Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband secretely takes day off

526 replies

katieks · 27/01/2012 17:13

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

OP posts:
BustersOfDoom · 27/01/2012 22:28

I think it is because we can't help ourselves when we know that our OH is off for a day when we go to work to ask or expect them to do something. Be it putting on a load of washing or cooking the evening meal. I know I'm the same. DP cooks nearly every evening but I know that if he knows I'm at home he will expect me to do it. If I'm having a day off to just relax or catch up on a load of housework then I don't want to have to start thinking about cooking. In the same way that I know he won't want to start sanding the windowsills. Which I would probably suggest he does. It's just human nature.

The OP herself said that had she known he was having the day off that she would have suggested she had the day off too so they could do something together. The OP's OH clearly wanted a day on his own in his own home to do his own thing. I suspect the OP wouldn't have been happy if he'd been honest. Sometimes keeping quiet is the easiest option. It doesn't always mean there is anything sinister afoot.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2012 22:29

some of you have very unfortunate relationships

fairness ?

equality ?

open-ness ?

the chance to have a "it's all about me day" without having to sneak around to get it

worrying about "putting a decent dinner on the table"

perhaps I am just old fashioned < shrug >

georgie22 · 27/01/2012 22:30

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't have a problem with dh having a day off on his own but I would have an issue if he was not honest and open about it. My dh doesn't generally have annual leave when I'm not around; we do both take leave at times when dd is with the childminder and do the things we can't easily do when she's with us like cinema etc. It's good for us to spend some time together as a couple. I'd be hurt that he had omitted to tell me about a planned leave day but that's just me.

EightiesChick · 27/01/2012 22:31

No problem with this in principle but he should be honest. Plus he could take a lazy day off with more integrity, and causing less resentment. if he didn't throw a hissy fit about being asked to do something small like take a letter to the post office.

I'd say to him - 'You obviously needed a day to yourself - good idea but tell me next time. I'll be following your good example now'. And DO IT.

Plus, call him on it every time he is bratty about doing a small errand again. And think about scaling back your own running around to keep the household going. Agree with gay40 - you never catch up with your to do list fully and certainly one day in itself won't make the difference.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2012 22:32

have a lazy day with his blessing

get chippy for your tea

happy days

he has a lazy day with your blessing

buy a curry in

nobody gets pissed off for being lied to

is that a novel idea ?

2rebecca · 27/01/2012 22:33

My husband and I sometimes have days off without telling each other. I don't think your husband was deceitful as he didn't lie, he just didn't get your "permission" first. I don't feel I need my husband's permission for occasional holidays and vv.
I suspect the problem is that you are unable to have a day of lounging around where as he is. You would feel obliged to have a "family day" involving small kids and "jobs". He feels no such obligations and wanted an antisocial day playing playstation. If he had been at work he wouldn't have done jobs so I don't see why you are so upset.
I wouldn't be happy if my husband took all his holiday days like this but for an occasional couple of days a year it's fine.
It sounds as though you maybe need to give yourself permission to have the occasional day of lounging around with the house to yourself. If you are unable to do that that isn't your husband's problem.

madonnawhore · 27/01/2012 22:33

Good point EightiesChick his pathetic pram fit at having to take a package to the Post Office shows him up as a twat.

Which makes his secret 'Me Me Me' day seem all the more selfish.

FunnysInTheGarden · 27/01/2012 22:37

most odd. If you are in a proper relationship you share everything inc days off like this. I would be very Angry if DH did this and didn't tell me, as would he be if I did

2rebecca · 27/01/2012 22:38

When I say without telling each other I mean we'll say on the day "I'm not working today" but not tell each other in advance, usually more because we thought we'd told the other/ had forgotten to mention it rather than wanting to spring a surprise on each other. The one who is working usually just asks the idle one to make dinner/ discuss take away.

VivaLeBeaver · 27/01/2012 22:40

My DH has done this before and it annoys me. Mainly because if I knew he was having a day off I wouldn't bother with booking after school child minder.

God, I even got a friend once to come round and let the dog out when I was away for 3 days as worried about dog being left while DH at work. My mate let herself in only to scare herself silly when she came in the kitchen and DH was there!

He doesn't see the problem.

2rebecca · 27/01/2012 22:40

Why do you never get a day off to yourself if you are in a relationship? I promised to live with and love the guy, not to never have a moment to myself ever again. Some of you sound very clingy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2012 22:41

I wouldn't have a problem with it but I'd say that something needs to change in your communication as he thought he couldn't tell you. Do you give him lists of things to do whenever he has any idle time? If so, I can see why he hasn't mentioned it but obviously it's not right.

He needs time to do nothing - so do you. There's no reason why everything has to be done as a couple or as a family all the time. That's about it really, everybody needs time to themselves.

Ask him not to lie/mislead you again and don't give him reason to - and instead of reporting back here on what he said, just talk together. I'd be really ticked off at the reporting back to random chatboard people. Shock

BustersOfDoom · 27/01/2012 22:43

We have a great relationship thanks. It is fair, equal, open (not 'that' sort of open) and has lasted a bloody long time. We just don't feel the need to run every day off from work past each other.

Most of our leave is spent together either at home, on weekends away or on our summer holiday. But if we just want the odd day at home, on our own, then that's fine. But it has to work both ways and be equal. One partner having a sneaky day of to play PS days whilst the other cleans the house is wrong. There has to be some sort of balance.

2rebecca · 27/01/2012 22:43

A day off and a day of childcare are different though. If he has a day off why do you get to say whether or not the kids go to the childminder? Surely that is his decision as he's the one who should be choosing whether to look after them or not. Lots of controlling women here.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/01/2012 22:44

AnyFucker - we don't know that he led her to believe he was going to work, all we know is that he didn't tell her he wasn't.

If when the OP usually leaves for work he is sitting in his pyjamas eating toast and this morning he was sitting in his pyjamas eating toast then she assumed he was going to work but he hadn't necessarily done anything to indicate if he was going or not.

EightiesChick I know sometimes, for me, a sign of being seriously stressed out and needing a break is that I overreact to small requests / chores because I am so knackered and weighed down that it feels like everyone wants something off me. Maybe the "hissyfit" was a symptom which shows why he needed a day shooting zombies on a computer.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 27/01/2012 22:44

Maybe I have an unfortunate relationshipidle the most part it seems good. I am comfortable to admit I do lie about little things. For the most part they are very little.

I am so interested in the thread because I have been conflicted over lying about a day off. I know I should tell him, I just can't be arsed with the hassle of explaining myself for 5 minutes. (Oh god just re read that and it is awful but it is how I feel).

I just don't buy this I never lie to my oh about anything malarky. Lying is an essential part of being human everyone does it to everyone to some degree.

southeastastra · 27/01/2012 22:46

ha only read op

i would do that too Grin

rookiemater · 27/01/2012 22:48

Gosh so now it's controlling not to want your small children to spend time at a CMs when there is a parent at home.

Not saying that people should not have a day off, but when you have small children you don't just get to make that decision unilaterally, it's disrespectful.

fannybanjo · 27/01/2012 22:49

Fuck me. What a laugh it is on here reading Posts from members who slate someone they don't know who "dared" do something for themselves. Hmm I suspect OP's DH has a shitload of stress and wanted a breather for a few hours. Castrate him immediately.

fannybanjo · 27/01/2012 22:52

Two sides to every story doesn't seem to enter into the equation on MN. Man doing it = cunt. Woman doing same would be greeted with "well done, you deserve a break".

madonnawhore · 27/01/2012 22:52

I genuinely, hand on heart, never lie to my partner. Not even about the small things. I don't need to, because there would be no repercussions.

Sure, he takes the piss out of me for buying so many shoes, and he might call me a 'part timer' jokingly if I have a day off work, but he let's me do what I like because I'm an adult and autonomous.

For that reason, I never have to lie to him about things like days off.

I can understand how, in the midst of the day to day routine, you might forget to mention you were taking a day off and only remember to say something that morning or whatever.

But that's different to deliberately not saying anything. I think that's odd. And deceitful.

Gay40 · 27/01/2012 22:54

DP wouldn't be grudge me the day if I mentioned it, she'd sail off to work and not expect anything done when she got back.
But the very fact that she knew I was at home would lead me to feel guilty about not getting cracked on while she's at work.

Friends would pester for lunches and coffees. Family would expect that I'd want to listen to them.
No thank you.
We're very happy and settled so it must be OK.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2012 22:54

I'm laughing at Buster's lovely crisp sandwich and cup-a-soup chaser... that really is the essence of having a day to yourself. Sounds great. Grin

AnyFucker · 27/01/2012 22:55

just tell him WhenShe

if you feel obliged to overexplain and justify yourself, then perhaps you need to look a bit deeper why that would be

and no, I don't lie

I have lied in the past, of course I have, usually because I had something to hide or because I felt uncomfortable about something

or maybe because someone made me feel uncomfortable about something, hence a need to hide it

none of those things are acceptable really though, are they ?

2rebecca · 27/01/2012 22:56

For 1 day then I think it is controlling for the parent unaffected by the decision to decide the parent having a day off should have the kids if they would have been at a childminder if he/she had been at work. For young kids that shortens the day off by a couple of hours. It's not saying that parent hates their kids, just that they want a work day's break from them along with the work, the household tasks etc.