To wonder why quality of men is SO dire?

[janelikesjam]

I am genuinely puzzled. Am in my late 40s and would like a new relationship but what I see on offer (admittedly on dating sites) is so dire I am wondering whether I should give up.

The men seem largely unnattractive with few interests except the most conventional, and often boastful, weird and/or slimy to boot! (I would like to get out more to meet people in a more natural way, but am very restricted by my circumstances, so this not really an option, sadly.)

Anyway, any thoughts on this? Is it just my limited circumstances that is cutting me off from meeting interesting, attractive, available men that really do exist in the real world?

Or is it them? Did something happen to all these men along the way? Are they "ground down" in some way? Do men over the age of 25 not feel the need to bother with their appearance? Do men get more boring as they get older, and women the opposite way round?? Are the good ones simply taken, and those that remain are the ones with major problems?

Generally speaking, I don't remember men being so unappealing when I was younger, perhaps I was blinded by hormones (quite likely).

Is it me? It can't be, lol.

Any insights appreciated.

J.

Where's your out and about though, Emma? Go to Cannock Chase (or any other Forestry Commission trail centre for that matter) on a weekend and there are wall-to-wall men as far as the eye can see. Granted they are all caked in mud and spend far too much on MTB gear but they're there alright....

Viva I read your post open mouthed, until I got to the last sentence when I realised you were advocating Mountain Biking rather than dogging (for which Cannock Chase is also renown) After dark there will also be wall to wall men, albeit ones who get their rocks off watching strangers make the beast in rusty Vauxhall Vetras.

Yep rough! And I thought it was a nice picture too! ha.

The guy said - you look a bit rough don't you!

Bastard.

Are you meeting them though Fabby? Or just writing them off from their pics online? You need to meet them. Men are rubbish at choosing their online pics! Maybe don't meet the one who called you rough though eh?

(BTW, I just clicked on your pics after akaemmafrost said she couldn't, you look soooo different to how I imagined you. Wish I hadn't clicked now. The myth of Fabby is gone!)

Compos that is hysterical. I've only ever been in the day so I couldn't comment on after dark activities. Perhaps the OP shouldn't rule anything out though - who are we to judge?!

I did accidentally send DP to a well-known gay dogging site one day. True Story.

Yup - celibacy isn't summat I chose but have become used to. Been single 8 years now - depressing if I think about it.

Sadly I think by 35 the vast majority of men come in 4 camps.

1. Lovely men - these are taken and their wives are smart enough to keep em!

1. "Good reason he's available" - his ex couldn't handle his serial infidelity/drinking/addictions/abuse/gambling/criminality etc and got rid! My own ex comes category 2 - don't know any women I hate enough to introduce him to.

1. Gay or crazy (didn't even get to no. 2 cos the "unit" only released him last month after 20 years on lithium).

1. About to become category 2 as he has a lovely wife "who doesn't understand him" poor lamb. (I'd rather play solo honkey tonk piano than second fiddle).

Occasionally a nice well-mannered divorcee or widow pops up on the scene but I've never been one for a stampede so lose out. I'm 40, and didn't like cattle markets like clubs etc when I was 20 as a way of meeting people.

My "wish list"- can't see how this is "shooting above my level" tbh

1.No preferences as to race, or looks though I prefer em to have their own teeth & to be my height 5, 8.

2.Prefer economically productive men (so no 20yr + dolites, though I'll accept someone who has recently been made redundant or has family responsibilities). Not fussy as to whether they are productive via plumbing or heart surgery though I draw the line at baliffs and drug dealers.

1. Kind natured & able to hold a conversation.

1. Not old enough to be my father and too old to be my son.

1. Patient by nature- sadly this is a stumbling block. DS has sen, so I admit would be more than a lot could cope with.

Vivi Yeah I believe the car park on Anson's Bank is the centre of the action. Or so I've been led to believe (cough, cough)

Maybe the OP could arrange two dates for the same day, Mountain Biker in the afternoon, dogger in the evening.

So if you are in the neck of the woods after dusk, say hello to Dave and Trisha for me and tell them I'll be in the usual spot next weekend be careful where you flash your bike lights!

blimey dating/dogging by mistake?

Now it really does start to sound complicated as "we didn't have to worry about being mistaken for a dogger on a simple bike ride in my day" titter titter

Well....

He was between appointments in an area he didn't know well, but I did, so he called me and asked if there was anywhere nice to sit in the sun as it was a hot day. I told him of a nearby beauty spot we used to go to when I was a kid.

He parked up, bought an ice cream, took off his suit jacket, rolled up his sleeves and proceeded to go for a wander. He didn't get far before realising the grave error I had inadvertently made. As I mentioned, he is rather easy on the eye and this did not go unnoticed by the various men he encountered coming out of bushes and suchlike. Suffice to say he hot-footed it back to his car pronto. Or so he told me

I was thinking back to my online dating days whilst doing the school run. It made me remember some of the profiles I read and I guess the next few tips work for both sexes but obviously I have only really looked at female profiles.

The most important part of the profile is of course the photos. The amount of shaky unflattering self taken phone camera photos I've seen is ridiculous. They just scream "I have no mates!"

Then the photos which are CLEARLY years out of date. Some are made even more obvious by the fact the photo itself is clearly timestamped. You may think you look great in that bikini but all I see is it's a photo from July 2006. And if that's the best photo you have, I'm going to be thinking you've put on a lot of weight!

And not to mention those awesome photos from the hen night. You think you are projecting fun you and that you looked hot all dressed up. I see photos of a drunk who likes to go clubbing.

As for the profile text, don't worry too much about it. Half the time we barely read it. The basics will do. Short and sweet. Prattle on too long and we just think you are going to talk us to death. Too short and we think you aren't serious.

Oh and if you are on POF, change the photos occasionally. Otherwise it's just obvious you've been on the site for months and we fear you are not serious, too scared to meet up or something's wrong with you so we don't want to go there. Either way, it's not a good sign.

Hey Mr NiceGuy, I'm short and sweet profile-wise, never been on a hen-night, never post myself "clubbing" or project myself as a "hottie" (maybe I bloody should), all my photos are up-to-date though like I said I look young for my age (maybe men think I am lying) don't "prattle on", but maybe am disadvantaged by my age and fact I have a child, who knows, not me?

When I have met men they have always want to see me again,ha! But I can't say that feeling has usually been reciprocated. I haven't got ridiculously high standards at all - money, job, family responsibilities, etc are all non-issues for me, unless significant for a more serious underlying problem e.g. personality disorder.

I agree with alot of what women have said about categories e.g. attractive but resolutely single/unavailable, etc. Boched, I concur. Though I do also agree I can be happy without men, though miss romance, closeness and sex.

Maybe a case of looking for a diamond in the rough as someone suggested. I'll give it another whirl (though I have and have to say results very disappointing last year).

Anyway, tralala, thanks for your kind offerings, insights.

Never put any "hottie" type pictures up janelikesjam! In my very early days of internet dating I did that & was overwhelmed with nob shots & queries as to whether I liked it up the ar$e etc. (Or alternatively do post a hottie pic if you fancy seeing lots of nobs )

PostBell, charming, poor you! Sometimes I feel like doing an ironic female version of Swiss Tony, but would anyone get it (screams into the abyss!)

If you want to find a man and don't want to go mountain biking then take a long walk in the country followed by a drink in the pub. That's where you'll find all single men, if you believe their dating profiles

I've used dating sites on and off in the past. Not currently looking as I have other things I'm concentrating on atm.

Like Vivi said other forums, where you will share a common interest with other members, are also good places to meet people. One forum that I use occasionally there are at least two couples, that I can think of off the top of my head, that have met and married.

I'm right here with you Jane and PBB et al. Had a nice coffee date today which turned into a nice lunch date - like the guy fine but no chemistry, in addition to which he is clearly not over his ex (who Dun Him Wrong). Oh dearie dearie me. And CREEPS. I'd forgotten about creeps. Internet dating is not the way to go. I am giving up.

Sorry haven't read whole thread but I have two very good single male friends, one 30s, one 40s. Neither is divorced, both successful with own hair and teeth. I would go out with them if I wasn't married! And their friend!

Trouble is, they both are used to being single so fill up their time with work,friends,hobbies etc. so don't make time to actively date. So they are out there, but they are hiding :) (Handbag hopes a lovely mumsnetter meets one of her single friends)

Handbag, I guess its possible, but just wondering, haven't they got a sex drive, or have they got other "outlets" you are not aware of? Could you ask them and get back to me?

NosyJane.

Erm, yes they have sex drives and are attracted to average, everyday women. I just don't think they're bothered about the dating scene really and would like to meet someone through friends/work. By average I mean not really young, or surgically enhanced or other clichés, not trying to put anyone down.

I think actually my issue is that due to having an sen son I have a very restrcted social circle/life (or I wouldn't have been so shocked at the dogging comments lol!).

For me the answer is expand my general social horizons generally methinks. At the moment when I get a bit of free time I'd rather catch up with friends of years standing than go/meet someone or somewhere new. Can't risk the rare afternoon being "wasted"on something I might not enjoy.

My last night out was October 31st 2010. That's just bloomin sad!

Jane I'm married - but every time I go out on the town, i think thank heavens!

There has got to be some decent single men out there for you, do t give up.

there are plenty of decent single blokes out there. just not on dating sites.

The ads that annoy me the most are on Soulmates where the male stipulates 'size 10'. What's he going to do- bring a tape measure and a copy of trading standards to the first date? Or the other men who want 'curvy' women- ie big tits.

From what I know of my friends and other peoples experiences it is exceptionally rare to get someone normal sane on a dating site. Its all the nutters, abusers, stalkers, clingy psychos etc.

And not to mention those awesome photos from the hen night. You think you are projecting fun you and that you looked hot all dressed up. I see photos of a drunk who likes to go clubbing

Which is precisely why it's important to leave those kind of pictures up!

I have pics on my POF that make me look like a drunk who doesn't wash. Which is fine because I am a soap-dodging old lush. There's absolutely no point trying to give a false impression online, else you'll end up climbing Ben Nevis in your nan's blouse when you'd rather be down the pub in jeans you've owned since college.

I get pissed off when the man specifies that the woman be AT MOST fifteen years younger than him or something. I hit 'block'.

My DS1 is autistic. I sometimes think I'm a lot to take on. But to the right man it won't matter, so. He's out there somewhere.