with work later on this year abroad, and has- in secret- booked himself a 3 day holiday in the middle of it (I saw the info accidently left up on the computer). I'm a bit miffed- because I'm jealous obviously- but I totally see why he's not mentioned it, because then we'd have the 'but is it absolutely necessary?' discussion, which of course it isn't, but what time do you actually get to yourself when you've got young kids, other than the stuff you carve out on the sidelines? He's going to a really exciting place- the trip he's booked will be great, and yes it's just nice to have something that's just for you without having to massively compromise it to do jobs/ childcare...

I can sort of understand where he is coming from. I work long hours in a stressful job and work sometimes intrudes on family time etc. Sometimes it feels like you are standing under a waterfall of work and you can't get out from under it.

There are times that I can't face another request to do things for someone etc. DH will ask me to do something minor and I feel ridiculously resentful and huffy because I have nothing left to give to anyone at that point, everything feels like a hassle.

I wonder if he just wanted to get away from all demands and responsibilities for a while (I sometimes book a Spa day to do this - nearly forgot to go and pick up the kids from school after my last one ). Perhaps he was afraid you would give him a list of jobs to do as he was off (I could see DH regarding me having a day off as a good opportunity to get some things sorted) when he just wanted to hide away and chill out.

Its better that he takes a day off the treadmill than cracks up under the stress.

Leave him be. He's tired. He's taking a break. It's really no reflection on you, even if it would have been more courteous to let you know.

My DH often takes a duvet day after a period of manic work/late finishes. If it helps avoid him stabbing his colleagues with a sharpened biro, I'm all for it!

I do this all the time. I build up flexi and take time (usually a half day). I don't tell anyone because if I do I will be saddled with 1001 jobs or my dh will take the day off too - its my holiday everyone else gets one and I need SOME time to myself. Although I do usually take the opportunity to do the ironing in peace!

I would be annoyed and puzzled if my DH did this. Annoyed that I was carrying the responsibilities while DH ditched them, secretly. I do see that as selfish.

Puzzled because we actually enjoy spending our free time together. And we tell each other stuff, so the secrecy would be very weird indeed.

I would be annoyed if Dh did this.

i would do it though, without a second thought

Double standards? Quite possibly but that's life.

I am a grown up, I make my own decisions. I don't need to ask Dh for permission.

I also would if someone posted in AIBU " to take the day, send the kids to school and sit on my arse drinking tea, eating biscuits and MN'ing all day" what the response would be..

Something along the lines of " we all need me time, you are totally not being unreasonable, go and have a bath, read a book Nd enjoy yourself"

Maybe he just needed a day to himself!

I took a day off sick today - first time ever - and I had a great day!

I do have a sore throat and cough but was certainly not bedridden and I baked, did the washing, hoovered, watched crap telly, MNetted, cleaned out the fish, made jelly, made lasagne and it was fab!

I got so much done.

WRT your DH I think he just fancied a day to himself and if you had known you might have taken the day off too when he wanted some peace and quiet! And you might have given him jobs to do too which he didnt want to do.

Be nice............and now you can do the same without guilt!

As you've said yourself, with such young DCs this is a very busy, tiring time for both you and DH. You've also mentioned that he has been working long hours. I can see why he longed for a day off to do sod all, however I can also understand why you feel hurt by the fact he did it secretively.

Talk to him. Tell him you understand why he needed a day to relax. Don't ask him to justify it (as he'll get all defensive) but do say you wish he'd told you, as you find it hurtful to be kept in the dark.

Then move on. Don't let it turn into a big argument. Talk about how stressful things are for you both at the moment. Try to come up with ideas of things to look forward to, together and separately - book a holiday? Get a babysitter and go out together one night? Give each other a little time alone at the weekends while the other one takes the DCs out for an hour? Try to keep at least a couple of evenings a week work-free and spend them chatting / listening to music / playing cards together?

Also - sorry to sound patronising - why not turn the TV off and actually talk to each other while you eat supper?

yabu nothing wrong with what he has done, Id be a bit at why he didnt say anything but there again he probably just wanted a slob day to himself and was worried you'd take the day off to or leave him a to-do list (which seems to be the case )

Feeling hurt by this is a bit of an overreaction IMO

"Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him)."

In what way? Had he got up and started getting ready for work? Did he actually try to deceive you? I sometimes only tell DH that I'm off as he dashes out of the door.
However I agree that not doing anything with the children (if either of us is off it's our job) and the post office stuff was very shit

Yabu. He didn't tell you because you would have given him jobs to do.

Have you spoken to him about it?

He wanted a day off to do nothing. He's tired, been working very hard.
I just reckon he needed some peace and quiet, he doesn't want to moan to you about it, so didn't say anything. You'd have been hurt if he told you he wanted to be alone, so he didn't tell you.

Has no-one ever wanted to be alone?!
It's a bit off cos I'm sure you'd like a day off and/or some help, but it's not the end if the world

I don't really see the problem.
Everyone needs time to sit around doing their own thing without an agenda.
I've been there myself on occasion. If people know I'm off, even DP, they seem to think they can allocate me "stuff" to do in the day. Nothing major, but I simply want to spend the day as I choose. It doesn't impact on our family time or my commitments to DP and DD.
Neither would I begrudge DP doing the same, as I find I cannot help myself but say things like "When you are off, can you just ".

If it is the sort of relationship where there are seedy undertones (ie trust issues), then it is complete different.

Well that's depresssing, presumably the OP isn't wanting the jobs done for her own pleasure. If Dh is off he hoovers through the house. If I'm off I clean bathrooms & kitchen. Either one of us will pop out to the post office or shop (tho DH won't do tesco). Still plenty of other hours in the day

Stealth - nothing to stop OP having a slob day of her own where she doesnt have to do anything either

From your OP, it is obvious he would not have a day off like this if you knew of his plans.

You know, really most jobs on To-Do lists will wait, some will never get done. It can be beneficial to take a mental health day every so often. Especially when stressed/exhausted.

Don't be too hard on him.

Childish git! FFS PocPoc, I think that when in a grown up relationship, things like this should be shared. If not, it's just weird. You're supposed to be a team.

I think he needs to say sorry. OP, YANBU.

Deceitful. Dh and I are pretty independent, but it wouldn't cross my mind not to mention it? It would have to be a very specific decision to take care not to mention it, which would annoy me.

I used to do this when i pg!

Loved it! It was an absolute blank day of not being bothered by anyone!

Until I got busted when dh rang me at work about something one day and I wasn't there... I was having a cup of tea at my friends house admiring her new wedding album

You arrived home unexpectedly and found your husband not wearing your clothes?! Weird!

From a bloke's perspective I've done this too. It's just sometimes we want a day to veg out in front of the TV/computer/XBox without anyone hassling us.

One thing which women seem to do naturally is if they hear their man wanting time off, they tend to load them with 'jobs'. My OH does it. "Oh your having the day off? Well the hallway needs painting, there's a load of rubbish that needs going to the tip etc. etc." Often it's easier to go to work!