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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why quality of men is SO dire?

202 replies

janelikesjam · 10/01/2012 10:16

I am genuinely puzzled. Am in my late 40s and would like a new relationship but what I see on offer (admittedly on dating sites) is so dire I am wondering whether I should give up.

The men seem largely unnattractive with few interests except the most conventional, and often boastful, weird and/or slimy to boot! (I would like to get out more to meet people in a more natural way, but am very restricted by my circumstances, so this not really an option, sadly.)

Anyway, any thoughts on this? Is it just my limited circumstances that is cutting me off from meeting interesting, attractive, available men that really do exist in the real world?

Or is it them? Did something happen to all these men along the way? Are they "ground down" in some way? Do men over the age of 25 not feel the need to bother with their appearance? Do men get more boring as they get older, and women the opposite way round?? Are the good ones simply taken, and those that remain are the ones with major problems?

Generally speaking, I don't remember men being so unappealing when I was younger, perhaps I was blinded by hormones (quite likely).

Is it me? It can't be, lol.

Any insights appreciated.

J.

OP posts:
loosyloo · 10/01/2012 10:19

Is it me?

probably

or you are looking in the wrong place, or punching above your weight :)

akaemmafrost · 10/01/2012 10:21

Loosyloo stop being such a complete twat on every thread you are on will you?

Smile

That is all.

thepeoplesprincess · 10/01/2012 10:22

I would agree that the decent ones are taken. I see plenty of attractive, funny, decent men out..... with their wives.;

akaemmafrost · 10/01/2012 10:24

Go younger OP, less baggage and usually very grateful Wink.

PostBellumBugsy · 10/01/2012 10:26

I have really struggled with this too janelikesjam. I don't know what the answer is, but I know where you are coming from. I think there are lots of lovely men around - the challenge is finding lovely "available" men!!!!

JosieZ · 10/01/2012 10:27

Take up a hobby which men do.
Motorbiking, birdwatching hmm struggling here spectate at local footie/rugby matches, cookery classes, bridge, some sport like running cycling, mountaineering.
Get a barmaid job.

Nagoo · 10/01/2012 10:28

My single male friends say the same thing. You are looking in the wrong places, one will turn up.

Kladdkaka · 10/01/2012 10:29

You have to be clever and look for the rough diamond. My husband was in his late 30s when I met him and had never a single relationship. Women ran the opposite direction from him because he's so odd. But it's all on the surface (aspie nerdy scientist). Take the time to get to know him and you realise he's an absolute diamond. There are others out there like him. There were 2 others at the dance school we went too. You just have to overcome your resistance to superhero t-shirts, anoraks and New Scientist magazine.

Original poster
janelikesjam · 10/01/2012 10:30

Just to add, I am pretty attractive (can't help it, genetic), intelligent, with lots to offer and so forth ... not being ironic now, since that attracts moronic posting no. 1.

Mmm... younger, maybe, not what I was hoping for though, just my own age, may have to consider ....

OP posts:
Original poster
janelikesjam · 10/01/2012 10:31

Love to do more socially etc. Josie but just cant, cos of health and responsibilities. Still, point taken. Really interesting responses though ...

OP posts:
lesley33 · 10/01/2012 10:34

Decent single men about our age - also in 40's - seem to go for younger women. Agree the standard seems depressingly low.

lubeybooby · 10/01/2012 10:36

After years of dating I agree.

Many are boring, or if they are not boring they don't even want a relationship anyway because they are too busy with other things

Many also have absolutely no idea how to impress or 'woo' a girl, no idea what romance is, with wishy washy 'you choose' when it comes to a venue for a date... many have lost the art of conversation, and don't care either because there are some very dodgy, needy, grabby women out there who will throw themselves at anyone so... men on dating sites can easily have their pick of those types with zero effort required.

However a certain regular poster here has recently found one that does seem to have half a clue what he is doing! Decent ones do seem to crop up occasionally, but rarely.

Also I am not without my faults. I fit into the 'not boring but too busy' category now and hence am giving dating a rest for a while because it's not fair to be claiming to be looking for a relationship when really, I have no time or energy left to devote to starting something new.

Also please note I am saying MANY, not ALL Wink [disclaimer]

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2012 10:36

Or is it them? Did something happen to all these men along the way? Are they "ground down" in some way? Do men over the age of 25 not feel the need to bother with their appearance? Do men get more boring as they get older, and women the opposite way round?? Are the good ones simply taken, and those that remain are the ones with major problems?

You could flip that right back at women too though surely?

There are plenty of women who don't bother with appearance or who have allowed themselves to become overweight.

'Boring' will always be a matter of opinion so I don't think you can say 'and women the opposite way round'...because some women I know will talk about nothing else other than their kids/handbags/shoes etc...and their friends find that conversation really interesting. In the same way, a man might talk about nothing but sport and cars for example, and his friends will find that interesting too.

Perhaps for you personally, online is the wrong way to contact people and you need to feel that instant 'chemistry' that automatically makes you want to talk to someone?

niceguy2 · 10/01/2012 10:36

You know what? I agree.

I know a lot of really nice single women. I don't know one decent single bloke. Well I know one but he's got a girlfriend so I guess that doesn't count.

Otherwise, all the guys I know are just completely.....hopeless? It seems once you get over 30, the guys which are left are just devoid of any ambition, abusers, cheats or all of the above.

Without meaning to blow my own trumpet, when I was younger, I was totally hopeless with the ladies. Couldn't pull to save my life. When I was single a few years ago, the difference was startling. It seemed the fact that i had a decent job and stepped up to be a full time dad was a bonus, whereas when I was younger, women all passed me by for their no baggage bad boy.

The two most eligable single guys I know. One is currently serving time at her majesty's pleasure for dealing drugs. The other I suspect is gay.

It's slim pickings out there for you ladies....i don't envy you!

Oh actually....just thought of one. I know a guy!! He's 34, own 4 bed house, BMW coupe he paid cash for. Great job, higher rate tax payer. Great with kids. Only problem is that he's painfully shy, can't talk to women, never had a girlfriend and I strongly suspect is a virgin. Oh and he won't eat foreign food. Only roast dinners and stuff. Anyone interested? lol

BarbarianMum · 10/01/2012 10:38

Tbh I think a lot of the good ones are taken by the time you hit 40. And if they have never been taken by this age (been in a long-term relationship once at least) there is a good reason why.

Divorce will shake a few good ones few every now and then. Ditto death Sad but honestly I think if you want a choice of good'uns you'll need to be flexible in other areas (age, appearance, wedded to work, children from previous relationships).

sheepgomeep · 10/01/2012 10:39

'It seems once you get over 30, the guys which are left are just devoid of any ambition, abusers, cheats or all of the above'

Thats sums up my ex quite nicely. He's 31 this year and he will never be a success in anything.

sheepgomeep · 10/01/2012 10:40

although he does look nice, clean etc. Until he opens his mouth and you can see his jeremy kyle teeth

BarbarianMum · 10/01/2012 10:41

Age is an issue too. A decent man your age will often be looking for a woman 10 years younger.

Original poster
janelikesjam · 10/01/2012 10:41

Should I lie about my age then? Look 8 years younger I'm told? But then I might turn into Joan Collins? But is that all bad?

Mr Nice Guy, I like roast dinners ...

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 10/01/2012 10:42

Go younger

SardineQueen · 10/01/2012 10:43

"A decent man your age will often be looking for a woman 10 years younger."

Hahahah

A decent man will make judgements based on things other than something as potentially inconsequential age.

I wouldn't touch a man who specified 10 years younger than him with a bargepole Smile

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/01/2012 10:49

I wouldn't have put it quite as loosylou did, OP, but you're asking for retaliatory comments really.

  1. Appearance - all subjective. Grooming isn't, admittedly, but what someone looks like is one person's stuff of nightmares and another's exact cup of tea.
  1. Boring - people don't usually realise that they ARE being boring. That could well apply to you too - or any of us - when we're out, talking to people. How much time do you give to find out people's interests or what subjects they enjoy?
  1. Your market strategy - I don't think dating sites are the best place and nothing online either. You can't tell what a person is like from a 'snapshot', nothing they say may be truthful or it might be - you just don't know. What about work? What about the gym? Your local library even? I met my husband at work... I think many people do.

I think you need to remember that your potential partners are 'interviewing' you as much as you are them. Just bear it in mind when you start mentally putting 'when hell freezes over' next to every 'candidate'.

ViviPru · 10/01/2012 10:55

I tend to agree with niceguy and BarbarianMum. I've got loads of friends (not a boast - just a fact) but I only know very few single men over 30, and that's not because I'm female so know fewer men, my friends are about 50/50 M/F and I would consider all DPs male pals to be my pals too.

Looking through my FB friends, of the ones who are eligible, Single Man 1 has literally just split up amicably with his long-term GF, so its not like he's some kind of typical bachelor. SM2 is what most people would consider a great catch (not that SM1 isn't) but he is travelling the world alone and loving it. SM 3 thru 5 are gay.

SM 6&7 are a bit of an anomaly. They are housemates. They are both FIT. They both have great careers, but not tied to work, neither of are gay. They are loads of fun. I would. I think their problem is they are struggling to find their equal in a partner....

I think you also have to let go of what you think you want in a partner. Before I met DP if I'd written list of what I was looking for, he probably wouldn't have met many of that criteria.

And niceguy you really need to start your pal off with some foreign food baby steps. Lack of and adventurous palette is a real turn-off....

SunRaysthruClouds · 10/01/2012 11:00

Jane, maybe my limited experience (a man?s perspective) of the online dating scene might assist if only in a small way.

I separated from my wife of 25 years, then after a while thought that I would see how the on line dating thing worked. I had no experience, didn?t know what to expect. The standard profile of the women was almost completely that they were ?the life and soul of the party, fun to be with, bubbly, vivacious? and posted a pouting glam shot. I emailed a few, and had no replies; my photo was crap, and if I am in any way representative I suspect that most blokes don?t worry too much about the photo. Mine was ?it?ll do for now?.

Then I spent what seemed quite a long time looking for someone with a different type of profile, without the ?I?m a party animal? message, that linked in to a lot of the traits on her profile, got a reply, now been together 14 months and she is truly lovely. We are the same age. (I should say my experience is limited because it took a week)

My point is that I think it helps to be a little different, really put something personal about you on your profile; and accept that blokes (as I have now been told) don?t always look like their profile pictures. If you are corresponding at all the different ones will become apparent.

I find it hard to imagine that all the women out there are great and all the blokes are crap tbh.

CailinDana · 10/01/2012 11:00

I agree with Kladdkaka. My DH has a hobby that's considered "weird" and "geeky" by many people. In fact when I first started going out with DH a couple of my so-called friends were extremely rude about it. The hobby generally attracts people that don't have great social skills and a lot of DH's male friends have very little luck with women. At first glance they might come across as very odd but deep down the vast majority of them are just lovely lovely people. One guy I know in particular is in his mid thirties and has never had a long term girlfriend. I shared a student house with him and I can say hand on heart any woman would be damn lucky to have him as a boyfriend/husband, but so many people can't seem to see past the fact that he's a bit overweight (really only a tiny bit) and is a geek. Women have treated him abominably just because they can. Some of those women went on to marry/have LTRs with absolute bastards. I just don't get it. They gave up an absolutely wonderful man for a shithead. I don't know why it happens so often.

So, to answer your question, yes there are fabulous men out there but chances are if they're over 30 they've been fucked over so many times by women that they don't put themselves out there any more. My friend would love nothing more than to get married and have children but he's sort of resigned to it never happening as he can't seem to find someone who will accept him for who he is :(