To wonder why quality of men is SO dire?

[janelikesjam]

I am genuinely puzzled. Am in my late 40s and would like a new relationship but what I see on offer (admittedly on dating sites) is so dire I am wondering whether I should give up.

The men seem largely unnattractive with few interests except the most conventional, and often boastful, weird and/or slimy to boot! (I would like to get out more to meet people in a more natural way, but am very restricted by my circumstances, so this not really an option, sadly.)

Anyway, any thoughts on this? Is it just my limited circumstances that is cutting me off from meeting interesting, attractive, available men that really do exist in the real world?

Or is it them? Did something happen to all these men along the way? Are they "ground down" in some way? Do men over the age of 25 not feel the need to bother with their appearance? Do men get more boring as they get older, and women the opposite way round?? Are the good ones simply taken, and those that remain are the ones with major problems?

Generally speaking, I don't remember men being so unappealing when I was younger, perhaps I was blinded by hormones (quite likely).

Is it me? It can't be, lol.

Any insights appreciated.

J.

Don't lie about your age, Jane. If you're genuinely looking for a relationship, then at some point the truth will out and even on something kinda small, there's suddenly less trust.

Whatever's in your profile, write it from the heart. Those are always the ones which catch my interest, and give something to actually message the person about. I had a very boring generic profile, got bored of it, and decided to have the balls to really say something about myself. It's doubtless put some women off contacting me, but that's fine, as that wouldn't have worked out anyway. And I have a date on Thursday with a lovely lady, so it's all good

Good luck

They probably think the standard of women in their 40s is pretty low as well!

CallinDana your 'one guy in particular' sounds much like my SM1. I houseshared with him too so know how brilliant he is under the slightly overweight, possibly geeky facade. He's had a bit of a shitty ride too. He's going to make an amazing Dad though, and I'm confident its going to happen for him even if he isn't.

In fact, Callin, your post reminds me of MySingleFriend, the dating website where you don't put your own details on, a friend does it on your behalf. So its like there is someone vouching for you. I have a 100% hit rate on there. My two best male friends who I created a profile for on MSF met their current wives via the site. In fact coincidentally, both their weddings were this year, within a week of each other (expensive month ) and one now has PFB.

I have no affiliation with the site whatsoever, so no interest in promoting it other than through my own experience. It feels more informal than other dating websites, the fact that your friend is writing your profile is is more credible somehow. Perhaps worth a try for your pal? and for you OP? If my SM1 becomes unhappily single, I'll ask him if he wants me to write a profile for him...

Lack of and adventurous palette is a real turn-off....

Ha ha, but a 33 year old virgin who can't talk to women isn't???

I did do the online dating thing for about 3 years, and I found the level of men quite depressing. Lots of chancers, cads and bounders! After 3 years of dates, I decided to stop looking for a boyfriend, and put out an ad on a site for 'friends', as I still wanted to get out there and widen my social life but I specified that I was NOT looking for a boyfriend, just to make some decent new friends of the opposite sex. I felt that my friendship circle was quite limited, and that I needed to get out there and expand it.

Well, what do you know? The first person I met up with turned out to be the love of my life, 7 years later we're married with a child and another on the way. My husband says now that I was looking in the wrong places for a man prior to him. The good men don't hang out in bars or cruise dating websites, but the secret to meeting them is taking up interesting hobbies - whatever floats your boat.

I have a friend who met her husband on a singles walking holiday to the Lake District, other friends have found their beloveds on weekend courses etc.

Strangely enough, I have a fair number of single male, solvent, good looking friends in their 40's now, but I do know why they are single - they are single because they choose to be, and enjoy the freedom of not having to commit to one woman, and they do not wish to have children. Which makes them terrible boyfriend material (though they are brilliant and loyal friends).

I have one particular friend who is wealthy, has an amazing job, good looking, interesting, just shy of 50 - yet is possibly the worst boyfriend I have seen. He is, however one of my best friends, and I love him dearly. However, when we go out, I get women coming up to me asking how they can get to know him better, and seem miffed at when I say to steer clear. Every woman who has got entangled with him has suffered, yet he never seems to be short of women wanting to be the one that changes him... He is a born lone wolf and no woman will change that.

Which brings me to my last point - I find that a lot of my woman friends want to 'change' the man they're with rather than accepting them for who they are. This is quite a turn off for a lot of men.

I'd say stop piling on the pressure to find a boyfriend, just get out there and concentrate on making new friends, who knows one of those people might just turn out to be 'the one' when you were least expecting. And to quote my husband 'don't take your knickers off on the first date'!

No, it isn't, not compared to ordering an omelette in an indian restaurant

I blame the patriarchy. It means men can make no effort in life and end up being entitled gits

I know a lot of 'pretty princess' types who have ended up exactly the same. They've married rich men and swan about 'therapy' shopping all day

Im finding this thread quite interesting. I am forty but look younger, guesstimate usually around 33 from people who don't know me so I do tend to attract younger men. I am completely resigned though that because of my age and circumstances I won't be able to have a LTR with the men I attract.

I just NEVER meet ANY men of my own age when out and about eligible or not. It's a bit of a mystery really because obviously there are lots of us available women in this age bracket, so where are the men?

janelikesjam

" .. I would like to get out more to meet people in a more natural way, but am very restricted by my circumstances .."

What circumstances?

As many have said, the best way to meet someone is not the Net.

Where's your out and about though, Emma? Go to Cannock Chase (or any other Forestry Commission trail centre for that matter) on a weekend and there are wall-to-wall men as far as the eye can see. Granted they are all caked in mud and spend far too much on MTB gear but they're there alright....

I'm a man, and can tell your problem at a glance OP. As someone else mentioned, you're trying to punch above your weight. I've come across lots of single women who demand perfection, and when you look at what they have to offer in return, you can't keep a straight face!
The "quality" (across the board) of single men and women is very similar.

From a sample of one dating site that I tried, I think they're shit.

I got some very diverting photos sent to me though.

I do know quite a lot of single men IRL (work in a very male industry) but wouldn't go near most of them. I'm single by choice, now, and very happy with it.

What do you want a man for? Seriously, when I worked this thought process through - I'm financially independent (AKA skint), I have a fantastic social life, several close friends of both genders, I really value my alone time. A boyfriend would just piss on my chips. And probably steal my whiskey. No thanks!

I've Internet dated and believe me it's just as difficult for men.

There are women who just want a no-strings relationship.
There are women who are looking to get married and have babies quick.
There are women who just want a meal and drinks bought them.
There are women looking for men in their forties with no baggage, what have they been doing all these years?

My favourite line on a first date was ' do you see yourself getting married again and having more children'

If I am blunt and ask the risk of getting slaughtered for this, in a slim market. The best way to get the guy you want is to up your game.

What I mean is that men are visual creatures first & foremost. We prefer attractive women. That's a fact. Beauty is only skin deep blah blah blah but when push comes to shove, we'd rather wake up next to Kylie Minogue than Dawn French. I've seen the way women rattle through dating profiles so I know the same cuts both ways!

But my point is that if you want to find a decent guy, you need to be in a position to attract one. If you are overweight, scruffy and skint then that's about attractive to us as it would be to you.

Having seen some of the profiles on the dating sites when I was single, I think some women have a very deluded perception of themselves.

But the OP says she is attractive. And in the spirit of this medium, I'm taking her word for it.

I'm afraid many of the nice ones remain married.

Having said that, someone I know in their 40s has just met a wonderful man. No children, wealthy financially secure, they are in love. I'm very happy for her.

They did meet at a social thing rather than dating site (and she did try one of those).

I disagree niceguy2. I just want a woman who's reasonably intelligent with a decent personality. It would help if they're moderately attractive and not obese, but a few extra pounds doesn't matter one bit.
Sadly, I just get gold-diggers, and the odd one who just wants a shag once or twice a week!

And the fact that she think she is atractive may well come across to others, and for me at least that doesn't help.

Niceguy, the visual thing is important, but only at the beginning. There has to be a lot more than looks to make a proper relationship surely. Or am I odd?

tbh I think there are far more good looking women at 40 than men at 40.

Another angle, OP, you're obviously comfortable in this medium or you wouldn't be posting on MN or using dating websites. Do you have a hobby/interest that has a high-traffic online forum? It may still be no substitute for getting out and meeting "real" people, but you seem pretty fixed on the fact that that isn't possible.

I suggest this as this is actually how I met DP . Although in our defence, it was an extremely cool forum bourn out an extremely cool RL social scene. Honest, Guvnor.

Meeting people in this way is no riskier than using dating websites, but I think its better in some ways in that on-line friendships develop naturally and on the basis of a shared interest without that pressure of everyone obviously looking for a relationship...

DP dies of shame if anyone ever mentions it though.

Oh Niceguy, if only it were that simple. I have internet dated, & god help me, even speed dated, & have had no shortage of guys who wanted to date me & have sex with me, which would suggest I can't look like a bag of spanners. (I think I'm fairly attractive, but you could say that I would say that! I am not overweight, I am never scruffy & I am completely financially independent.

It can't be that simple!

The DCs & I are learning to sail at a club at the weekends in the summer. I've gone to motor bike riding lessons, part of my job involves attending regular fund-raising events - but I hardly ever come accross single men at any of those activities. So whatever activities they are doing, it is not those!

Sorry littleGnu, reading back my post it does make it sound like we're only interested in stunners.

We of course are but I agree it's not the only criteria.

But I've seen obese women bemoaning the fact they cannot find a decent man. And the sad truth is that it does matter.

And the same can be said of intelligence. My last GF was dumb as a door post. I love debating politics and always up on the latest news etc. She voted for Tony Blair because he had the nicest smile. It just doesn't bode well does it?

Why was she your GF then, niceguy?