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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband secretely takes day off

526 replies

katieks · 27/01/2012 17:13

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 27/01/2012 17:33

xpost sorry.

Rachelwalsh · 27/01/2012 17:34

I think it's the lying by omission bit that would get to me, would he have told you if you hadn't discovered him? We all need time to ourselves but surely in a partnership you should be open about stuff?

I remember my friend's mum spotted his dad on the local golf course when he was supposed to be at work, he'd phoned in sick! Similarly childish!

YANBU to be upset.

OlympicEater · 27/01/2012 17:34

I would be pissed off that

  • he deceived you
  • you did all the running around with the DCs when you didn't have to as he could have helped
  • it is one less days A/L to use for childcare use when one DC is poorly etc
  • it is one less day for the family to spend together
fuzzpig · 27/01/2012 17:36

I don't think it's that bad to want a day off to yourself (ie not even with your spouse) - god knows I'd like one, I love my DH and our time together but I still fancy a day doing exactly what I want as opposed to what we want IYSWIM. It is really important to have time completely to yourself, and unless he only had that one day of leave left, or he threw a sickie, I wouldn't dismiss the idea of a "me-day" outright.

But I'd be really hurt by the deceit and wondering why on earth he couldn't have at least said "I'd like a day to myself". The mere fact he didn't would make me a bit suspicious (ie is he actually unemployed)

RevoltingPeasant · 27/01/2012 17:36

Yes, this is the thing - DP takes days off on his own but we normally talk about how much AL that will leave him with, will it give us enough time to go on a minibreak in a couple of months' time etc. That's the thing that's sneaky.

squeakytoy · 27/01/2012 17:37

I expect it's because I would have suggested that he take a day off when I could take one too.

There is your answer. He wanted a day of just doing sod all, no kids, no distractions, no wife to answer to.

I dont blame him, and I expect you too would love a day where you can completely switch off and be kids and husband free wouldnt you?

Rather than go mad at him, just tell him that it is fine, so long as you can do exactly the same too at some point soon.. and make sure you do it.

RevoltingPeasant · 27/01/2012 17:37

OP when you rang him t'other week did you actually ring his office extension, not a mobile where he said he was at work?

yellowraincoat · 27/01/2012 17:39

I'd just find it so weird. If my partner has a day off, I don't load him with chores. If he wants to do them, he'll do them.

He'd enjoy gloating he had a day off too much to try to hide it.

fuzzpig · 27/01/2012 17:39

Yes I'd be pissed at the lack of help in the morning too - he could've done that without impacting on his day off

Original poster
katieks · 27/01/2012 17:39

RevoltingPeasant - I expect that he would have worried about me asking him to do little things in the day and I expect that I may have expected some (just as I would have done stuff during the day if I took a day off because there's loads to be done!). I don't think I control him, but I think he's a bit defensive about everything. The other day he was going to go to the post office to get the children passport application forms. I needed something posting which needed proof of posting: I asked, that morning, whether he could take this with him. I got silence, so I said something along the lines of 'Is that OK?', then got an explosion about dropping things on him last-minute (load of rubbish!) and in the end I left in tears with the letter saying that I'd rather he didn't do it if it was that big-a-deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
katieks · 27/01/2012 17:40

RP - I rang him on his work number and spoke to a colleague first. Pretty sure he's not making up his job.

OP posts:
fishyonadishy · 27/01/2012 17:42

He was being an arse about the post office thing too. He doesn't sound like he thinks of you as a team.

Original poster
katieks · 27/01/2012 17:42

IB - I don't think he's got time for another woman. I defnitely don't think it's that. He genuinely does work really hard and long hours.

OP posts:
BsshBossh · 27/01/2012 17:43

I have to admit that DH and I take odd days off here and there, separately, just to chill out alone, without each other and without DC. Very restorative. We do tell each other though.

I have a long to do list too but will still give myself several hours to do absolutely FA if I want...

RevoltingPeasant · 27/01/2012 17:45

katie I have a similar response from DP sometimes, admittedly not as extreme.

Think if I were you I'd talk to him tonight along the lines of, 'Look you obviously need some space to yourself, we both do, so let's engineer that, but could you also not blow up at me when I ask you to do something small'.

I get really hacked off when I ask DP to do something really minor - like recently it was emailing the landlord about something - and he gets all huffy and like he's being persecuted. You just think, ffs, you're a grown up, just sort it out, don't you?

But maybe if he feels put upon you need to address that? Could you both periodically get a day off here and there?

Ephiny · 27/01/2012 17:48

Nothing at all wrong with wanting a day off to just relax at home, but it's a bit odd he didn't mention it. No he doesn't have to tell you everything, or ask your permission, but it's the kind of thing that would normally come up in conversation surely?

Though if he had said he wanted a day off to himself (i.e. not to spend with you), would you have been upset/offended?

Sounds like he had a real over-reaction about the post-office thing, if he really didn't have time to do it he could have just said so, no need for an 'explosion'.

Is there more going on here - tension between the two of you, or is he under a lot of stress at the moment?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 27/01/2012 17:50

The deceitfulness of this would make it a major deal for me, it's sneaky, deceitful and shows a capacity for lying by omission I just don't like.

I would have no problem with him having said, 'I am going to book a day off (or take a sickie) on Friday. I just want a day to do absolutely nothing. I know you would find that hard to do, so why don't you plan a 'day off and go out with a friend or something'?

I get that we all live busy lives and you have a million things that need doing, but every now and then you just have to let that go and take a day out - the world wont end - honestly :) But this is not the way he should have gone about it.

parakeet · 27/01/2012 17:51

Fine to take a day off with no chores - we'd all love one I'm sure.

But with two very young children, where the childcare and chores are supposed to be shared, what he did was selfish - ducking out of his responsibilities, and doing so in an underhand way too. If he doesn't admit that he made a mistake, then that means he could happily do the same in future.

At the very least, the person taking the day off should be offering to run the children to the childminder, not the worker.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 27/01/2012 17:52

As for the post office thing - that's just weird. He was going anyway, it's not even as though he was going to the shop next door and didn't want to have to go to the PO as well (even that would have been daft & petty but a bit more understandable). I think you two need to have a good talk about life... he doesn't seem very 'on board' with this family lark or very happy.

BettyBedlam · 27/01/2012 17:53

I too think it is weird.

But the ages your children are is a very draining time and I don't blame him in a way. It is probably important for both of you to do that once in a while - to ignore the jobs however important they may seem. I'd book one in yourself in the next few weeks (without telling him obviously) so that you don't feel so resentful.

I suspect people asking if there is a lot of stress at the moment can't remember having a toddler and a baby!

BettyBedlam · 27/01/2012 17:53

PS: if above post, I'm not suggesting that deceipt is the way to go, just that I think you are now 'owed' a secret day off!

Quattrocento · 27/01/2012 17:57

Oh I've done that. I have to say there was a certain element of wanting to get away from DH, which is I suspect why you're annoyed. But s'only natural to want to get away or spend time solo from time to time.

eurochick · 27/01/2012 17:57

It's a bit odd. My husband and I often take one or two days a year off without the other just for the hell of it. I spent my day this year organising our wedding and honeymoon photos 15 months after the event. It was helpful to have no one else there so I could spread stuff all over the floor. he probably spent his in his pants shooting zombies. It's nice just to be by yourself sometimes. Not telling you is odd though.

Original poster
katieks · 27/01/2012 18:01

Bottom line is I would have told him and I'm hurt that he didn't tell me. Will broach it with him later. Will let you all know how it goes. Got to go now.

OP posts:
ranteetheranter · 27/01/2012 18:02

If I could figure out a feasable way to do this I would do it too. I am constantly working, commuting, looking after Dd, cleaning, ironing, sorting out one thing or another. So is dh. If I have a day off he would be right to expect me to do a bit more in the house or with Dd so he could be cut a bit of slack too. However sometimes I run so close to burn out a day to do nothing would mean so much.

What I am trying to say is you can't let someone down who isn't expecting anything. And who wants to let their partner down.

Cut him 1 day of slack, but be clear it is not to become a habit that impacts on family life. Ie leaves you unable to take time off together.